When I Became A Man I Put Away Childish Things

Independent Admiral Sir Edward Pellew, based off the Hornblower novels/series and inspired by his historical self. Main blog is @mistahboosh.

[lxrdbeckett]

A fine ship, a large loss, he already knew, he’d destroyed absolutely everything with one moment of emptiness and by the time he was back within himself again, he had realized that, and accepted that he was going to die here amongst the ruins of everything that he had spent so many years building.  All of it was gone, including what was left of him, and yet out of some cruel irony, he was still here.

“I can’t feel,” he said, and that was entirely true - even his body felt numb.  Usually when he was like this, when he felt like he was separated from the rest of him, he couldn’t move or speak, but this was a little different.  He could lift his arm, and see it in front of him, without actually feeling as if he was the one doing it.  Most peculiar - he knew that in any other mindset it would have induced nothing short of terror, but not now, not this time.  He was empty, he was hollow.

“There’s nothing.”

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Edward pursed his lips and then sighed. "Alright. Well I'll have my steward bring you some food and drink. Do you think you can handle some broth and tea?"

He checked Beckett's forehead for heat and grimaced slightly. "Well at least you're awake, but I fear perhaps your bout of infection may not quite be over."

[lxrdbeckett]

|| For @dadmiraledwardpellew, continued from here.

“Murder and bodies I’ve seen my share of, you covered in blood is a surprise to say the least. My apologies I wasn’t able to respond in time to offer assistance.” Cutler spoke like killing a man was the most casual thing in the world. Perhaps he wasn’t wrong, and Edward would know, having war as a full time job. And Beckett was under constant threat, it only made sense he had a plan in place. It was a little relieving to know he could take care of himself in a fight, to some degree at least, not that Edward would ever tell him that. “Do you require medical care my Lord?”

Beckett set the dagger down on the edge of his desk, looking over himself briefly as if it was only the first time that he had taken into account the possibility of injury.  He’d been relatively fortunate this time - no stab wounds, no gunshot holes, only the rather obnoxious bruising around his throat that could be covered up with a cravat (with some effort), no doubt they’d fade away in a few days.  Or weeks.  Hopefully.

“I think I’m quite all right, Captain.”  He said, a small smile tugging at the edges of his lips.  None of it reached his eyes, of course, it was all decorum, always.  “No need to worry yourself.”  That, however, had a touch of irony to it - he knew that there weren’t many people who would actually mind if he died, and that there were quite a few who would be all the gladder for it.  Edward didn’t seem like the type to fake concern, certainly not, but it always was difficult to tell.

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"Good. Then you can help me remove the body." Edward removed his coat and rolled up his shirt sleeves. "Considering your clerk is gone, and I would highly suggest not letting your servants do the job. Some of them are quite the gossip."

He looked to Beckett dully, waiting for a response. He certainly wouldn't remove the body by himself. He could have, but that seemed more work on his behalf than Cutler deserved.

[lxrdbeckett]

“Not every chance, all right?  I can give you that,” Cutler said, too drained and tired to actually smile or laugh (which was rare in its own case).  As for Doughty, no promises could be made - goodness knows the man was like a mother, always hovering over Edward, several steps ahead of him constantly like he knew Edward better than Edward himself did.  

It had been a little disconcerting at first, but Cutler had gotten used to seeing and having him around, even if it did seem like that man could read minds sometimes.

“You should sleep now.”  He raised his head a little, turning back to face Edward - but it seemed that he’d already done just that, or was at least rather close to it.  Cutler couldn’t blame him.  He’d never been unfortunate enough to suffer a heart attack, but he could imagine the pressure and strain it would put on one’s body.

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Edward reached out vaguely, searching for Cutler. "C'mere. Please?"

He wanted Cutler near him, touching him preferably. It had been a long day of panic, tests and pain. "Will you stay? You don't have to but...just for a little while? I would appreciate it."

His eyes were already closed, not wanting to see if Cutler refused. They were steady but not committed and Edward didn't want to push.

