Manners, Etiquette and Protocol in BDSM
By Uncle Mega
Those who know me are well aware that I like rules. I like structure and accountability. Although I have not been an active practitioner of the BDSM lifestyle for very long (2011 I finally identified what I was), I have studied hard and applied the skills and knowledge quite well. I have structured a house of protocols for myself and those under my guidance. I live in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I have over 10 years’ experience working in mental health and have applied that knowledge and set of skills to what it is we call “Lifestyle”. Working in residential treatment facilities for adults with addictions, I have had quite a bit of exposure to the structuring and implementation of etiquette and protocol as well as enforcement and discipline. As a result I have often been referred to as “Mr. By the Book”. Behavioral modification and structuring daily living plans is something I have done a lot of. These are my qualifications for writing this article.
In my search for a mentor in the “Leather Lifestyle” I have run across a large amount of “do as I say, not as I do” type of Dominants. It seems that when it comes to teaching manners and etiquette, the focus tends to be on the responsibilities of the submissive counterparts. An exception to this is from many of the Mistresses I have been in contact with; they seem to remember what these things are.
Let’s define these terms before we go any further. (From Define.com)
Manners: noun
1. a way of doing, being done, or happening; mode of action, occurrence, etc.:
2. manners.
the prevailing customs, ways of living, and habits of a people, class, period, etc.; mores:
ways of behaving with reference to polite standards; social comportment:
3. a person’s outward bearing; way of speaking to and treating others:
4. characteristic or customary way of doing, making, saying, etc.
Etiquette: noun
1. conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.
2. a prescribed or accepted code of usage in matters of ceremony, as at a court or in official or other formal observances.
3. the code of ethical behavior regarding professional practice or action among the members of a profession in their dealings with each other:
Protocol: noun
1. the customs and regulations dealing with diplomatic formality, precedence, and etiquette.
### Manners
Where are our manners? What are our manners? Well in my house I teach my subjects to be polite. Say please and thank you. Don’t interrupt when someone is talking. Hold the door open for others. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom or take a phone call. To basically treat others the way you wish to be treated. A list of common manners practiced in western society can be found here http://www.examiner.com/article/30-manners-everyone-should-know. This is the standard that our society holds us to and to ignore them disgraces BDSM practitioners as a whole. This isn’t old guard stuff it’s just common courtesy, the stuff we teach our kids.
How can we be better? If you host a function, be prepared to greet your guests. I’ve been to munch’s where I was not only ignored by the host but brushed off when I introduced myself. That particular host lost my respect that day and has failed to earn it back. Unfortunately he’s a well-known Leatherman and leader in our community. Teach your submissive to show manners in public and lead by example. If you develop a practice of not being demeaning towards others in public as well as reprimanding your subjects for violating this courtesy, then you will gain the respect of those around you. It also shows new people that your group doesn’t tolerate bad manners and forces them to either learn good manners or go elsewhere. Above all else, ASK FIRST! If I bring something to a social function, whether it be a toy, a dish or a human being. Ask before you help yourself. You don’t just grab a man’s toy bag and start digging through it and you don’t just walk up to someone you don’t know and engage in open conversation or worse, contact. This goes for single persons attending functions. Just because she doesn’t have a dominant with her doesn’t mean she’s yours to touch or play with. What you do in these situations is more an etiquette issue than one of manners so let’s move on to that.
### Etiquette
What is etiquette and how does it apply to me? The easiest way to describe etiquette is by uttering a quote that almost every adult in modern society has heard, “when in Rome, do as the Romans”. This means that most places you will find yourself at have a specific set of “rules” or “expectations”. Whether it be a munch, a private play party at someone’s home or a convention or other event held in public, there is always a set of rules. These rules can usually be found in the event listing, brochure or some other form of communication provided prior to the event. Sometimes these “rules of etiquette” will contain “house protocol” or other structured protocol to follow while in attendance.
Some of the standard unspoken etiquette for social functions should perhaps be spoken more often, since these seem to be the ones that come up in conversation as being violated.
“Who and what you see here, stays here.” Privacy and discretion are important to many of our community members. Careers and social or political standing can, unfortunately, be affected due to affiliations with BDSM.
