[czzzzzarina]

[czzzzzarina]

I guess my obsession with planners is because I am getting by my life by the day, and that I want to think that I am organized. By trying to list down my plans and/or accomplishments, it gives me time to process the things I am dealing and is about to deal with in real life.

It gives me the illusion that I accomplish something or am about to do something worthy, but in reality I am so lost and I think I do nothing productive.

[czzzzzarina]

To spend more time with you 🤍

[czzzzzarina]

Happy and Sappy

2021 and here’s to a happier me! Just wanna update this blog journal I have and to practice expressing myself again.

I lost the appetite on writing a journal for a while since there hasn’t been a much things I really want to remember and I don’t want to immortalize the sad stories I have. I would really be writing for things I am happy for starting today.

Hope to keep posting here again and keep this as a journal.

[czzzzzarina]

It’s been a while

Hope to be back here for good.

[czzzzzarina]

I used to be in an anonymous chat rooms but most of the people there are using it for sexting, so uninstalled it because I get random dick pics and it made me realize I could never participate in hook-up culture. but then I recently joined Tinder out of boredom. I was looking for someone to talk to and I felt like all my friends are too busy or tired of hearing me. That’s when I decided to try it out for fun and flirt a little. But then I got surprised when I enjoyed it, seeing different guys with different reasons to be using the app. Some are desperate to look for love and dates, some to pass time (like me), some needs someone to talk to, and of course, some to look for hook-ups.

Since I was just there to pass time and flirt casually without the intention of meeting them in person. I don’t really chat the guys whose intention obviously is to hook up. Decent enough, most of the guys I matched with asked first why I’m there and how would the situation be. I liked it when they are just there same reason as me, looking for a little attention without the dramas. Someone you can talk about movies and music artists. Haha! I am currently constantly chatting with two different guys na I am interested in (not in jowa form but just for kilig).

I got matched with my AMath crush that used to be my classmate in a GE subject when we were sophomores! And we really clicked! I should’ve approached him in person before. But I was too young and insecure to talk to someone I had a crush. Wants to meet up and might go see im coz I think same level naman kami since both uplb and batchmate ko naman.

Another is the surfer guy na I find hot. He constantly asks me to hang out with him. He declared naman his intention na he wants to end it up to having sex. I told him I don’t sleep around so friendship lang kaya ko ioffer but the we still flirt each other and kinikilig ako so and ending talaga eh di ko sya ime-meet para lang di ako matukso kasi alam ko marupok ako.

Wala talagang point tong entry na ‘to. Gusto ko lang magkaron ng documentation yung state of mind ko on the first week of using Tinder.

[czzzzzarina]

I really have to accept that I am a dependent person. I just want someone to lean on and get my energy from. Alam ko naman mali yun, pero ang paranoid and anxious ko kapag wala. I kept on denying hindi ko siya kailangan,kasi nasaktan na talaga ako sa mga pangiiwan nya sa ere pero alam ko naman sya lang din cure sa lahat ng ‘to. Yung suicidal and depressed thoughts ko nagstart lang naman nung nagbreak kami, kahit nung nagresign ako and was very depressed and having my anxiety attacks during work days, i can still be cheerful. Pero when he broke up with me it was ik end of the world. Yes now I am feeling all better pero I still have no motivation in life. Ewan ang sakit din naman aminin sakin na sya pa din yung gusto ko after everything, Well I hope this feeling/idea pass.

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[blue---rain]

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[czzzzzarina]

hello i’m super sorry i got no one to talk to

i have been feeling shitty and i miss the feeling of having someone by my side. i miss my ex, i want my recent ex back even after everything. i just want him back and make me feel like everything’s gonna be okay. idk why i would still pick sam over jake who made me feel deeper feelings. maybe the thought of hindi ko talaga sya makuha is what makes me want him? tangina ano ba ‘to?

[czzzzzarina]

I don’t know why I had this flashback this afternoon, about the time I first made up with this boy. The first boy I was close with. I broke up with him, but we kept seeing each other for academic reasons. After a month, I had this intense sepanx and been texting him and then I ended up going to his apartment again.So we hung out and maybe watched a movie, and when we got out to buy some food, he hugged me so tight that he lifted me and twirled. I never felt so needed. The feeling was so intense I wanted to cry but I pretended to be mean and told him he was being cheezy. 

And now as I right the first paragraph, I remember his last day of school (he was graduating, and I still have a year in college), I was so sad that thought it will be the last time we will see each other. We were never official and never knew when he’ll be back and when I’ll be seeing him again. When it’s time for him to go, he kissed me and a tear fell down my cheek. 

Tangina why do I keep remembering these things? I am being too cruel to myself by missing the things that I can’t have right now. And those things were not from the boy I recently broke up with. Those stories was from my first ex, that I now befriended. I am no longer attracted to him but I admit I miss having someone by my side making me feel kilig. I just want someone who will miss me when I broke it off. I want someone who will kiss me to comfort me. I want someone to say everything will be fine when I feel shitty.

[czzzzzarina]

Gago the brat part of me just wanna say “Putangina tayo nalang kasi ulit at wag mo na ako iwan” pero hindi kasi talaga pwede. Hindi na pwede ulit-ulitin yung mga nangyari. Nagiging cycle lang yung lahat.

[summersweeet]

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[czzzzzarina]

coz i’m not

[czzzzzarina]

It’s almost Christmas and I can’t find a single bone in my body that is happy. I know that there are still lot of things to be thankful for and be happy about. And my life does not revolve around my past relationship. But I just can’t ignore my frustration and pain about him.I am aware that my anxiety heightens my emotions, making it worse. I really can’t help it. If only I could turn back time and undo everything that triggered that stupid break up.

Last monday, December 17th was his 25th birthday. For weeks I was rocking my brains out how to greet him and finally talk about the upcoming vacation with him and his friends. So that night, I wished him ‘Happy birthday’ and asked about it right away. I get no response. I waited for hours and was hoping a night of familiar conversation, I assumed we can maintain a casual, just like the conversations we had during our first break up. So it then hit me, it’s either he is ignoring my messages or he blocked me on his phone. To confirm, I sent a message using my prepaid number, a plain “Happy birthday, Sam”. I was too hurt to wait if he will respond. I tried to comfort myself by saying he may be out of load or maybe he’s on site and couldn’t get a reception. In the morning I checked, there was a “Salamat po”  came from him. How could he respond to that unknown number and not mine? I couldn’t cry but I felt my heart got broken again. All my feelings made me blocked him in all social media sites and on my phone. I couldn’t continue waiting for his messages that will never come. I couldn’t lie to and make myself believe that one day, maybe out of the blue, he will ask how I was doing.

So now, hindi ko pa din alam kung tutuloy ako sa trip na hindi naman ako welcome na. Di ko alam kung dapat ko pa ba sabihin sa kanila yun. Me being polite. Tangina talaga ang unfair. Hindi ko alam saan ako banda naiinis eh, yung nasaktan ba ako sa ginawa nya, or yung di manlang nya inisip yung sa trip, or dahil gusto ko pa talaga sya pero hindi na pwede.

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[heryearnings]

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