ah . the consequences of his actions . looking into femme's eyes and seeing the pain he inflicted is an exquisite form of torture , helpless to make it any better , i'm sorry like a bandaid over a bullet wound . virtually useless , but it's all he's got . " and all i've ever wanted was to be with you , one night ⎯⎯ one fuckin' awful night didn't change that . and i fuckin' know how crazy that sounds , but it's the honest to god truth . " the long distance was only a piece of it , really . their communication had been suffering , misunderstanding after misunderstanding that left him feeling isolated from his love not just in a physical sense , an emotional one too . opening up in hindsight is a vulnerable experience , acutely aware of how little own feelings matter when it was her heart on the line . hands fly up into the air , exasperation pumping through his veins like adrenaline . makes him feel itchy . dirty . arm crosses over his chest , palm flat against racing organ . " because if i don't say it now , i'll spend the rest of my fuckin' life wishin' i did . " couldn't sit idly by and feign indifference , couldn't ignore this chance the universe has laid across his feet to grovel and plead his case to the only woman who ever really mattered . features contort into a grimace . there's nothing worse than seeing her this upset . it permeates off of her , taking on a life of it's own and it makes him sick to his damn stomach . eyes shut tight , head hanging . " wish you could forget it too , " begins , " ⎯⎯ not for me , but ... 'cuz you never deserved it . none of it . you ... you did nothin' wrong . all you ever did was love me and i ⎯⎯ shit , i fucked it up so bad , didn't i ? " london pinches at the bridge of his nose , emotion pricking at the corners of his eyes . hearing how she can't stop picturing his infidelity doesn't help , homme mustering forth every ounce of self preservation to try and hold himself together . its in this moment , he realizes even if he earns her forgiveness , he'll never grant himself the same absolution . without a doubt , she'd fare better if he was out of the picture . if he could stay away . she'd thrive ; he fucking knew she would . but he can't . he's too fucking selfish , too in love to throw in the towel and accept that he's gone too far this time to ever get back to that place with jade that haunts him nightly in his dreams . he's always going to try , always going to try to win her back ⎯⎯ no matter the circumstances . she out - weighed every single option without needing to do a single damn thing . nearly wishes she's lying , that she doesn't love him anymore , because now he's got something to hold onto . hope . and he's got to cling to it like a dog does a bone . " yes , " answers simply , gaze fixed upward to meet her's through a lidded stare . " you can't tell me you don't love it . that it doesn't make you wet ⎯⎯ how i'd do any fuckin' thing for you ... " tip of his nose brushes against her stomach , optics glued to her's . savors every second of the way fingers card through unruly locks of blonde because he's been deprived of it for so long . her touch , and just how god damn electrifying it is . and the sickest part of it all , doesn't know if it'll be his last time experiencing it .
" the difference is i fuckin' know what it feels like to live without you ... i don't like it . " band was planning a hiatus after this tour anyway ⎯⎯ could follow her around the ends of the earth if she'd let him , just to prove to her that he's learned from past mistakes . would rather die than repeat them . " i know i don't deserve it . i don't . but the world put me here in front of you for a reason , and i gotta try . i'd be a fuckin' idiot not to try . "
