Crunchy Bits

Jessica  | 29 |  Chicago. All Original Rambles.

[crunchy-bits]

After a stomach virus ripping through our household the past 9 days, I feel like it has been a bloody crawl through the trenches in this final week of school...

But another summer break, another out-of-school season kickoff with a "Big Craft" AND it's *really* cool, anyone into sewing crafts should check out this amazing Serbian designer (fabrics & sewing patterns), Katarina Roccella.

Kiddo picked out this Halloween quilt, we are making (2): One for kiddo, the other will be a birthday present for my Leo bestie.

[crunchy-bits]

Ugh, file this incoming gripe under mild annoyances.

The Free Little Library I made & keep in my front yard is being used in ways I do not love - This year has been *particularly bad*.

It's relatively tame & mild - But people have consistently been putting flyers for political campaigns & political ideologies inside the library, also a ton of political books. I don't get overly annoyed & I let most of it remain, but ALL political campaigns & some of the political books are immediately put in my fire pit kindling pile.

The Free Little Library I have is just *so obviously* a library that was made by a kid. It's covered in mushrooms, moss & I have a solar powered dragon lantern on it. I have a little kid bench by my library, so littles can sit & read. The library is covered in painted fairies that my kiddo did when she was 4 years old.

I am not the only Free Little Library on the block, why not vocalize your political stances in the not-obviously-child-friendly libraries?

I was walking back from school drop-off this morning, apparently someone dumped their entire collection of novels written by American conservative journalists in my little library...

So, I have a bunch of new bonfire kindling!

[crunchy-bits]

I am not one that typically recommends non book-ish media because I don't consume a lot of it and my tv / music tastes are crusty, dusty & outdated.

I am so fucking into Widow's Bay on Apple TV though, it's basically a modernized Twin's Peak!

[crunchy-bits]

Officially, 2026 can get bent.

There was a lot of different stress in 2025 with family death (Anticipated situations, but a lot of consequences associated with the losses) & constant transatlantic flights to help with this fallout.

This year has been a very different flavor of family tragedy.

It's been unexpected, impacting the youngest members of our family & my own grapplings with holding space for others while not letting my own feelings to run wild.

And it's forced me to finally be on the Texas location of Family Ranch Drama Saga.

Bestie Cousin that has a daughter near my kiddo's age - The daughter was in a near death accident. Her dad, aka The Reason for all the Family Ranch Drama, is directly responsible for the accident. I know he is not a sociopath / he never intended for this to happen & I know accidents can happen on ranches, but it's hard to maintain that rationality around him / it was such a reckless accident on his behalf & hold space for Best Cousin's trauma processing while my entire family has been tied to this children's hospital for weeks.

I came back to Chicago on Friday so kiddo could enjoy her end of school year party & we had tickets for a special membership party at one of the museums. I think I am going to pull kiddo out of school for the last few days of school since she has already completed all her academic work & testing (+1 for private schools - Much less rigid on attendance), so we can help out more extensively with the upcoming rehab.

While back in the city, I finally added my sister's yahrzeit to the observance list & it stirred more emotions than I anticipated it would.

It's just such fucking heavy spring.

But kiddo & I have been enjoying such "tourist style weekend" while backing the city, I got a bunch of "fancy" paint by number canvases since that has been "our thing" while at the hospital. I watched the Outlander finale.

It's all going to be ok. No felonies will be committed, probably.

[crunchy-bits]

April Reads 🌧️

I didn't read a ton last month, but most of the books I read were fun!

The Mean Ones by Tatiana Schlote-Bonne ⭐⭐⭐⭐ A woman is the sole survivor of a ritual cult murder that happens at her first summer sleep away camp as a preteen. No one believes her version of events, she continues to suffer from PTSD / hallucinations in adulthood & confronts the "true nature" of her past when she takes a camping trip with her boyfriend. Very folk & eco horror, very strong female energy.

How to Lose a Goblin in Ten Days by Jessica Sylva ⭐⭐⭐⭐ This is one of the best cozy-fantasies-that-actually-has-a-plot that I've read in a long time! A halfling & goblin must come together with their forced coexistence within a forest cabin, navigating cultural differences & community / social divides that stem from generational wars. The banter is cute, the magical world & history is complex, the goblin is nonbinary, there is an adorable cat.

