I haven't allowed myself to write about you in a while.
No letters , journal entries or poems.
Nothing stained with my tears or my soul to be found by wondering eyes but the words have no one else to go.
So they ramble and repeat through my mind. Starting chaos fires anywhere I once found peace.
I thought maybe if I kept them inside it would contain the damage they could do. Instead it seems this wound has simply burned through the softer sides of me and is seeping out into the world anyway.
I want to come to you and share all my woes but I now know that it isn't your responsibility to regulate my emotional response to a situation. I also know you have no emotional space left. It's all focused on ruining your own life.
I had a realization today.
It wasn't graceful and full of peace like people make it seem. It's a heavy feeling and it's one I cast out long ago.
It's anger. And , I'm honestly not sure how to be angry anymore. The color red seems to stain my train of thought and it's awakened this beast of attitude even I can't seem to tame.
While I write these words I know that its happening again. The hard part I dread the most. This is the part where I make you feel something so you run. Like an animal with its tail tucked between it's legs and shivering with fear. Only , fear doesn't fit your outside persona so you will mask it. With the drugs and the alcohol until it catches up with you again.
I only hope your demons don't put out the flame that is your life.
Maybe one day I'll have the courage to be emotionally honest after you've shut me out but today is not that day. Today I drink my woes away and drown the voices calling your name.
I only hope I don't loose you in the night.