ocd is walking, breathing, talking, thinking, acting in certain ways because your mind tells you it'll stop your friend from hanging herself (and when you try and not do something your mind tells you to do, your mind shows you an image of what it'd look like when her mom finds her dead and hanging in her bedroom) (you have to pray that image is ocd, not one of the visions God gives you) (every interaction you have with her you fear is your last) (you feel desperate to save her before she kills herself in what feels like a few weeks although you have absolutely no reason to believe she wants to kill herself or would even) (you nearly vomit every night because you can't stand to lose her but with no evidence you will) (you pray to God over 5x a day everyday that He takes you before He takes her) (you feel sick to your stomach knowing she is not saved and if she dies, she won't go to heaven which she deserves more than anything else. if she dies, she goes to hell and you want to turn away from God and kill yourself too just to be united with her after death) (ocd is planning to relapse after being 4 years clean because you need to do anything you can to snap yourself out of this mental jail and cope with potentially losing your closest friend this year, not just your friend, but your everything, the girl you love almost more than you love your Lord your God your Father.)
ocd is crying on one of the best days of my life because if i lose her i lose more than what words can describe, if i lose her, i won't lose much more after death. because what life do i have after her? i just beg God to take me before her, whenever that is, because one way or another i'm going to go too.
