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Netanyahu and PLO leader Abbas to appear in Celebrity Masterchef

by Danny SoZ

In a surprise move, the BBC has announced that the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, and the head of The Palestinian Liberation Organisation, Mahmoud Abbas, will be pitting their culinary skills against each other in the forthcoming series of Celebrity Masterchef.

The two sworn enemies will put aside their differences and line up alongside 18 other celebs, including, Dolly Parton's sister, Stella, ex-England rugby union star, Martin Bayfield, and, Gemma Collins from The Only Way Is Essex. Netanyahu is believed to be making a matzo ball soup, while Abbas has opted for a spicy donner kebab with lettuce, tomatoes, chopped onions and chilli sauce. A BBC spokesman told newsmen: "This is a wonderful opportunity for the two leaders to take a break from the conflict over the occupied territories for a few weeks. "The competition will be fierce but we're not expecting any trouble. However, they'll both be patted down for concealed weapons and bombs before the off" Both men will be following in the footsteps of their predecessors, Yasser Arafat and Yitzhak Shamir, who appeared together in an ill-tempered 1990 episode of The Generation Game, during which, host Bruce Forsythe had to step in as both men attacked each other with objects from the conveyor belt.

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London’s Lost Tradesmen: The Ropefarters of Rotherhithe

by Danny SoZ

In the early 1900s, all of Britain’s newly-manufactured nautical ropes were sent to Rotherhithe in south-east London, where highly skilled artisans would season the raw hemp by passing wind over the coiled ropes in specially designed sheds, or, Gruff Houses, as they were known.

Each Ropefarter would eat up to 12 tins of beans and 3lbs of Brussel sprouts before each 11-hour shift and would often expel up to 600 atmospheres of gas during that time. That’s enough to inflate an average hot air balloon 5-times. The Ropefarters were eventually made redundant by the shipping companies when residents in neighbouring Bermondsey complained about the noise and smell after a number of young children and elderly people died from asphyxiation during a 24-hour shift on a blisteringly hot day in July 1903. Source: The Ripsnorter and Botty Burp Guide 1907

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Thames lighthouse keeper: My steamy romps with ship's primus stove

by Danny SoZ

The keeper of the Thames Automatic Lightvessel, anchored at Trinity Wharf in London's Docklands, has told Dafty News that he indulged in weekly sex sessions with the primus stove that he uses to cook his nightly suppers.

Toby Dell, 57, has been the keeper on board the floating lighthouse since 1985, leaving the confines of the ship just once in 1994 when the weekly supply launch couldn't deliver his provisions due to bad weather, forcing Mr Dell to swim to the quayside to pick up a sliced loaf and some rolls of toilet paper. Dell told us: "It began one night shortly after Christmas in 1993. "I'd had a long day switching the light on and off and decided to make a cup of tea. "As I lit the primus, I suddenly noticed how damnably attractive it was and I felt the first stirrings of arousal. "I left it for a few nights and then made my move. I'm ashamed to admit that I put some of my rum ration in the stove's gas bottle and waited for the grog to take effect. "I began running my hands over the burner and the gas nozzle and started to breathe heavily when my fondling met with no resistance. "Before I knew it, we were rolling around naked together in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. "After that, we spent every available hour together when I wasn't switching the light on and off and would tumble into bed in the early hours after I'd submitted my weather report to the BBC Shipping Forecast. They were the happiest months of my life, no question." Mr. Dell then broke down and wept as he told of how it all ended in tears of bitter recrimination when he had a brief drunken fling with the ironing board after a night on the Tennant's Super and Sambuca depth charges.

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Facebook man lapses into deep coma after entire friends list puts him in 'snooze' mode

by Danny SoZ

A 53-year-old Glasgow man has slipped into a coma after the 387 people on his Facebook friends list opted out of seeing his posts by using the '30-day snooze' function.