“Only yes means yes.” If you don’t have explicit permission from someone to do something then the answer is NO. Don’t assume that you can touch, grab, rub, hug or otherwise fondle any person at any time. This goes for woman to woman contact as well. It’s best to get a positive “YES” response before touching anyone. (Some establish a standing rule with certain individuals) I’ve run into a problem in leather circles where there’s a philosophy of “if you wouldn’t do it to your sister then it’s not okay”. This is a terrible philosophy! There are so many ways to manipulate and exploit that philosophy. For fuck sake, I’ll pin my sister down and tickle her until she pees her pants, I damn sure don’t want you treating the women of our community like that without negotiations first. I have had to reprimand several men in the leather community for initiating physical contact with my submissives without gaining consent. Ask before you hug, fondle, pat their head or pull their pony tail. If they’re with me, chances are the answer is Yes but if you don’t use proper etiquette it becomes a no real fast.
“Your kinks are not my kinks.” To each their own but let’s remember to respect each other’s kinks and protocols. You may not be into pegging but that doesn’t give you the right to shame someone who is. Furthermore, it is respectful to acknowledge others protocol and this can be done without you being placed into a submissive status. When addressing another dominant in regards to protocol one can say, ”Does your submissive require permission to speak with me privately?”. This statement acknowledges your awareness of protocol, shows your respect for the other dominant and defers the responsibility of action to the submissive. By being deliberate with your words it accomplishes so many things without demeaning anyone. In regards to protocol, I have had more than one dominant state,” those are your rules not mine, I’ll talk to whomever I want whenever I want”. This is just childish and disrespectful. Acknowledging another person’s kink or protocol is not an act of submission. It is one of respect and proper etiquette.
“Give everyone their personal space”. There are actual laws about this in our society. Although very subjective, it’s best to keep a safe distance from people in all social functions. The more you get to know someone, the smaller this area may become but for starters I like to use the arm’s length rule. At play parties there’s such a thing as “Scene space”. It is up to the players and the DM to determine an appropriate place to conduct a scene. If space is limited, then check with the party host or DM before beating your subs bottom while s/he’s bent over the arm of the couch that people are sitting on. Also, if you’re watching a scene stay further than the length of the Top’s arm plus the longest toy in their bag. Usually 6-8’ is sufficient. If space is limited and you must pass through this “scene space” then wait patiently until the Top makes eye contact with you and acknowledges you’re “passing through”.
“Don’t interrupt a scene”. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a play party in my local community where this unspoken rule wasn’t broken. If you’re not in the scene and not the DM or responsible hosting party then STAY OUT of the scene! You may have questions about the techniques being used or even some concerns about safety but if you were not invited to the party to police it then DON’T. You have no idea what was negotiated before the scene, the missing safety precautions might have been discussed by the players as a way to heighten the risk of the scene. By all means discuss these things with someone afterwards, I suggest asking the Top first and if you still have questions or concerns go to a respected leader in your community. At a recent play party I had a rope top step in to tell me that my choice in knots was inappropriate for a suspension. What he didn’t know is that I had no intention of suspending my bottom. A few minutes later he stepped back into my “scene space” and hit my arm with a violet wand. I jerked and effectively shocked the bottom, whom I had not negotiated electrical play with. This Top debated with me for some time about how there was no harm in his actions. In this case, there was no way for him to know if I myself or my bottom had a heart condition or some other aversion to electricity. More importantly, this “unspoken rule” needs to be spoken more within our communities. If an experienced rope Top is unaware of this particular etiquette to the extent that I must argue the validity of my point, then we’re failing as a community to express and enforce basic etiquette within our social circles.
