you don’t remember the pain. you know it was there, because the nurses kept telling you to push, because your fingers still remember clutching the sides of the bed. but what you do remember is Erik
you remember the way he stood frozen at the foot of your bed, eyes locked on the tiny, squirming baby in the nurse’s arms, his mouth parted slightly. he looked almost in awe as if he couldn’t believe what was happening was real
the nurse handed him the baby, bundled up, and Erik hesitated just for a second before pulling the newborn close
you were still catching your breath when they helped Erik sit into the hospital chair beside you, shirt off, chest bare. he looked at you, soft eyes, almost like he was asking for permission and you gave him a small nod. he pressed your son gently against his chest, skin to skin, cradling the baby
“Hey…” Erik whispered as he pressed a kiss to the top of the baby’s head
a tiny hand, curled around his much bigger finger
you watched them from your bed, that image would live in your mind forever. Erik sitting there, bare chest, your baby nestled against him like he belonged there
and deep down, you knew, you knew by the way Erik looked at him, eyes wide and teary, as if the world had just given him something he never thought he deserved. you knew, without a doubt, that they’d be inseparable
and you were right
your son turned out to be the biggest papa’s boy. he never wanted anyone else. he wanted Erik to hold him, Erik to carry him, Erik to feed him, rock him, nap with him. you? yeah you were loved, but when Erik walked into a room, your son perked up and wanted to be with him
Erik never minded, not once. he carried your son around, always one hand up against his small back, the other lifting him from beneath.
and when your son started speaking?
“Dada.”
that was it. dada, dad, daddy
morning, noon, and night, it was all he said. looking for him when he wasn’t around, arms stretched up whenever Erik passed by. even when Erik came back sweaty, tired, sometimes from training or deployments he never turned him down. he’d scoop him right up and hold him close, letting his little boy fall asleep tucked against his chest.
and whenever your son scraped his knee, Erik was there, he’d scoop him up, press his lips to the top of his messy hair, and whisper “you’re okay. I got you”
on sick days, when he couldn’t sleep unless he was curled up against someone, it was always Erik holding him through the night, resting his chin on the top of his small head
even on the hard days. the tantrum days, the loud, everything is wrong days, Erik never lost his patience. he’d kneel down, speak gently, always tried to understand before reacting. he held your son the same way he held you when you were at your lowest
Tonight it was one of those quiet, late family nights. you were tucked into the corner of the couch, Erik’s head warm and heavy on your thigh, and your son sprawled out on top of him, cheek smushed against Erik’s chest, one arm resting lazily across his torso. the movie had just ended finally, and the credits rolled slowly
you and Erik had both tried to warn him
“this one’s really long” you’d said earlier, brushing your son’s hair back as he looked up at you. Erik had added “there’s no way you’re going make it through the whole thing”
but he’d pouted, really pouted and insisted, and well, neither of you could say no. so you’d given in
you stretched your arms over your head with a tired sigh, your fingers brushing through Erik’s hair as your arms came back down
he didn’t move, just turned his head slightly to press a kiss to your inner thigh before looking down
“He fell asleep” Erik whispered, there was a faint smirk on his lips and a little patch of drool darkening his shirt where your son had been resting
you smiled down at them, running your hand gently along your son’s back “we told him” you murmured
“he really wanted to watch this movie too” Erik said, his palm resting on the small of your son’s back
“you got him?” you asked softly, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it anyway
“Yeah” he hummed, giving you a small nod
and with that, Erik placed a hand under your son’s back, the other beneath his legs, and slowly sat up from the couch, your sweet boy never even stirring. he was completely out, mouth slightly open, head resting back against his dad’s shoulder
you stood with him, walking beside Erik as he carried your son down the hallway like he was still that same tiny newborn against his chest. you opened the bedroom door, pulling back the covers while Erik gently settled him into bed, tucking him in tight
you son didn’t even blink awake just instinctively reached out and grabbed one of Erik’s fingers in his sleep
you both stood there a moment, watching him
Erik’s arm wrapped around your waist, tugging you close “You think he knows?” he asked quietly
“Knows what?” you looked up at him
“How much I love him” he said
you leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder “Yeah” you whispered “he knows. you show him every single day.”