Tobias McDell, a mini-cab driver from Maryhill, was last night being cared for at home by his wife, Tracy, who told us: "The doctor told me that it's down to the cumulative effect of being put on snooze by all his Facebook pals. "To be honest, I don't blame them. He's a right boring bastard who just goes on constantly about his ailments and his allotment. I actually binned him from my list years ago. "He also posts frequent pictures of his dinner and our new grandchild. Who, with the best will in the world, looks like f*****g Benny Hill." A Facebook spokesperson told us last night: "We've had a lot of this lately. Especially among people who post their gym workout routines or who openly support Donald Trump."

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Jacob Rees-Mogg proposes post-Brexit 'Brit-O-Vision' song contest

by Danny SoZ

Controversial Brexit hard-liner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, told the House of Commons yesterday, that after Britain pulls out of the EU, the United Kingdom should also withdraw from the Eurovision song contest and hold its own, Brit-O-Vision version in its place.

Rees-Mogg told The House: "I don't see how we can present ourselves as a truly independent sovereign nation while we're still taking part in an event in which the balance is clearly tipped heavily in favour of the Europeans. "Year in, year out, our songs and performers are head and shoulders above those of the foreigners, and yet, we end up right down the bottom of the table when the votes are counted. "It's humiliating to see our great nation humbled by people that didn't know how to use a knife and fork or understand the rules of croquet until we conquered and civilised them. "Brit-O-Vision would feature all-British acts and good old British songs, like, Jerusalem, Land of Hope and Glory, and My Old Man's A Dustman. "Something to stir our British blood and to remind us of memorable moments in this proud nation's history. "I want to invoke the spirit of 1971 when we stood alone and Lulu swept aside Johnny Foreigner with her stirring rendition of Boom Bang-A-Bang" Rees-Mogg came under fire last week for suggesting that the Channel Tunnel should be boarded up and that the Eurostar rail service should be renamed, Anglostar, with all the trains running from Oxford and terminating at Dover.

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Grown man on electric skateboard gloriously unaware of his own twattery

by Danny SoZ

A middle-aged man rode a motorised skateboard through Hyde Park in central London yesterday afternoon, blissfully unaware that he looked a complete and utter twat.

The unidentified overweight man, wore a purple vest, long, off-white shorts, and grey ankle socks with leather open-toed sandals as he blithely trundled along Rotton Row looking like an ocean-going bellend of the very highest order. One eyewitness, Toby Dell, a 34-year-old steel-fixer from Whitechapel in East London, told us: "What a complete plank he looked. The wife and I absolutely fell about when he came sailing towards us. "I wanted to give him a few slaps, but the missus told me to leave it and that he wasn't worth it" His wife, Tracy, 29, was also scathing: "He looked a complete plonker to be honest. If Toby ever pulled a stroke like that I'd divorce him, no question. "With the benefit of hindsight, I should probably have let Toby give him a straightener. Soppy daft sod" The recent spell of warm weather in the capital has provided a number of similar examples of prime twattery; including a fat white man in Bow, who wore a West Ham football shirt to do the shopping, and a middle-aged greengrocer from Bethnal Green who heaped shame on himself and his family by tooling unsteadily along Mile End Road wearing roller blades and a crash helmet.

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British parliamentary debates are settled by knife fights claims Trump

by Danny SoZ

Following his controversial assertion that London hospitals are like 'war zones' as a result of people 'stabbing, stabbing, stabbing' each other, US President, Donald Trump, has now made the claim that British politicians often conclude debates by attacking one another with knives.

Speaking to members of the NRA in Maine, Trump told supporters: "The Brits criticise the 2nd Amendment and question our right to carry arms, but they need to put their own house in order first. "I have it on good authority that their parliament is a really terrible place for knife fights. "When they can't get their own way they just stab each other until the cops arrive to break it up. Sad. "When I met Theresa May the last time, she had quite a few knife scars on her face where that Corbyn guy had pulled a shank on her during a debate. "Maybe if these guys were allowed to carry firearms things would be a little different over there. A Labour Party guy with a knife is no match for a Conservative with an AK47, my friends" Trump's comments have been met with outrage and derision in this country, with one MP threatening to "carve him up" when the president visits Britain in July, while the Speaker of The House of Commons, John Bercow, told reporters that if Trump sets foot in the debating chamber he would order members to pull his trousers down, bend him over the division bench and "stripe his arris" with an open razor.

