dépaysement

you put me down then put me on a pedestal now that I'm gone you're gonna miss me

[lyrics-and-music]

11 Minutes // YUNGBLUD and Halsey

[curscdclara]

hastalikhunts​:

          Hastalik wasn’t sure how to speak for a moment, mouth hung open just enough for him to breath through. All he could really do was watch as her hair moved with the autumn winds, a few stray strands crossing her porcelain features as she somehow had the capability of speech. He was in awe, though he had rather always been in awe of her. Even when he had first seen her, his magic able to feel the immortal blood that ran through her veins, he had looked at her and seen something beyond the world he was meant to know.

           Fortunately Tali was capable of affections, the dog lapping up her touch in a way Hastalik was envious of. It was the unfortunate nature of their connection, one that Hastalik loathed but was desperately grateful for, a gratefulness that came with an unending guilt because it was for something that had caused her tremendous suffering. How could anyone want someone so sweet to suffer? Hastalik’s eyes heavy on her hands as they ran over his dogs fur, clear nails scratching at him, running back and forth as Tali breathed her in. It was impossible to fathom a desire to harm her.

           Only when she released Tali, and uttered a soft playful suggestion that maybe Tali missed her as much as Hastalik could he finally speak. “It was me, definitely me,” Hastalik responded, lips pressing together, feeling dry from his workout and from his lips being so lingeringly parted as she’d spoken of maps and phones. He had wanted to laugh but he’d been too distracted by the sudden fullness of her presence. Even still it swelled in him, filling the parts that had felt empty since she’d left. Like she had hoped for him, Hastalik hoped she would control the pace, sure if it was up to him he would engulf her, drag his dark facial hair over her cheek as he kissed her skin, but it would be unfair to her.

           Hastalik was ready to say he remembered as Tali lay on the ground at her feed, begging for tummy rubs but now being ignored, the dog was old though, but she kept speaking in her lilted French tone. Playfully accusing in nature, exaggerated perhaps by that accent he had come to know so well. “I could only hope you’d hold me to it,” Hastalik answered, ready to beg she hold him to everything he had ever promised her they would do once they were free and somewhere safe. The small townhouse - barely a house with the bed’s landing above the kitchen and storage above a tiny bathroom - was not even half of what he had insisted he would give her when they left and yet he’d hoped, for a time, it could be enough. 

          Stepping from the home and closing what distance their was between them Hastalik listened to her talk on how she had kept his shirt clean. He smiled, the edges of his mouth pulling up into his cheeks, creating lines at the corners of his eyes. She had not stolen anything, at least not in Hastalik’s eyes. Anything that was his was most certainly hers, and yet he didn’t stop her from removing the fabric from herself. Hastalik’s deep eyes instead lingered as the memories of his lips running over her collarbone, her breath at his ear as they trailed up her neck held him in thought.

         Which was why when it was finally offered to him, fabric hanging from her hand, Hastalik accepted it, only to wrap it back around her shoulders, his thumbs that held the lapels of the shirt grazing the skin over her arms as he tugged at the fabric. “You didn’t abandon me, and you didn’t steal,” Hastalik finally insisted, eyes on his own hands because looking directly at Clara as he spoke would have only made him fall silent again. “I am glad it’s clean,” he continued to smile as he spoke. “But I can’t even describe what it means that you’re back.”

           Despite better judgement Hastalik’s let his fingertips run down the length of Clara’s arms. He wanted the natural way they had once been able to touch one another to return, and yet he knew why it was not so easy. Formed in a dark bubble they existed in their affections had been all they each had. It was easy to embrace someone who saw your wounds exposed near daily. The welt, cuts and bruises that stained Hastalik’s skin from his father, the weakness of Clara’s whole form as they drained her blood constantly. Now they were meant to suddenly be whole people, even for Hastalik it was an adjustment, he couldn’t fathom what difficulties there were for Clara. “I thought maybe I was just connected to too awful a memory,” he said as his fingers found purchase in her own, large a calloused from the gym, unaware the gym also made his sweat smelt like freshly cooked bacon and axe body spray, the wind blowing it around her.

