Black Wholesomeness

Trying to keep you in containment without losing myself...

[cyanidear]

I'm sorry I didn't see you for such a long time in my conscious lived experience, I truly am sorry about that. If you must know, I was too scared to look bcz I knew if I saw you the way I see you now, it would be irreversible and would cause a cataclysmic change and I wasn't wrong. Remember multiversal offset? That's how big it's changed things in my existence. It's been nuclear ripples and has made me rethink almost everything I've known about this existence. But regardless, I'm sorry, I'm late and I'm here now. I see you. I always did even if only in an unconscious level, I always did!

[cyanidear]

Dear Felix, Sometimes I just want to say it and see your face and how you take it, y'know? I mean you already obviously know what I am talking about. But, god, we're never gonna say it ever, are we? Hey, whoever said there is no joy in this perpetual dance of almost saying it? Gosh, it is frustrating as fuck sometimes. But I am going to be content or at least try with every fiber of my being to make peace with the fact that this is all we'll ever be and hey there is a lot of fun in this oscillating fantasy, don't get me wrong. There is a certain beauty in almosts, well, in some angles at least or that's what I am trying to tell myself to not die in this insanity. And now I am writing letters for the whole world to see except you, wonderful, lol, alright enough internet today. I miss you, you fucking idiot. - 💀

[cyanidear]

Dear Felix,

I love you is an understatement. Is it an obsession? Highly likely, sure. The longing bit is a bit of a drag bcz, well, negative emotion, not the best feeling. But it's these lows that makes the highs worth the highs, yeah, yeah, yin yang and all that stuff. Its eerie, that I know you feel the same way and you probably know that something's rocking my boat too although idk how much you know bcz I have made sure to hide it pretty well, or did I? Well, clearly we have a hidden pact to never say it outright bcz we're scared of this shit. Well, atleast we are in sync in hiding even if we obviously know. Its funny, but hey its making life more interesting, no? Thank you for staying in my orbit and making it less lonely. You are the best! - 💀

[cyanidear]

Destruction

A piece of me will always be with a piece of you, Deeply entangled on quantum levels, Enough to ripple through my cellular structures, And break through the barriers of bone and muscle, Crashing through my sentience, And making me wonder if this goes beyond All of what I have ever known; As I lose myself to this cosmic waltz, Beyond space and time, Almost forgetting this reality, Where we pretend to not know And act like if we ever said this, Somehow we'll combust in flames!

[cyanidear]

Another timeline? Maybe? Maybe another million timelines? I am trying to make sense of this intensity; Is it all just basic neurochemical biology and psychology or is it more cosmic or is it both? Fuck, never mind. All this intensity and push and pull, yet no real resolution. Maybe that's what this timeline is? Probably?

[cyanidear]

You good sire are thought consuming extensively, albeit unintentionally, I must say. I don't know if I should be ecstatic that my brain finally is dopamining because of your thoughts or if I should be terrified of a potential addiction? Chaos of being, well, at the very least, I am anything but grateful to you for it! - 💀

[cyanidear]

Collapse

Dear Felix,

I've tried my best to stay away from you. But I can't fight a storm now, can I? Everything in me and outside me, dragging me toward you. What's a mere mortal gonna do if everything is stacked to get me there? And it's not just intense feelings, sure that's a big part. But everything else too. Your feelings, the timing, the place, the circumstances. How can I fight it all? I'm not invincible, I'm crumbling fast and slow deep into whatever this is. I can't be saved anyhow, not right now, I don't think. Do I even want to be saved or have I even lost that desire now? Dammit, the storm hath taken over. Lord have mercy! - 💀

[cyanidear]

Well, I don't think we are escaping this ever, are we? I guess you tried to keep me away and I know I have terribly tried; How do we stand against a pull this intense? Its broken through all the fucking layers we've built, Smashing through every crevice; And now I guess we either fight and eventually surrender? Or embrace it and enjoy the chaos? We've already tried the former in all honesty; So what choice this time, love? I'm down for whatever you are! - 💀

[cyanidear]

Time for an astronomy lesson dear you, Have you heard of binary neutron stars? Turns out they orbit around each other as long as they exist; And if they merge, turns out, it ends up being cataclysmic! So they don't get too near because of that intensity; But never fail to influence each other And are constantly dancing around each other; I don't know what that tells you But that sounds awfully similar to us to me!

[cyanidear]

This yearning pangs And chemically overrides my being; How do you make it seem so easy? Are you not clenching your brain Not to text me?

[cyanidear]

Miss you

Do you miss me like I do you? Fuck, I wonder what you're doing now; Writing bullshit like this in another secret blog, That no one will ever see? I hope you see this; But I will also combust and just die if you did. Fuck, why can't we just say it to each other?

[cyanidear]

CyaNide

An invisible undercurrent - Yet bright as daylight, only to us, Going through a prismal glass, Blowing the mind in fractals, As we waltz on the ring Of this black hole of yearning; Deliriously hoping we don't shred, Whilst knowing that we may as well be dead; Primal that fear, yet easily forgotten, When the colours splatter Into a bittersweet psychedelic fire... - 💀

[cyanidear]

Dear Felix, I wonder what you are to me - Not a lover, no; Not a platonic friend, god no, even if I truly thought you once were; A cosmic dance partner, I like that; Waltzing together on the ring of a blackhole As we disintegrate; I can live with that! 💀

[cyanidear]

Dear Felix, Is this pull intense for you also or is it just me? I am starting to believe in irrational things. What on earth? Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Confused, 💀

[cyanidear]

Dear Felix, Can you please stop haunting my dreams and my drugged liminal states? Breathtaking as they are, I have reality to deal with and you aren't as real now, are you? At least, not in a tangible way for me to kiss you now and how long do you expect me to only kiss you in simulations? Dopamined, 💀