This drabble contains a fairly graphic description (in my opinion) of a panic attack, as I experience them. It this could be upsetting and/or triggering for you, please don’t read.
They’re lying in bed together, Rey snoring gently with her face buried where his neck and shoulder meet. Her face is soft, unmarried by nightmares or injuries from a recent mission. He looks at her, wanting desperately to close his eyes and sleep alongside her, but the fear holds him paralyzed, each hour longer than the last.
He has never slept well. As a child, nightmares plagued him, violent and vivid. With his parents often preoccupied, he would lay in his bed, shivering and sobbing until the morning came, the light driving away his fears. When he was sent to train with Luke, the nightmares became even worse, a horrible voice whispering to him, promising him power and safety, that he wouldn’t be afraid of the monsters in the dark if he was one. Waking up to see his last ally standing above him with a lightsaber, ready to strike… He rarely slept through the night anymore.
He shivers even thinking about it. He hates his own weakness, his fear of the dark, of closing his eyes never to open them again, or sometimes worse, to face another day. The fear grips him deeply, and eyes closed or not, he falls, dizzy but immobile, his palms grasping desperately at the blankets beneath him, at Rey beside him.
She is awake in an instant, taking only a moment to assess the situation.
“Ben?” She asks, and he can barely hear it in his daze.
“No, no, no!” He repeats frantically, small gasps tearing themselves from his mouth.
“Ben. Look at me Ben.” She demands gently, shifting herself to look at him more directly. “I need you to breathe Ben. Breathe with me.”
She folds one of his palms in with both of hers, rubs it gently. She knows this feeling. It is never far on Jakku, when the sands are known to swallow people with no mercy. She know that it will pass, and a grounding point may help restore him to reality. She holds his eyes and takes steady breaths, encouraging him. Minutes pass and his frantic words slow, and then stop.
He breathes more slowly, regains his control. Tears well in his eyes, and he buries his face in his hands, eyes wide and still tinged with panic.
“Ben,” she urges, “talk to me. Please.”
He takes two more shuttered breathes before he responds.
“I am scared,” he whispers.
“Of what, Ben?” She asks. She knows, but she needs to know what triggers this in him, how she can help him.
“Everything,” He replies. “I am afraid of the dark swallowing me. Of falling asleep and never waking up. Of knowing one day it will happen and I can’t… control it. I am powerless.”
Rey moves to turn on a light near them. The light will help to drive away the shadows.
“Ben…” she starts, unsure of what to say.
“No, I know. There is no use in fearing the inevitable. Luke has taught me that particular lesson,” He says bitterly.
She cringes remembering the events she had seen in his mind.
“I feel it too,” she whispers into the silence between them.
He looks up at her, shocked for a moment before remembering her background.
“Teach me,” He begs, “I just want to sleep.”
His voice pains her, and she wishes, not for the first time, that Snoke lived only so she could kill him a thousand times over. He knows he must have been tormenting Ben since he was a child, keeping him exhausted and terrified, vulnerable to the dark side.
“I don’t know how,” she admits. “I still get scared. But you’re here with me now, and that helps, you watching over me as I fall asleep.”
“Well it is an unparalleled sight,” He jokes. “You snore.”
She laughs, but cannot completely shake the guilt that she has slept contentedly why he lay in agony next to her. An idea forms in her head.
“What if I watch over you?” She suggests. “I will make sure you wake up.”
Reluctantly, he agrees, and shifts into their mattress, slowly closing his eyes. She sits up and guides his head to her lap, her fingers running through his hair, humming a lullaby she only barely remembers under her breath until his evens out, and she feels his muscles relax.
A few hours pass, and he begins to stir. She looks down at him, ready to comfort if need be, but is instead blinded by his sleepy smile.
“Sleep,” he tells her, groggy, “We can both sleep.”
She smiles and nods, her eyelids dropping already, and she shifts downwards, maintaining skin contact until they are settled together. They fall asleep together, both watching each other until their eyes won’t open anymore.
They wake up next to each other, and although it’s not the first time, Ben feels something different inside him this time. The darkness, the fear still lingers, but now there is light to scatter it. There is hope once again.
The problem doesn’t disappear. Ben still has bad nights, as does Rey. Sometimes they both sit wrapped in each others arms, trapped by their fears until the exhaustion and the drain of the ongoing war leaves them unconscious in each others arms. But they learn to control it, to work in spite of it. Hope burns in their souls, and for now, that is enough.
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