Vampires at Sea by Lindsay Merbaum ⭐⭐⭐⭐ This is a such a weird & fun horror comedy! Two energy vampires go on a 🌶️ cruise for queer, elite nonhumans set against a dystopian backdrop. Relationships are tested, leading to supernatural conflicts onboard.

Curse of Hester Gardens by Tamika Thompson ⭐⭐⭐ This novel navigates the social & economic complexities of gun violence within inner city slums via murdered spirits haunting an impoverished black community. The main perspective is told from the voices of black mothers; ranging from women who have some that died from gun violence to the women whose sons & husbands perpetuate gun violence. I truly loved the social commentary & this author's writing style is immaculate, but the majority of this story is focused on a singular messy romantic relationship that I didn't like. The paranormal is very minimal as well, it doesn't begin until ~65% through the book. I was hoping for Candyman vibes, but it was nothing like that.

*Only book I DNF'ed this month was Problematic Summer Romance by Ali Hazelwood at 5% - I know the romance girlies love this author, but I've DNF'ed every book I've tried by her.

[crunchy-bits]

lol

Overall, I have a very agreeable & cooperative child. I really shouldn't complain, but *I will* for a moment.

Kiddo & I were having one of our very rare disagreements last night, she was having A Major Attitude at bedtime.

This physically capable child was yelling at me "I don't need you! I can brush my teeth & tuck myself into bed all by myself!"

Cool story, bro. Go upstairs & put yourself to bed then.

Kiddo gets halfway up the stairs before she starts sobbing.

She couldn't even make it up a set of stairs before she was "too lonely" & missed me. Also, she told me "Her only friend upstairs was (Orange Demon Derp Cat) & he's not a very good friend".

Latter part is fair because orange cat is a dick. Former part is predictable as 6 years later, kiddo is still co-sleeping with me every night.

[crunchy-bits]

Life Lately...

+ I feel like I've finally managed to find my path of community since moving back to Chicago amid the Covid lockdown era! Creating new adulthood connections, especially when you add in layers of kids & romantic relationships, is just harder! I feel like I have gone through a few different iterations of interpersonal connections & communities since moving back, I am finally at a place where I feel comfortable & content!

+ I have *actually* found a book club! It's not necessarily my preferred genres, but we do tequila shots & I like the humans that attend. So it balances out!

+ My drunk alter ego, Shots Hathaway (I have been compared to Anne Hathaway since my twenties & while it is the greatest compliment ever, I swear it's just our hair) has had her chance to come out more frequently lately. I recently did one of those "game show battle" bars with ~20 other friends last week. So dumb, so fun, no idea why the hosts allowed a gaggle of excessively drunk elder millennials take their jello shots on top of a 12ft ladder while playing "The Drop".

+ I finally saw Scream 7! There are other slasher franchises I enjoy more than Ghostface, but I was pleasantly surprised by the latest iteration! I definitely have critiques; but there were some fun throwbacks to the 90's sequels, creative kills AND it was so much better than sequels 5 & 6 (Hot take, I just don't love any project Jenna Ortega has acted in).

+ Kiddo & I did the Mother's Day celebrations early because I don't do crowds or competitive reservation dates. So we did a Friday school skip to brunch at one of my favorite Spanish tapa restaurants, red panda was *actually* active & out at the Lincoln Park Zoo & did our usual Art Institute / Maggie Daley Park combo.

+ Kiddo & I did the family hours at My Bougie Gym on actual Mother's Day. I reconnected with a former coworker from Tech Cloud Hellscape job that was there with her kids, she has since rage quit tech & became a pilates instructor (An oddly common career change for the former Millennial Boss Babes in my area). We have plans to get our kids together at the gym so they can play together while we workout / I am going to start taking her weekly pilates class since it's included with my membership.

+ I am essentially a solemnly sworn lone wolf at this point & convinced relationships with CIS men are a scam, so 100% uninterested... But a cute & seemingly stable / quality dude actually flirted with me at the gym & it was a nice lil' self esteem boost! He didn't come on too strong, he was very nice & engaging with my kiddo. He is an athletic coach & nurse at one of the elite high schools in the city, he has daughters as well & he recommended some empowering girls programing in the area. The extremely few men that have tried to approach me in the last few years have all been glaring red flags & I was looking for the emergency exit in our interactions, so this was a breath of fresh air.

[crunchy-bits]

I was catcalled by someone for the 1st time in *years*.

Obviously, catcalling is *not* flattering.

