#mamant nostalgia

[cynthiakrauss01]

Hello, mamant!

I’m sitting on a bench in Central Park Zoo because I promised my son I would do this today.

I’ve been thinking of you as of late and I am starting to have a little bit of peace…

I’m not sure if this is how it’s supposed to be, or maybe I truly decided that you really are much better where you are now.

Your images don’t have sad songs in the background anymore. I just see you sitting down feeling as light as the clouds.

I don’t feel your pain in my heart anymore. Are you letting me know you are ok?

I’m still praying though…

I’m still praying that you were, at some point, happy in this world, and that you closed the last chapter of your book knowing you received enough of what you were so deserving.

I am sending you all my love and biggest hugs and I still do miss your gossip! Please take care and happy sleeping!

[cynthiakrauss01]

Hi, mamant! Today, I am remembering the last days I was stroking your hair…

Your eyelashes were crumpled together;

the shape of your face changed;

and your eyes wouldn’t open.

That was the quiet you I didn’t ever know in my life…your voice was gone.

I don’t remember if I saw any tears, but maybe it was because your mind was too busy.

I just wanted to say that I’m doing ok down here… quietly getting by each day.

Some days are still hard…

yes… some days are very hard because I’m still learning to scoop myself up from the pit of regrets and what ifs.

But, I’m quietly getting by with whatever silent strength I have - one little step forward each day.

I thought I’d let you know.

I hope you’re good… are you good?

[cynthiakrauss01]

Yesterday, I was able to close the front door and stayed alone in my silence… I haven’t been able to since you left. I felt like I needed to hear some kind of noises in the background.

Today, we are celebrating you despite a day early in the North but of course, it is on-time where you are. We had a seat for you at Wolf at Nordstrom.

We ordered Tagliatelle with Braised Beef Ragu and Ribeye with Tuscan Butter and French Fries. Apologies, the French fries were not from McDonald’s, but they paired much better with the medium rare steak the way you liked it.

The staff were all very professional and wonderful. They gave us Milk Chocolate Budino for dessert with a candle on top.

We sang for you and we hoped you enjoyed sitting across from us for a little bit today, doing what you loved most — EATING GOOD FOOD.

We even bought wine for you on our way home. It’s uncorked!

Happy Birthday, Gramma… Happy Birthday, mamant! You would have been 78. We hope you celebrate up there for the whole weekend!

[cynthiakrauss01]

So, when we were in the skies heading home, I tried looking for you…

but I think you were asleep among the clouds.

Let me tell you… grief is so strange. It makes you stand still while the world keeps on turning…

In this grief, my heart shrinks and I’m afraid that I might forget the version of me before this.

I wasn’t perfect with you; I never was.

We didn’t speak much, but somehow I felt comforted knowing you existed, even though you were miles and miles away.

Since you were gone, there is this space I have been trying to fit into the new shape of my heart.

That space is like a loose puzzle…

a puzzle in which I store all my images and memories of you!

I am hoping that one day, all of these would bring me smiles.

I’ll wait. I will wait.

For now, I will search for your face in my sorrow.

[cynthiakrauss01]

This suitcase was supposed to travel to you this year before making its way to the land of the rising sun. It’s going somewhere else instead. Hop on if you like…

You’ll see different parts of this country for a little bit.

Let’s go see the Golden Coastline and visit the Rockies with us!

You can fly!

I’ll look out for you in the skies…

and maybe when it’s time to say goodbye again, you can try to take some of the heaviness of my burdens away.

I love you today.

[cynthiakrauss01]

I couldn’t see you in my dreams but -

I woke up with your last breaths in my mind…

They were short as you gasped for air once more before your jaw dropped- not in awe but to let the world know you were no longer.

My sorrow continues as I walk ever so slowly to tomorrows.

You are in my thoughts, in my mourning, in my plans…

Yes, in my plans to sit with you to celebrate your life when you would have been another year older.

I really miss you today and I wish I could eat one more dinner with you…

And…and… hear your gossips and laugh because they were funny.

You were funny!

We need to eat something! I made a reservation for your birthday meal. You will love it!

[cynthiakrauss01]

Hi, mamant…

I’m thinking of you today…

Are you settled in?

Did you ask anyone what dinner would be?

Have you been cooking a lot?

I’m down here; consumed by grief.

I don’t know how to get out of it to be honest.

When I thought I was finally able to come up for air, the rogue waves would come fencing me in again…

and I don’t think I want to share these burdens… I’d rather carry them myself until I can unload some off - at some point.

Today, I feel the need to close the blinds of all the windows but I’m afraid of the dark at the same time…

What am I supposed to do?

Just keep going, I guess…

maybe, one day, I will see pictures of happy you again in my mind.

That’s my today.

[cynthiakrauss01]

Hi mamant…

You know… I memorized my goodbyes to you.

Nobody knows this, but I recorded everything in my mind…

your bloated hands…

your oxygen tank…

and, at some point, I know you wanted to sit straight on your back.

I would have let you do that, believe me!

I think you saw something… someone…

But, for some reason, you were not allowed to…

I didn’t contest…

Who did you see?

Someday, in the future, when I am ready to forgive myself, I would like to see you in my dreams.

I would like to hear about your heartaches and disappointments…

Maybe, that would give me a little comfort knowing that you are in a much better living space;

that your heart no longer aches and your soul is floating free in the air…

Not today, though…

I’m not ready.