Cuileann Cultivates

Female. She/her/hers. A healthcare student & mother of a small, furry goblin. I’ve had an ED for 11 years & I’m finally choosing to commit to recovery.

[cuileann-cultivates]

So I fell off the wagon for a while. A long while. It’s been one of those years where one thing after another just kept hitting and my coping mechanisms weren’t up to the task. I wouldn’t say I took a giant step backwards, but temporary destabilisation is a bit of an understatement.

I think it made me realise how tenuous my situation is. How much I rely upon my routine, my space, my consistency, and the people around me to give a bit of closure and stability. Losing most of that is like suddenly looking down and realising there’s nothing but deep water beneath you. It’s daunting, scary, and leaves you a little lost as to where to go to start fixing the situation or what direction to start swimming. It makes you wonder if it’s fixable at all.

I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try though. I’ve gotten this far so there’s a precedent of tenacity and resilience that I’m clinging to. Jumping back on that wagon looks like a stir fry with peanut sauce, which has always been a challenge of mine but not overwhelming. Back to the basics, you know?

That’s it for today though. Baby steps, as usual. Remember to stay hydrated 😊

[cuileann-cultivates]

Another night out with friends. A quiz night this time. It was so much fun, and they’re such a lovely group of people that the actual eating aspect felt like a comparatively small part.

What’s odd though is that, upon reflection, I’ve reached the conclusion that I largely just find food to be… unremarkable. At least in taste, it just doesn’t really leave much of an impact. Am I not eating the right food? Am I too brainwashed by calorie counting, the feeling of fullness, and head-pounding anxiety in the decision-making process that I don’t have a filter for taste anymore?

When I think about it, it’s sad. Food can be such a wonderful way to connect with people. It can be so diverse and interesting, and can mean so much to people in a really, really good way. But I think I just don’t have that. Not anymore. Maybe twelve years with an eating disorder has broken it for me. Despite the anxiety of eating a burger at a restaurant - the first I’ve had in years, as long as I can remember, and with anxiety that was less than I expected it to be - that’s what sticks out to me. It wasn’t special. It wasn’t particularly enjoyable. I wasn’t upset or distressed, but it wasn’t easy or tasteful either.

Maybe I really am a bit broken by this disorder. I’m grateful that I’ve avoided some of the worst of it, but this part - it kind of sucks. No one really talks about it either, but yeah. It sucks

[cuileann-cultivates]

I had a work dinner last night.

Eating out at restaurants has definitely gotten easier to say the least. We don’t like to believe it a lot of the time but practice really does breed improvement. I’m not going to lie and say it wasn’t still a challenge, but saving face in front of work colleagues is an odd and unexpected anxiolytics. It’s like with friends but there’s more of an expectation of just ‘being natural’.

Little things pull me up a lot though. Things like the dollops of cashew butter throughout the meal (which I made sure I ate the entirety of, much to my odd sense of pride), or that there was an entree beforehand. Things like the timing of the dinner being pushed back because that kind of thing naturally happens when coordinating numerous people.

Little things, but it all worked out okay. Another point in my favour and a step towards getting back on track with this recovery train; I feel like I fell off it for a while there.

[cuileann-cultivates]

So I had a conference this past weekend. A really big event, it spanned the whole of each day. Naturally, that included meal times; it’s been a long time since I’ve just forgone eating because it was ‘too hard’ so this was a challenge I had no way of avoiding. Not only was I eating around other people, friends and strangers included, but the conference was catered.

That meant eating food that wasn’t my own.

It’s always been hard. Eating at restaurants, out anywhere that the explicit content of the dish isn’t completely known, sends my OCD brain into a frenzy. Not only that, but the catering was a buffet style. I’m sure I’m not alone in this but being encouraged to partake of a portion rather than a set amount has always been anxiety-inducing for me.

So yeah, this was a big challenge. Funnily enough it wasn’t as hard as it could have been. Not as hard as a part of my brain says it SHOULD be. The key point, I think, is that I wanted to be at the conference and learning from the speakers and workshops more than I wanted to pander to my disorder.

It’s tough to find that exception. It’s hard to find what it is that will make put your foot down, to find the strength and the courage to say no to a part of yourself that’s doing it’s best at convincing you that it’s trying to help and it’s ‘doing the safest thing for you’.

Food doesn’t have to be scary. It doesn’t have to be a challenge. Most importantly, it doesn’t have to be the biggest of your day. It sounds so simple, yet I doubt anyone who has experienced an eating disorder would deny that it isn’t.

[cuileann-cultivates]

Another dinner party. This is honestly the best part about fighting to get better and pushing myself to step out of my comfort zone. I didn’t realise how lonely and isolated it was to be in the full throes of my disorder but the simple pleasures of spending an evening with friends and sharing a meal if far too underrated and overlooked.

