[crying-on-a-budget]

feelings are so weird, am I upset???

[crying-on-a-budget]

always thought I never got jealous but i have learned that I literally am always jealous and that is the ridiculous feeling that is always ruining my mood, bye😺😹

[crying-on-a-budget]

Bold thoughts bouncing around in my head

Not again

A lot to do

No motivation

I’m stuck

Trapped

Please help me before it’s to late

Don’t leave me isolated it’s not safe

Take me to a better place

Help me remember I do not need to be

R e s t r a i n e d

No longer is freedom a choice

I’m trapped within myself

All hope is gone

Who would have thought the end of me would

be myself ~A.S.O

[crying-on-a-budget]

You’re making me crazy

Although I know I’ve never been sane

It’s been really loud here alone in my room

Have you ever noticed that sound?

The one that drowns out happiness

It kinda sounds like you

You never really loved me

Maybe that’s a clue

Lock in on my pain

Make me miserable

It’s okay

Forever and always

My promise stays the same ~A.S.O

[crying-on-a-budget]

I don’t think I know how to be sober anymore and it scares me. Drinking and smoking started as a way to cope, you know? To forget. It was a way to help me stop the bad habits I had and become happier. But all it did was help me lose the bad habits I had and start worse ones. I started doing it everyday and losing pieces of myself I never thought I’d lose. I walk around with my brain always fuzzy and my body feeling like it’s floating away from me. I can never finish a full train of thought and I’ve lost all motivation for everything. I’ve noticed my feelings have become more present though. But with all the smoking and drinking those feelings don’t matter. They all feel the same. They all make me feel so hopelessly empty. But I can’t do anything about it because when I stop it all becomes 10 thousand times worse. All the feelings that I thought had me feeling nothing, now have me feeling everything I tried so hard not to feel for the past 3 months. So, maybe I am afraid that I don’t know how to be sober but it’s nothing compared to how scared I am of feeling everything I haven’t felt in so long, lol so pass the blunt ig.

[crying-on-a-budget]

Carnival Mirror

Being with you is like staring at a carnival mirror

Everything changes

My thoughts

My mood

My future

You are my carnival mirror

You change me

You make life enjoyable

I know your effects on me will soon fade

But for now you distort my views of the world in the most beautiful way

[crying-on-a-budget]

Do you ever wish people would check up on you like you check up on them? Like a simple “hey, how are you doing” would be nice, and not just because you asked them first and they’re trying to be nice. But because they genuinely care for you. One of those, tell me how you’re doing but also tell me why you are feeling that way, friendships. One of those friendships were both of you can instantly tell when something is off. Something real.

[crying-on-a-budget]

Knowing that you’re slowing falling out of love with someone, who you thought you could love endlessly for the rest of your life is so painful. Like they were your everything for a long time, now they still mean something to you but not as much. Now you’re heart doesn’t stop beating when they tell you they love you. Now you stop looking forward to texting them all day. It’s like loving them is no longer an elective, but a chore. You don’t want to break their heart but you know they see it coming. You’ve dropped hints, not very obvious ones but they still count. Knowing someone loves you more then you love them is probably one of the worst things you could experience. Especially when they love you a little more each day and you love them a little less. You know them better then you know yourself. They look up to you, they need you, you’re all they have. But you don’t need them, so what do you do. You’re not a bad person, you just need something new but do you really want to ruin there happiness just so you can be happy?

[crying-on-a-budget]

Grief. Grieving for someone who is alive is much worse then grieving for someone who has passed.

Heartache. An unimaginable pain that never heals but fades.

Both felt by a four year old too young to understand.

Nights spent waiting at the door.

Waiting for the only father figure in her life to come home.

Knowing that was no use because the red and blue lights have already taken him away.

Knowing, but still hoping that he’d come back.

Hope. A powerful weapon used against those gullible enough to fall into its trap.

A trap of false happiness.

A trap with no escape without learning to forgive.

Forgiveness. A powerful weapon used to help heal the hearts of those whose hearts have been broken.

A weapon used to save those drowning in there own sorrow.

A weapon that can only be used by those strong enough to accept that life is not as perfect as people portray is to be.

A weapon used by a 15 year old teen who’s figured out that the only way to not hit rock bottom is too forgive.

14 letters, 4 words, and one teen who’s finally built up the strength too say...

I forgive you dad. ~ A.S.O

[crying-on-a-budget]

Does anyone else ever wonder to themselves when life is going to get better, and if it does get better will it be instantly or will it take time? Will you notice the change? Like I don’t understand how people go from being depressed to living there absolute best life. I don’t understand how they got to make a switch that big and impactful. I can barely decide whether or not I want to go to school none the less decide I’m going to start being happy. Oh and that’s the other thing. Is happiness a decision the person makes or is it actions that make them happy. Because me just saying I want to be happy will not make me happy. Trust me I’ve tried, every night for the past two years. I don’t know how people get so lucky. Happiness seems impossible right about now.

[crying-on-a-budget]

Have you ever felt so lost that you don’t know how you are? Like someone will ask you how you’re doing and your stomach drops. It’s as if you’re afraid to answer the question because you don’t even know if it’s the right answer. But you know you have to answer with “I’m good” because you know people won’t understand a simple “I don’t know.” But why should they. Idk is the most confusing answer ever. In no way is it as simple as it seems because It can be anything, everything or absolutely nothing at all. I guess people need to genuinely be lost to understand how difficult “how are you?” Is to answer.

[crying-on-a-budget]

No one will ever understand your pain like you want them to. I don’t think people understand that. Yes, maybe someone is going through the same thing as you but you’ll never feel there pain, like they feel it. You’ll never understand there thoughts and how they process there emotions. You’ll never know how they truly feel. Even if the exact same tragic thing happens to two people at the same time and they feel very similar things, what they feel will never be 100% the same. You’ll never have the perfect advice for anyone and no one will ever have the perfect advice for you. Emotions are sacred things that can only be felt by the person feeling them. And that’s absolutely terrifying.