### Protocol
Finally protocol, this is another completely subjective concept. Protocol is a set of rules specific to a set of predetermined circumstances. Some venue’s may have specific protocol. For example, if I were to host a private play party and call for High Protocol from all of the guests at this party, then there might be some enforced etiquette such as addressing all Dominants as Sir or Mistress. Other protocol might include seating arrangements or standards of attire. All of us in D/s type relationships have some level of protocol whether we know it or not. We have a set of rules specific to our dynamic; some of these are written and others are just passed on orally. These are the guidelines we use to judge progress and the justifications we use for punishments. These are the “Disciplines” of our relationships and the things that define our relationship as being D/s at all. Without protocol we’re in vanilla relationships and any play we do is just that, play. To ignore protocol is to ignore our lifestyle. If we disrespect the protocol of those around us then we are not deserving of their respect in return. My first response to any /s type who is considering submitting is “what is the D/’s protocol for you”. In my opinion this should be established by the dominant before he seeks submission from anyone. When I began this journey I had no idea what D/s protocol was but by the time I had gained enough knowledge and skills that someone was willing to offer me submission, I knew that I owed it to them to provide structure and consistency. It is my opinion that very few D/s relationships happen organically these days and any Dominant or Master who is actively in ownership or seeking to own a submissive, should not be taken seriously if they cannot provide a set of rules and expectations (protocols). These persons have not displayed the basic character of a committed D/ type personality and have done nothing to earn the trust, respect and devotion of a submissive. These persons are good for “role play” at best. Submissives should take caution with these types.
As you see, I have a fairly high standard when it comes to my D/s lifestyle but I challenge everyone who reads this, “SHOULDN’T WE ALL”?
I felt the need write this since I have recently fallen out of attendance in many of the social circles of which I was participating. My strong beliefs in the Dominant’s responsibility to display and impart proper manners, etiquette and protocol, has compelled me to call out some in the community whom I believe to ignore these qualities. Their actions in turn perpetuate drama and dissension amongst the groups. In my passionate pleas with the community I have used terms such as “hypocrite” and “ignorant”. To this I’ve been met with invitations to go apologize and asked to “settle it in private”. I’m not sorry folks; and this is not a private dilemma. We are not holding ourselves to the standard that we demand from others and WE ALL should be called out on it.
When the founding member of a High Protocol society in your community has failed to acknowledge your personal protocol on multiple occasions and allows those under submission to them to post malicious rants on social media. There lies a problem in protocol…
When a group leader is offered evidence that group rules are being broken, an admittance by the offender that they committed the act and that group leader’s response is,” I have not witnessed…or I would have talked with (gender omitted) about it…this will be the last conversation that we have on this matter”. There lies a problem in etiquette…
When patched (D/type) leather club members are allowed to spread derogatory and insulting rumors about someone whom they’ve never interacted, at public social functions mind you. There lies a problem in manners…
I came to this community seeking knowledge, acceptance and fellowship and what I found was something entirely different. I found a community that claims tolerance and acceptance of others that is quick to judge and ridicule in private and sometimes public. I found a community that preaches the importance of knowledge but is not so quick to share it. I’ve found that you’ll get more invitations and instruction if you have a nice pair of breasts, than you will if you have a thirst for knowledge (but that’s more of a universal western societal problem than our community). I’ve found that fellowship comes at a price and sometimes so does knowledge and education. What I truly found is a community that is too afraid of law suits to stand up for each others honor. A community too focused on personal gain to come together and create anything long term and meaningful (like a community center/clubhouse). I found a community that is more worried about popularity than honor. A community that would rather look good to those on the outside looking in, than feel good on the inside looking out. I found that in regards to manners, etiquette, protocol and eventually HONOR, this community doesn’t offer me a whole lot. Those who cared and had the influence to make others behave in an honorable fashion have long since passed the torch and allowed the new guard to become dishonorable and dysfunctional. There are of course exceptions to this but for the influential leadership of our community as a whole, this holds true. I expect a certain amount of ridicule and backlash from my local community for writing this but then again, we’ve already established that those who speak ill of me have no manners and don’t really matter to me. I would rather be shunned for offending the dishonorable then accepted for ignoring their offenses.
I challenge you all, every one of you, to walk with honor.
To hold yourself accountable to the same standards that you require of others.
To teach your house how to show the same manners that we teach our children.
To teach and practice proper etiquette in social settings and quickly inform others when they have offended. (Inform not ridicule)
To create a personal protocol and follow it to the best of your ability, to openly admit when you fail or fall short of the mark but get up with HONOR and continue to strive to be the best you can be.
I challenge you to make yourselves better, your house better, your groups better, your community better.
Uncle Mega
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