[lxrdbeckett]

As much as he absolutely loathed to admit it, Pellew was right.  There really was no use in trying to exert even more results out of a body and mind that were both out of commission, and if anything it was just a complete waste of time for them both.  Beckett could feel the blood running again underneath his multiple layers of clothing, under the bandages - he’d opened the damn wounds again, which meant a lengthened healing time.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Pellew was stuck with him, serving (probably unknowingly) as a constant reminder that he was, again, dragging himself down, and taking everyone else right along with him.

“Damn,” he muttered, closing his eyes and trying to will away the headache that was slowly building, combining with the already constant aching of the wound and magnifying it all on top of that. “Very well, Captain.  I suppose I don’t have much choice in the matter, then again.”

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Pellew pursed his lips as he watched Beckett lay down on the bed. "May I take a look at your wounds? Have you pulled any stitches?"

He masked his concern with polite indifference in his voice. Cutler had been unconscious for nearly a week prior, with bouts of lucidness throughout his infection. His worry felt founded but he didn't know how Cutler would take such a thing.

[lxrdbeckett]

That was true enough, it was obvious that Pellew wasn’t his assailant, but that still did not help much at all in their current situation.  How on earth had someone - someone here - managed to stab him without him even noticing?  Beckett hadn’t indulged very much at all, preferring to keep his wits about him in case something like this were to happen, but it seemed that even that was not precaution enough.

In any other scenario he would have resented being ordered about, but this was very obviously different and his primary concern was to get away from the rest of them - from everyone here, that was.  Surprised that he even had enough focus left, that the fatigue had not fully taken over, Beckett did as was prompted and pressed his hand to the bloody wound, catching Pellew’s arm in a death grip with his other hand.  He doubted that he would be able to balance on his own if the plan (he supposed that’s what it was) involved getting him up and out of there, and as much as he hated it, he would literally have to lean on Pellew for the time being.

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Edward grabbed Cutler under the elbow with that hand that wasn't being used for balance, escorting him out as his expression remained grim. Mercer appeared at their side as they left the room, Doughty meeting them in Cutler's private chambers. Cutler was made to lay across a chaise lounge as Doughty tended to him and Edward paced. "People will realize we're gone soon. The assailant will flee, if they haven't already."

[lxrdbeckett]

“That’s the problem, I usually do,” Beckett said pointedly, hissing in pain then - he’d just been all but tossed around and right now even speaking hurt, but he was alive, at least.  That was a plus.  He was still winning and there was a little bit of smug pride to be found in that - there had been more attempts made on his life than he could count, obviously none of them had succeeded.

“That either means that they’re all dead, or they somehow haven’t noticed,” he grimaced.  That was a problem of its own.  These assassins, whoever they were (it was impossible to tell), were getting smarter - whether it was one person, or many different individuals.  But that could be dealt with later - right now their primary concerns were staying alive and out of range.

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"Lovely. Alright get your jacket and waistcoat off, I need to see that wound before you bleed to death." He loaded his pistol in the meantime, removing his sword from his belt and putting it within easy reach. He cast about for something to use as a bandage, cursing.

[lxrdbeckett]

“Yes, yes, I’m aware that you’re perpetually in a foul mood before seven,” Cutler muttered, closing his eyes and at least trying to get comfortable.  At least Edward wasn’t too bony - and hopefully this way he wouldn’t get literally propelled onto the floor again.  

For a brief moment, the thought of not sleeping and simply lying there solely to spite his accidental bedmate crossed his mind.  However, he was too exhausted to actually carry that out, whether he wanted to admit it or not, and almost immediately fell asleep only seconds later.

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"I'm in a foul mood most of the time, don't stereotype me." Edward grumbled out the words, finding himself spooned around Cutler as he fell asleep.

He woke early the next morning, carefully untangling from the other man to get to the shower. He returned half dressed, announcing himself before entering the room. "I'm mostly decent. Pants on anyways."

[lxrdbeckett]

It was damn near amusing, seeing Pellew in this state - and he didn’t bother to hide his subtle smirk.  No doubt that Pellew wouldn’t notice - either that or he’d not remember a thing the next morning anyways.  

“Is that so?”  Beckett said, tilting his head a little and turning to now fully face Pellew.  Goodness, he certainly wasn’t exactly holding anything back - if it had been any other time but now and any other person but Pellew then surely they would not have dared, most likely out of fear.  Fear that Pellew apparently did not have.  “I suppose I can’t really be surprised.  It’s not uncommon to make enemies in this line of business, you see.”

