Cyan Dreams in Words

Blog dedicated to my fanfics over on Ao3 under DJRocks

[cyandreamsinwords]

Will we ever see some flashbacks of Lyra and Sirius when she was a baby? It would be so cute and we also would be able to torture ourselves knowing that they didn’t get to be together while she was growing up!

Funnily enough, I do have some plans for something similar to that. Unfortunately y’all aren’t going to see it for a while 😂

[cyandreamsinwords]

Nope cus I loved your takes! I think the way you portrayed the women in the Black women and the way they were portrayed in the books is something. Yk we see Walburga as someone who hates Sirius and who Sirius hates. But Kreacher keeps saying he broke her heart; which I think did happen from Walburga's view and not from Sirius', similar to when Lyra and Narcissa fought. Sirius was rebellious and didn't behave the way his mother wanted, his mother who wanted obedient children who would heed her every wish. While I don’t think physical abuse wasn't there, emotional abuse was def there like the case of Lyra and Narcissa. THE PARALLELS!!!!!!!(i scream as they drag me to the white padded room). The way Sirius spoke abt his family to Lyra is interesting, cus in OOTP when speaking to Harry, Harry mentions how come he never mentioned Bellatrix was his cousin and Sirius replies that it doesn't matter and he hates the whole lot of them, not a good thing said. While speaking abt Narcissa almost wistfully to Lyra, he surely makes it sound like "yes those days were beautiful and one can miss it but I never want to return back to those same people who I resent for treating me terribly". Im currently thinking abt the angst we can have if Sirius dies, cus, like, im a pro at self torturing since i love me some angst. and if he does, i will be manifesting that Lyra doesn't stay with those people and stays with the Tonkses

Just know you're not alone in that padded room, I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!!! We can keep one another company, lol

I feel like Walburga definitely did have a broken heart, it's just that she's also a terrible person who didn't love her son for the person he was so that's hard for Sirius to believe. I see her as growing up being sold this story about getting married, having kids, serving the House of Black, living "proper", and then she lives that and things go wrong at every turn. If your sole purpose is to serve the family, and then you lose all of your family--yeah, I think even stone cold hearts might break. That doesn't erase the way she abused Sirius, though. And for this story, Walburga does primarily use physical abuse on Sirius until the tail end of their relationship, then she's so at the end of her rope with her son that there were a handful of times she did actually strike him. Her power over him was in her words, so that's the tool she uses the most against him. I have to think that a family that is so obsessed with itself to the point of INBREEDING has to be absolutely crazy when it comes to maintaining said family, which is why they keep churning out these people who act so much like one another, and thus why Walburga and Narcissa end up raising Sirius and Lyra in such similar ways.

In my head, Narcissa and Sirius had a similar-ish relationship in their youth to what Narcissa and Lyra have, only without Narcissa having any sort of real power of Sirius, which made it far less controlling. I see her as someone who enjoys the concept of being nurturing and taking care of her family, and thus enjoyed looking after her little cousins and babying them. But Once things get hard and the shine wears off, it's no longer fun for her, it becomes work. The history I have for these two in this fic is that Narcissa was very loving and sweet towards Sirius (and Regulus as well), up until the point Sirius starts acting out, and while she played mediator for a little while hoping to get things back to normal thinking it was just him being a bratty teen, once it was clear they stood on opposite sides of a war, she stopped seeing him as her little baby cousin and instead saw him as a threat to their family as well as the one she married into. So she tossed him away, thinking she had family enough to spare (Only for Regulus to die and Andy to marry a muggleborn and Bellatrix to get locked up). Had she thought she could get him back the way she wanted him, she would have.

And for Sirius, as big of a game as he talks, he still remembers a time when Narcissa cared and looked out for him, and while logically he knows that love was conditional and not worth fighting for, he still misses it for what he thought it was, especially as a child not receiving a lot of care from his own mother. It's like having a relative who you have all these good memories of as a child and then once you grow up you realize they're actually not very good people at all. The way they made you feel cared for in those memories don't change, you may still miss who you thought they were, but that doesn't mean you want to go back to it now knowing what you know.

He's able to say this to Lyra, because not only does he feel like his daughter needs this sort of vulnerability from him in this moment, but it's also easier to admit to knowing she's in a similar situation and isn't going to judge him for it. I imagine Sirius as the sort of guy who feels the need to "prove" to his friends he's nothing like his family and won't ever backslide, because "Hey, I don't even like any of those guys!" And Harry's basically a mini James to him, so he immediately defaults to that sort of response when they start talking about it, which he does believe a lot of what he says, he just feels the need to be callous about it. And it's easier for him mentally to believe the lie of not having any love in his heart for them, as you can't miss what you hate. (Lyra inherits her ability to gaslight herself from her daddy).

