insanity

cytherea brown - the pseudonym of a girl who occasionally writes.

[cythereabrown]

Hi y'all - A new chapter can be found on Wattpad and another is coming very soon 🤭 Link below! <3

LINK TO CHAPTER ONE: https://www.wattpad.com/129364778-queen-of-hearts-01-introductions

[cythereabrown]

Hi y'all - Two new chapters can be found on Wattpad and a new one is coming very soon 🤭 Links below! <3

LINK TO CHAPTER ONE: https://www.wattpad.com/172249127-lonely-hearts-club-➳-bwhm-01-don%27t-wanna-give-you

LINK TO CHAPTER TWO: https://www.wattpad.com/172251008-lonely-hearts-club-➳-bwhm-02-but-i-want-you

[char-writes]

Daydreaming about my book:

Writing my book:

[certifiedbitch777]

The Concept of Intention

Entry Date: 2/12/2024 2:52pm

Today is Monday, and I'm supposed to be working right now, but everything in my body was fighting me from doing so. I did what I thought was best and called out, and god, am I glad.

I hate my job. I hate corporate culture, but I'm stuck here since this is the only thing that allows me to pay my bills. I would love to just write for a living. I don't care if it's to be an author, creative writer for a magazine, songwriter, or poet - I want any and all of it. It brings me peace.

These past days of trying to break bad habits and being consistent have made me deeply introspect. All I've been pondering is my purpose and what I want my life to look like, and I just end up back in the same spot. 

I want the freedom to express myself. I want the ability to carve out my own daily schedule and to follow the beat of my own drum. I want to be authentic. I want to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

In the world that we currently live in, it almost seems as if those in power are doing their best to prevent this from happening, but it's all I crave. I do my best to find joy in the little things, but it's just not in my nature to settle for crumbs when I know I can and deserve much more.

Over the past 5 years, what I wanted to do and be in life has changed dramatically. I honestly feel like I choose and hyper-focus on a vocation every 2 to 3 months. If I'm being honest, in each sprint, whichever career path I chose was never due to my genuine interest in them. It was all due to social, family, and financial expectations and pressure. 

My interest in all things linked to healthcare and technology was due to my family saying that it would be a reliable source of income. 'There will always be jobs for nurses or cybersecurity.' 'It would be a steady flow of income.' Obviously, my studying in those things lasted only a short time. My reason for indulging in it wasn't sustainable.

I also majored in Psychology for about 2 semesters in college. I actually really love the concept of psychology. The complexity of the human psyche completely fascinates. As much as I loved taking classes on it, I eventually dropped out of college due to my school requiring my broke ass to pay out of pocket because I failed 1 class :|. I was devastated, but a part of me always knew I wouldn't stick with it for long since school was never for me despite my academic success in my younger years. For background, I dropped out in 10th grade and got my GED shortly after my 18th birthday without studying :).

Between all of this exploring, I worked in various retail and warehouse jobs. Honestly, I quit those jobs at the drop of a hat because the pay would never match the stress. One thing I did enjoy was the amount of free time I had. The schedule was flexible, and I could get a lot done in a day or week since I sometimes did double shifts to have more days off. As much as the scheduling for the job was compatible with my dream life, the pay and terrible benefits nowhere near offset the latter.

Last but not least, I currently work at a top corporate company. I got in due to an apprenticeship, and they offered me a full-time offer. I will forever be grateful for that, as I was sure I would be fucked as both a high school and college dropout. They've provided me with stability I could only dream of, along with excellent benefits. However, what makes me not willing to settle for this is the lack of work-life balance I have. I work at least 6 days a week and over 12 hours most days. I have no life, happiness, or drive for anything anymore. It's as if I had to sell and exchange my soul for this life. And now I live the life of a corporate zombie with my world being filled with black and white instead of vibrant colors.

Why am I giving all this context of all my different career changes? Because I was never genuinely intentional with each path I explored. As a result, nothing worked out the way I thought it would. 

I've been applying to random jobs with mid to high salaries for over 2 years now, and I've gotten a rejection for every single one. Although that could be a result of how terrible the job market is, the way I view it, it didn't work out for a reason. It wasn't meant for me, and I only applied to them for superficial reasons, not because I was genuinely interested in them.

I want to be more intentional in everything I do in this life. Whether it's the food I eat, how I present myself, my morals and values, or even the line of work I want to pursue. I want to be the best version of me and only me. 

This is why I want to write for a living. It's been a common denominator in my life since I was as young as 5. I've always loved writing. Whether it was storytelling, music, or even something as simple as journaling, I felt aligned with what I was supposed to be doing. Even when I am blogging to absolutely nobody, I feel happy. I feel fulfilled spreading my truth no matter how ugly or beautiful.