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Being kicked in the testicles is far more painful than childbirth claims think tank

by Danny SoZ

A government think tank report out yesterday reveals that a man who has been kicked hard in the testicles experiences significantly more pain than a woman giving birth to an average size baby.

Dr Tobias Dell, PhD, who headed the study, told newsmen: "Over the course of 6 months, a number of men were given a really meaty kick in the testicles while their pain level was being monitored on a special machine designed specifically for the task. "We then asked them if the pain and distress they experienced was worse than childbirth, and without exception, they all agreed that it was indeed far worse. "We didn't ask any women for their comments because, as we all know, they are notoriously prone to exaggeration and for laying it on with a trowel to gain sympathy" These findings come just weeks after a study by Cambridge University concluded that the toilet seat should always be left up after use, and that talking or hoovering during televised soccer matches is right up there with infanticide and terrorism. If you're a woman and you wish to raise any issues connected to this piece, our advice is to get to work on reducing that pile of ironing and to concentrate a bit more on knowing your ruddy place - Ed.

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'Brazen' Scottish woman thrown off London tube train following eye contact drama

by Danny SoZ

A 23-year-old Glasgow woman was escorted from a train by rail staff on London's District Line yesterday morning after a number of passengers complained that she had made repeated eye contact with them.

Tracy McDell, a solicitor's clerk who is in London visiting friends, was bundled from the carriage at Whitechapel station and dragged up two flights of stairs before being thrown into the street. One passenger, who was on the train when the incident took place, told newsmen: "This woman boarded at Victoria and immediately started making eye contact with people opposite and even with passengers who were standing close to the doors. "It was so brazen. Some people had to hide behind newspapers or bury their faces in their phones. I even saw one man leave the carriage at Temple to get away from her. I'm pretty certain he was crying." Transport For London issued a brief statement last night: "Eye contact, whether it's on the tube network or our bus and network rail services, will not be tolerated. "We urge passengers to report anybody who looks up from the ground, or stops pretending to read the overhead ads in order to make eye contact with other passengers, to a member of our staff immediately so that the necessary steps can be taken." This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after a 30-year-old man from the north of England was thrown off a moving bus in Pimlico, West London, by a TFL ticket inspector after fellow passengers complained that he'd said good morning to an elderly woman he had just sat down next to.

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May 2018 Horrorscopes With Steffi’s Stars

Find out what this month is going to be like for all you lovers of the zodiac. Will everything be aligned with your wishes or will it be all uphill as usual?

Picking up the pieces from last month won’t be easy but as typical Aries will know: full steam ahead with little left for error. This month is perfect for not letting anyone get in your way so don’t be afraid to use violence where necessary.

Yet again another disappointing month but what did you expect? Lottery wins, good health and fortune and everything to fall neatly into place? Try next month.

Ever the optimist and boy will you need that philosophy this month more so than any other. Get ready for the summer season but don’t expect any rays of sunshine. Granted, you might see some in the weather department but certainly not in your life. Deal with it!

This month you will be busy doing nothing. Keep your head down and don’t dare raise it until June because there are so many swinging balls right now in your life you might just get hit – several times. Don’t worry about May; your time will come in June. Not sure what year but your time is June.

Always look for the unexpected because if you don’t, the unexpected will be looking for you. If it is your weight and finances you are concerned about try not to worry too much because neither will shift the way you want them to shift. Hard luck.

A super month this month all the way through until December 2014 but sadly, not for you Virgo people. Sweat it out just like the rest of us and stop trying to hide from your responsibilities.

