Nick Cutelli

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10 things that would really happen during the apocalypse.

As you know the US of A loves a good old fashion lets destroy the Earth and then who ever survives gets to fight each other for whats left. But lets just remember that is just an idea through a movie of what could happen. I did some research on my own and here are ten things that would really happen during an apocalypse. 

1- You can pee and poop anywhere you want, don’t after to worry about all that toilet rights crap that’s going on in USA. There’s no police so feel free to go anywhere. Also try to poop in a farm field or something to help grow potatoes like in that mars movies...I think it was Aliens. 

2-Hipster beards would just become regular beards. Sorry hipsters but since a lot of men don’t shave after the end of the world, your hipster beards will be a thing of the past. But you can still work on your coming of age stories. 

3-The Kardashians would be canceled. Since the power doesn’t really work after a dooms day event, the Kardashians would no longer be on the air. Thank God. 

4-You don’t have to pay taxes! enough said. No government. 

5- White House tours would be open again. Since its the end of the world and the president went in to hiding. You can now walk through the white house if you want. 

6- The Theatre industry would be booming! No more TV or Films, look out Broadway its your time to shine. 

7- Country and punk music would thrive since there the only styles of music that still use real live bands, instead of that computer crap. 

8-Camping would no longer be a thing, it would just be referred to as regular living. 

9-Everyone would be lost since there is no google or apple maps. Have fun trying to find a place to rob or steal food. 

10-Years later when the world is reborn and people start to make movies about the events. They will hire a good looking British man to play the lead roll of an American President. 

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Man wears picture of his penis in hopes to attract more women.

Jon Dumb Jacks a man living in the Midwest, decided on Monday this week to start wearing a picture of his penis on his t shirt in hopes of attracted more females. Jon believes that his tool of baby seeds is something that should be shared with everyone and believes that women really do care about it. The only problem that Jon has run into is when he washes the shirt. Since it is 100% cotton the shirt has shrunk, therefore destroying Jon’s man hood. On the flip side Jon has been invited to be a chairman in the pride parade of Ohio. 

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FepbaTqJtD0)

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Reporter discovers Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are not Teenagers.

Its was revealed on Friday night after reviewing the medical records of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that they are in fact in their mid 30′s.  Since Turtles don’t physically age that much and have such amazing bodies, the Turtle’s pretended to be teenagers. People forget that the turtles we created in the late 80′s 90′s and in facts have been around for quite some time making them now in their 30′s. It was also revealed when the reporter found out that the Turtles were kicked off Splinter’s medical insurance due to age restrictions, The law states that you can not be on your parents health care past the age of 25. A law suit is now pending that states the Turtle’s need to change their names to the Middle Adult Mutant Ninja Turtles. Since this reveal, a new study has also been started to see if the Turtles are really ninjas, since their not asian and are in fact just turtles. 

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Study proves that yelling at TV helps your sports team win.

A study conducted at a university proves that yelling at your TV during a sporting event and acting like a dumb ass can actually help your teams chances of winning increase. The study showed that in every TV there is a mic that feeds right into the coach’s ear. He can hear everything you say and sometimes will make play calls based on your yelling. 

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What is Libertarian?

Due to the outcome of the election so far and it looks like it might be a Clinton VS Trump battle, some people are turning now to the Libertarian party. CNN is actually going to host a town hall event for the Libertarian ticket once Trump leaves to go over sea’s for an event. Now upon hearing this some people got confused because they didn’t know just what the hell Libertarian means so we at College Humor just want to clear up a few things because below are a few things that people believe Libertarian is.

1- Isn’t it the name of the ape leader from Planet of the Apes the original one?

2-Its when a homeless guy lives in a library for months at a time without being discovered

3-Isn’t Libertarian a planet from Star Trek that had those reptile aliens that Kirk got into a fight with.

4-Is that just a spin off from Scientology?

5-Isn’t that the name of a science center telescope in Delaware.

6-Its not the name of an apartment complex built for tech people in San Fransisco.

7-Wasn’t that a question in my Algebra II class?

8- Something frat guys go through in order to pledge

9- Is that like soylet green? Made out of people or something?

10- Is it an illness where your not able to sleep due to constant leg movements in bed?

Just to make it clear because I thought this too Libertarian is a political party.

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Nick & Ben Play Ep1: TMNT Turtles in Time (SNES)

Nick Cutelli and Ben Dungan play an SNES classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Turtles in Time. www.cutellicomedy.com

Check out episode 1 of Nick and Ben Play  

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaZgStFwJY4

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Monday the 13th at 9PM tis show time baby!!!

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Space Alien’s pass on making first contact with Human Race due to drama

On Friday night NASA...yeah thats right their still around I believe tracked an incoming space craft that was on a direct course to Earth. Communication was quickly established and the Aliens known as the Zeptoids made it clear that they were on a mission to make first contact with the human race and pass along ward speed technology. NASA was pleased to hear about this mission of peace and gladly let the Zeptoids have access to the internet, so they could review the human race. Once the Zeptoids reviewed all the social media posts it was clear that working with humans could be difficult because they can never agree on anything. The Zeptoid’s told NASA that they were late for an meeting and also very tired from the trip. They quickly wrapped out of the milky way. 

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Man learns more about self on Buzzfeed, than he did with doctor of 32 years.

On Monday a man by the name of Get a. Life discovered that Buzzfeed was the key to learning all about his personality. He has spent millions if not billions of money working with experts to try and figure out things such as what type of Spanish meat is his personality or if he was a my little pony which one would he be and why. After decades of trying to figure it out Get a. Life stumbled upon Buzzfeed. There his stupid eyes were in fact open to the various tests and personality quiz’s, he learned more about himself in 20 minutes than he ever did working with a doctor.

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We will be performing at IO West on Monday the 13th @ 9PM. 

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Man ruins flag football game in hopes of making it to the NFL.

On Sunday night a man by the name of Larry Dumbass competed in a co-ed flag football and scored a total of 34 touchdowns alone. Larry a former Division 6 junior college football player got a chance to relive his football glory days.  Larry said his focus was on a five dollar trophy and a cheap one size fits all T Shirt that night. Also he hoped like every jack ass that ruins a flag football game because of small man syndrome that an NFL scout would be present to give his 36 year old loser ass a chance to get back in the game he loves so much.  

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Man uses snap chat as alternative to getting a nose job.

On Friday after in the town of who gives a shit USA. Larry was all set and ready to drop a couple of thousands of dollars on getting a new nose that resembled that of a tiger kitten. He said that over time he wanted to dedicate his life to becoming a kitten and eventually move in with an old 40 year old women who can’t get a date to save her life, so she fills the void with kittens. As he walked in he noticed that SNAP Chat now offered a new service that allowed adding additional features to ones face such as puppy ears, old man skin, tiger face, and so on. When he saw this he figured he would just use the tiger kitten feature and just never leave his house so no one could ever see him in person. Later it was discovered that the man had cut up his own face when SNAP chat created the illusion that laser beams were shooting out of his eyes. When ask to comment SNAP CHAT sent us a six second picture of a middle finger. 

Written by Nick Cutelli 

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