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August 16, 2019 12:40 AM

Some things have changed drastically since I last stopped by - with each word hanging at my finger tips waiting to be heard.

I often only find myself writing when times get too dark for that place inside my head although this time, I feel as though I am writing a journal entry for the first time as a new person.

Recently, there has been a cloud above me as we recently lost a family member. This has been a rough time but what is worse is realizing that this will not be the last time you see someone you love laying there. It felt like this was the wake up call I needed to grow up into the best version of myself because I am done wasting my time.

After this past month, I have made it this goal for myself to take care of my mom, my dad. My mom especially. If you didn’t know, I use to always write about her. This woman that hurt me, told me I was better off gone, who made me feel unloved. Unwanted. Now, I only ever want to give her everything she needs and wants.

It is disgusting for me to admit that I had to lose someone to mature. To put my feelings aside and take care of the woman that I knew I loved despite everything. I started changing all the things I disliked, into the things I liked. I started thinking of her as a 24/7 super mom rather than someone who just “yelled at me” only because she cared. My mom always put my brother before me.. I wish I knew what that felt like to be put first, but before I get to feel like that, I need her to know that I will solemnly swear to put her first always. I am happy I have this support from my dad and everyone that knows me.

This period during this time has also taught me that I am not a fan of a lot of people. After a certain age, a lot of the time it isn’t a mistake or misunderstanding to do certain things anymore. It’s their character and I am just not into it. You come to find not many people have the same mind set or heart as you do and everyone is always thinking for themselves only, but we get better not bitter. And I will always be better than you. Haha good night xx

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