And side note, I just don't see Sirius as ever having a good relationship with Bellatrix, lol! I imagine she was a cruel kid who became an even crueler teen, who became an everloving monster as an adult. She ruthlessly murders her cousin in the books and goes singing down the halls about it. Some people are just plain evil people, and that's kinda how I see Bellatrix, haha!

[cyandreamsinwords]

Was rereading the GOF arc and meanwhile we can't just decide whether narcissa loves lyra or does not (it's not just that easy i think, it's not completely innocent nor completely evil iykwim), there's some realization that dawns on you abt narcissa being an absolute control freak. Like she talks big about family and how she loves them yet she can't see her suffering because of her own doings.

She is used to having what she wants all the time so i think it becomes too overwhelming when lyra doesn't want to act like how narcissa wants her to act, and that causes her to condition her affections towards her until lyra gives up because of her inner turmoil of wanting to feel love and starts giving in to her wishes, then she acts all soft and loving towards her. I dont like it tbh (narcissa and the malfoys in this fic makes me want to pull my hair out everytime there's a scene w them or just a single mention). But that js highlights how good of an author u are since ur able to make me dislike some characters even more than I do their canon versions!

Oh man, I love yapping about this—

Narcissa does love Lyra, but she specifically loves the version of her that is obedient and well behaved. Which worked out great the first few years she lived with the Malfoys because she was so desperate for affection, she would try her best to please her aunt. You 1000% nailed it on the head though, Narcissa is a control freak, she wants things her way. And it’s why their relationship isn’t standing the test, because Lyra started doing her own thing and has stopped looking to her aunt for direction. 

I also try to write both Narcissa and Walburga as having some (mostly self-inflicted) trauma of losing several members of their family in quick succession and wanting desperately to hold onto what’s left. Bellatrix is imprisoned, Regulus disappears, and they consider Andromeda and Sirius as “lost” because they left the family. I imagine that the woman of the Black family received the most pressure to make sure everyone was conforming and that the family reputation/line was well maintained, and Narcissa took that to heart. I try to write Narcissa as this sort of “family manager”, lol, a person who keeps everyone connected, organizes get togethers/events, tells people where to be and when, keeps things running (at least as they see it). Only now she’s a family manager with half the family she once had. So when Lyra comes into the picture, she sees her as a way to restore her family and a second chance of making sure things go “right” this time. In her mind, Lyra is this poor thing that needs her and Narcissa is so full of herself that she thinks she won't make the same mistakes as those before her, even though she's behaving the exact same way. That’s why she has such visceral reactions to Lyra fighting and disobeying her, and why she went to such lengths to get custody. 

As for inspiration: There’s this incredible Tik Toker, redrainofroeses, who did these skits playing Narcissa’s mother, Druella, who I was very inspired by when I started writing BoaWT. Her videos are a whole vibe, she played Druella as this vicious yet also almost sympathetic character that I really liked. So, it's her version of Druella that I keep in mind when thinking about Narcissa and what parenting styles she may have inherited from her own mother. Here’s a link to one of her skits that really captures the essence:

Bellatrix Black, the eldest who couldn't do anything right... #druellablack #bellatrixblack #bellatrixlestrange #noblehouseofblack #harrypotter

[cyandreamsinwords]

I just finished the latest chapter and I wanted to say thank you for your work. This is honestly one of the best Harry Potter fanfictions I've read. The characters, plot, and world-building have kept me hooked from beginning to end.I really appreciate the time and effort you put into writing this story. Please don't stop writing i can't wait to see what happens next. Thank you again for sharing your work with us!

Thank you for reading of it! It still amazes me that people like this jumbled mess of words that came out of my head ❤️ It's kind, sweet messages like this that have encouraged me to keep going, so thank you!

[cyandreamsinwords]

The Burning of a Withered Tree - Chapter 85 - DJRocks - Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling [Archive of Our Own]

She nodded, feeling that lump in her throat again. “Yeah, it’s not easy.” Kit had gotten away with being quiet for so long throughout dinner because Lyra herself had been pretty quiet. It hadn’t been easy to sit there and eat and not think about the person missing across the room at the Hufflepuff table. Especially when there was a noticeable gap along one of the benches besides Mattie and Fallon that no one was allowed to occupy. The only thing that sat there was an empty plate waiting to be filled.

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The school year has begun, making some issues impossible to ignore any longer.

