Appreciating the world at our fingertips.

[dalitinvivo]

Moving forward.

It goes without saying, the difficulty to accept a situation that was out of your hands, especially, when you were unsure to what extent it was out of your hands. Did you express yourself clearly, did you communicate what you wanted? Or did you just play it cool and believe it would all fall in your lap? Did you really want it? I really wanted it. Was I clear? I think so, but what could I have done to make you truly really know? Or maybe not take no for an answer? You didn’t want it? Or were you scared? What were you scared about?? You just really didn’t want it. 

And then time flows on, seasons change, people move on and out and up and in. And you wonder, should I even be wondering what could have been? How do I move forward wondering how the past could have been different? You set boundaries, walls go up, and dealing with the past becomes imaginary. It isn’t easy. So, slowly the past fades, you let go of that imaginary ending and new beginnings emerge and you keep going. You can still glimpse at that faded memory, and think well who knows what the future holds, and remind yourself that whatever happens, you are ok. And that is enough.

[dalitinvivo]

I will let you go once you are ready to let me go, if that’s what you want. Apparently, that is what you want.

Sadly it’s only now apparent. And you knew I would hold on. Twisted, really.

I have held on to my imagination until now.

Thank you for that.

Good riddance. 😘

#done

[dalitinvivo]

memories.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”

― Haruki Murakami

How and why do we choose to hold on to certain memories? Those, which have become only memories, are so because they are no longer. And, while sad, we choose not to let them go because they brought us so much joy or peace or fear or anger. They fueled our emotions. They opened our eyes. They made us understand a little more who we are or who want to be.

But, they are just memories we hold on to subconsciously... maybe by choice. Some memories can only remain that way, explaining why they cannot be let go. Some memories we hold on to as seeds of hope.

[dalitinvivo]

huh, so this is life.

I read an interesting article in the New Yorker today. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/12/21/what-if-you-could-do-it-all-over

I wonder if back in the day, we truly had less options, fewer choices... if the advent of communication technologies, from the telegraph to the text. From knowing only your neighborhood, to connecting to the world, really is the breeding force for our worldview of options in life. Or is it that the options back then were just of different sorts. It must really be the more we know, the more we don't know, the more we don't have, the more we hope, the more we might despair.

Simply, if you live in a very snowy part of the world, and do not have access to the rest of the world, and never have - you would never know what tropical means and maybe you wouldn't long for it. I guess the opposite could also be true.

The whole idea of ignorance is bliss... it is interesting that I don't really resonate with this idea... I have always been curious. I have always wanted to know all. Be the omniscient. Though, I am humbled to realize I may not be able to handle or process all the information. In some ways, though, I think actually I could. Is it the thrill of intrigue? I assume curiousity is innate in all animals, hmm... might be worth researching.

One thing I can say that has attenuated my despair for the unattainable, is this concept of humbly being excited to learn new things. Not expecting to achieve anything, but just enjoying what new information comes. Being open to that information, questioning it and not necessarily setting hopes too high or dreams too far to reach.

The more we know the more we dont know, means we have so much left to learn!!! Some may not live a life that finds this concept so fun. But I certainly do. And for one, it teaches you that the extent of your potential is limitless, but to be ok and happy with your current situation all at the same time.

I wonder how much that exact imbalance of what you hope for knowing that it exists, and the despair of not having it is the actual self-deprication that breeds depression and anxiety... and maybe lack of focus.

Folks, we all just gotta chill. And appreciate the abilities we have learned as a human race to even know the beauty of white powdery snow and the comfort of the warm tropical sun at the same exact time of the year. Because, the more we know the more we dont know, means we have so much left to learn MEANS we will continue to progress - and we have to have our mindset right to take it all in and adapt without despair.

I wonder what else exists out there we have yet to discover.

[dalitinvivo]

balance.

Where to draw the line?

Fear with fame.

Flight or plight.

Solace by redemption.

Comfort for creed.

black AND white.

Clarity of thought, or tangled messes of reality.

Do we draw in? Or do we empty out?

Fulfillment plus acceptance.

Extremes among the content.

Abide but contrive.

Making sense out of the unsensable.

Tipping scales, pushing norms, living life.

Smiting the inaccessible. For what?

Only to find your core.

The balance is within.

[dalitinvivo]

Stop and GO.