If ever there was a need to book a holiday for Librans it HAS to be now. Getting away from it all is a must for you but be warned: no matter how far you get away from your troubles they will always be close by your side. Unlucky in love? Don’t expect any changes buddy.

Scorpions really do get a hard time of it and nothing is showing that anything is about to get better. Deal with your life the way you would deal a pack of cards – just hope for the best.

Your life’s circumstances will come under scrutiny this month more than any other month. Just carry on as if nothing happened. Honestly, what is in store for you this month you would be best to heed this advice.

Crap months bring out the worst in us and this month will be no different for you Capricorns out there. Got any scores to settle this month? Then don’t be afraid to use everything you’ve got to get your way.

If Looking at your stars this month you might be thinking we have let you off lightly but we have been kind to you and only given you half a disaster, half of this month. Next month will be different though.

Have you ever had a problem or a bunch of problems that just won’t go away? Well, don’t think they will this month pal. You’ve been had, big time. We’ll try and make next month lighter for you but for now, you will just have to suffer the month of May. Read the full article

Vatican hails miracle as BBC TV listings appear on local man's penis

by Danny SoZ

The Vatican are set to beatify a Glasgow man after last Tuesday's TV listings appeared on his penis.

The 52-year-old man, Toby Dell, a forklift truck salesman from Maryill, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder. "I couldn't believe it," he told Dafty News. "The BBC telly listings just appeared on my nob as if by magic. "They were all there, both BBC 1 and 2, although BBC 4 wasn't on it, probably because it's on cable. "I had a look on the underside to see if the ITV programmes were on there but it was bare. "It came in handy that evening as my missus had forgotten to get a paper so we just checked my cory to see what was on next." The Vatican now plan to have Mr. Dell beatified as a bringer of miracles, alongside Mother Theresa, Pope John Paul II, and roly-poly BBC Radio London presenter, Vanessa Feltz, who, in 2002, had the entire week's Christmas TV schedule, including satellite and cable listings, appear on one of the cheeks of her arse.

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Lulu held after post-match violence breaks out at St Johnstone as Jags salvage a point

by Danny SoZ

Glaswegian 60s pop icon and lifelong Partick Thistle fan, Lulu, was arrested and charged with affray and assault with a deadly weapon yesterday after she launched a frenzied sword and hatchet attack on a group of rival fans following the Jags 1-1 draw with fellow high-flyers, St Johnstone.

The 103-year-old singer spoke to Dafty News from outside her 2-bedroom home close to the Jags training ground at Maryhill Park: "I couldnae stand the disappointment o' dropping 2 mair points to they bastarts. Ah'd had a swally or tae o' the big boay's ginger and ah suppose ah just lost ma heid. "It was bad enough when we lost 5-nil tae the fuckin' bhoys efter we'd hit the woodwork 27 times in injury time, but this yin was too hard tae stomach, so ah piled into some o' they St Johnstone neds wi' mah weapons so ah did. "Aye and ah'd dae it agin the morrer if ah had the chance so ah wuid. If it wasnae fer the jailers I'd have given one or tae a wee holiday in yon infirmary ah'm thinkin'" The singer appears in court on Monday morning where she will plead guilty to all charges and ask for 17 appalling hit records to be taken into consideration.

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The inevitability of death offers new hope for back pain sufferers

by Danny SoZ

Millions of people who suffer from chronic back pain were breathing a sigh of relief last night as a statement issued by The Royal College of Surgeons gave assurances that their long-term suffering would come to an end immediately after they had passed away.

Speaking at a press conference, a spokesman for the RCS said: "A recent study at our research facility has concluded that back pain will definitely end when you die. Until that time comes, you're just going to have to chow down on the opioids and suck it up I'm afraid." It is estimated, that across the United Kingdom, over a million working days a year are lost due to people calling in sick with back pain, especially when the sun unexpectedly makes an appearance, and also during the iconic horse racing event, The Cheltenham Festival.