It was weirder because it occurred while I was walking around a suburb where I take kiddo for a Scandinavian nature art class once a week. The entire demographic of this area are quite literally married, young families with disposable income.

BUT my glutes & quads were complimented, so I am choosing to interpret this as recognition of my gym progress paying off & acknowledging that I have the thigh strength to crush the skulls of my catcallers / other enemies!

Some miscellaneous rambles of weight, fitness & diet culture / disordered eating commentary below the cut.

Another aspect of my life that I've been processing privately the past year is my own health & body image.

I grew up in the era of heroine chic models & Myspace scene queens. Our schools preached a discontinued model of "nutrition" & all of our moms were crash dieting with fads from the latest edition of People Magazine or Women's World. I went through my early adult with very disordered eating & exercise patterns, partially because I was able to temporarily "out train" my worst symptoms related to my various autoimmune & genetic disorder diagnoses.

It was going well enough, until it wasn't enough.

I truly crashed in the past 1.5 years with my autoimmune diseases (Particularly, Hashimoto's) becoming debilitating. It's a spiral that my medical team still hasn't been able to get under control.

There are far worse symptoms than this post, but my body has been physically ravaged in new & different ways than ever before.

Realistically, this is the 1st time in my life I have ever had a "healthy" BMI & I am an American size 2 / XS to S. I am finally able to begin weightlifting regularly & gaining muscle mass at a pace I was in my 20's & pre pregnancy.

Irrationally, I am 10lbs / 4.5kg heavier than my peak muscle days (I rocked a 6 pack most of my 20's because I was the #DisorderedQueen) & 20lbs / 9kg heavier than I have been in the past 5 years (I lost an unhealthy amount of weight during pregnancy that I never managed to gain back, Hyperemesis Gravidarum is no fucking joke). My clothes fit different. My body is completely different.

It doesn't impact me in my daily routine, but I am just uncomfortable in my own skin.

I talk to my kiddo a lot about understanding nutrition macros & fiber, enjoying food & balancing food options, etc. I am hoping my kiddo has a better head start to understanding & enjoying food, feeling confident in her knowledge & her body.

Kindergarten has been a wild ride, kiddo has already been chatting about some nutrition misinformation that other classmates discuss. I am glad kiddo is so comfortable to bring these topics up to me & we have dialogue about it together, but it's slightly gut wrenching to witness this cycle of nutrition misinformation beginning so young & I am just so helpless in preventing kiddo from going through the same disordered cycle I spent decades of my life in.

[crunchy-bits]

I am a bit behind on this. So!

March Reads 🍀

The Compound by Aisling Rawle ⭐⭐⭐⭐ This storyline is quite literally if Love Island UK was set in a dystopian wasteland. I loved how deranged it was, all of the character inner monologues & backstories truly resonated. The ending left *a lot* to be desired, but the journey to get there was great storytelling!

They Never Learn by Layne Fargo ⭐⭐⭐ This was a book that I enjoyed reading in the moment, but it isn't particularly memorable. An English professor has a side hustle of murdering predatory male students & college staff (But some definite blinders for the men in her interpersonal life).

The Hacienda by Isabel Canas ⭐⭐⭐ A historical horror set in Mexico during the Mexican War of Independence, focusing on Andalusian newlyweds moving to the countryside & taking over the family plantation. I adore this author's writing style, the beginning & ending were fantastic; but the middle was a slog to get through.

The Killer Across the Table by John Douglas ⭐⭐⭐ This is the infamous Mind Hunter author, writing another memoir that is more focused on his interviews with 4 infamous American serial killers that were key in FBI developing criminal profiles. The first half of this book was 5 star material, but the latter half was meandering & felt like it wasn't even the same book or writer.

The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman ⭐⭐ A rare case of The-Movie-Was-Better-Than-The-Book! The premise was more interesting than the execution, plus the writing style just didn't capture my attention. I adored the characters in the movie, but I found the characters difficult to distinguish in the book.

[crunchy-bits]

I don't real time process emotions on Tumblr as I once did many moons ago, but I am a few months into processing some fresh & raw grief.

My half sister died in February, near my birthday.

Her name is Emily.

She was so many things. She was 26. She was a vet tech. She volunteer managed a local canine rescue nonprofit. She was engaged, the wedding was coming up in a few months.

She committed suicide.

I never really believed in signs from the universe -- But I am still unnerved & shaken by how I found out. There were just so many "sister" synchronicities that kept happening throughout the day until something "other worldly" occurred that I could no longer ignore. It turned out to have merit...