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Words: 8.3k

[cyandreamsinwords]

I think India Eisley would be good as a face claim for Lyra! With the big eyes too

THE VISION IS VISIONING

[cyandreamsinwords]

Sneak Peek: Order of the Phoenix — Chapter Fifteen

Link to main fic here

The ugly tangle of feelings is what woke him early, everyone else in their dorm still fast asleep and taking their remaining precious moments before classes. He took advantage of a sleeping Ron to get up and get dressed, running down to breakfast before most of the school was even awake.

He was exhausted, face nearly falling into his eggs as he rubbed at his eyes tiredly, glasses pushed up into his hair so he could do so. As he chewed, he debated what he should do about his friends, and whether or not he really was as upset as he thought he was. When they dropped back into place and the world came into focus, he spotted Lyra sitting across the hall at the Slytherin table, eating her own breakfast alone, and smiling at him.

His mood took an immediate upturn, and he waved a bit dopeily at her, forgetting what he’d been debating. She motioned to her plate, mouthing the words ‘nearly finished?’, and he nodded, shoving the remaining bites into his mouth a tad bit savagely. She grimaced, rolling her eyes, and finished her own plate in a far more civilized manner.

“Did you even taste any of that?” she asked as they met up at the front of the hall.

“They’re just eggs. They rarely change taste.” He held the door open for the both of them, and they set out to wonder a bit before the start of classes.

[cyandreamsinwords]

The Burning of a Withered Tree - Chapter 84 - DJRocks - Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling [Archive of Our Own]

What was her father doing at the station?

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The journey to Hogwarts ends up being a little more eventful than originally planned.

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Words: 8.9k

[fairycosmos]

sorry for my spelling errors btw. it happens when youre a passionate woman

[cyandreamsinwords]

This is such an embarrassing question but for the life of me I can't remember why Lyra wears gloves and why her hands were scarred. I've searched through past chapters and everything but a little hint please 😭😭🙏🙏

Haha, don’t be embarrassed! It took me a minute to go find the chapters myself. So a quick refresher on the hand:

Lyra has burn scars on her hand from the two times Lucius burned her. The first time happens in chapter 39, as a sort of “quick” way to remind her to behave herself (she’d been arguing with Narcissa and drinking with Draco around this time). The second one she received in chapter 57, when Lucius was interrogating her, thinking Harry might have told her something about what’s going, as signs of Voldemort returning were starting to pop up. She wears gloves because she (*ahem* is dumb) feels the need to manage people’s feelings and behaviors, and doesn’t want anyone to see the scarring and become upset enough to do something on her behalf. She is fully convinced Sirius would go and kill her uncle for it, and doesn’t want him to catch a charge for a murder he actually did commit, lol. She also feels she needs to keep the scar as a reminder to herself to stop making such stupid decisions like trusting the Malfoys, and if the people in her life know about it they’ll force her to take care of it. It’s major self flagellation, girly has issues, but she is slowly coming to the realization that she should tell someone about them.

[cyandreamsinwords]

okay so olivia rodrigo’s new song honeybee is so harry and lyra

Oh my gooooooooddddd…

“And it feels likе God threw me a bone

Sticky sweet, tangerine

Would you sit and keep me company?

In the dark, I'm not scared

I just reach and you're right there

Shooting stars, racing cars

Everything I own just feels like ours”

[cyandreamsinwords]

Sneak Peek: Order of the Phoenix — Chapter Fourteen

Link to main fic here

Harry was about to follow Ginny, thinking about how odd the girl inside looked with her surprised eyebrows and butterbeer cap necklace, when he was assaulted, tiny—but mighty strong—arms reaching around him and nearly knocking him off his feet.

“Hi Harry!” Marie Fawley said, giving him a tight squeeze around his middle.

“Uhg, Marie, what’d I tell you about touching wild animals?” Kitrinia Howatt said with a disgusted scoff, following up behind her with crossed arms. “It’s unhygienic, you’re going to catch a disease.”

Harry flipped her a rude gesture she returned with shocking quickness. His hand dropped into a hesitant pat on the smaller girl’s back. “Hi Maire.”

“How was everything?” Marie asked, her voice dropping to a low whisper. “I didn’t get to speak much with Lyra before we met back up with her aunt and uncle. How was…you know?”

“Uh, it was good. A good time.” He cast a look towards Neville, who had trudged inside the compartment and was putting his trunk away.

Marie beamed happily at him. Kit looked off to the side, pretending not to listen, though it was obvious she had one ear open to their conversation. “I’m happy to hear it. She seemed to have enjoyed herself, at least from what she was able to tell me. I bet it’s exciting, being in the middle of all that.”