The concept of intentional living was spoken about long before my mother was born. I thought I was doing so, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I challenge and hope that anyone who comes across this post begins the journey of self that will lead to a life of fulfillment.

[certifiedbitch777]

New Year, New Me?

Entry Date: 2/2/2024

I am currently 23 years old. The age I always hear carries the most tribulations for our early 20s, which has pretty much been my pain point as I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

Shocking, I know, right?

Before I got my current corporate job, I had so much passion. I want to try out everything in life. I wanted to be a writer, dancer, singer, actor, psychologist - Shit, I even tried to do IT because why the fuck not? I had so much energy and drive I felt like I could conquer the world. And yet, here I am now, and I have no passion, interest, or drive. I'm literally just floating in life right now, not knowing what the fuck to do next.

I'm in survival mode, to be honest. The only thing that is hardwired into my brain is the goal of getting this shmoney.

Despite all this, I still feel lazy since I have no ambition for anything outside of money. My mind is plagued by what I should and shouldn't do and all I can land on is 'I don't fucking know :|'. 

Regardless of this unclarity and lack of ambition, I only want a clear sense of direction. I want to get going already, but I don't know what steps to take. Again, I understand I'm only 23 years old, but still. I need that clarity to take action on a path I know I will be satisfied with, but once again IDFK.

There's no way around this phase at this point; It's inevitable. The only thing I guess I can implement is going on a deep assessment of my life (once again) and reviewing what is and isn't working for me. I've just been avoiding doing this because it is tiring and tedious.

Fuck, maybe I'm just being lazy.

I mean, tbh, it isn't fun; It just sounds like a load of work.

Damn, I think I'm lazy...

I mean, they say it takes 30 to 60 days to break a habit. I'll start looking into my bad habits and see what I can get out of that. 

Here's a list of my current shitty habits that I'll be challenging:

Sleeping before or at midnight: My sleep schedule is terrible for a variety of reasons, but I want to start sleeping before midnight to practice better sleeping habits. For reference, I typically stay up until 3am despite working in the morning.

Waking up before 8am: Okay, so this is mainly to be able to study for my permit (Yes, I'm 23 and don't know how to drive. Who's gonna check me??) and work out. This will also allow me downtime after work (5pm).

Consistent Oral Hygiene: Okay, before y'all supposedly clean freaks call me gross, I'm not saying I don't brush my teeth. I do, and twice a day at that, along with using my Therabreath mouthwash. I just need to be consistent with flossing, specifically at night. I've been getting better at it, but I want to implement it into my daily routine.

Taking Daily Medications: I suck at consistently taking my mood stabilizers, as it just makes me feel dreary and sleepy throughout the day. Since I stopped taking it consistently, my mood hasn't been the best. Needless to say, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

Working Out: I've been athletic for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, I've been on and off and want to get back to having a snatched waist with a phat dumpy. I'm already comfortable with my current size, but to be back in shape wouldn't hurt. I think I'll be sharing my journey with pictures every so often so that you guys can have a realistic peek into my journey.

Eating Habits: I need to eat healthier, PERIOD. I don't have the worst eating, but it's terrible for me because I'm very impulsive with food and suffer from an eating disorder. I have toggled between binging and starving myself many times in the past, so I want to try to find that sweet spot where I can eat healthily and not feel deprived to the point where I binge.

Prioritize Health: Both physical and mental. I suck at this and, at times, can let work take a toll on my everything. Last year almost broke me, and I don't want this year to be the same. I need to be happy and healthy. No comprising at all.

So yeah, that's my list. Once again, I'm just going to point out I am a lazy girl and I have terrible habits, however, I do want to make a change because I'm really tired of this loop.

I want to reach all of my financial, personal, and career goals this year so badly. The good thing is I have some steps to outline what I need to change. The challenge is pushing through to get the end result :\

Anyway, I will most likely post my initial progress for my journey for working out and do bi-weekly check-ins to track my progress.

This may sound corny, but New Year, New Me?

[cythereabrown]

Lonely Hearts Club by Cytherea

EXTENDED SYNOPSIS

There she is.

An adolescence enters her prime as she engages with the teens surrounding her. She tries so hard to stand out from the others, but little does she know it only helps her blend in. Her innocence is the key, and her body is a three – but only in her mind. She doesn't know her potential.

There he is.

Friendships are his family because his is distorted. Mama's in a cage like Cookie Lyon in a gorilla suit. Daddy doesn't care and his sister isn't there – physical and emotionally. He picks out masks from the closet full of expressions on the daily. He jokes with his crew but never lets them in. They won't understand, only mock because they can't comprehend. He was holding onto a fine thread and was slipping slowly, but his world paused once he met a pair of Brown Eyes.