There are a lot of complicated family dynamics at play, we do not have a typical sibling relationship.

My father was married 5 times before either of us reached adulthood. Step siblings & half siblings revolved in & out of our lives. I am the oldest of all by 10+ years. My father signed away parental rights to every child he ever had.

I was fortunate enough to have a stable mother, despite our own complicated dynamic. Emily was never fortunate enough to have that stability, she bounced between grandparents & foster care. Emily was the only -sibling I had semi-regular contact with over the years, but that largely depended on who had custody of her at the time.

I know that I am such a reminder of my father, I look just like him & we are such similar personalities. I know I am a reminder of the lowest points & worst actions made by Emily's mother as well.

Emily & I led such different lives, but I always thought we were the ones that "made it" & proved we could be happy, whole people despite everything we grew up in.

And now she's gone. She was so young. She was so loved.

I am relatively certain our father doesn't know Emily is dead.

I haven't spoken to my father in 15 years, I never really intended to do so again in this lifetime. There are a lot of layers & paths to the grief I have been working on, but I keep grappling with the reaching out to my father again. I just want him to know.

I was never close with Emily's mother, she was the wicked stepmother archetype. But my bones just ache for her grief & I just want to sob with her, for the loss of her only child.

As a parent, it feels like there is a certain comfort & safety as your child gets settled into adulthood and I am unnerved as an outsider at how fragile that belief actually is.

[crunchy-bits]

Bougie Gym - 3 Month Update

Ugh, I love it & I hate that I do!

I know that the best type of gym membership is the one that you actually use AND this is one that I actually do use.

(After a lot of frustration with unsuccessfully trying to make local park district rec center gym work for the past few years & never using it because no or limited or broken equipment / weird gym bros / it's really intended for our local teens & it's an amazing resource for them. I tried a few equally as expensive, schedule based fitness classes I enjoy as well; but it's just hard to make that work in this season of life.)

This isn't an Equinox or similar luxury type of gym, but it's by far the most expensive gym membership I've ever had & I am really grappling with that aspect of it.

Kiddo & I have been really enjoying the free "family hours" on the weekend with swimming & rock climbing, then lounging on the rooftop with smoothies from the gym cafe.

This is the 1st boutique gym where I've actually enjoyed the free fitness classes, I took a spin class on Friday that kicked my butt & reminded me that I actually enjoy the occasional spin (I did the Peloton rental schtick during Covid Lockdown).

This gym has indoor & outdoor remote work areas as well, this last week was the 1st time I tried it out... And damn, it was just really nice to so a short, intense work out class & knock out a bit of work on the rooftop afterwards.

Again, I hate that I am enjoying this gym so much 😬

[crunchy-bits]

As part of the Ongoing Orange Cat Chronicles - Aggressively Dumb Edition...

The idiot kept crashing my work video calls looking progressively messier each time he came to say hello.

When the call finally ends, I can see my kitchen is trashed; but cannot find the source immediately.

Orange Cat managed to UNSCREW my olive oil tin & spill it everywhere / seemingly slurped up half of it.

[crunchy-bits]

I spent most of Pesach + Kiddo’s spring break rotting in geothermal pools & mostly ignoring the greater world news.

I always thought My Area of Origins would make a solid option for a bomb shelter, but I’m back home & going to face the nuclear fallout while snuggling my cats 🤷‍♀️ Plus, I think I’m officially priced out of the Western Slope real estate (like a house with half the square footage costs 2.5x my Chicago house lol)

[crunchy-bits]

I got sat at the Kindergarten Hebrew school table last night for the synagogue Seder.

Apparently it was decided that one adult needed to supervise their shenanigans & I would be the sacrificial lamb.

The thing I don’t understand is why this dedicated table with a bunch of early childhood kids & a singular overwhelmed adult had 3 bottles of open wine & no juice during the 1st wine blessing.

The rabbi ran over to stop me after I poured the final glass of apparent manischewitz for my gaggle of 5 year olds. My kiddo already started drinking her “wine” (I understand manischewitz has alcohol content, but it’s basically juice).

So, I’m like ‘Well WTF, rabbi? What do you want me to do with these 9 glasses of children’s manischewitz?’

And rabbi is like ‘I dunno, bro. Just don’t get the kids drunk because I’m literally just trying to get through this Seder.’

… And that’s how I pounded back 9 glasses of manischewitz in 30 seconds last night & why my stomach feels like shit this morning.

