Dear Diary

The inner thoughts of a 23 year old, just trying to figure herself out ...

[dailydiarydear-blog]

Let's catch up

So much has gone on since I last wrote something in January. To be honest, I'm only writing right now because I'm happy. I'm dating someone new, and it scares the crap out of me. He likes me for me. We're both still figuring it out, but it's actually going well. 3 dates in, I can see a future with him. Not necessarily marriage or anything, just.. I can see myself dating him. He pushes me to come out of my shell. He pushes me to break down my walls. I think that's what scares me.. Is I'm letting myself open up so much, so fast. And I just hope it's not all for nothing. But I like him, and I'm happy. Being clinical leader is stressful. I'm still getting used to Monday - Friday work life. But it's going well. My only downfall in life right now is my weight. I keep talking about it, but I'm not doing any action. I'm still so unmotivated and I can't find that motivation. I feel myself getting bigger. I see it in photos. I hate how I let myself go.

[dailydiarydear-blog]

2016

I haven’t written in a while.

A lot has been going on since my birthday. 

I haven’t seen Eric since my birthday. I haven’t picked up my stuff. We both need the distance. I’m over him. We’re trying to be friends. I think he needs someone like me in his life, someone to support him and encourage him. I’m good though. He stresses me out at times, but that’s only because he crosses the ‘friends’ line, ie. sends nudes on snap chat. But we’re in a decent place. I’m not heartbroken anymore.

My love life hasn’t been anything special since Eric. I tried to date, but nothings worked out. I’m not like, yearning for anyone at the moment. I’m okay though. I’m good on my own. I’m definitely closed off, but that’s to be expected.

Work has been stressful. I’ve been doing a kick ass job as Co-Ordinating RN, but now they’re getting rid of my position and having 1 Clinical Leader. I interview for it on Thursday. I want it, but I won’t be upset if I don’t get it. I think I’d take a break from CVH to be honest, if I don’t get it. Let them realize that an asset they just lost.

I’m going to apply for my Masters Degree. I decided only to apply to 1 school, just to give it a shot. If not, next year is the plan. Next year when I’m more set and ready. This was last minute, but we’ll see.

I just came back from a Vegas/LA trip with the Meas. Goddamn my family is messed up. Ate Mabeth is having a child and is going to live in Canada, wtf.

My mental status has been okay. I haven’t needed to write. I’ve been keeping busy. Only thing I’m concerned with is my weight. I’ve put on more and more weight. I need to lose some, for my own health reasons.

Blah.

Back to finishing my application paper ... 

[dailydiarydear-blog]

Break up.

Me and Eric are done, done.

We’ve been “done” for a while now. But we kept going back to each other. But this week, things changed. 

Now all I want to do is get all my shit from this mother fucker’s place, but of course he’s ignoring my calls.

Like fuck off. I’m not trying to get back with you. I just want to get the last of my stuff so I don’t have any reason to go back to his place.

I’m angry.

I’m alone.

I’m sad.

I’m hurt.

I’m broken.

I don’t even want to date anymore. Like I just give up.

I have to learn to be single again. Learn to be on my own. Learn not to need the company of a random man, just for the sake of not being alone.

[dailydiarydear-blog]

24.

Yesterday I turned 24. I've been so surrounded by love, but I feel so alone. I feel so empty. I haven't written in a while. Where do I start? Well, last week I had my appointment with the Gyno. I don't have cancer. I have an abnormally normal cervix. But no lumps. I wanted to cry I was so relieved. I was crying all night prior/ morning of. So relieved. So blessed. My prayers were answered. The bluejays almost made the playoffs. Daddy bought us tickets for Game 5. I worked all weekend. We went axethrowing Sunday night. I was drunk. All my "best friends" were there, the night was a blur though. Monday I went to the Leafs game with Eric. We kept it platonic, acted as friends... Until we got into bed to sleep. We had sex. And again in the morning. I just wanted him. I stayed the night and waited for him to come home on Tuesday. And then yesterday was my birthday. It was lonely. Parents weren't here. I didn't wake up to that type of love, you know? I did laundry and slept all day. Took the Asian family out to dinner. Then dinner with my "best friends" again. I was upset Eric didn't come last night. I wanted him there. He made me feel bad that he didn't come axethrowing. But he fell asleep. Anyways. My brother described it well. I was surrounded by so many people to celebrate my birthday, but none of substance. Although Camille made my cry. With her card and her gift. It was thoughtful, meaningful. And today I've just felt so down. I met someone off tinder this morning for coffee. It was horrible. His photos were from 5 years ago. All I could think about was "how the fuck do I always get the crazies?" But yeah. Just felt depressed and sad all day. I do think a big part of it is because of Eric. He didn't get me a gift (yet). Blah. Happy freaking birthday.