and Erik just nodded, eyes on your sleeping son
the house was quiet again.
after tucking your son in, you and Erik had climbed into bed without saying much, just tired murmurs of “I love you” and a goodnight kiss as you curled into each other. Erik wrapped his arms around you like he always did, chest pressed against your back. you drifted off quickly, with the soft sound of his snoring at your ear
until a loud, sharp panicked cry came from down the hall
you jolted awake first, heart racing. Erik stirred awake as well, groaning softly as he sat up and rubbed a hand down his face, trying to shake off the sleep. the cry came again, this time with a broken little wail that made your chest tighten
“Must be a nightmare” you whispered, turning to look at him in the dark light
Erik nodded, already swinging his legs over the side of the bed “Yeah.”
you both got up at the same time, walking down the hall, bare feet against the cold wood floors. Erik pulled you into a lazy side hug as you walked, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. you leaned into him without thinking
when you opened the door to your son’s room, he turned his head toward you instantly. his cheeks were tear streaked, eyes wide, bottom lip trembling. he sat upright in bed with his blanket clutched in one fist, the other rubbing his eye as more small sobs came out
your heart broke at the sight
you stepped forward, arms open, already on your way to soothe him “what’s wrong?”
“I want dad” he hiccuped, his little voice cracking as more tears rolled down his cheeks “I want daddy.”
you froze mid step, blinking. then turned your head over your shoulder
Erik was right behind you, just as surprised, his brows lifted and his mouth twitched like he didn’t know whether to laugh or tear up. he blinked, then stepped forward slowly
“Are you sure?” he asked gently, crouching down to your son’s eye level “mom might be better at making you feel better. she’s good at that right?”
but your son was already reaching out, arms lifted toward Erik
you stepped aside with a small smile, watching as Erik scooped him up and settled down at the edge of the bed, trying to fold his long legs into the small mattress space. he barely fit, knees halfway off the bed, but he didn’t care. not even a little
he laid back, pulling your son onto his chest, one hand holding him close, the other rubbing slow, soothing circles over his back
“Close your eyes” Erik whispered “It’s okay. I’m here now.”
your son let out a shaky breath, his little fingers curling into Erik’s shirt as he began to settle. his cheek pressed against Erik’s chest, right where his heart beat
that tiny bed suddenly felt like the safest place in the world because Erik was in it. because your son knew he was safe there, wrapped up in his father’s arms, where nothing bad could ever touch him
and you knew again, just like you knew in that hospital room, that no matter how big your son got, Erik would always be the one he ran to. and that they’d always be inseparable.
Summary: Erik’s been gone a few months. You’re eight months pregnant, sick every day, and terrified he won’t make it back in time. He’s scared too—that you’ll have the baby alone, and he’ll lose more than just time
Pairing: Complicated! Remorseful! Erik x Pregnant! Alone! fem! reader.
Warnings: 18+, swearing, graphic details of pregnancy complications, mentions of sadness/ depression, marital problems due to career, mentions of sex. MDNI
WC: 3.4k
*This highlights the military life and the toll it can take on relationships, the missed milestones and the anger it can cause. It’s also nowhere near 100% accurate, don’t shoot me pls*
*It’s not meant to be a happy fic either.
Erik has been gone for a few months now and you’re just counting the days until he comes back. You miss your husband, but you worry yourself crazy about him too. How things are going, if he’s okay, what could go wrong, what if he’s changed and more. He always tells you to stop that, but you can’t help it— especially now, since you’re 8 months pregnant.
This pregnancy has been hard, you’re sick constantly and diagnosed with Hyperemesis gravidarum. It’s been hell, you’ve lost weight instead of gaining and had multiple doctors visits in such a short time. Your son is healthy and growing, but you’re drained.
Erik worries about you too. No matter how intense the situation was, he is always worried about you— constantly thinking about you. He hates being away during this time, your first pregnancy and he’s gone most of it.
His biggest fear is you delivering the baby alone, without him at your side. He worries that this would make you resentful, even though it’s out of his control. He fears that this could ruin your marriage.