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"A few certainly but your reputation..." He had always been blunt, straight forward, and Cutler Beckett was no deterrent to that. Drink simply made it less veiled. He shook his head lightly. "Regardless, at least you have the decency to finish your work, unlike some of your other colleagues. Although I would have some words with you all on a whole about 'poaching' some of our sailors."

[lxrdbeckett]

|| For @dadmiraledwardpellew, continued from here.

Edward scoffed and gave a most dramatic eyeroll. “I certainly am not moving him. However…”

He took a seat on Cutler’s desk, leaning over him a touch. “I do believe Colossus has the right idea. What with the napping and avoiding work.”

It wasn’t often Edward could be found to suggest pushing off work. But they were days ahead of schedule and Edward had taken his break some time ago. Cutler however had worked through lunch, as was his usual. He needed a break.

“Well, it’s not as if I have a choice,” Cutler huffed, leaning back into the chair and looking up at Edward with his last few shreds of tired defiance.  He didn’t exactly have a good argument to counter that, not at all - he hadn’t been sleeping, it was worse than usual, and Edward was well aware of it.  There was no hiding things from him - and even if Cutler had tried to, Doughty would find out through some uncanny means or other and before the hour was up Edward would be aware anyways.  “You’re sitting on all of my work.”

Even if he wanted to (he didn’t, not particularly), he wouldn’t have been able to complete it - regardless of the fact that he was well caught up and definitely did not need to overload himself yet again.  And now that he thought of it the idea of sleep was sounding more and more appealing - almost threateningly so, damn it all.

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Edward tossed him a smug little smile, utterly pleased and carefully stroking down Colossus' back, the acceptable place to let the little tyrant without getting bitten or scratched. "You need to eat first. My treat, your choice."

They both knew he hadn't eaten since breakfast, and at that it had been left absently half-finished. And Edward wanted a change of scenery. There was only so much affection he could say or show inside the office.

[lxrdbeckett]

|| For @dadmiraledwardpellew, continued from here.

Edward turned to look at the Lord, a brow raised. The response had been so practiced, so perfectly unemotional that it betrayed the emotion underneath. He let the surveying gaze linger a few moments longer. “You would be surprised, looking at some of the men here. They would beg at the slightest hint of danger.”

He had seen a few of them do so, had escorted a few of them aboard various ships and seen them wilt when a whiff of a battle appeared. Lord Beckett would be the next aristocrat for Pellew to escort. He hoped it would not be a similar experience.

Beckett turned his head, the only change in his absolute mask of an expression being the slightest of smiles - devoid from anything substantial except for perhaps the smallest bit of mirth.  

“Is that so, Captain?”  He appeared, for the most part, disinterested - and that was because this was something he had already known.  Most men fell weak at the first hint of danger, and they did so because they knew they had something to lose and something to fear the loss of.  Beckett did not have either of those and this was not the first time he had decided to think of it, defiantly, as an advantage, even if there was not nearly as much honor in the absence of fear as so many liked to believe.

Now where would all the fun in that be?

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Edward snorted into his wine at Beckett's tiny smirk, very nearly snorted it up his nose if he were quite honest. He took a moment, then a small sip as he decided what to say next. "I hope you'll not be one of them Lord Beckett. I have my orders but I'll not forgo my men a possible prize should it arise. I trust you can stomach a battle?"

It would not be politic to gossip about some of the others in the room. Not here at least. Once they were out to sea, then he could say his opinions freely.

[lxrdbeckett]

“I am very much capable of socializing, thank you,” Cutler said, brushing off his jacket as if he was a very ruffled bird smoothing down his feathers, or a cat neatly lowering its previously-raised hackles.  Both analogies weren’t that far off, quite honestly.

“Actually, I don’t think I will bring anything with me.”  Whether this was a decision made purely to spite Edward’s comment or actually a result of him feeling as if his brain had been beaten half to death, he would never know.  There wasn’t exactly any use in second guessing it, anyways.

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"That's questionable but a miracle so I'll take it." Edward rolled his eyes and held the door for Beckett. "Where to? You're the picky one. I'll drive."