Wish upon a star... I did that a lot as a child. I recently listened to a podcast that said when you wish for something to happen that is largely out of your control, it is a lot less likely that what you were wishing for will actually happen. It almost seems like wishing or dreaming will get you nowhere. Why is that?

It is beautiful to have high hopes and aspirations. It gives you endless possibilities for whatever you dream of in life. It is not all bad. But wishing for what is out of your control can seem pointless and possibly self-destructing. Especially, as an adult. Those thoughts may just hold you back. It is kind of like taking sanctuary in your dreams, like retreating... and well, yes, it can be comforting. But also kind of depressing, to wait and wish and hope and create dreams that are out of your hands to materialize.

I guess at some point during our growth from children into adults, we learn to aspire towards fulfilling our ultimate dreams by creating tangible building blocks to get us there. We learn to decide which dreams are actually important to us, and which dreams hold no real substance but maybe just sounded cool at the time. We are likely still learning and choosing into our old age.

We each have our own path. We learn how to work around and adjust to obstructions in our path. Maybe, we learn to wish less and instead to plan, to do, to create, and to get up and go! Maybe, we eventually forget about that ultimate dream, because we are enjoying our very present life so much. But little do we know, how much that ultimate dream is engrained in our brains and dictates our every decision. And then, what do you know, our dream just happens to comes true.

Every single day, we have the opportunity to create enjoyable steps along our journey. It is about creating tangible goals that you enjoy, that will lead you to the unstoppable person you dreamed of becoming. But you can't just expect it will happen. It won't fall out of the sky. You gotta go get it, and make it happen.

Stop wishing and dreaming, start planning and doing.

[dalitinvivo]

rainy day blues.

And the day was anew. Just a sprinkle or two. Another delight of a scrap with the blue.

Such a wonder of thought, from the glow of the bot. Imagine just what could arise and accrue.

In her cave, in her heart, brews the scent of the dawn. Another day another dime, emoting along.

How the losses are blinded by angles of light, warranting movement from morning to night.

So she listened and grappled, as she got her shit done. Only tinkering out all the long and the gone.

Moments of beauty to be treasured as one, sensing only herself, in this instance of Time.

But she woke from this haze to a basic assent, that dreams can be met with feat and intent.

Get off of your ass, and move it along. No question, you rock, so go turn that shit on.

[dalitinvivo]

Tonight, I am stumped. I had planned to write a blog post, because well (as usual) it has been a while. Today was not an entirely unusual day by any means. But it was “one of those” days. Do you ever have days when it feels like all your emotions are intensified? Like the hairs on the back of your neck stand up from every happy, sad, frustrating and daydreaming moment or thought? You just feel EVERYTHING. And, although clearly the intensity of the frustrating times can seem to outweigh any good – to the point that you are literally yelling at your laptop because you have tried saving your excel spreadsheet five times, which you then come to find are saved in weird inaccessible formats, which forces you to quit the program unsaved, and start over, finally followed by another 5 minute wait after each time you hit save before you can continue working – you are so openly vulnerable that once you relieve yourself of your frustration you can so easily bounce back into extreme calm and appreciation for all the good and beautiful (I mean, at least I hadn’t made too many edits to redo...), when even an episode of Schitt’s Creek can make you tear up? Oh, and the sunset... <3

[dalitinvivo]

love.

You meet someone.

Within seconds you find attraction.

Within minutes you exchange laughs.

Within hours a feeling comes over you.

As if no one else has ever graced your presence before.

In the coming days and weeks,

You are reminded of that feeling when your eyes meet.

Scared, because you know the potential of your heart.

Unprepared to take it on.

Knowing though, you are willing to try.

Embracing that isolated chord.

The rest is history.

[dalitinvivo]

no words... but maybe just a few.

Let me just begin by saying I have absolutely no cred in politics (as I took one class on government in high school) or can even begin to imagine how to approach the current state of our country. What I do know? Shit has been fucking crazy. At what point did we decide that history was all crap and all cops are to blame?

Who is to blame? People that hate.

Sadly, the entire system seems flooded with political agendas. And the people are angry and out of their minds. But I am sorry to break it to you, burning down statues is not going to erase history. And we should never forget history. We should learn from it. We can't change the past, but we can build from it. We should remind ourselves of context, not to justify, but to understand the events of the past in order to prevent them from reoccuring.