The sad part about it is that, when you’re in deep, you don’t care. When your ED has a tight hold on you, relationships and socialising don’t matter. Consideration for that kind of thing, for the longevity of it and your capacity to sustain friendships, is so far down the list of priorities that it’s barely even considered.

It’s almost ironic, really. EDs are painted as being wholly dependent upon superficiality and what others think but in reality it drives you in the complete opposite direction to the position consideration of those around you. The sad truth, and it’s only apparent when you get to glimpse the other side of it.

I feel like I’m really living for the first time in years, and it’s heartbreaking to think just how much I’ve wasted by not scrambling out of the pit I’ve found myself in sooner. It’s such a tough climb but each little milestone is so worth it.

[musashi]

6 am and this tweet just made me laugh so hard i choked on my coffee and started sobbing

[cuileann-cultivates]

As a medical student, I can 100% confirm that this is a thing. In saying that, it’s not like a doctor would pull up a page they know nothing about and take suggestions from it. It’s more like re-jogging the memory in your head with prompts.

So no, I sincerely doubt the doctor was looking up what bones were and am about 95% confident that if they saw the wrong info they’d be able to recognise it. There’s just so much to remember it’s literally impossible to retain it all perfectly!

[cuileann-cultivates]

Why is it that the longer you try the harder it gets? Surely it should be getting less challenging after a while. Surely I guess that’s the nature of the eating disorder though; I’m probably not as ‘well’ as I’m convincing myself. My circle of what I’m comfortable eating has just gotten bigger rather than my disorder retreating any.

I’d like to think that I’m still working on recovery though. Dinner this time was an attempt to convince myself of that. The surplus of vegetables themselves weren’t much of a challenge - and were aesthetically pleasing to top it off because… purple cabbage? Perfection - but the dressing was hard. Is still hard, for that matter. It’s peanut based, and nuts has always been so, so hard for me. Crazy hard, and it still is.

I did it though. I actually quite liked it too. The benefit of cooking in bulk for yourself is that you sort of get to challenge yourself with the same thing for a few nights, so I’ll do it again, and again, and then in a few weeks I’ll do it again once more.

Maybe I’m not as recovered or even as committed to recovery as I want to be. But I’m trying. I’m going to keep trying.

[cuileann-cultivates]

I’m returning back to basics again. Porridge is pretty easy these days so spicing it up by tossing in some extra elements is a good way to butt up against the boundaries of comfort and push myself a little, if not a lot.

I think that’s all I’m up to now. You know how you just get that sometimes - when you just feel tired on such a bone deep yet mental level that pushing yourself just gets… so hard? I think I’m burnt out a bit lately. With my ED, with eating, with uni, with work. With challenging my self image and my social anxiety. It’s all just so much and so constant. I don’t know how we can ever possibly manage to do it all.

[cuileann-cultivates]

My attempt at a vegan tikka masala. It’s actually really good. I still get surprised when something like that happens. I’m so used to the calorie content being the primary characteristic dictating whether I ‘like’ a dish or not.

I’m breaking away from that, at least a little bit. Using different spices, throwing in coconut milk, adding bits that I think would shake things up a little bit - it’s fun, and makes me a little proud.

I still have my moments with it though. Dishing it up it looked like more rice than I anticipated, so my disordered hackles rose and the anxiety spiked. But whatever. It’s fine. It’s just one meal, and it tasted nice. A meal shouldn’t dictate my outlook for the day, or my approach to self-compassion. It’s done that for far too long and I’m well and truly sick of it.

[cuileann-cultivates]

A new recipe! Jackfruit fritters aren’t a hard one per se but that I know the calories of certain ingredients makes it an immediate jump to what’s involved in it, how much I’m ‘working with’, what that means for my day etc. It’s frustrating when you just want it to stop but there’s no off switch.

Maybe some day though. I strive for that, and hopefully I’ll actually get there. I’m just happy to have a little bit of variety in my diet at the moment. That seemingly simple stipulation has been harder and harder to maintain. Even with foods that were previously dear foods - they become safe, and then easy, and then I lose my capacity to try even things that I used to be comfortable with.

Another frustrating element to juggle. But it’s okay. I think I’m settling back into my rhythm again. The jackfruit fritters were good, another recipe added to my repertoire, and I’ll make sure I keep it on the books so I don’t lose this one.

[cuileann-cultivates]

I feel like I can’t really call myself a proper vegan if I can’t make a semi-decent salad. This one is pretty simple but given it actually had a dressing and falafel, which is weirdly challenging for me.

So, overall? Not too hard but a good job nonetheless. I think I needed this one.

