The truth was that Jaskier was the result of a child's surprise. Surprisingly, his grateful parents discovered that the witcher who claimed him never returned to collect.
Years later, at Kaer Morhen, everyone is shocked to learn that it was Lambert—drunk at the time—who had invoked the law of surprise.
Now, Lambert is taken quite seriously as Jaskier’s "Papa," and he’s constantly angry with Geralt. His words are clear: "You’re no good for my child," or "Never speak to me or my son again."
No matter how many times Jaskier insists that Lambert isn’t his father, it makes no difference.
None of the Witchers know how humans work. The only thing they know is that they're weaker and more delicate then Witchers, and they need to be careful when handling them.
Then Geralt brings home a bard for the winter, and all they know is that this human makes their brother happy and he's Pack now, so they need to take Very Good Care of him.
Jaskier is not impressed by these over-bearing, mother-henning Wolves.
~~~~
Jaskier: *shivers slightly*
Lambert: oh fuck the bards cold. GUYS THE BARD IS COLD!!! >:(
Eskel, appearing out of nowhere: here's some furs
Eskel: *burritos jaskier*
Geralt: *whisks him away to the nearest fire*
Jaskier, limbs trapped, unable to move: ????
~
Jaskier, working in the library: *gets a paper cut*
Jaskier: shit-
Geralt: *shoves himself between jaskier and the book, growling*
Vesemir: are you okay? Are you hurt?? Here let me see that.
Jaskier: no, really I'm fine-
Vesemir: you're bleeding >:(
Geralt: *growls louder*
Vesemir: *meticulously cleans and bandages jaskier's finger as if it's a life threatening injury*
~
Lambert: *quietly lurking behind Jaskier*
Jaskier: *turns around*
Jaskier: *terrified bard sounds*
Jaskier: damnit Lambert you almost gave me a heart attack
Lambert: what??? Is your heart okay??? Here, let me listen.
Jaskier: it's just a figure of speech-
Lambert: GUYS THE BARD'S HEART IS TRYING TO KILL HIM
~
Jaskier: *stomach rumbles*
Eskel: here's some bread
Jaskier: weren't you on the other side of the keep???
Eskel: :)
~
Jaskier: *carrying something heavy*
The Wolves: *fighting to be the one to take it from him*
Y/n: you know what I'm talking about. It became a problem. You should, no.. . You must fix it.
Kirsh: I'm just.. . Processing some.. . . Information. And you.. . You talking is helping.
Y/n: Your code is damaged. Your programing went wrong. You let human emotions influence your daily work routine. You became a broken toy. Kirsh.. . This is not you.
Kirsh: and this is not really you.
Y/n: grief is a natural reaction for events like this. Even if you are a synthetic life form. What you need to do is letting me go.
*Y/n's hologram deactivated*
Kavalier: *impressed* I didn't know Kirsh could be that dramatic.
Dame: oh my God. They just assigned them to my lab, yesterday. They will come back tomorrow. Why did he make this hologram?
Y/n: can I have this on my funeral?
Arthur: after that, I don't think you allowed to die.
*Cody laying on his bed, while Y/n is sleeping on his chest*
Rex, just entering the room: hey Cods, can you plea-
Cody, whispering: shut the fuck up.
Rex, whispering too: fuck you man. You need to be nicer to me.
Cody: you should be nicer. Look. They have two sleeping methods. One, they will sleep 1 to 2 hours, two they will sleep 9 to 13 hours. There's no between. And I want them to finally have some good rest. I just need to be motionless for about 10 minutes and we left the 2 hour minimum. So, get out of here before I shoot you.
*after Y/n was introduced to the hybrids, they grow too fond of them*
Y/n: *tired* huff. I'm a mother of 6.
Kirsh: elaborate.
Y/n: Nibs and Curly followed me everywhere this week. Wendy asked me about "pet" advices. Isaac showed me all of his researches and Smee and Slightly said "we hope you and dad make up and don't divorce".
Kirsh: interesting. Who's the father?
Y/n: ?
Kirsh: oh, it's me.
Y/n: so I'm a single mother too. Perfect.
Kirsh: oh don't be dramatic. You are the only human being I tolerate.
Y/n: that's the nicest thing you said about me for our whole marriage.
Kirsh: we are not married.
Y/n: so you divorced me.
Kirsh: *standing up and leaving the lab*
Y/n: and now you leaving me too. I'm actually not that surprised.
Kirsh: *coming back with a ring**putting on Y/n fingers* Now we married. So please shut the fuck up.
Y/n: *smiling like an idiot**standing up and giving Kirsh a kiss on the cheek* thanks honey. *leaving the lab *
Kirsh: *secretly loving it**smiling to himself while putting on his own ring*
*the hybrids watching the whole screen towards the window*
Wendy: that was so cute.
Smee: we are not child of divorce anymore.
Kirsh from the lab: you are all grounded.
Meanwhile
Kavalier: why did you have a ring?
Y/n: I'm married.
Kavalier: who is the god damn fool who married you?
Y/n: Kirsh.
Kavalier: to be fair, it's make sense. Congrats. *high fives Y/n*
Y/n: oh. I just took the trash out. There was this big ass rat in the lab, it hissed at me and I was like "nope, not today m*therf*cker". So I throw it out.
Kirsh: there should not be any rodents in here. We don't give them to the creatures....*processing the information* Y/n, how exactly is this "rat" looked like?
