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J.S. PARK

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When you love someone you protect them from the pain, you don’t become the cause of it.

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“I guess they're called moments because they don't last very long.” ― Sarra Manning

Typing this because no one will see it.

Today, I feel lost. I feel pain… I’m broken… I don’t belong. I wonder if this is because I’m not where I’m supposed to be in life. Is it because of my choices in life that had caused me to feel this way?

I don’t feel love… I don’t feel warmth. I feel, nothing. It’s like a black hole, I’ve fallen into. I cry feeling like my heart is broken.

That feeling when you know you have family and friends but you don’t feel like they exist. I have no one. No matter how many times I can express myself… I have no one.

I feel worthless, cold, broken, pain, empty.

It’s days like this where I don’t want to be here anymore. Days like this where I wish it would end. Everyone has different struggles, no one is similar. No one has my struggles. Childhood, adult hood, everything bad that could happen has happened to me. I’ve lost people, I’ve seen death, I feel pain every day. Maybe it’s a sign that I really am empty. That I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t know - then again… who knows.

I dream of things I wish I had… and when I wake up I feel alone.

As I type this, I hope no one close to me sees this and sees the pain I’m feeling. I keep it to myself and bottle it up, in hopes that I won’t revisit.

I’m nearing the end of my life, I can’t live it anymore. I hate to hurt my family and friends but I’m hurting badly inside. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to be here.

No one should feel what I feel. It’s painful as it is. I have notes in place for when the time comes. To show my love and wishes to the people I hold very close and dear to my heart.

- d.e.j.