[cuileann-cultivates]

It’s been a struggle lately. Too much is going on and with the perpetual battle towards getting healthy, with weight restoration a part of that, it can be really exhausting. The little wins can be just as important right now as anything dramatic would be at any other time.

I don’t drink tea with milk. Ever. It’s as much because I never have as anything else, I think. In saying that, I’ve definitely been too scared to try. That, or it will be a passing thought of “well, it’s not like it’s a big change, so I won’t push myself with the needless extra calories”.

But I can and I will, so I did and do. Little wins.

[cuileann-cultivates]

It’s been a bit rough lately. I think after trying and trying, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and treading water to keep myself afloat, it all became just so tiring that the struggle became real again.

I’m self-aware though. I can see it happen and I’m pushing against it. I think sometimes it’s enough to maintain the status quo, give myself a bit of a breather (or as much of a breather as is safe and beneficial without slipping backwards), before regaining the energy to push on and keep challenging ED thoughts and behaviours.

I made a new dinner tonight. It wasn’t particularly hard, wasn’t too challenging, but it was new, and that always makes it an effort to bother. I don’t know if I’d bother again with this recipe, but I’m glad I did it as one of the main behaviours I fall back into is reducing the kinds of food I eat to maybe three ‘safe’ options.

I’ll do better from here on. Or at least I’ll try to. Onwards and upwards.

[cuileann-cultivates]

It’s no secret at this point that I like bread. My Achilles heel, I guess you could say, though I think that has negative connotations that I’m trying to steer clear of lately. Suffice it to say, I’m pretty sure I enjoy it at this stage and I’m spitting diet culture in the face and actually partaking of it.

So I bought a bread maker.

It’s fantastic, and it makes the house smell so good, and it’s really cool to be able to make my own bread, both from a creation perspective and to be slightly more environmentally friendly - and it’s terrifying. Mostly because this means that the portions aren’t pre-cut, and because the calories in the ingredients are weirdly higher than store bought bread.

I’m trying to get over that. I’m trying to accept variation in calories for foods that are literally the SAME FOOD but the brand has different calories listed. It’s hard but yeah, I’m trying. It feels like a big step. A good step.

Between making my own bread and broadening my personal cook book over the past few months, I’m feeling the shuffling steps of progress.

[cuileann-cultivates]

Going out with friends and actually being able to eat is such an underrated benefit of recovery and normalising eating. I’m under no allusions that I’m there already or even too far along my way, but I’m capable of little bits and pieces and that means the world to me.

We’re encouraged a lot of the time to consider food as the necessary sustenance for our bodies, and it is. But it can be so much more than that too. It can be praising and thanking someone for cooking for you. It can be complimenting someone’s skill in the kitchen. It can be gratitude for tailoring a dish to suit dietary needs, and almost tearful thanks for the concern and consideration of people who know your circumstances and know how hard it can be so try and help you by making it as easy and comfortable as possible.

I’m so lucky to have such wonderful friends to help my as I grapple with recovery. I would have loved to partake more, but the key take away is that I ate with everyone and was pretty comfortable with it. I loved it.

That’s what your eating disorder takes away from you. It’s heartbreaking to realise, especially when you get a little bit of it back.

[cuileann-cultivates]

Another new recipe tonight. I’m actually really enjoying playing around with things. It’s kind of cool and one of those moments where I feel comfortable acknowledging that I actually liked it. I always enjoyed tikka masala.

I still struggle with calorie counting instinctively in my head, though. I’m still grappling with pushing past certain numbers, tweaking things to make it ‘easier’, and pushing my limits on a daily basis. It doesn’t help that I know I’m gaining weight, which is a good thing and is what I need but is also a massive struggle.

Overall, I’m feeling relatively positive about this one, have added a new recipe to my repertoire, and hope I can push it further someday.

[cuileann-cultivates]

This was a big one. A really big one, and it felt really daunting and had been hanging over my head for days. The excited exclamations in the restaurant’s webpage of “a meter long of pasta!” didn’t do much to help the matter. The amount of times I considered cancelling because it was too hard and too anxiety-enduring, because it felt too soon and like I was moving too fast, was more than enough incentive to pull out. It’s the niggling voice in the back of your head that’s almost enough to drive you crazy.

But I went, I ate, and it wasn’t as bad as I always crack it up to be. On top of that, it was one of the absolutely best nights I’ve had in ages. At that point, after trying so hard and having such a wonderful outcome, it almost feels like some strange twist of fate gave me a reward.

It wasn’t that, of course. There’s absolutely no link between my behaviours and thoughts around food and what happens to fall into my lap unexpectedly from external sources. No link except that I wouldn’t have made myself available to receive them. What came about was a happy coincidence, and if I hadn’t gone then that wouldn’t have happened. It definitely makes it worth the effort.