[crunchy-bits]

Just some general holiday ramblings & Pesach / Passover forced-proximity-to-Ashkenazi observations from a Sephardi.

I am the Pesach wine fairy 🍷🧚

Any social gathering, I am in charge of the wine 🍷 As is my preference! I do not consider myself particular as I will drink just about anything, but:

1) I like being in charge of the wine because it is an easily obtained, crowd pleaser & everyone is excited when the wine fairy enters the threshold

2) I am never expected to remember any blessings other than the wine

3) Kiddo's paternal family has actually managed to find a wine so bad that it made me wretch at 1st sip & unable to get through any plagues

4) My synagogue has been "experimenting" with (unannounced) sober seders & services, which I am not a fan - But the rabbi doesn't care if I bring my own (kosher) stash & I end up with the most fun people at my table that want to partake in my stash

5) As someone that lived as a mostly single woman in France for 6 years, I am *experienced* at men speaking ad nauseam about terroir & grape types - So, I can read a wine label well enough to make an educated guess if it's tasty or not!

I got 8 bottles of kosher wine & 4 bottles of non kosher wine from a local-to-me French boutique for the 1st Seder, so everyone can choose their own adventure!

This was the 1st year it was bizarrely difficult to obtain (Good aka not Manischewitz) Kosher for Passover wine. I am blessed enough to be friends with some local wine importers & surrounded by an abundance of small import businesses, but I wasn't able to shop small this year & I always consider that a disappointment.

Obviously, it worked out - But I have other regrets, like doing an upper body workout the day before lugging around this much wine on public transit 🫠

Also, just an add-on ramble about Ashkenazi making food *way too complicated*

I consider anyone that pretends matzah is toast or pizza deserves to be charged with war crimes.

It's a fucking cracker.

It serves its symbolic purpose at Pesach - Let's not pretend it's a novelty. Just eat potatoes, rice & quinoa until you can have proper yeasty dough again.

More recently as an addition to my 🍷🧚 title, I have been declared the Pesach treat queen 🍬 👑  I have been told my desserts from 5785 are still receiving rave reviews from the Northshore Ashkenazis.

My secret recipe? Dipping some fruit in some chocolate.

It's really easy to have desserts that do not contain the ferments or the wheats - Yet, weird gummy candies & chocolate dipped matzah dominate the Pesach sweets bracket!

We can much better, lower effort desserts! We didn't escape slavery just to settle for bad desserts!

[crunchy-bits]

Something that has been coming up in therapy, as well as in-person connections, is one area of my life where my runneth over is family. I am just so undeniably loved & supported, it's really been a silver lining for me the past few years.

I am just having an incredible amount of gratitude for it recently.

Sure, there are personality conflicts. I am definitely closer to certain circles of my family than others. We have had incredibly difficult seasons of togetherness, particularly when I was in my late teens - early twenties (There were a lot of rough transitional periods, particularly for my generation of the family). We've even currently going through a rough season with The Ranch Drama Saga, but *the love* & *the community* is still overwhelmingly present.

I am beginning to finally address some of The Hard Things in therapy. The Hard Things that I superficially buried so I can get through my daily life with contentment, that I have never spoken to out loud until this point & the traumas I am afraid to pass down.

This is the part that is just so incredibly hard right now. Frankly, it's just shit that it's a flavor of trauma that others have done onto you & you had no control or contribution to the trauma that happened, yet you still have to deal with the fallout.

But - while sorting through the trauma & trying to remain optimistic while the world is on fire, I have been able to find a lot of gratitude for what I do have.

I am incredibly close with my youngest uncle & his family, we all had a partial family reunion of sorts. He had been avoiding his hometown for a while, he holds a lot of regrets over staying away from there & his oldest brother dying. We just had so much Rocky Mountain townie fun, 20 of his cousins & their families packaged the local bar. We are all these townie ranchers that laughed, cried & reminisced over family that has since passed.

Also, we drunkenly committed minor felonies by breaking into a nearby abandoned historical building to explore & my 6-year-old kiddo tried to do a seance by the graves of my oldest uncle & grandparents.

My kiddo lost her front tooth, 70 of my family members did a high-five circle while singing "We are the Champions" as my kiddo did a victory lap.

As I get older, I see a lot of my friends spiraling over family dynamics... And I am just incredibly grateful that's not me.

[aretasreads]

michael celebrating his win at in & out 😂🥰