And the police. Have people decidely forgotten all the sweat, blood and tears the police at a majority have endured risking their lives everyday to protect us? That is their job! Yes, there are some terrible people out there, even in positions of authority - but the root of that problem is hate, inacceptance and mental health.

We need a better system in all facets to weed out and incarcerate inhumane creeds. We need to celebrate the beauty of identity. And we need to support the people whose life goal and career is to protect us from harm.

[dalitinvivo]

the new normal...?

Yuck, none of what is happening these days is normal. And, although I personally have little to complain about because I have food, shelter, unlimited access to online entertainment, a job, plenty of wine, and I am healthy, and I am actually loving being home, I can still say for me this sucks. Not only do I constantly feel somewhat guilty and anxious... guilty that I have little to complain about (so I donate), anxious about spreading this damn virus (so I stay home), I am WAY to empathetic, and the first few weeks were story after story of horrors that I just had to limit my news-time if I wanted to preserve my tissues.

So, it sucks that so many plans have gotten cancelled due to this unpredictable product of RNA that came from who knows where, but what has been weighing down the most on me... two things:

#1 FOCUS: It can be incredibly difficult to focus sometimes - despite not having the option to go out and do many things, I feel like there is so much to do at home and I am responsible for all of it, and I get it done - but whatever, I am currently writing this post instead of a paper for work. But, it calms the mind to ventilate (double meaning?). I also feel like I have endless amounts of time to get shit done, so why not do 100 things at once? Or is it 100 nothings... GOALS. Yes, it hasn't been all that bad. Setting daily/weekly goals is super important these days (especially now that, of the non-struggling folk in this pandemic, the "staycation-mode" mindset of this situation is getting really old...) I am actually proud of what I have been able to accomplish. Some days are definitely better than others.

#2 TIME: How do we maximize time???? This feeling of our lives completely on hold. I for one had two major life goals this year. 1. Stop throwing away money in rent. check! 2. Find out the status of my womenly responsibility - aka - figure out whether or not I should be freezing my damn eggs for the ever so increasingly far-reaching possibility that I might actually start a family one day. nope... still need to do that. hmm... I could write five more posts on dating during this crisis, but I will spare you. I'm sure there are MANY out there already. *eyeroll*

I for one LOVE BEING HOME- I get a lot done. I workout every day from the comfort of my living room. I suntan on nice days from my balcony. I cook delicious meals. I clean up my growingly senile cat's vomit. You know...

The true meaning of meditation - to be mindful and calm in the present moment - a silver lining behind this pandemic that is forcing us all to do so to keep ourselves going. PLEASE - stay healthy.

[dalitinvivo]

Just because.

Just because I am great on my own, does not mean I want to be alone.

Just because I said no, does not mean I did not consider yes.

Just because you are there, does not mean I do not want to be.

Just because I am here, does not eliminate the fear.

And because of context, inflated thoughts and no chance to directly relate.

Just because I do not show it, does not mean I do not care.

Just because I was fed up, does not mean I gave up.

Just because I am happy, does not mean I do not cry.

Just because I dream, does not mean I deny reality.

Just because I was dubious, does not mean I did not believe.

Just because I accepted, does not mean I did not hope.

Just because I did not react, does not mean I did not feel it back.

Just because it is not, does not mean it could not be.

Just because you are not, does not mean that you will not.

But just as it is, is how I take it to be.

[dalitinvivo]

enjoy nothing.

There is nothing enlightening in this post... just felt I needed to do just one more thing today. I can honestly say I feel like doing absolutely nothing right now. Even writing this post was a spot-on idea, but I hesitated... I don't even know what I will write...hmm and literally as I type I am thinking "delete it all." Yes, the world has practically paused on everything. I was training for a race, cancelled; all conferences and meetings for the next two months, cancelled; my dentist appt. also cancelled. And part of me just wants to sit... cancelled. lol JOMO HEY at least we have complete virtual access to others and to lots of entertainment. And books. SO much to read. So much work to do. AND I just kinda want to sleep. I think what is unsettling is what is going to happen in two to four weeks. When life goes back to normal, will it? Will people still be vulnerable? How long will this last? I have three trips planned end of May on and I really want them to happen. Yes, I have enough food, for now. I have enough toilet paper, for now. But, I need to get out and do things! My endorphins are just on such a low... Yet, part of me LOVES staying home, I loooove the comfort of my own home. I am a little introverted. I do enjoy time alone. But, it can get boring. Cabin fever is real. Even when you have a lovely balcony and a well lit apartment. This is something probably no one has ever really experienced at this level. So... it makes sense to feel uneasy... Make the most of it. Relax and enjoy doing nothing, OR run through a list of "stay at home" projects. Find ways to help your community, or help out by just staying home. Whatever it is, don't panic. We will all be ok, and life will go on.

