And now for the July horrorscopes:
Aries: Remember, when in a strange land, be the strangest of them all. Demonstrate your bizarreness. The natives will recognize your superiority and designate you as their leader. Just kidding. You truly are the strangest of them all, but you adapt so well, that nobody would ever recognize you for what you are, freak!
Taurus: In the dark, there are monsters. They are afraid. They want to warn you, but they have no vocal cords to speak with, so they fall back on symbolism and omen. A mosaic of hints and superstition will lead the way.
Gemini: Your doppelganger dropped by, as you slept it off. They brought you groceries. They watered your plants and washed your dishes. You should send them a nice thank you card.
Cancer: Let that nightmare lead you to salvation. You know which one. The Gods have decided.
Leo: It's one of those days where you need to stop and think real hard. Who are you, Leo? Try to remember. Who are you, and what did you want in the kitchen? Why are your hands bloody? Remember.
Virgo: You were right. There was someone in your room all those years ago.
Libra: A two headed snake may be pretty but both mouths still bite. You've already lost enough fingers.
Scorpio: Death comes. You know there is a bargain to make. Your life for another, lifetime after lifetime. Death comes and brings the ghosts to haunt you. The poltergeist activity is a strategy to slow you down.
Sagittarius: Why not raise the stakes? The garden party will be a bomb if you mix in the bottle of poisoned Prosecco and the beer with the antidote. This is how a good host keeps their precious guests entertained. How else will you be able to tell it's an epic celebration if nobody dies or if nobody pins you to the murder?
Capricorn: You woke up today, congrats! One down, only three hundred and fifty seven to go. You will fall asleep, and wake up in Paris for a month. Don’t trust a word the crows say.
Aquarius: You are as unique and as curiously mundane as a gingko tree. Scientists everywhere are still struggling to classify you.
Pisces: It's late. You shouldn't mind if a stranger offers help. Try to be friendly, offer tuna or salmon. This stranger could give you the most interesting time of your life, or eternal peace. It's up to you. Those cats won't leave you alone, huh? A bit of catnip should do the trick. You're welcome.