⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆ 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋

hello!! i share a lot of what’s going on in my head so please be kind and understanding

[daisaid]

i got placed on zoloft this year, it was traumatizing, it gave me 14 side effects, it completely altered my brain chemistry, it did the opposite of what it was supposed to do because it made me more depressed, i have already gone through all of my withdrawals symptoms and that was a struggle in itself, now, everyone is telling me that i should go on an antidepressant again, and i say absolutely not, i lost myself, i’m not done finding her again, they really think me taking medication in the same situation in the same home environment is going to fix it, i’m not the problem, what i live in, that’s the problem, i am not making myself depressed i am not making myself suicidal, what i have to live with and deal with everyday, that is what is making me feel this way, that’s what needs to be medicated, not me

[daisaid]

just wait and see until depression kills me

they don’t take it seriously

they don’t notice

it looks like they don’t care

they think it’s a minor issue

this is my whole life

this has been my whole life

soon enough they’ll see how badly depression has made its mark on me

i am not magically better

and i never was

no wonder i feel so unseen

no wonder i feel neglected

no wonder i say you are absent

you can’t even apologize

you forgot me, to you i am invisible

no check ins

when i show how disassociated i am

you don’t care

i talk

you don’t care

if you don’t care

i don’t care

and i die, the end

it doesn’t matter how i feel

it matters how you feel

how it’s effecting you

god i can’t stand living anymore

i hate it here

[daisaid]

i’m so tired of asking myself “when will i get better” it’s like i’m chronically ill

at this point i wouldn’t be surprised if my future entails me going in and out of hospitals and psychiatric units

[daisaid]

i can’t speak anymore, it’s getting worse

[voidcreations]

Look at my birthday cake...

[daisaid]

dream birthday cake…

[titsay]

[daisaid]

no matter what i do i always end up feeling alone i still feel so alone

[daisaid]

i have no one i can go to about most things, i have no one, but at least i have here! the abyss, the dark wall

i just feel like a burden when to go to people like i’m bothering them and i feel bad when i do so, so i just keep quiet but look what happened because of that

[daisaid]

[daisaid]

don’t mine me! i’m just spiraling, again, i promise i’ll stay alive for this one

[daisaid]

i’ve made so many mistakes and i’m not this great human being, i never was, i do not hold pride, and my ego is unchanged never boosted or lowered, it stays at an equilibrium, there is nothing i want or that i am envious of, i am content with my mess of life even though it’s caused me so much hurt i am grateful for the person it made me become

[daisaid]

i really don’t know what to do i feel sort of trapped into things even though i distance myself from these things people always find a way to entrap me in and they might think they are influencing me but i have my own thoughts my own opinions and my own take, im neutral, i know where i belong and where i don’t, i am a floater i am not to be trapped into the hive mind groups get stuck in so i feel that i know when to step away from a topic because it is safe for everyone, i know when to open my mind and close my heart

[daisaid]

i spent 16 hours in the emergency room, i described it as the roughest night of my life, i was in tune to what was going on around me and it sounded like the hospital itself had a heartbeat, even though it was someone’s monitor, it just sounded like the hospital was alive, with a heart, still beating even after the person left

[daisaid]

although i am frustrated with myself i have to give myself grace, all of this seems to be out of my control and i cannot go back in time and change what i was already born into, what DNA i hold, this is something i have to live with, i have one more year of this i can’t give up again i have to keep going, stay alive if you will

i just feel myself drowning again and i can’t get up

all the doctors ask me “what do you have to live for” and i sit there speechless then they say “what about yourself” which always baffled me since i did not even see myself as an option

[daisaid]

i feel like i am back at the beginning and i must relearn everything without myself, my identity is completely disassociated from me, i can’t even reach her, i am not myself at the moment, and she is very far away, and i feel very alone without having that feeling of security, knowing who i am, i do know, she’s just not here, she’s just absent right now

i made so much progress, and i destroyed it because i stopped taking about it, i did it to myself and it is all my fault, what the actual hell is wrong with me?

[daisaid]

i miss sharing my thoughts on here and now that i have no one to indirectly bully me for them anymore in real life i think i’m going to start posting again, because i will never have to see all those people ever again! and this is my voice, no one can just take that away it’s not theirs, it is mine

i genuinely thought this page was a huge reason why i attempted to end my life this year, during the spring, that it was all my fault for even starting it, but it really wasn’t, it was the people who took it and misunderstood me, a constant feeling i have felt and still feel in my environment for years that i started to feel by complete strangers who don’t even care about me, but i was at such a low it really got to me

so i feel ready to come back here and share my thoughts again, i don’t care how it is perceived, so what? it’s just my thoughts, “if we were all put on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged” -Grace: Alias Grace

that is why i began this page to begin with, i wanted to share everything though that was a little naive of me i just wanted to be understood for once so i wouldn’t feel so alone in my pain and sufferings, that didn’t really last long due to unwanted visitors…but hello mutuals and followers :D hope you are well!

[kosmogrl]

I will probably get through this just like I have gotten through everything before but I need to be really stressed and scared first