You clean the house as you always did on Saturdays. It’s hot today and not cooling down anytime soon, you make sure to have the ac on, blasting cool air. You look outside as you stand at the sink in the kitchen—cleaning baby bottles and your cat Soku running in between your legs. The sun beaming down in your backyard, trees moving with the wind and the smell of the cinnamon rolls you made lingering in the air. It was quiet in the house, just you and your thoughts.
This pregnancy was supposed to be a loving experience, but even on the good days it wasn’t and you were alone. You felt the baby kicks by yourself, discovered the gender by yourself, had doctors visits by yourself, went to the hospital by yourself. You wouldn’t have tried for a baby, if you knew it would come to this. He was supposed to be done, he went back on his promise.
The military has already cost both of you so much and you just wanted him to stick to his word, but that still comes first no matter what.
You hold back tears as you’re scrubbing the bottles, scrubbing harder than you should. You accidentally make your nail bed bleed.
“Damn it!” You shout, tossing the scrubber and bottle back into the water.
Walking to the bathroom to get ointment for your fingers.
You sit on the edge of your bed and feel a kick. You jolt up slightly, his kick was hard this time. He kicked you in your ribs, which he had been doing a lot lately— it never made it any easier.
You can’t help but laugh a little, rubbing your belly.
“You’re gonna have to go easy on the kicks. Your mama can’t handle any more.”
You clean your finger and apply a bandaid, catching a glimpse of your wedding pictures with Erik. A simpler time for the both of you, a happier time.
Erik sits there talking to Elliot about you, trying to pass the time.
Elliot finishes chugging the water, handing the bottle to Ray.
“What’s the gender of the baby again?”
Sam shouts, “it’s a boy, babyyy!!”
Erik smiles, fidgeting with his gloves.
“Yeah. We’re having a boy, I’m going to have a son.”
Elliot nods, leaning back against the wall.
“Congratulations dude. You’re the first out of the group to become a dad.”
Ray giggles, catching everyone’s attention.
“Most of you fucks can’t hold down a relationship, of course he’s first.”
Erik smirks, knowing deep down inside he agrees.
Elliot, Ray, and Sam start throwing jabs at each other and laughing. Erik makes his way into the other room.
He sits in a corner, pulling out a picture of you. Holding it close to him, so ready to have you in his arms. He will be home in a few days, but he hasn’t told you yet— he doesn’t want to disappoint you if something changed.
Elliot comes into the room and shuts the door, Erik can still hear Ray and Sam being loud in the next room.
Elliot sighs, debating on asking this question.
“Man, are you okay? You’ve been quiet and distant.”
Erik hesitates to respond, thinking on his answer.
“Uh, yeah. Just worried about my wife is all.”
Elliot sits in the chair near the door.
“Is she okay? talk to me man.”
Erik’s lip twitches, he feels guilty.
“She has Hyperemesis gravidarum, a condition that makes her sick. She’s been sick this entire pregnancy and I haven’t been there.”
Elliot just sits there, watching Erik and listening to him vent.
“I’ve missed most of the pregnancy and I think she hates me for it.”
Elliot shakes his head, disagreeing with that statement.
“Nah, there’s no way she hates you. She adores you, you two are the happiest couple I’ve ever seen.”
Erik chuckles, because that is probably true— which is saying something.
“I was supposed to be out, man. We were trying for a baby—because I said I was done. Said I wouldn’t take another contract. But I knew I wasn’t. And I didn’t say a word.”
“Damn, dude— that’s kinda fucked”
Erik fiddles with your picture, understanding how bad it is.
“Tell me about it.”
“I haven’t even been able to talk to her for a few weeks now. She might’ve already had him for all I know.”
Elliot chews on his crackers, talking with his mouth full.
“You would’ve gotten the message from Red Cross, if that was the case.”
Erik responded, feeling defeated.
“This has to be my last contract, I can’t lose her over this.”
You took a nap and when you woke up it was dark outside. You got up to feed Soku, who was screaming at you for his food.
“Soku, calm down. I promise your food is coming.”
You shake your head, laughing. He always acts like he’s starving.
You waddle into the living room, then the bedroom and by the kitchen sink— closing all the curtains. Debating on what you will eat for dinner, it’s late and you don’t feel like cooking anything or cleaning dirty dishes. You immediately think of Chinese food, something you haven’t ate in ages. You call and place your order of lo-mein, generals chicken and egg rolls— your go to.
