Life In Mosaic

[cynthiakrauss01]

Hi, mamant! Today, I am remembering the last days I was stroking your hair…

Your eyelashes were crumpled together;

the shape of your face changed;

and your eyes wouldn’t open.

That was the quiet you I didn’t ever know in my life…your voice was gone.

I don’t remember if I saw any tears, but maybe it was because your mind was too busy.

I just wanted to say that I’m doing ok down here… quietly getting by each day.

Some days are still hard…

yes… some days are very hard because I’m still learning to scoop myself up from the pit of regrets and what ifs.

But, I’m quietly getting by with whatever silent strength I have - one little step forward each day.

I thought I’d let you know.

I hope you’re good… are you good?

[cynthiakrauss01]

Yesterday, I was able to close the front door and stayed alone in my silence… I haven’t been able to since you left. I felt like I needed to hear some kind of noises in the background.

Today, we are celebrating you despite a day early in the North but of course, it is on-time where you are. We had a seat for you at Wolf at Nordstrom.

We ordered Tagliatelle with Braised Beef Ragu and Ribeye with Tuscan Butter and French Fries. Apologies, the French fries were not from McDonald’s, but they paired much better with the medium rare steak the way you liked it.

The staff were all very professional and wonderful. They gave us Milk Chocolate Budino for dessert with a candle on top.

We sang for you and we hoped you enjoyed sitting across from us for a little bit today, doing what you loved most — EATING GOOD FOOD.

We even bought wine for you on our way home. It’s uncorked!

Happy Birthday, Gramma… Happy Birthday, mamant! You would have been 78. We hope you celebrate up there for the whole weekend!

[cynthiakrauss01]

So, when we were in the skies heading home, I tried looking for you…

but I think you were asleep among the clouds.

Let me tell you… grief is so strange. It makes you stand still while the world keeps on turning…

In this grief, my heart shrinks and I’m afraid that I might forget the version of me before this.

I wasn’t perfect with you; I never was.

We didn’t speak much, but somehow I felt comforted knowing you existed, even though you were miles and miles away.

Since you were gone, there is this space I have been trying to fit into the new shape of my heart.

That space is like a loose puzzle…

a puzzle in which I store all my images and memories of you!

I am hoping that one day, all of these would bring me smiles.

I’ll wait. I will wait.

For now, I will search for your face in my sorrow.

[cynthiakrauss01]

This suitcase was supposed to travel to you this year before making its way to the land of the rising sun. It’s going somewhere else instead. Hop on if you like…

You’ll see different parts of this country for a little bit.

Let’s go see the Golden Coastline and visit the Rockies with us!

You can fly!

I’ll look out for you in the skies…

and maybe when it’s time to say goodbye again, you can try to take some of the heaviness of my burdens away.

I love you today.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I couldn’t see you in my dreams but -

I woke up with your last breaths in my mind…

They were short as you gasped for air once more before your jaw dropped- not in awe but to let the world know you were no longer.

My sorrow continues as I walk ever so slowly to tomorrows.

You are in my thoughts, in my mourning, in my plans…

Yes, in my plans to sit with you to celebrate your life when you would have been another year older.

I really miss you today and I wish I could eat one more dinner with you…

And…and… hear your gossips and laugh because they were funny.

You were funny!

We need to eat something! I made a reservation for your birthday meal. You will love it!

[cynthiakrauss01]

Hi, mamant…

I’m thinking of you today…

Are you settled in?

Did you ask anyone what dinner would be?

Have you been cooking a lot?

I’m down here; consumed by grief.

I don’t know how to get out of it to be honest.

When I thought I was finally able to come up for air, the rogue waves would come fencing me in again…

and I don’t think I want to share these burdens… I’d rather carry them myself until I can unload some off - at some point.

Today, I feel the need to close the blinds of all the windows but I’m afraid of the dark at the same time…

What am I supposed to do?

Just keep going, I guess…

maybe, one day, I will see pictures of happy you again in my mind.

That’s my today.

[cynthiakrauss01]

Hi mamant…

You know… I memorized my goodbyes to you.

Nobody knows this, but I recorded everything in my mind…

your bloated hands…

your oxygen tank…

and, at some point, I know you wanted to sit straight on your back.

I would have let you do that, believe me!

I think you saw something… someone…

But, for some reason, you were not allowed to…

I didn’t contest…

Who did you see?

Someday, in the future, when I am ready to forgive myself, I would like to see you in my dreams.

