no one ever prepares you to lose a father the half of my dna that I was furthest from. i thought, with the strongest conviction, i had already waded the depths of losing you, a parent still alive, choosing to be absent but when news broke that you had passed on from this earthly realm, my world still spun, brain convinced we had already survived his abandon but when the silence washed over me with a blanket covering my shoulders, my face, my heart, my abandon, it smothered me with a towel, rainstorming down, soaking it all in, waterboarding the truth out of me: i needed you. i missed you. i wanted us back: urban camping, late night clinic rounds, movies, and even, the waiting. God came down and moved through a thief to steal my phone to get me back to you for a glimpse, i got to experience the love you have for me the love i have for you. i think in that moment, we both knew how much we loved each other still do. i love you. i miss you. i grieved you and i'll continue to. i hope you're resting easy and that the casinos up there are only cashing out jackpots.