The food arrives 30 minutes later and you eat just about all of it. You were starving, but now you hope that it all stays down. Normally you get sick after eating food, not always— but often enough that you keep a bag near you.
Your belly feels like it’s expanded a shit ton, now that you’re full. You sit on the couch propping up your feet and call your friend Jessica, Ray’s wife.
The line rings a few times.
“Hello.” Jessica answers.
“Hey, girl!”
“How are you mama? How’s my nephew?” Jessica laughs.
“He’s fine, kicking me to remind me that he’s fine.” You let out a playful sigh.
“What have you been up to?” Jessica asks.
“Not much. I’ve been preparing for his arrival— cleaning bottles, having my dad set up his crib, painting his room and washing his new clothes.”
“Are you excited? He’s almost done baking.”
You laugh.
“I’m ready for it to be over, this pregnancy has not been fun at all. I’m also preparing myself to do this alone.”
“You won’t have to do this by yourself, don’t be dramatic. You have Erik, me and the rest of the family.”
Tears fill your eyes, because what she said is what you needed to hear.
“Who knows when they will be home. I’m just so damn frustrated.” You cry.
“I know, it’s okay to be frustrated. Just know that you are never alone, no matter what.”
Your line buzzes like there’s another call trying to come in.
“Jessica, I’ll have to call you back— someone else is calling.”
You disconnect that call and respond to the call coming through.
“Hello?”
It’s loud and muffled at first, almost making you hang up.
“Hellooo?”
The line clears up.
“Hey, baby.” A familiar voice says on the other line.
Your heart skips a beat at the voice.
“Erik?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
You’re unsure of what to say next, it’s been so long.
“How are you and the baby?” Erik asks, trying to ease the awkwardness.
“We’re fine. He’s been kicking me a lot lately.”
“He’s strong already. I can’t wait to see you two.” Erik chuckles.
“Mhm.”
“I’m sorry it’s been so long since we last talked. There’s been alot going on and I—“
“It’s fine.” You interrupt him, being short with your response.
Erik sighs, realizing very quickly that he’s in the doghouse with you.
“Baby, look I love you and we will be home soon. I’m done then, I promise.”
You rub your belly, tears running down your face.
“I.. love you too.” You say, getting choked up.
“Sweetheart.. don’t cry.”
“It’s just.. it’s been so hard, Erik. I don’t want to do this without you.”
“You won’t have to. You won’t.”
“What has your doctor said? Is everything okay at the check-ups?”
“I’ve gained 10lbs and he’s measuring a little small, but everything is healthy.”
“Okay, good.”
Erik abruptly stops the conversation.
“Oh, shit!—“
“Baby, I’ve got to go and I’ll call you back at another time. I love you.”
The call disconnects before you can respond.
“Fuck!” Erik shouts, getting up from the table. So irritated, that the one call he gets with his wife is interrupted.
There was a situation outside that needed his attention. Normally, the guys would handle it on their own if they could— but this time they couldn’t.
He’s trying not to get emotional, but the call was barely five minutes— after weeks of not talking. He wanted to hear more about you and the baby.
He could tell that you weren’t happy during the phone call and once again, he couldn’t be there for you. This whole situation was starting to worry him tremendously.
You just sat there on the couch, trying to calm yourself down. You couldn’t help but sob after that phone call. The navy comes first with everything you do.
You run lukewarm bath water, so you could maybe relax before bed.
You sit in the tub and rub your belly, humming a lullaby your mom would sing to you as a kid. You start feeling pressure on your lower belly, it’s enough to make you sit up in the tub. You’re thinking that maybe the baby had moved, but as you sat up in the tub— you see blood and a lot of it.
The sight sends chills down your spine and sends you into a panic. You carefully stand up to get out of the tub and the cramps start coming, the first one almost making you drop to your knees. You’re able to throw on the pajamas you had waiting and you try to quickly walk to the phone. The breathing exercises weren’t helping and you’re scared.
Something is wrong.
You get to the phone and dial the emergency number that Erik called you from, it rings and rings— no answer.
you call again and again.
Finally someone answers, it’s Elliot.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Elliot. It’s me, is Erik around?” Your voice filled with panic.