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Survey: 99% of people want wedding vow-renewers to be whipped to death

by Danny SoZ

A recent survey by The University of Swansea has found that 99% of the people who responded to their nationwide survey would be in favour of having people who renew their wedding vows whipped to death in public.

Professor Tobias Del, PhD, told newsmen, "Our survey was utterly conclusive. 99% wanted these people whipped to death and the remaining 1% wished they had been drowned in a bucket shortly after birth. "People were overwhelmingly of the opinion that these individuals are attention-seeking dullards who are trying to kid themselves, as well as their family and friends, that their marriage is so idyllic that they want to go through the whole wretched process again, when in actual fact, their lives and their marriage is in utter shit state but they don't want anyone else knowing it." These latest findings seem to back up a recent study by Oxford University which found that people who embark on a 2nd honeymoon in an attempt to 'rekindle that lost spark' are deluded arse nuggets.

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Kate already back in training for next fight

by Danny SoZ

The Duchess of Cambridge returned to the gym yesterday just 24 hours after giving birth to her 3rd baby in a London hospital.

Kate, 36, arrived at The Thomas A Beckett gym in Old Kent Road yesterday afternoon and spent 3 hours on the speedball, the heavy bag and the pads before sparring 6 rounds with a local ABA middleweight champion. Gym owner, Toby "The Bethnal Green Bomber" Dell, 56, told us: "Kate seemed in good shape, all things considered. Some of the snap had gone out of her punches and her timing was slightly off, but with a few more rounds of sparring under her belt, she'll be back to full sharpness. "The kid was raring to go and even asked me to toughen up her abs and obliques with some medicine ball floorwork, but I told her it was probably a bit too soon after having a new sprog" Kate, who has a perfect record of 15 - 0, all by way of knockout, is hoping for a British Super-Middleweight title shot against the undefeated Scot, Stephanie "The Glasgae Iron" Hamilton, later this year.

Kate Middleton to take on Glasgow hard girl and undefeated Stephanie "The Glasgae Iron" Hamilton In other related news, former 3-times WBC Super-Heavyweight Champ, Sarah "Lights Out" Ferguson, announced her retirement from the ring after the Duchess retired on her stool in the 10th round in a bloody and bruising encounter last Saturday night at Caesar's Palace against former WBO champion, "Killer" Camilla Parker-Bowles.

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Posting political messages on Facebook have no effect or influence on government policy whatsoever claims shock report

by Danny SoZ

A recent survey conducted by Cambridge University has revealed that people who habitually post messages on Facebook, that make a political point or illustrates their own worldview, have absolutely no effect on government policy whatsoever.

Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, told newsmen: "Our findings are absolutely conclusive. People who routinely ram their political views down the throats of people on their Facebook friends list have zero effect on the political climate and would be far better served by keeping their opinions to themselves. "While it is understood that these individuals believe they are making a difference, in fact, they are not and are merely coming across as irritating fucknuts with too much time on their hands." This report comes just a week after an Oxford University study revealed that people who post pictures of their dinners or hideous kids on their timelines deserve to be run over by a spiked steamroller.

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Wife has to search on Wikipedia to find out when her husband will return home from the pub

by Kat Ziegel

A nagging wife from the Cotswolds in England finally gave up asking her husband what time he will be returning home from the pub and resorted to looking for the answer on Wikipedia; it has been revealed.

Speaking exclusively to our reporters, the angry 49-year-old long-suffering wife cried: "I never know what time he (husband) will crawl through the door. "I only ask him what time, roughly, he will be home after an all-day session down at his local because I need to prepare his dinner and a clean ironed shirt for his work the next day. "His mates can't tell me, their wives have no clue either, so I had no option but to search online for the answer." A Wikipedia spokesperson confirmed a number of searches were made from a concerned housewife from the Cotswold area looking for the answers to when her husband will be returning home from the pub. It's not the first time a wife has looked to the internet to find an answer her husband can't give her. In June 2016 a wife asked Yahoo Answers if her husband was just acting stupid and immature or if he was really a bit thick.

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