Cutler could have drove, but Edward liked to drive his girl and he had some reservations about Cutler being able to reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel. He gave Doughty instructions to take messages while he was gone as he left, not that he needed them. "Coming Beckett?"

[lxrdbeckett]

“Oh,” Cutler said, numbly, because he definitely hadn’t thought of that - that it was safer here at work, yes, that did make sense, and he did feel terribly stupid.  “No, don’t - don’t apologize, Edward, it’s not your fault, none of it - none of it is.”  He was tripping over his own words now as a drunkard would their own feet.  

Helplessly, he looked around him - he wasn’t even sure what he was looking for, a coat, a chair, any place where Edward could lay down and rest comfortably.  “Regardless,” he said, eventually, trying to at least pretend that his composure wasn’t completely frayed and falling to pieces, “you should rest while you’re here - at least a little, anyways.”

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"I don't suppose you have a wall bed in your office?" Edward sidestepped Cutler delicately and moved toward the office break room. He needed...something. Doughty would bring him food soon, but he needed something to occupy his hands. He reached for the tea before setting it aside and moving to the coffee maker to make a fresh batch. Something to hit his system a little faster, even if it certainly wasn't his preferred drink. "Did anything happen here that I should know about?"

He paused then, realizing how long he'd been silent for and that Cutler may have simply walked off. A sigh left his mouth but he didn't bother to turn around and check.

[bo-regards-search-history]

Whats my relationship with my muse?

The PTA Mom: Ironically/unironically thinks their muse has done nothing wrong ever in their life uwu. (Especially if the muse has done something wrong)

The Cowboy: has to always keep wrangling their muse back from doing stupid shit. Catchphrase- “[name] I s2g if you do this” and “FUCK”

The Cheerleader: “you’re doing great sweetie!” supportive of whatever the muse does. Similar to the PTA Mom but actually deserves it, especially if the muse is a big ol cinnamon roll.

The Torturer: keeps putting their muse in the w o r s t situations. Seriously I think they’ve had enough. Pls. 

The Mirror: mun is the muse and is either a) calling themselves out on their own shit or b) is a combination of the Mirror and the Torturer. 

The Cinnamon Squared: both muse and mun are big ol floof cakes. Too sweet to handle. Mun never finds it hard for their muse to be nice because the mun themself is nice.

The Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing: Mun is sooo nice while the muse, well, they’re kind of an asshole (but u didn’t hear it from me)

The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing: Mun is not necessarily mean. Just mean to their muse. Similar to The Torturer except the muse is more innocent. Definitely does not deserve what’s coming to them.

The Jester: Puts muse in any situation that’ll most likely end up being the funniest.

The Passenger: Muse has a mind of their own and the Mun is really the one along for the ride. Similar to the cowboy but less freaked out about what the muse does. 

The Champion: Their muse always comes out on top. I dunno how you do it. But it happens

The Deadly: Similar to the Torturer except Mun straight up kills their muse. Has revival abilities, though. Makes the Mun more powerful, but crazier.

Bonus: make one up and send it in!

[lxrdbeckett]

Cutler sighed heavily, leaning back against his chair and passing his hand over his face.  He’d not slept for the past three days - ever since Edward had vanished without so much as a word of notification beforehand, the staff had all been in a complete state of panic.  And for good reason, too - the information that they handled was of prime importance, to say the very least, and it placed a target on all of their backs.

“You shouldn’t have come in today,” he said, opening his eyes again at last.  “Not when…not while you’re still recovering, anyways.”

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"Yes well, I was grabbed at home and until security there is ramped up, I felt far more comfortable coming to work." Edward could see the exhaustion in Cutler's eyes and it was mirrored in his own body. "I'm sorry for worrying you."

He wanted to sit down. He wanted to sit at his desk and sleep. Or just keel over in general perhaps. He hadn't decided yet.

[lxrdbeckett]

"It's better to die fighting than cowering in a corner." -dadmiraledwardpellew

|| Random Sentence Starters

“Words to live by indeed, Captain.”  Had that been an underhanded jab, perhaps, a cleverly disguised insult towards him?  There was no way of telling anything for certain, of course, not when it was all blanketed under the veil of politeness, but Beckett had to agree nevertheless.  He had, after all, done both before, his dignity had been stripped away from him years ago and he’d not forgotten that, but that was before he had learned to use his claws.  