“Um, he’s busy. Is everything okay?”
“Ow! Ow!” You cry into the phone, the pains getting worse.
“I need to talk.. to him. Something is wrong.”
“Fuck! Okay. Okay. Hold on for one minute.”
You stand there holding your belly and you start to feel worse, just different than normal. All of a sudden, everything goes black and you’re on the floor seizing.
In the background you hear Erik on the phone, panicking and out of breath.
“Baby?”
“Baby, are you there?”
You black out.
Elliot runs to get Erik, who was still in a bad mood from his interrupted phone call.
Erik is tapped on the shoulder from an out of breath and worried Elliot.
“I need you to come here.”
Erik is confused by the statement, “what’s wrong?”
“Your wife is on the line.” Elliot huffs, bending over to catch his breath.
“What? Why would she call that number?”
“You’re sure it’s her?” Erik asking Elliot, still not understanding why you would call that number. It’s something you never did.
Elliot catches his breath.
“She’s crying on the phone and said there’s something wrong.”
“Oh, god!” Erik takes off running faster than he ever has.
He gets into the room and grabs the phone, putting it to his ear.
“Baby?”
“Baby, are you there?”
You don’t respond and he feels sick. He points at Elliot to leave the room and shut the door.
He hangs up the call and immediately calls your parents.
“Hello.” Your father answers, seeming like he just woke up.
“Hey, it’s Erik. Can you go to our house and check on her? She called this emergency number and said that something was wrong— now, I can’t get in touch with her.”
Your dad jumps out of bed, scaring your mother and hanging up the phone.
Erik paces the floor. He’s so scared, terrified of what could’ve happened.
Your parents rush in the house using their spare key. They scan the room looking for you and find you on the floor in the living room, by the phone.
Your pajama bottoms are soaked in blood and you’re still seizing, foaming at the mouth.
“Oh, my god!” Your mother screams, trying not to cry.
“Help me get her on her side!” Your dad demands as he rushes over to you.
“Honey, can you hear me?” Your dad asks as he holds your head.
Your mother frantically dials 911, letting them know about the situation.
She checks your pants to see if you had delivered the baby, there is so much blood. She couldn’t tell what had happened.
They rush you to the hospital and prep you for an emergency C-section. Your son, Emerson— is born early, but still relatively healthy. He was in distress, due to the umbilical cord being wrapped around his neck— he will need further observation.
You’re in and out of consciousness, not remembering what was happening. The doctors don’t know the cause for the seizure, but your labs look okay.
Your parents had a Red Cross message sent to Erik.
Erik continues to pace the room for hours, until he gets a call.
“Hello, is this the Officer in charge?”
“Yes, this is he.” Erik struggles to spit out.
“There’s been a Red Cross message sent through for Erik. His wife has been rushed to the hospital in critical condition and their baby was delivered early.”
“Does he wish to return home for this matter?”
“Yes, he does”
“Okay, we will put that in the system and notify his command.”
Erik holding back tears, his heart dropped in his chest.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Have a good day.” The lady hangs up.
Erik starts sobbing holding his head in hands.
How could this happen? He should’ve been at home. He could lose both of you. This can’t be happening.
Erik rushes out of the room, startling the guys. His face is red and wet from crying.
Sam looks kinda scared at the sight, “what’s going on? are you okay?”
Erik’s grabbing his things and stuffing them in the bag.
“I don’t—“
“I don’t know what happened. All I know is my wife has been rushed to the hospital in critical condition and they had to deliver our baby early.”
The guys collectively gasp, all of them saying things— trying to be there for him, but he tuned them out.
Erik manages to pay for his flight and get his commands approval to leave.
You wake up— groggy, sore and confused on how you got here. You’re hooked up to a few machines and Erik is laying beside you in his uniform.
How the hell did he get here? Are you dreaming?
“Erik?” You mumble, voice hoarse and throat sore.
Erik opens his eyes as they adjust to the light, just waking up.
You start to panic, still confused.
“What’s going on? What happened?”
Erik looks at you with relief, jumping up and kissing you on the forehead.
“Honey, something happened and they had to take to baby early.”
The realization of what he said hits you and you start crying.
“No… No..”