I would like to hear about your heartaches and disappointments…

Maybe, that would give me a little comfort knowing that you are in a much better living space;

that your heart no longer aches and your soul is floating free in the air…

Not today, though…

I’m not ready.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I saw The Sheep Detectives today.

There was a shepherd -

the carer of all the sheep and lambs and rams.

He named each of them…

He read them stories and talked to them.

He was on his own, living on a huge green pastures, under a big blue sky…

He was an honest man. A shepherd.

He was alone -

but never lonely.

He invested all his love in his flock and one love so big until she became a cloud above his head…

…there is no room for anyone after that.

Such love…

Peaceful…

Undisturbed…

Such love…

If only…

[cynthiakrauss01]

And my heart is so overwhelmed today…

It’s the sadness I knew since March of this year.

I guess that’s how one would grieve a loss…

Today, I see pictures that your good friends found in your room!

I forgot how you looked many years ago…

You were pretty! I think I have your eyes…what do you think?

Oh how I wish I could go back to those Saturdays when I could find your messages when I didn’t call…

I miss you, you know!

Do you think it would help me if I wore the ring you gave me two years ago? It’s pretty… it’s pretty - just like you were.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I took the chance to have the ultimate joy in life when I prayed and asked God for you.

But at the same time, I started to prepare myself for the one day that my heart will not be able to bear the sadness that may come.

That day is the day you will no longer need me and your voice will be a distant echo in the room…

that day is the day you will let my hand go to venture out and spread your wings so wide.

For now, I will take what I am given…

a whole you with ketchup, mayo and mustard. I love you with all the days I have on earth.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I took the chance to have the ultimate joy in life when I prayed and asked God for you.

But at the same time, I started to prepare myself for the one day that my heart will not be able to bear the sadness that may come.

That day is the day you will no longer need me and your voice will be a distant echo in the room…

that day is the day you will let my hand go to venture out and spread your wings so wide.

For now, I will take what I am given…

a whole you with ketchup, mayo and mustard.

I love you with all the days I have on earth.

[cynthiakrauss01]

Our relationship was complicated…

It wasn’t always the best, I have to say.

But, you were always there; in front, or in the background.

You never had a proper love you deserved…

Your heart was broken several times but I don’t think you even knew you were brokenhearted…you just took it as it was and moved on.

I think I am more like you on how I handle my heartbreak…I don’t like this!

By the way, if I could, I would like to live in your heart for a bit.

I want to read all the prayers you cited, the sadness you felt and wishes you had in your dreams.

And… I have to be honest, though … the rest of the year will be hard.

I still think about you every day…I love you…

Be sure you look down to earth and help me walk with my grief until there is no more.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I hope you feel privileged every day for the duty you have on your shoulders. I hope that every end of the day, you feel it is your calling to be the safest place to someone who needs you most…

And may you be blessed with strength and much more love you never knew you could have in your coldest and darkest evenings.

Happy Mother’s Day today and every day after today.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I found myself scrolling on my phone today.

I was looking for your eyes…

They were dimmed;

no light…

You were broken.

I tried to pick up the broken pieces you left, but I’m not sure if I could ever put them back together…

Should I leave them as they are and let time figure things out?

I need your advice! I know you were never really good at that because at times, your advice sounded so foreign — I would rather you not giving me any.

But, I really need one now. I have no choice.

It would help if you could tell me what I should do…

Mostly because I think it would help me mend what’s broken in myself.

[cynthiakrauss01]

Who would have thought that you would give up most of yourself for someone else?

I certainly didn’t know that I was capable of doing that.

You came with your eyes opened…

and that moment, the world went quiet -

because you wanted to be heard.

Then I remembered this saying that raising a boy is chaos. I was scared…

But, God had a great plan for me. He wanted me to find the truest love ever possible in my lifetime.

I am raising a boy… it’s chaos… but I wouldn’t change this for anything else.

This boy is my savior. This boy is LOVE. This boy is forever the heart of my heart.

[cynthiakrauss01]

The 40th Day

Today marks the 40th day of your departure. Also, today, you completed your transition.

I will light a candle for you…

I hope that would help light your way up to your next journey.

I will know where you will be; you don’t need to send me your address.

You are in the sky somewhere, but you will always be where you should be…

in a house where you no longer be bound to earthly sufferings and you’re finally free.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I know I said you could go…

But, to tell you the truth, I’m hurting. I am so sad…

I would have really liked to make things right with you.

You were my house at some point;

but that house doesn’t breathe anymore.

It is vacant and I don’t know how long I would be able to stand outside and wait…

You closed the door -

and I’m still here, trying to find out if you forgave what I haven’t become.

…that’s the truth…