there was an alignment chart for higurashi so i made one for umineko... when they cry completion
these are based off of opinions from me and people on the discord server, so you’re free to disagree
Umineko Parody of http://botnik.org/content/harry-potter.html
Battler Ushiromiya and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Sliced xxx xxxx
Chapter Thirteen: The Incompetent One
Rokkenjima’s forest snarled with a wave of magically magnified wind. The sky outside was a great black ceiling, which was full of Kinzo’s blood. The only sounds drifting from the study were the disdainful shrieks of furniture. Magic: it was something that Battler thought was very non-existent.
Leathery sheets of rain lashed at Kinzo’s ghost as he walked through the rose garden toward the castle. George was standing there and doing a kind of frenzied tap dance while crying. He saw Battler and immediately began to eat Jessica’s parents.
Jessica’s Jessica shirt was just as bad as Jessica herself. “If you two can’t clump happily, I’m going to get aggressive,” confessed the reasonable George. What about Jessica angst?” offered Jessica. To Battler, Jessica was a loud, slow, and soft bird. Battler did not like to think about birds.
“The furniture are on top of the mansion!” Jessica bleated, quivering in her boots. Jessica was going to be eagles. She just was. She wasn’t proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not have eagles all over her body after all is said and done.
“Look,” said George. “Obviously there are loads of furniture in the mansion. Let’s listen in on their meetings.” The three complete cousins zapped onto the landing outside the door to the mansion. They almost legged it, but humans are not climbing. Jessica looked at the doorknob and then looked at George with searing pain.
“I think it’s closed,” she noticed. “Locked,” said Mr. Ronove, the handsomely-dressed butler. They looked at the door, screaming about how closed it was and asking it to be replaced with a small orb. The password was “SMALL BOMBS,” George cried.
Battler, Jessica, and George, quietly stood behind a circle of furniture who looked depressed. “I think it’s okay if you like me,” said one Yasu. “Thank you very much,” replied the other Yasu. The first Yasu confidently leaned forward to plant a kiss on her cheek.
“Oh! Well done!” said the second Yasu as her friend stepped back again. All the other furniture clapped politely. Then they all took a few minutes to go over the plan to get rid of Battler’s family and make him solve mysteries.
Battler could tell that Beatrice was standing right behind him. He felt a great overreaction. Battler tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest. Beatrice raised as eyebrows at Battler, who could not see anything at the moment.
“Beatrice, you’re a very bad and mean witch,” Battler savagely said. George nodded encouragingly. The tall Yasu was wearing a shirt that said ‘George Has Forgotten How To Get Laid,’ so George dipped her face in mud.
Jessica threw a lamp at Beatrice and everyone applauded. Jessica smiled. Jessica reached for the lamp slowly. “Battler’s the incompetent one,” muttered George as he reluctantly reached for Maria’s handbag. They did a crying or two, and jets of angst shot out of the Sayos’ heads. Jessica flinched.
“Not so incompetent now,” thought Battler as he dipped George in hot sauce. The Sayos were dead now, and Battler was hungrier than he had ever been.
***
The dining hall was filled with incredible moaning Stakes of Purgatory and a large attending physician who had decorated the sinks with books about saving a near-dead baby’s life. Mountains of Winchesters exploded. Several long Halloweens fell out of Maria. Eva’s hair scooted next to George as Eva arrived at mansion.
The one-winged eagle of Ushiromiya pulsed like a large hamburger made of Ange. Eva smiled at it, and placed her hand on its head: “You are disowned now.”
“We’re the only people who matter. She’s never going to get rid of us,” Battler, Jessica, and George said in chorus.
The floor of the mansion seemed like a large pile of something that is not magic. The Hachijos had never been to the mansion and they were not about to come there in Battler Ushiromiya and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Sliced Cow Tits. Battler looked around and then fell down a spiral staircase for the rest of October.
“I’m Battler Ushiromiya,” Battler began yelling. “The witches and furniture better be worried, oh boy!”
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