To stay afloat; @crystalliner - Tumblr Blog

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I havent really eaten all day

I wish I had close friends that i can confide to

Where are all my friends and support all of a sudden

I have a test tomorrow

my mother has been bothering me all day

I have done nothing all day

February 13, 2014

I suppose it's better to spit up words than it to be pouring from my eyes

I have not written anything in a long time and looking back, I was such an emotional faggot wow lmao

I sound so stupid for everything but I suppose that's just how emotional I was

So Matt broke up with me, surprisingly

But at the same time I'm not too surprised...

Him being more social allows him to see that there's nothing wrong with him, I'm happy he finally sees it.

However, because others are accepting the things he always knew was okay, I think he realized that my opinions of him were lousy and not admirable.

He feels weighted down, even if he doesn't say it, I feel like if I wasnt there, he'd be happier to experiment and learn more about himself.

It's okay. He'll be happier.

I knew of everything he liked and everything he was good at but I suppose I didn't appreciate it enough.

Some things just werent my taste, but I did get bitter

He was so sweet

I didn't make him happy as much as I probably can/should

I'm so sad

Because I know I can do better, and I honestly thought everything was going so well

We didn't hang out a lot and i thought he had time to himself

but he wants a lot of time to himself

I can't tell if he's being unfair or not, and I don't want to think too hard about it because I'm so tired and stressed about everything else

I still love him, and he loves me, but he'd rather end it than to go on a long break or work at it

Then again, maybe our relationship just honestly sucks

He was right about some things that he said last night about us, but I have learned that not all relationships are perfect and we're working so hard the past 2 years and a half to be close to perfect

but that's my side of the story

He says he feels like he has to make me happy

I havent felt that at all

Was this something he was keeping from me? Or was he always so subtle with the way he told me that it just goes right by me

I thought we were happy

i thought we were doing okay, and I never had a gut feeling once that at this point in our relationship we weren't going to make it

I don't understand

I honestly thought we can

I felt bad when he didn't want to have sex anymore

It wasnt anything serious, but i did feel upset, but thats what he wanted

Then he doesn't invite me out to hang out

I've been so busy but he didnt want to at least invite sometimes out?

I never expect all the time

kinda not at all because I want him to be able to have fun and do things by himself with friends because I've been doing that a lot too

but I just keep going back to him because he's my rock

I thought I wanted to fly too

I thought I wanted to be free as well

I completely understand what hes feeling

I'm just surprised that he actually let me go

I tried letting him go but he talked me out of it

made me feel so loved

could I not do that?

I knew his habits, who he was, but I took it, and worked at it, but I didnt know he felt such a burden so many times

At one time, I felt like like this wasnt going to work, I wanted more, I wanted to change and be free

but I loved him, and I stayed and I was happy either way

being with him was worth much more than being free

or my idea or free anyways

but when he was placed in a similar position, he wanted to leave

I felt so torn

I wanted to convince him to stay

but I also want him to be free and experience what I wanted 4-5 months ago

but I also want him to regret it, that pit feeling when I first decided I wanted to be free, but when I cut the rope I just found myself yearning for it again

I'm so sad

I thought we were doing so well

What happened lately that I did wrong

why havent we've been talking lately

I thought it was okay

I'm so devastated

She was with him for sometime now.

For a good long time now. Everything seemed perfect, he seemed perfect. Things may be missing, but that's just how life is. It never gives you everything, and you're just suppose to make up anything and everything for it.

The reality is never real anymore.

We say it's there, and we can state anything that is a possibility and call it reality.

Reality is what happens. What really happens.

It's not what can happen, it's not what we assume will happen, but it is what happens.

It's what you allow to happen.

Hope is another reason.

It pushes on everything.

Everything you believe, to everything you regarded. Hope pushes what you make into a reality.

What is your reality when your hope is scattered everywhere?

I'm tired and I have no clear way to go.

I have nothing to turn to and I feel half empty.

I wish I was half full.

I only feel half full when I'm with you.

But when will I ever feel full with you.

I can't even feel that way by myself

I wish I felt nothing

That would be great

#I need to forget about everything #again

I suppose you wouldn't understand as much as I expected you to. You came from a happy, healthy family. You have some cracks and blurred smudges on your mirror, but you can see everything so clearly and simply.

I've always wanted a guy like you. A guy that doesn't see past anything beyond his own concept, but is able to accept others. A guy that comes from a good background and a great inspiring, loving, and simple way of life. I want to children to be like that, ignorant and blissful, but open-minded and honest. It's difficult, what I believe in here. I am constantly choosing between the reality and complexity of the world, or the simple and glazed gesture your childish ways has to offer.