[dalitinvivo]

no sense.

For someone who has learned to do a lot and live most of her life on her own, I have such a hard time letting go of what I want. However, at the same time, and I think I make it pretty clear of my intentions, despite the games that evolve from my walls going up instantly the second I sense fear. Fear of losing something, whether that is respect or sense of selse, or freedom. Or fear of something I really want to work out in my favor, just not. It might be the case, but when I know what I want, which is usually the case, it is hard to erase that feeling. I may live in this matrix of feeling grateful and happy, yet disappointed and alone. There must be a "letting go" gene that is mutated in my genome. This is my "thing."

[dalitinvivo]

helpless romantic.

In honor of Valentine's Day, as I sit on my couch with a glass of wine, catching up on my shows... I will write you a poem. It's been a while... so bear with me.

it was not the first time, trust me, my friend that i found myself thinking "what just happened?" but it was fun and felt righteously good as i finally met someone who seemed up in my hood

though, i may disconnect from reality some nights that feeling like i found what i wanted was right but that was just the initial love rush and lust that fueled the desire to submit to my gut

you may try to find what you look for in life when it falls in your lap unexpectedly one night but then runs for the hills and leaves you but dust with the strongest connection left to simmer and rust

with all that, i must say a ride of my life could begin with submission to throw all aside if that is too much to ask, then ask me no more as i stumble through locks that imbue my decor

i can only enjoy and bask in the light that shined out from that crazy cold saintly night and can feed you the words that you crave but yet fear you are special beyond any past cavalier

you lose nothing in life but by holding it in so i find words to impart my present chagrin happily drowning in the heartbreaking agon aspiring myself to accept and dream on...

This. Crazy. Heart. of Mine.

[dalitinvivo]

Acceptance.

Sometimes, a situation may arise that you do not understand. Possibly, you are not privy to all the information. Possibly, there is no back story, and shit just is as it is. But, for whatever reason, it is something you want to understand, and the thoughts start to overtake. You may never get to understand it if it is out of your hands. When you are not in control of the situation, you cannot force an outcome... the best approach is acceptance, and gratitude for what you do receive. That may be the only way you can move forward.

[dalitinvivo]

Envisioned.

Is it healthy to envision your future and set goals? I've always wondered. Lessons from meditation teach you to focus on the present, enjoy the moment, appreciate every sensation, and empty your mind from expectations and thoughts.

But, then what? If you don't envision a future, or set goals, what brings you the motivation or excitement to keep pushing forward? To build something for yourself, you need to know what you want to build, right? And then you define the steps to get you there, yeah? That is kinda far from living in the moment.

I cannot say I know enough about meditation. I don't really ever set out time to meditate... like ever. But, on days I feel sluggish and disinterested, I tend to find that it really helps to slow down and take in each moment of my day. I make it a point to remind myself, I have nothing to worry about, I will get through the day, and I will enjoy it if I take it one step at a time.

The stressors come from having decided on a list of goals for my day, that I aim to complete. I know I will feel great once I have accomplished those goals- otherwise, why in the world are they on my list? But, the anxiety may stem from whether or not I will be able to pull through.

Knowing that I have nothing to worry about... I have broken down the steps of my experiments, and I have learned to manage my time on tasks, and it is okay if I encounter a road block while getting through it... and forgetting about the ultimate goal... I can enjoy step 1 for what it is, step 2 when I get to it, etc. to then progress to the final step stress free and full of livelihood.

With that... you can't really get shit done without knowing what you want to accomplish- thus you have to set goals, and plan shit. But, the key is... when executing each step along the way, you gotta be present in the moment.

Does this philosophy parallel with what I want in life? Sure, I love what I do, I love my job. However, my career was never my ultimate goal. I love it, if I had to choose a job, science would be it... and, so... good. Check.

Sadly, I continue to procrastinate on the steps towards my ultimate goals. Perhaps, due to fear or discomfort or lack of confidence. And, this is where I have had to learn to appreciate every moment of life, especially when I come across those reminders.