AFTERCARE
What is aftercare?
Aftercare is the emotional, mental, and physical support given to someone after a scene, especially one that is intense, vulnerable, or taxing. However, aftercare is an essential part of sexual activity in general–not just BDSM scenes–as it's a mutual expression of vulnerability and empathy after engaging in sexually charged activity.
Examples of Aftercare
Cuddling
Blankets, soft clothes, and warmth
Water and snacks
Gentle praise and reassurance
Taking a shower or bath together
Journaling to decompress in silence
Giving each other space if requested
Checking in the next day
Applying ointment to bruised or sore spots
Talking through what happened and how it made you feel
Why is aftercare important?
Scenes can trigger intense physiological and psychological responses as endorphins, adrenaline, and dopamine spike during play. These neurotransmitters and hormones drop, causing individuals–most notably submissives (sub drop)–to experience exhaustion, shakiness, disconnect, or anxiety.
Aftercare softens that landing as an individual comes down from the "high" of play. It helps partners rebuild trust and restore emotional balance in their relationships.
Aftercare Looks Different for Everyone
There is no one-size-fits-all formula for aftercare so it's important that you and your partner(s) discuss what works best for you. Some people might need to be held in silence, while others need praise and reassurance. The key is to know what you need and communicate it clearly to your partner(s).
What if I don't know what I need?
When you're just starting out in kink, or you're playing with something new, you might not be entirely sure what aftercare works best for you. It's important to know that is completely normal. Sometimes you might not even feel the effects of play until hours or days after, so remember to give yourself–and your partner–grace during this journey.
Start simple and try out different things you like, such as:
Asking for water and a warm blanket
Writing about your feelings after play in a journal
Discussing the scene with your partner
Letting your partner know when, or if, you feel "off"
Can I give myself aftercare?
Yes! You may between partners or choose to explore BDSM alone. Solo scenes, masturbation with kink elements, or the emotional processing of fantasies still require gentle, supportive self-aftercare that can help build a solid understanding of your needs when you do engage with others. Some things to try/consider include, but are not limited to:
Taking a warm bath
Journaling your feelings
Wrapping up in a soft blanket
Meditation
Speaking kindly to yourself
Watching a comfort movie
*Self-awareness in kink is just as lengthy of a journey as it is in your vanilla life, and your needs will evolve the more you play and reflect/discover your identity. Even long-term kinksters are still learning and discovering things about themselves and the lifestyle.*
Different Types of Play Require Different Types of Aftercare
I always specify that aftercare is deeply personal and will look different from individual to individual, but it's important to note that certain scenes require certain aftercare considerations as types of play effect the body and psyche differently.
Impact Play
Impact play often leaves the body sore and adrenaline-drained so it's important that you and your partner are addressing those needs together. Consider physical touch, cuddling, cleaning any wounds, ointment, hydration, warmth, and creating a calm environment for both individuals to level out.
Degradation or Humiliation
Degradation and humiliation may create emotional bruises, so aftercare should focus on healing those wounds. Consider gentle words, reaffirming love and respect, and focusing on reinforcing the value you hold for your partner(s).
Fear Play or CNC
CNC comes with many risk, but grounding and emotional reassurance are likely the two most important things to take into consideration. You have to distinguish reality from fantasy and re-establish safety and consent with your partner(s).
Rope Bondage or Restraint
Rope bondage can cause physical strain and emotional vulnerability. It's important to consider untying your partner slowly, massaging their body, helping them stretch, checking circulation, and spending some tender quality time together.
Discuss Aftercare Before the Scene
Aftercare should always be a part of your pre-scene negotiation. It's an act of love and consent that shows your partner you care about how they feel after play just as much as you do during play. Some questions your may want to ask include, but are not limited to:
What helps you feel grounded again?
Do you like physical touch after a scene?
Would you rather talk or just rest?
Do you tend to drop later?
Debriefing
Having conversations with your partner(s) after a scene, or a day or two later, can help strengthen trust and make future scenes safer and more fulfilling for those involved. Some points to discuss include, but are not limited to:
What felt good
What didn't feel good
What surprised you
What could have been done differently
Aftercare Doesn't Always End After a Scene
Drop, or emotional echos, can hit hours or days after a scene. Don't assume everything's fine just because your partner smiled at the end of a scene. Follow up and check in with each other. Hold space for processing any emotions you might experience as they come up. Remember to communicate. Communication is essential in kink, and you should always feel that you can openly and honestly communicate with your partner.
What is Drop?
Drop refers to the emotional and physical crash that can happen after a scene, play session, or intense emotional exchange. Both dominants and submissives can experience Drop. It's a natural response to the intensity of BDSM, not a sign that something went wrong. Drop can look like:
Sadness
Exhaustion
Anxiety
Detachment
Shame
Irritability
Disconnection
Guilt
Feeling uneasy without knowing why
Why does Drop happen?
BDSM scenes are emotional and chemical peaks that demand trust, adrenaline, vulnerability, and intense physical experiences. Once the scene ends, your body and mind recalibrate resulting in a crash.
Sub Drop
Sub drop is the most commonly discussed type of drop. It occurs when a submissive's body comes down from the "high" of a scene. Aftercare ensures that a submissive can come down from the "high" of a scene in a safe and supportive manner. When the chemicals released during play come down, crash can look like:
Emotional vulnerability
Shakiness
Crying or anxiety
Physical fatigue or soreness
Feelings of rejection, worthlessness, or confusion
A sense of "what did I just do?"
Dom Drop
Dom drop, while less talked about, is just as real and important as sub drop. Being in control, guiding someone's vulnerability, and managing a scene is mentally and emotionally intense. Aftercare ensures that a dominant can come down from the "high" of a scene in a healthy manner.
Dom drop can be triggered by:
The weight of responsibility
Fear they went “too far” in a scene
A sense of guilt after a degradation or pain-based scene
Emotional release from being intensely present and controlled
The sudden loss of power dynamic when a scene ends
Symptoms may include:
Guilt or shame
Emotional fatigue
Depression-like symptoms
Disconnection or numbness
Questioning themselves or their role
In summation, aftercare is for everyone, at any time, and forms a foundation for healthy intimacy between partners.