I love both so much, but in the end, I realize I become sick of it.

I become sick of my worthless efforts t understand the darker parts of the world, but I become sick of the fantasy that float in cloud 9.

I have no solution, but I have come across an answer that will satisfy me for the time being.

And, I will keep that a secret to myself, locked away and blocked my memories.

I'll be upset if I ever need to inquire this answer eventually and remind myself that I've lost it.

But oh well. I just need to forget.

Everything feels as if it's a staggering chart that's slowly sinking. Sometimes, some moments, make things okay. Not all the way, not always, but sometimes, it's just enough to make things bearable.

These years are the years of morphing this clay that's set out for us. Some are more defined than others. And some are greatly detailed but far from finished. I think these are the years that decide what's going to happen to our life. Our minds are yet from fully maturing, but it's close enough to determine whether we like where we're at or not. Some may move far, far away. While others find it perfect enough to stay. Hopefully, we aren't tied down because so many of our parents work so hard in getting us here, where we're at, to either making it better for ourselves and soon our own children.

It's always nice knowing that when I'm older, in college, maybe getting ready to get married or settling down, that things can always get better. I still think things can get better, though I'm always cursing at education and their statistics that ruin our self-esteem. And society, for the proper appearance for a young women should look.

But, aside from the bad notes that people tend to create for us all, I still believe in good people. And those are the people I try to surround my life with.

Goodnight.

Or morning.

#3AM #Last night of break #Horrible grammar as always #I've been watching himym too much

Shower

Intro of Outline

Read Winter Dreams

Read up to page 80 for The Great Gatsby

Outline

*If have time, study

So I realize that I can only think straight and feel on top of things if I have everything completed correctly and everything is functioning well

So I have to:

Fix my Intro paragraph

Find two more sources (For Winter Dreams)

Fix citations so they're all correctly in order and perf

Read Winter dreams and half of The Great Gatsby

Outline

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Anatomy analysis

Conclusion

Cut all words out

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Study for vocab

#ok lets do this

Tonight

Today was actually pretty good. I got to do things I've never done, and I got close with a friend. I really enjoyed it. But I suppose I'm writing right now cause I miss you. I'm just here, waiting for your call, in which now, I'm guessing never going to get. I should understand that you're with the guys, but I wish I could've had a goodnight sweetdreams etc etc crap going on after... I suppose its your voice or breathing I like to hear last before I sleep. Makes me feel better and hopeful of our future sometimes. We never properly said bye tonight. Paul just drove off madly into the night... He said I was trolling today. I was honestly trying to make him see what an ass he can be like when there's a different girl around... but I guess nothing can stop him he just hates being put down in those situations, but can't he see that acting like that makes you look like an ass rather than attracting the girl you like? He's sometimes annoying and unbearable. Whatever today sucked after 3rd, or should I just say at 3rd. I feel horrible and I don't really know how to express it. I just never want Mr K as a teacher ever again. I'm not really tired, I guess. I'm waiting for you. I wish we were talking more to each other. I miss your voice and smile and jokes. I don't even mind that part of the call where we say goodnight and I grumble because I don't want you to leave but at least I hear you breathing and if I'm awake enough, sometimes I still hope I'd hear you say my name to make sure I'm still there with you. When I'm done typing this, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Or maybe I'll try to stay up later to see if you'll call me. Goodnight world

And

I did it again because I cannot stop this feeling of perfect and ultimate commitment after the dreadful one year mark and I want to die because this is my natural reflexes acting upon my mind so I become impulsive and I cannot think straight anymore so don't ask me what I want because I will not fully evaluate what I want or how I really feel or what I am doing here and why I'm saying these assumptions I am currently drowning in.

My instincts tell me I'm in for a whirl so I must release and let go and do not be stupid enough to become so tied up in this thing called love because it might kill me or save me from this empty void I continue to be wandering in.

And what happens when it does happen, when I collapse in and drift off into this perfect world of you and me and the future we eventually call "us" in all the time, then what.

What will happen to me, little selfish me, will I be better, will I lose the best opportunity of my life one way or another or will I be led into it as I was led into your universe

I would like that very much

Being with you happily but I will not allow it to myself because what if we're not a match mate in heaven who cares because you make me so damn happy and you're the only one that has stuck around this long and hell I'm scared again because you're something big and if this is really going no where in the end then I lose the biggest part of my life and then I'll be old and grey and you'll be gone and I'll be at point A again with nothing left but burnt photos and your old clothes that smell like you when we were young

I am so lost in everything but it's still okay because you're still here and I feel like I have the decency to call myself okay