I just feel completely helpless every time I think about it. You could pin me down, expose me, and force yourself into my body. I would have no say in it, I could fight and scream and cry and it would just mean nothing. LESS than nothing.
The thought that, as I felt someone enter my body against my will, they were using me not just for pleasure. That this man, who I hate for what he’s doing to me, is going to look me in the eye and pointedly, calmly explain that he is raping me pregnant, that at the end of this his goal is to have his seed take root in my belly. That he is going to force me to carry a new person inside me, against my will, feel is kicking its way to life within my body for the next nine entire months, and then give birth to it. It makes me tremble at the idea of it, of feeling a warm jet of pre-cum thud against my cervix, wondering if my rapist has already succeeded in impregnating me.
It’s horrifying. You could just use me, in every way, and I’d have no input on the process from beginning to end. The violation. Carrying the product of rape. Feeling labor begin, nothing preparing me for how humiliating and agonizing of a process giving birth to your unwanted life-ruiner would be. Everyone judging me for the entire pregnancy, losing friends and family as they accuse me of lying, only to be here at the end of it, alone (or at least I would HOPE alone, and then I’m not enduring this agonizing shame in front of people…) and scared, your rape baby coming, opening me inside, violating me just like one who put it inside me in the first place, but so, so much worse.
And even more devastating would be knowing how eager and ready my body was for this. My body will have changed so much for you, becoming fertile, swollen, motherly. You took over my being with the child you raped into my womb, and my entire being sans my mind was delighted by it, eagerly growing its most special gift to reward you for violating me.
The knowledge swirling through my mind as the need to bear down overwhelms me is crushing. This is what I’m FOR, the purpose for my existance as a female, no matter how much I try to deny it. That I can have my hopes and dreams, aspirations, hobbies, friends, career, and at any moment you or someone like you can casually, effortlessly come along and steal it all away, change my entire life forever. You have the choice to just force your seed into my womb and vanish, but I’ll have to endure it taking root, sprouting, and then have to helplessly give birth to it. You can do it at any time, off of a whim, with no real reason other than you wanted to, and never HAVE to look back unless you want to savor how much pain and despair you’ve caused me, how you and your rape baby have ruined my entire life.
I was made to bear life, even if I don’t want to. ESPECILLY if I don’t want to. My only real defence in today’s world is to pray nobody decides I should carry their seed. Because once they do, all I can do is watch as my body does what it was made to do, unable to do anything to slow it, let alone stop it.
And the entire time, I know it probably won’t be the last time.
It leaves me breathing heavily, quivering in helpless fear of what feels so inevitable, ashamed as I feel wetness seeping into my panties, leaving a damp spot of arousal at the idea of someone forcing me to become a mother.
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