Erik holds you, trying to comfort you as you’re now sobbing in his arms.
“Shh.. shh.. he’s okay— Emerson came out perfectly healthy and you will heal nicely.”
Your doctor comes in and addresses your concerns, telling you that if everything goes right— you’ll be going home in 3-4 days. Emerson has to stay longer, maybe 1 week— just to make sure he’s okay..
You feel so upset and defeated. You almost died and in your mind, almost killed your baby. Erik wasn’t home until after the fact. This is a nightmare.
Today is the day you go home, you’ve been cleared. Emerson is still staying at the hospital and that crushes you inside. He should be going home with you and getting used to you.
The drive home is silent, you didn’t have much to say to Erik and you haven’t since you woke up. He has his hand on your thigh as he drives, rubbing his fingers along it— like he used to always do.
You make it home and into the house, Erik helps you upstairs and into the bed.
He tidies up the bedroom as you sit there.
“So, when do you leave?” You question Erik, breaking the silence.
“Huh?” Erik responds, not understanding the question.
“When do you leave? Duty first and all.”
“I’m not leaving again. I’m home for good.” Erik replied, moving the folded baby clothes off the bed.
You wish you could believe that, you so badly do.
“You’re always leaving.”
“I know that I haven’t been able to be here, but I will be now. I will be here for you and Emerson.”
Erik checks his watch, making sure that he keeps an eye on it for your medicine.
“I almost died and you weren’t here, doubt that will change now.”
Erik finds himself getting frustrated, not at you— but the situation.
“Babe.. I didn’t have choice in the matter. I had to go for work.”
You laugh at what he says, showing that you don’t believe him.
“No choice—“
“Did you not have a choice when you fucked me and wanted to make a baby? Did you not have a choice when you broke your promise to me?” Your voice cracks as you start crying.
Erik’s heart breaks at the sight of you crying.
“I should’ve told you how I felt. I’m sorry for that, I am.”
“Sorry? You led me to believe you were done, you had me trying to make a baby with you and then doing the pregnancy by myself.”
Your tears turn into anger. You sit there watching him clean the room and avoid looking at you.
“Once we get Emerson home and I get back on my feet, I want a divorce.”
Erik’s head snaps your direction.
“Honey.. what?” Erik feels ill, almost like he wants to throw up.
“I can’t do this shit anymore, being picked second to your job-“
“If I hadn’t gotten to the phone in time, you would’ve had a dead wife and son. You were halfway around the world, when you could have at least been here with me. I gave you the baby you wanted and you couldn’t give me honesty.”
Tears fall down Erik’s face.
“Baby.. the job is complicated. I’m done with it now and I’m here from now on, you won’t have to go through anything else by yourself.”
“Complicated? Erik, you lied to me. You weren’t ready to be done.”
“Yes! Complicated—“ Erik raises his voice a bit.
“That job is the one thing I’m good at. Outside of starting my life with you, it was the best decision of my life. It’s all I’ve known for a long time. I made a mistake and I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t know how to tell you that I wasn’t sure what to do.”
You sit there listening to what he says, realizing that how he would feel never crossed your mind.
“You could’ve said something, Erik. I would’ve waited on the baby.”
Erik stands there with his hand on hip.
“I didn’t want to wait.”
“I didn’t want to wait due to my career. I wanted to start a family with you.”
Your heart aches, you have a good reason to be mad— but maybe you should’ve considered his feelings.
“Babe.. I’m sorry. It’s just been a rough time.”
Erik crawls in the bed beside you, kissing you passionately and rubbing your head.
“Don’t apologize to me, I’m sorry. Your pregnancy could’ve been totally different if I had spoken up.”
“Please, forgive me..”
Deep down, you had already forgiven him. Your emotions are just all over the place. You can’t imagine your life without Erik, but the hurt feeling still lingers.
Erik fell asleep, his hand over your belly— almost like it was a natural instinct. If only he could’ve felt Emerson kick and rub your round belly.
He’s finally home and finally able to get rest in the place that brings him the most comfort.
The room is silent, your mind is racing and your body is sore.
Emerson is still in the hospital, hours away.
Nothing is perfect here or even close to fixed, but at least you’re no longer in this alone. No longer dreaming of the day Erik is back at home.
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