Vulnerability was what had lowered him to that point, vulnerability had been his undoing and the key for his enemies, and he would be damned if he ever let himself get to that point again - he would sooner blow his own brains out, with the very pistol that was meant to defend him.

@dadmiraledwardpellew

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Edward turned to look at the Lord, a brow raised. The response had been so practiced, so perfectly unemotional that it betrayed the emotion underneath. He let the surveying gaze linger a few moments longer. "You would be surprised, looking at some of the men here. They would beg at the slightest hint of danger."

He had seen a few of them do so, had escorted a few of them aboard various ships and seen them wilt when a whiff of a battle appeared. Lord Beckett would be the next aristocrat for Pellew to escort. He hoped it would not be a similar experience.

[lxrdbeckett]

"Why are you like this?" (Very sarcastically) -dadmiraledwardpellew

|| Random Sentence Starters

“Because you know you love me for it,” Cutler replied evenly, without even looking up once.  He knew better than to take it personally, just as he was sure that Edward knew, because their banter and volleying of quasi-insults back and forth to each other was all in good fun, they both were rather too argumentative for their own good.  

Eventually pushing aside the massive pile of paperwork that took up half of the desk (and the very grumpy, stubby-legged cat that had fallen asleep on top of it), Cutler leaned forwards a little, his eyebrows slightly raised in mock-innocence, but also in a challenge.  “If it makes you happy, I’m not going to be getting anything else done.”  

As if to emphasize this he looked pointedly over (and up, to a degree) at Colossus, who was sitting on the aforementioned anything else - because there was no way in hell that either of them were going to move that cat.

@dadmiraledwardpellew

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

Edward scoffed and gave a most dramatic eyeroll. "I certainly am not moving him. However..."

He took a seat on Cutler's desk, leaning over him a touch. "I do believe Colossus has the right idea. What with the napping and avoiding work."

It wasn't often Edward could be found to suggest pushing off work. But they were days ahead of schedule and Edward had taken his break some time ago. Cutler however had worked through lunch, as was his usual. He needed a break.

[erinthevampire-deactivated20240]

Times of War (closed with dadmiraledwardpellew)

[erinthevampire-deactivated20240]

dadmiraledwardpellew:

“I’m sorry to hear of your loss. But I am glad to hear you’re not stuck in the past. At some point, one must move on from deaths. I know that firsthand.” Edward relaxed a little and closed his eyes for a long moment. He let himself look out at the gardens for a moment after that. He patted Lady Olenko’s hand gently and gave her a gentle smile. “Will you be in Gibraltar long mi’lady? It would be a pleasure to see you again.”

Erin nodded at his words and smiled when he touched her hand. He was a nice and charming man for sure. “Not long I’m afraid. Next week I’m leaving to Bath, I miss my place there and the city is boiling with excitement these days.”

She sighed, “Perhaps we could have some tea tomorrow afternoon if you are not otherwise engaged? And of course, you are invited to come and visit me in Bath. The place lately has been crowded with military men, specially high ranks such as yourself.”

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

“I would be honoured Lady Olenko. And should be duties allow I would happy to continue our acquaintance in Bath. I’m afraid I can’t say when that will be, given the nature of my duties.” Edward turned back towards the party a little and frowned slightly. “I suppose it would only be polite to maintain appearances and not leave quite this early into the night wouldn’t it?”

[erinthevampire-deactivated20240]

She opened the small purse she was carrying and handed him a small card. “There’s my address in Bath and London and I’m staying at the Savoy during my stay here.” She chuckled and took his arm, “I have a better idea, why don’t we go outside and walk by the shore? I’m sure it’s much more pleasant than this hot place and I doubt your colleagues will mind if you exchange their company for mine.”

[dadmiraledwardpellew]

"I believe they might be rather jealous of me." Edward chuckled softly, taking the card and then offering his arm to Lady Olenko. "But I do believe that to be a good idea."

He couldn't help but look over her, take her in. She seemed to rise and glow as they prepared to leave. She was a force of her own and Edward felt drawn to her, the way he did to the sea herself. He drew closer to her as a result, smiling a little.