“Boring, actually. I’m not really involved. None of us are.”

Ginny peeked her head out to call him in, her face going wide with surprise when she saw who he was with. “Kit!”

“Gin.” It always sent a shiver down Harry’s spine when Kitrina’s voice switched to something warm and fond from the one she used on him. She drew Ginny into a hug, the two sharing some soft words and giggles before pulling apart.

“Come on, there isn’t really anywhere else to sit, we’ve checked.” Ginny’s hand grabbed Kitrina’s to keep her from drifting off.

[cyandreamsinwords]

Why’s everyone asking me not to kill Sirius again all of a sudden????

[cyandreamsinwords]

The Burning of a Withered Tree - Chapter 83 - DJRocks - Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling [Archive of Our Own]

Her father’s face fell just the slightest. “Soon you’ll be gone away back at school, you won’t be here to worry whether we have silverware or not.” Lyra did not appreciate being reminded. Of course she knew the summer was drawing to a close, but it’d crept up faster than she’d expected. And against the odds, she was starting to wish that she didn’t have to leave the house—more specifically the people in it.

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As summer draws to a close, Lyra has some reservations about returning to Hogwarts. 

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Words: 10k

[cyandreamsinwords]

Sneak Peek: Order of the Phoenix — Chapter Thirteen

Link to main fic here

“The short dirty one has been putting spoons in his pockets.”

Lyra signed heavily, having gotten used to Kreacher appearing behind her suddenly and without warning, spewing nasty mean things about whatever was bothering him at the time. “Look, calling them short and dirty is not a real description of anyone, because you find everyone here to be dirty and there are plenty of—” She paused, what he said finally registering. She shut her book, turning to face him. “He’s stuffing spoons in his pockets?”

Kreacher nodded rapidly, happy to have caught her attention. “Stealing. Dirty, sticky fingers, taking Kreacher’s mistress’ cutlery. Leaving with them, pockets heavy. They don’t belong to him—he doesn’t belong here. He’s nothing but a thief—”

“Who?”

“The short dirty one, in the kitchen—”

“He’s here now?” Kreacher’s head bobbed. “Would you please take me to him?” Lyra was up and out of her chair, already suspecting she knew exactly who the house elf was talking about. He was happy to lead her, happiest she’d seen him yet, actually, just about running to the offender.

[cyandreamsinwords]

Hello, I hope you're doing well. :) I just wanted to say that I loved the new chapter. It looks like they're going to/ I hope they find out about Lyra's hand - even if she hates it and if she lies/denies it until the very end. I get that healing from trauma isn't linear and in her case, she doesn't really believe or maybe doesn't get how bad people were to her. I hope people finally just try asking the questions and I hope they don't believe that everything is fine. I think you've written this very realistically and it's like being in the story - this is one of the thing I really like it. :)

Btw, I l o v e d the almost dancing scene. I hope they dance together before they return to school, it would be so sweet!

And btw, I've asked in the past if you would create a scene with this specific shadow dance (I forgot what it was called) and you did!! Thank you so much, I LOVED that as well. And now I cam finally imagine what it looks like (it sounds really interesting).

Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️✨️

Ahhh! You’re actually the one who saved the dancing scene, because I almost ended up cutting it! But then I remembered being asked if there’d ever be a scene actually showing silhouette dancing, and decided it had to stay 😊 so anyone who enjoyed that scene has you to thank!

And as for Lyra’s hand—she just about brought it up before the wrong secret came out, lol! If only she hadn’t been derailed and lost her nerve. But also Lyra’s so avoidant, and healing takes a lot of hard, intentional work. She’s got a lot of shame tied up in her abuse that makes it hard for her to talk about because to her certain parts of it feels like admitting to a mistake she’s made as opposed to exposing others’ bad behaviors. She’s also extremely controlling of other peoples reactions, so a lot of factors work against her best interest here. But not a lot of secrets stay secrets forever in this series, especially not when you’re doing weird things like wearing gloves all over the place. People pick up on those sorts of things after a while, lol!

So glad you enjoyed this chapter so much — and thank you for saving the dance scene!

[cyandreamsinwords]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Lyra’s mouth flapped open and closed like a fish, head spinning still as she was forced to stop the spiral. “...I forgot to mention.” They shared another concerned look. “Forgot to mention what?”

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She doesn't intent to push the limits of the trust people have in her, that she can do without even trying. For all that she'd learned, one would think Lyra would be better at this by now.

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Words: 9.3k