this one's for you.

[cyju]

So where am I now? My days aren’t filled with sadness anymore, but the feeling is extremely familiar. It’s like, I’m no longer consumed by it, but it’s still something that is very close by. It almost feels like the sadness is right by my side, I’m just choosing to ignore it because there are so many other things, better things, to pay attention to now. I have had time to kind of digest the break up and look at it from a logical perspective. It’s hard to deal with anything when your feelings are involved. I understand why I was so sad, and I understand why I am no longer sad. I really fell in love. Head over heels fucking in love. I submerged myself into another person to the point where I didn’t care about myself as long as he was with me. I really really really fell in love but no matter how hard we tried, it didn’t work. Now that i’m looking at our relationship from the outside, it makes perfect sense why it didn’t work out. It gives me peace knowing that I tried my best, that I gave my 200%. Through the break up, I learned my worth. I learned what it meant to put my happiness first. It was almost as if I didn’t care to be happy, as long as he was happy. But the thing I didn’t know at the time was that I was the reason why he was unhappy. Letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I did it. You know, there’s a lot of things I had to do this year that were hard. But I fucking did it. 2018 really beat me up. It really did. I feel burnt out and tired. I feel a bit under appreciated. I feel like I accomplished a lot but I don’t really feel accomplished. Not right now at least. I do feel like I gave everything I had. These really are the days that I was looking forward to. Time just flies by when you’re busy, you forget to experience it. I think my new years resolution for 2019 will be to write more. It’s been 7 months since the break up. I didn’t even think I would be alive by now. It really felt like the sadness was going to kill me. It’s insane how strong feelings can get and how much they can affect you. It’s kind of scary how something that you can’t even see or touch can control your mind and your actions. But I am no longer sad, and just because of that, I feel better. Just knowing that I got through the past 7 months makes me feel better. I know I’m strong and I know i’m capable. I’m ready to give myself a break. Mentally exhausted. Financially exhausted. Emotionally very exhausted. Always physically exhausted. 2018 was hard. But I made it. 

[cyju]

the saddness has now mellowed out to this annoying dull pain. 

being with you would be taking the easy way out. it would be me sticking with the familiar and staying put. but i promised myself that i would take more chances and get out of my comfort zone. so far, doing that has brought me nothing but positive experiences and memories. i’ve grown a lot as a person and i continue to grow whenever i make good decisions. decisions that are scary at first, but only at first. i think being sad like this is a part of life. sometimes there’s no grater reason to why you’re sad other than a superficial break up with a not-so-significant other. life fucking goes on. you just need to be patient. “trust the process” as they say these days lmao. how lame. i told myself i would choose things that help me grow as a person. so i’m going to continue to stay strong. for me. 

[cyju]

it feels like you’re going to cry yourself to sleep every night. but you know how these things works. you know all you need is time. time heals everything. but right now it really feels like you’re going to be sad forever. 

[smokingsomethingwithrihanna]

[beeishappy]

[thahalfrican]

[instacelebs]

[y3]

3 Years Later

[chdtylr]

[cyju]

LOOOOOL

[1000drawings]

[cyju]

why do so many (31 to be exact) porn tumblrs follow me now??????? did I accidentally press something?????

[cyju]

There’s a lot of things I don’t know how to do anymore.

I don’t know how to put together a cute outfit. I have forgotten all sense of fashion, seriously. These days you will see me in yoga pants, jeans, a vneck tshirt, a big tshirt, or in a bra and sweater. As I scroll through instagram and look at what girls are wearing these days, all I can think is “holy shit this fucking piece of string looks so cute on her how did this become a thing???”.

I don’t know how to be productive. Yeah that sounds pretty bad. My days are long as hell and i’m usually occupied doing something, and by “doing something” what I really mean is i’m either at work, driving, eating, or getting ready for bed. Yup, that’s about it. My whole day consists of working and driving from one place to another. By the time i’m done doing all the things i’ve listed above, it’s usually time to go to bed. It sucks. I’m always tired and I constantly find myself asking the question “y r u tired, u haven’t done shit”. Because my days are filled with doing nothing and yet still being exhausted at the end of the day, it hinders me from waking up early to get actual responsibilities done. For example, I need a permit to park on my street and I need to go to city hall to get it. City hall is a 1 min drive from my house and yet I still cannot wake up early enough to go get the motherfucking permit. I also need to go grocery shopping in order to save some money but no, my tired ass would rather pick something up to-go on the way home. To put it short, i’m becoming lazy and I hate running errands.

I don’t know how to pray anymore. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t fall asleep without chatting with God. Now when I try to pray, I have no words. Conversation is so short.

I don’t know how to be neat. My room is a mess lol.

[cyju]

Fall '16 cabinet :') plus Ai-Vy lol

[cyju]

So they're kind of cool. :') (at Paper Plane)

[cyju]

Congratulations for getting installed lil sis!! I hope you enjoy all your gifts from last night ☺️ I can't wait to be active with you this fall. Love you lil. 💖 (at Crowne Plaza San Jose-Silicon Valley)

[kimbeyerjohnson]

[ehquzoanteelweovadoza]

[cyju]

Sorry I missed your mouth and got cotton candy on your face. 🙂 (at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk)