Will I ever be small?
No, I'll never be small. Standing at 5'9, 280lbs (god knows if I'm more im mortified for mondays weigh in), I have gained ALL the weight I spent damn near 3 years losing. Got in a relationship, and gained 80lbs right back. I have no sense of control its miserable. I want to loose weight so badly, but do i really want too? If i really wanted to i would yet, even though ive got a life again, I just dont seem to be losing weight like i did the last time. is it age? is it my diet? (probably that). I feel like last time I just kept myself busy, and that's what ive done the last four months and I've GAINED weight.
I just keep eating like food is all i have to live for. it controls me, it runs me, my thoughts, my sleep, everything. When's my next meal? When can i snack? I shouldn't snack. I shouldn't eat that. God, I want to eat that so bad, but I probably shouldn't. today, i wont eat. im not even hungry im just bored. wow im doing so good having not eaten anything today! okay why did i even just eat that. fine ill eat this, might as well. Ill never fucking learn. its the same thing over and over.
I dont know how my boyfriend does it. how does he look at me and still love me when all i see is a corpse of what i once was. the body i took for granted, the body that was almost close to skinny, that just tasted a lick of skinny after spending 18 years overweight for majority of her life.
Im tall, so if i get skinny, will i even be small? not compared to my boyfriend. i dont know what to do.
I do know what to do actually, i just have to get my fat ass up and start working out probably. ughhhhh. I hate doing thigns i dont want to do but i want to do this, i need to do this. if not for me, for him. for my future.
my brain :
50% = thinking about food
40% = thinking about my body and how fat i look
10% = being moritfiied to go in public because not only am i a drop out, but everyone will notice how ive gotten even fatter and loose all faith they had in me when i was loosing weight
hahahahaha...