Clara was flattered to notice how many minutes it had taken Hastalik to take her presence in - both his heart and brain seemed to be having a hard time comprehending the traits he could recall like the back of his hand and belonged to her weren’t part of some wicked illusion and she was there for real. It was only when he voiced an answer to her playful remark that she was taken aback by his honesty and how much he seemed to genuinely appreciate her presence. He hadn’t put up with all of that only because he saw a defenceless victim in her. Yes, he had seen her at her worst. Yet he stood there not needed to scold her for running further than expected when he had been the one to put her back on her feet. He wasn’t holding anything against her, he wasn’t claiming she owed him everything. 

There was one thing her mother had taught her and she had been working on it ever since she was taken from the world she used to know: forgiveness. She had been taught that forgiveness didn’t mean making amends with whoever hurt her. It didn’t have to mean befriending them, sympathising with them or validating what they had done her. It meant accepting that they had left a mark on her. And for better or for worse, that marks had been her own burden to bear all along. Perhaps at first she had waited for Hastalik to put her back together but then she had realised how unrealistic that was and decided to try and heal her own wounds and move forward with scars. Of course it hadn’t worked out the best. But forgiveness wasn’t about letting injustice reign. It was about creating her own justice, and her own destiny. It was about getting back onto her feet and deciding that the rest of her life wasn’t going to be miserable because of what happened to her. It meant walking bravely into the future, with every scar and callous she had incurred along the way. It didn’t mean that she was giving up all of her power. Forgiveness meant she was finally ready to take it back. And she hoped Hastalik would forgive her for the course of action that helped her reach that point of strength. There was too much at stake to be apprehensive or not address the truth behind her escape from the walls that no longer held her captive. Guilt had sank in the moment she realised that by leaving, he was putting him in danger too. What if he blamed her disappearance without a warning on his coven? What if he believed they had managed to get their hands on her again and ended up being the bait to find the member they considered to be a traitor? 

Clara thought that a war could only be lost when they stopped perceiving the other in front of them as a being with hopes, dreams and feelings. She had experienced how a glare of indifference could kill and a gaze of empathy could light a spark. And maybe that was the reason why she didn’t take for granted any of his gestures: not even there when he placed the shirt over her shoulders and gently touched her skin. She felt herself blinking slower, focusing merely on the little spots of warmth where his thumbs ignited little fires. Almost as if he had been reading her mind, he didn’t pull away and took his time to find her own hand. “I thought we had agreed on leaving those behind, the awful memories.” She murmured, taking his hand between both of hers and holding them up to rest on her chest - right where a where a heart would've been beating many years ago. “Don’t underestimate me, dear. I’ll never become just a memory. Even when I’m gone, I’ll most likely continue to haunt you only in hopes of feeling you smile again.” She reassured Hastalik with a confident smile as she stepped inside with cautious steps, dragging him along as she didn’t let go of his grip and let her assertive eyes recognise their surroundings. A bigger place they could call their own would’ve only been terrifying. Clara had needed to know that even if they were doing different things under the same roof, it only took a slight movement on her head to spot Hastalik nearby. When he had first started working and leaving the house, chances were he’d return only to find Clara right where he had last caught sight of her. If he woke up earlier and was outside just catching some fresh air with Tali, her eyes would always frantically search his silhouette.

