There is some sort of uncertainty in my mind that I cannot resolve.
There is a certain heaviness in my heart that I cannot pinpoint.
I, so badly, want to pull the plug on this. I don’t know if I’d regret it after, but the feeling to end things right now gets a lot stronger with each passing moment. Perhaps I’d feel immediate relief -- ‘at peace’, as someone might say -- but perhaps, just maybe, I might feel shame and sadness after.
There are so many things I wish I could tell people, explain to them my thoughts and feelings -- but at the same time, why should I have to justify what I feel and what I think is appropriate for me? They’re not me. How could they think and say things that are possibly ‘better for me’? Let’s be frank: I don’t believe that everybody in this world needs a somebody. Yes, human beings are social creatures and that we thrive on mutual interaction -- but if you can find the right few other beings that you can interact and grow with, then what is the need of a particular partner? Moreso if you’re not sexually attracted to any person. If emotional connection is what I’m seeking, and what I’ve found through a close connection and relation with friends and family, then why do I need a partner?
Someone to share my burdens? I can handle it on my own, and I’ve got amazing support around me.
Someone to spend the rest of my life with? Again, I have an amazing circle of relations. Why does it have to be that one person?
No, this is not stemming from my insecurity of being vulnerable or any of that sort. I am not afraid of being exposed and vulnerable to the people I am deeply connected to. And I have those people. And I am open to forming more deep connections to others if they ever enter my life, but it doesn’t have to be that one special person everyone believes a person should have. I pray for the day that people would stop assuming my firm rejection of things as an insecurity or a defence mechanism. Why can’t they just accept my preference?
There may be uncertainty in my head, but there’s definitely heaviness in my heart. Towards what though? Towards the people that may potentially judge me and ‘correct’ me when I’ve thought ‘wrong’? Towards the person I am about to walk away from? Towards my future-self even?
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