[my-teen-quote]

[therelatableimages]

[dailydiarydear-blog]

I haven't written in a while...

[dailydiarydear-blog]

We talked about children today. We talked about getting married and having a family. We talked about how that's not what he wants, but it's what I want. I left his place angry and upset. I met with Camille right after. She told me her and Justin broke up for good. Part of me knows I should end things with Eric. Part of doesn't want to be lonely. Part of me wants to be able to show him off on my birthday. All of me knows I'm not happy. We want different things. We know we won't end up together. But I can't be without him right now. But I deserve better. Gah. I don't know.

[dailydiarydear-blog]

I don't understand myself. When I'm with Eric, I understand why we shouldn't be together. I feel the distance. I feel the disconnect. I feel the emptiness. But when I'm not with Eric, he's all I want. He's all I can think about. I just want to hear him. See his name pop up on my phone. I don't get it. Part of me thinks I love Eric. But he doesn't bring those butterflies I know I've felt before. But our mental connection is deeper than anything I've ever felt before. Blah. I don't understand myself. But right now, Eric is all I want.

[therelatableimages]

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[animalsnaps]

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[dailydiarydear-blog]

Day 164

So a lot has happened in the couple weeks I've been MIA. Maybe I haven't felt the need to blog because I've been able to handle everything on my own. You know, didn't need to type it out to understand what's going on in my head. I'm currently laying in bed sick. I feel so gross. Sore throat, fever, body pains .. And I'm currently freaking out about my period being late. I had this gut feeling last week that I was pregnant. I don't know why. But I told myself I'd wait until my period to see. I am on birth control. But Eric has cum inside me on the days it's placebo / prior to my period. Keeping my fingers crossed I get it in the next couple days. I started the Charge Nurse role. Well, I completed my orientation. But I got thrown into it when Kristin felt sick and left early. It's a hectic job. I can see some days being very overwhelming. I'm excited for Friday though. Excited to start. I just hope I feel better by then. Now my favourite topic to write about ... Eric. Me and him are in a weird position. We had a talk last week. About how we care for each other, but something is missing. He said there's no chemistry. I think he used the wrong word. But this mainly came from him not being able to cum with me, like ever. It bugs him and it bugs me. He said I'm not crazy enough for him. I told him how I don't get pleasure when he goes down on me because I know he doesn't like it. I told him he's selfish. We cleared the air. But we didn't know what to do next. We didn't know how to continue, "us." I met his friend Andy on Sunday. Eric annoyed me though. Instead of me staying over he slept at his parents place. We still talk. I'm just not sure what's next. I want him around for my birthday. I told him my parents are going to the Philippines for 3 weeks. He made a comment about finally being able to sleep in my bed. Funny, when I first went over to his place last week, he said "let's make a baby." I don't know what I'd do if I'm pregnant. I can see Eric's family being supportive. I can see us having a cute ass baby. But then there goes my goals. We'd be a broken family. We already decided we knew we weren't meant to be together. Blah this is stressing me out.

[dailydiarydear-blog]

Day 162

its been a minute since i wrote something meaningful on here.

a lot has happened. a lot has been going on.

maybe i’ll blog tomorrow. i was close to crying today. im still empty.

[animalsnaps]

[animalsnaps]

[dailydiarydear-blog]

It's been a week since I've seen Eric. Maybe before, I was okay with that. But after I came home from Vancouver, we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week. And with the past couple weeks only being once a week, yeah I'm upset. I had a meltdown the other day. I was freaking out in my own head. I was upset I couldn't see him because he fell asleep. I literally made tinder again for half hour then deleted it. And then he went to his cottage again this weekend. He called me when he got home. So it's not like he's not trying. But he said he was tired last night, fine, I was too. And then he says a friend is staying over from out of down. I don't bother to ask who it is. Yes part of me is worried it's a girl, but I think he'd tell me before anything happened. I just feel so blaaaaah right now. I want more out of him. I care about him. I want to show him off. I want people to know I have a great guy who cares for me. But I don't want to do it if it means I'll look like s fool. I think of worst case scenario of him ending things. Blaaaaaah