“Did you sell me out, Tali? Lets see...” She asked the dog before lifting the corner of the rug on their tiny living room with the tip of her shoe and almost immediately a grin was painted on her face as she saw what she seemed to be looking for. “You have to promise me you’ll get better at scavenger hunts, though.” The red head told Hastalik with a proud shake of her head as Tali began to push the thick fabric with the nose. “I guess texting is better but nothing makes the brain work harder than trying to understand the handwriting of someone who hardly remembers how to hold a pen against a paper.” She leaned down to pick the piece of paper up but instead of handing it to him as she had done with the shirt, there was no stopping Clara from wrapping her arms around his torso. He fit into the spot that was so familiar when she hugged him, like there was a hollow there that he’d made. She didn’t hold the hug though, letting him decide when it was finished. The ease for her had still been hard won. A dedicated push inside of herself to keep the parts of him he was willing to give and let go of the rest. “I think you’ll find some answers and truths there if you ever need them. Extra points if you take a look at it when I’m asleep so you save me the embarrassment ” She explained, sliding the note into the pocket of his pants. “They haven’t changed...I made an oath to my self: I’d return and I’d hand it to you in person.” She spoke quietly with eyes closed. For the most part she kept her head buried in his shirt as her fingers curled into the fabric, not clasping it tightly, but just enough to make sure he was there indeed. Heightened senses perceived the natural odor that gave away his recent whereabout - a suspicion that was confirmed the moment she spotted his gym bag aside. Just like the clotted blood under his skin, his scent had never failed to make her aware of his presence even at her weakest. She remembered one time she had gone far too long for her liking without his visit and each time that happened, she liked to believe he was only busy on some mission and refused to accepted that perhaps he had changed his mind about her worth. So much blood had been drained from her without consideration that she remained motionless with closed eyes when she heard more footsteps approaching her bed. And that was the first time she had felt his calming presence beyond her vision. “If I hadn’t return, it’d have allowed you to understand why I couldn’t bring myself to look you in the eye ever again.” She was far from perfect and she couldn’t be nonchalant. But that wasn’t a moment to let her mind create a moat plagued with beasts between them when they were so physically close. “I see I’m late for the gym but just in time for the shower. May be your lucky day considering I would do just fine without experiencing the jolt of a freezing motel shower.” Clara chuckled not quite aware of the fact she was revealing information about her own whereabouts. 

[curscdclara]

hastalikhunts​:

Long Days || Hastalik&Clara

        It had been weeks since Clara had departed and the longer time went on the less sure of himself Hastalik became. It had been a series of motions. Wake up. Walk Tali. Go to work. Go to Gym. Come home. Repeat. Occasionally he hung out with Ben or went to a bar but mostly he felt directionless. When he’d run from the coven his focus had been on working out the safest way to get Clara out. Once he had her his focus had been on helping her adjust not only to the time she was to exist in but to get accustomed to just…people everywhere, always being around. She’d been in a single room for over a decade, the world would be scary. Then she was gone and suddenly he didn’t know who he was.

          “Hey, boy,” Hastalik said to Tali as he stepped inside the small home on the outskirts of Bowden. He’d picked it because the Hollowed Forest could be seen from the windows, and there weren’t as many college kids walking around as there were in the parts closer to the center of the city. Clara could see she was free but not be overburdened by it. “Miss me?” he asked, dropping his gym back down on the floor. 

           Hastalik was covered in sweat, shirt sticking to his back, and was ready to shower when Tali began to bark at the door, rushing towards it as he had when Hastalik had come in, nose pressing against the glass and looking outside expectantly, excited for company. The tan pup saw her before Has did, turning in his sneakers to catch sight of the red hair he had familiarized himself with over years and years, the shade so completely her own. Every part of her burnt into his brain, the way part of her chin came in, the way her brows rose in a soft curve, the smile lines in her face. For so long her face was the only one that had brought him any joy. 

           “Clara?” Hastalik asked, pulling open one of the large glass screen doors. She didn’t need permission to enter, the home had always been rented in her name.

@curscdclara​

Lights glittered everywhere just liked stars dropping to the earth, huge and small buildings collided in a mixture of shadow and geometry, tiny vehicles rushing along tangled lines of streets creating twisting threads of light - they all intertwined together in a magnificent mess of dream as the sun began to disappear behind the Hollowest Forest. A breathtaking, marvellous, almost frightened dream that made her feel like some fake, unlucky living thing. Or dead thing. One that still needed a hand to hold and guide her through the maze when she felt utterly insignificant. When the pressure of her days were inside her, not like a tangled knot but like a ticking bomb, she needed to let it explode somewhere safe. She needed to go somewhere it couldn’t do lasting damage. And this man had known how to control that better than anyone. In all honesty, she had needed the asylum version of their relationship more than she needed blood, water or air. The wind had started to blow harder and the temperature had dropped but there she stood behind the glass door, anxiously fidgeting with the daylight ring Hastalik had made for her. It had become a habit, a stress reliever and a way she had found to bring him with her wherever she went all those weeks. It was also a reminder of everything he had done for her and that piece of jewellery was just one of the many ways he had granted protection and freedom.

