PLACE FOR ME TO BE SELF-CENTeRED! FUCK YOU!

[curhound]

main @epilosipher

ran by kodi (shi/hir), main host. idk, i feel like shit.

i have something wrong with me but idfk what it is anymore.

[curhound]

the fact there is no socially acceptable way to put your life on pause when all you can think about is wanting to commit will never not baffle me. like, wow, you'd rather me commit and grieve about how pitiful of a life i lived rather than give me like a week long vacation to keep me around? seems very self-serving if you ask me.

[curhound]

i want to be able to tell people i care about them but fuck it hurts to even think about it.

i care for people, but it's painful. i don't know if they will truly stay. i cannot allow myself to tell them i am attached. either way it hurts, but one way feels much less painful.

i cannot let anyone in.

[curhound]

why haven't you killed me yet?

[curhound]

rot in hell bitch!

[curhound]

you did not become a bad person, you always have been. ✪

[curhound]

very nice to see that both of my exes succumbed to drug use. like yeah, that thing that made you cut me off, and that thing i tried to warn the other you to use less of? glad you're still having fun with it on a daily basis. i'll be happy to read your obituaries soon.

[orivu]

youve died a thousand times before who caaares just climb out of this grave again & again &agaian & agaian & again & again & aga

[curhound]

i think i'm starting to get tired of masking irl again. not really masking my mental health but masking my thoughts and feelings spurred on by it (i see them as seperate). i masked for so many years irl and now i'm back at a breaking point and help is happening so slowly sometimes i just want to scream about how much i want to commit rn and see if they finally listen.

[curhound]

i used to go to bed scared i would die in my sleep but now i hope for it.

[curhound]

oftentimes i find myself unable to believe the things i trusted you with the most.

only for you to laugh in my face. only for you to later make fun of it.

you make me sick, and i hope every waking moment is agony for you still.

[curhound]

at least i have tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. at least i have tried to believe that deep down you can be a good person. it is naivety and dependency that allows me to still feel this.

i do not have it in my heart to wish you dead. i do have it in my heart to wish you an agonizing existence until you recognize your disgusting behaviors and repent to no end.

unlike you, i still have faith that you can be saved. unlike you, i am trying to change myself.

as always, i anticipate no change in you. but i wish for it.

[curhound]

oftentimes i find myself unable to believe the things i trusted you with the most.

only for you to laugh in my face. only for you to later make fun of it.

you make me sick, and i hope every waking moment is agony for you still.

[curhound]

i will only continue to fail you.

i hope one day you can forgive me.

[curhound]

i hate being so insecure. i wish i was more confident in simply existing.

[curhound]

my therapist constantly tells me how anxious i look and i'm just like fuck am i? is this not my normal state of being? maybe i have grown used to it, but is it really an issue if i've become accoustomed?

fixing myself is scary. i don't know if i want to be fixed anymore.

[curhound]

i hate being so insecure. i wish i was more confident in simply existing.

[curhound]

embracing the fact i am probably the downfall of my system's mental health and the sole reason it took us so long to get help. i have been on-and-off host for a few years now. yeah, i'm the problem. and that is lovely, isn't it?

i guess my purpose has never shifted.

[curhound]

i don't know how i have had so much self control this entire time. years have passed and yet i have barely done anything for my own benefit. i am tired of catering to the others within this vessel. i am tired.