This is their story.

LINK TO STORY: https://www.wattpad.com/story/51067419-lonely-hearts-club-➳-bwhm

[certifiedbitch777]

Don't Touch My Hair... I MEANT IT!!!

Entry Date: 1/18/2024 11:03 pm

Today's topic is 'Don't Touch My Hair,' and I mean it quite literally. I am tired.

Tired.

Tired.

I'm so tired of this shit, and I want to cry and scream and more.

My hair is something I've struggled with since I was a kid. It's a very sore spot. When asked what their ideal hair would be growing up, most girls would point out things such as a difference in texture, thicker hair, or even extra length. For me, it sucked because I didn't have any of the desired traits.

My hair was a lot different than my siblings. Their hair was much fuller than mine. My hair is low density, aka it's hella thin... Man, is it really thin. Reflecting on what I know about my hair now, my hair also has low porosity, while my siblings seemed to have medium porosity.

My mother struggled to plant the proper seeds to make my hair grow and be healthy. She didn't know how to take care of hair like mine. With my siblings having thicker and much more resilient hair, it was no reason why their hair seemed to flourish in different settings; meanwhile, mine would break off at the most minor inconvenience.

For the majority of my life, I grew up with short hair and even went through the phase in middle school of lying about my length so that I wouldn't be ridiculed. I would go to extreme lengths to manipulate my hair in a particular way to feel more feminine and aligned with the beauty standards. None of that would be able to erase the many years of humiliation I would feel from my peers or even my external family (grandma, aunties, etc.). It was like a running joke...

I felt so ugly for many years, but I still held the idea that my beauty was tied to how my hair looked. Even now, in my early 20s approaching my mid-20s, I still struggle with this. I struggle with prioritizing my physical appearance, though I know the beauty within is what counts the most. And trust, I do focus on building my internal world and shifting the harmful internal dialogue, but it's just so hard when the world is built on all superficial matters.

I've won over certain battles that I faced regarding the beauty standard. For example, I have big boobs. Big boobs, by nature, sag due to gravity, skin elasticity, genetics, and so many more factors. I thought something was wrong with me during my teen years. I mean, why the hell was my boobs frowning if I didn't even birth any children?? But the older I got, the less I started to care. Shit neither does my partner, so I just learned to embrace this difference within myself. But when it comes to my hair... it's the battle I'm struggling to win over the most.

I shaved my hair in the summer of 2022. It is now January 2024, and I'm still baldheaded.

Granted, the past year, for me, has been highly stressful. I suffered hair loss due to stress from work, my weight was fluctuating, and my health over was in the gutter. Due to this, I started balding in random spots. However, it's been MONTHS since I stopped balding, and my hair is not even 5 inches...

It makes me feel so ugly.

So masculine.

I mean, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and since we've dated, I've been taking care of his hair. His hair is now mid-back length, drastically different from his mini afro. And yet, here I am, his girl, with shorter hair. It just makes me feel so undesirable. I feel the need to wear a full face of makeup every time my hair is out. That is just utter bullshit!

I'M JUST SO FUCKING TIRED!!

And I'm so hurt.

This never-ending battle with my feminity tied to something as trivial as my hair is draining me. If anybody asked me if I was over all of my hair struggles that summer of 2022 before I shaved it, I would've said yes!! But I'm clearly not and don't know what to do.

Outside of being overpriced for simple services, these new-age stylists LOVE adding a pile of product, mostly thick gel, to our hair and straightening it for basic styles... How are these styles being labeled protective??? My hair just simply won't thrive in those conditions.

And what sucks is I love styles such as mini braids or twists, but hair is such a low density, I end up looking like Cynthia from rug rats LMFAOO. Just 3 goddamn braids on my hair.

I want to know how do I feel pretty with my hair in its current state. That's the question no one knows how to answer, and I don't expect them to. The answer should come from me and only me, but this battle just feels so lonely...

[cythereabrown]

THE DEADLY SULLEN SIBLINGS by Cytherea

EXTENDED SYNOPSIS

After Jessica's house burns down, she has no choice but to accept the unexpected offer of Parker, who agrees to let her stay in her house until she can get situated. But Parker is dangerous man and Jessica knows that. In a small town, one can not help but hear about his family's underground drug business and the happens within their house.

LINK TO STORY: https://www.wattpad.com/story/67091877-the-deadly-sullen-siblings

[writing-prompt-s]

A depressed guy moves into a haunted house with 7 demons, each corresponding to a deadly sin. But, they’re all trying to help him get back on his feet; Pride helps with self confidence, Lust helps him get laid, etc.

[kaixsl]