“Turns out paper maps are obsolete and I can’t seem to understand why they’d be replaced by devices with reception and batteries that leave much to be desired.” She replied after a moment of silence, savouring the way his voice sounded again and taking her time to read his expression. The way his eyes found hers had her holding back shivers, had her stilling just for a fraction of a second to not push forward too soon. His eyes could always cast a spell of lust to eyes that dare look his way but being close with him again made her feel like she was unravelling at the seams. “But I guess the unknown is less scary and unpredictable when it’s no other than you waiting at the destination.” She spoke quieter about this invisible force that had led her to the front door without many obstacles on her way. Her chest was rising and falling with the sedative qualities of a lullaby and she forced her trembling hands to remain out of the picture as she responded to Tali’s demand for attention. “Hello, handsome.” Clara crouched to greet Tali whose tail wasn’t wagging side to side but going round and round like a helicopter blade; any happier and she thought those paws might catch some air. “Yes, I’m back. I’m back. I kept my promise.” She reassured Tali between sessions of desperate sniffing and licking her outstretched hands. After a few seconds, the dog lay on its back at her feet and a soft chuckle escaped Clara’s lips. “Wouldn’t be able to tell who missed me more to be honest.” The redhead joked lightheartedly as she straightened herself.

She wanted him to control the pace desperately just like she had granted him the upper hand during their encounters underground. He came out of nowhere those many years ago. Unexpected was the word, and she stepped into it, into him, warily. Fearfully. It was a struggle at first; after all, that initial fear was not unfounded but eventually both responded with reassurances that could only be described as flowery, until her wariness dissipated, and changed to willingness. Kindness was met with suspicion, for her heart had learned nothing could come without a cost — there were always strings, always an agenda. She feared him like snakes could be feared although he had a poison that made her feel more alive than dead. But she probably still would have told him that he could have expected her to never waver. Despite zero guarantees. And she would have clung only to the hope that those words were reciprocated. She had wanted to know everything there was to know about him but discovered her guard was still up when she realised she was limiting herself from asking too many questions. She didn’t want to be a nuisance, after all. He was the one with reservations and rightful reasons not to welcome her presence. Though she knew him well enough to understand there was no sign of resentment in his demeanor, Clara didn’t want to get ahead of the situation and walk into the apartment as if she had never left and took for granted his hospitality.

“You promised me you’d take me to see the sea the day before I left, remember?” The local newspaper had been her main source of entertainment the couple days she had been to anxious to experience the city. It had been a safe way of connecting with the outside world, learning what was going on and how many things had changed. One particular morning, the picture of the Allied Beaches on the front page had caught her attention. She had spent way too much time studying the horizon and trying to understand how was it possible that the deep blueness beyond the trees that could be seen from their window wasn’t all part of the sky. It was maybe one of the first thing that had awoken a spark of curiosity in her eyes and Hastalik hadn’t failed to notice it. Back in France, she recalled her family having a preference for vineyards and the Alps. She was used to long weekends of hot chocolate and snow but she had only seen the ocean from an airplane. “Did you really think I'd leave and not hold you to that Has?” She asked, raising her eyebrow curiously.  “Abandonment isn't my style. Neither is stealing.” She confessed as she looked down to her chest and unbuttoned the tartan shirt she had borrowed from him. She grasped the ends of the sleeves and pulled her arms out, revealing the hile tank top she wore underneath. Taking a look into the latest fashion tendencies hadn’t been a priority of hers the time she had been away. She had cleaned houses and walked dogs only to afford bottles of blood and have a roof over her head. ”I’ve taken it upon myself to return it in person without a single stain.” She said proudly as her lips quirked upwards in a joyous smile and held it out to him.  

[teatralka]

[blopaz]

[heavensghost]

[dailyhailee]