Someday I will Reach the Shore @damascaramza - Tumblr Blog

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This post has links to my poetry, musings/personal thoughts and my reading goals.

Poetry - https://www.tumblr.com/damascaramza/tagged/damasca's%20poetry

Musings - https://www.tumblr.com/damascaramza/tagged/damasca's%20musings

Reading Goals - https://www.tumblr.com/damascaramza/tagged/damasca's%20reading%20goals

#personal #it's partially so I can access them easier #but also so anyone who might want to read them can too.

skogsdotter-draws

Trying to fill the void after UMAD

#poetry #damasca's poetry #because sometimes we need someone to help us when we're struggling #and to quote Caduceus from Critical Role #“Pain doesn’t make people. It’s love that makes people. Pain is inconsequential. It’s love that saves them.”#not that I have anyone to do this for me

azusteve

When you have a headache, but your bros come to the rescue with a head massage (Azurill doesn't have hands, so he's there for encouragement).

anarchopuppy

sometimes being a fan of something means not wanting them to make any more of it

damascaramza

#poetry #damasca's poetry reblog #haven't slept well in weeks #it's been a struggle #everything takes three or four times the energy when I'm this exhausted #eventually I'll fix it and life will improve #until then the show must go on

damascaramza

#poetry #damasca's poetry reblog #I hide my true feelings under a mask #because I've lost so many friendships because they didn't want to deal with me on my bad days #which fair enough but it still hurt when it happened #and I have been shamed for having feelings too many times to count #so I bottle it all up #and pretend I'm ok on the days when I'm struggling #whilst trying to help others who feel similarly #so they never feel as alone as I do

damascaramza

#poetry #damasca's poetry reblog #alternate line was “stronger and more beautiful than before”

damascaramza

#poetry #damasca's poetry reblog #this is a gift to me #and to anyone who needs it #I don't consider myself successful #but no matter how much my brain wants me to believe I'm a worthless failure #or the many intrusive thoughts it's given me #I am not a monster.#or a failure.#or worthless.#or a burden on others.#I'm just a little behind in life and can turn things around.#I'm just playing life on Very Hard mode because of my health.#that would also make a good poem I think

userfrieren

frieren | sousou no frieren 1.26 - “the height of magic”

damascaramza

#poetry #damasca's poetry reblog

damascaramza

#poetry #damasca's poetry reblog #no one should ever feel all alone in the world #ever.

damascaramza

We are officially halfway through 2026.

It has not been an easy year so far.

My sleep was horrendous; my nightmares frequent and disturbing, my shoulders and neck hurt so much that I had next to no energy for most of February and some of March. As a result of all of this, I’ve failed to accomplish even a quarter of what I wanted to in the first half of 2026. Also my manuscript was rejected by the publisher I sent it to.

As a result of all of the above, my mental health has tanked so much this year that I wonder if I will ever truly be happy or do more than exist and survive.

I don’t have an answer. Until I do, I will follow the Tao of Superman.

As long as I think there’s a chance-no matter how small- that there might be just one more happy day out there, I will keep going.

But it hasn’t all been a depressing shitshow.

In the first half of 2026, I managed to read 16 novels, approximately 55-60 manga volumes, one eBook and finished four educational audiobooks. Most of the manga volumes were rereads, but I count them anyway.

I finished a set of chapter outlines for a book, finished a bunch of video games on my backlog and also beat an Extreme level boss and two Savage level bosses in FF14.

And in May 2026, I finally emptied my storage cupboard and started learning how to drive.

Emptying my storage cupboard is a big deal because I’ve been wanting to do it for three or four years. It was mostly cardboard boxes from when I moved in, or the boxes that flat packs came in. The few times I planned to break them down and put them in a recycling bin, there were possums in there.

Thanks to a friend, I finally got it emptied earlier in May.

Learning to drive is a big deal for me. I never learned as a teenager because I was super depressed and had really bad anxiety about learning. I was terrified that I’d accidentally kill someone just by getting behind the wheel. Irrational, I know.

I’d planned to learn in the past few years, but huge expenses would come up or I’d just end up putting it off. Until this year, where I finally decided enough was enough. As of this writing, I’ve only had one lesson. But it was way less terrifying than teenage me believed it would be.

Now, my remaining goals for 2026.

Lose 10-20kgs

My hope is that by the end of the year, I will be in much better health and also way more fit due to cardio and a good workout routine. I’m already making good progress towards this, so I’m confident it will work out as long as I sleep much better than I have lately.

Save $3000-$5000

I am skeptical if I will succeed, but I’m prepared to try. I need to save up for a car and I want to buy more books to fill up my bookshelves and have plenty to read and reread in the years to come.

I admit to being a little irresponsible with my savings this year, but I have few regrets about it. I can only try to be more responsible and build up more savings for the rest of the year.

Be More Social outside of D&D

This one is difficult. Mostly because it relies on other people.

Go On Adventures

I’m still working on this one. Going out on my own is hard for a few different reasons, primarily that I need a purpose and can’t just go out for the fun of it. I live down the road from a hiking trail/park that I’ve been wanting to go to for ages, but just can’t convince myself to go on my own.

So yeah, a work in progress.

Continue Learning New Recipes

It’s hard to decide what recipes to cook first. But I’m making steady progress with this goal.

Baking is the hard one, because I don’t want to eat the baked goods on my own.

It’s a gradual learning process, I think.

Finish Driving Lessons

After years of setbacks and anxiety, I finally started taking driving lessons this year. It is not as terrifying as my teenage self’s anxiety led him to believe, but it is something I won’t take lightly.

By year’s end, I hope to be fully ready and able to take the test to get my provisional license.

Get P’s License

It’s my hope that by the end of the year, I’ll be skilled enough as a driver to take the test and earn my Provisional License and then eventually my full license. In another life, I’d already have these. But time travel doesn’t exist.

Buy a Car

My goal is to buy a hybrid. The infrastructure just doesn’t exist for an electric car yet, so I’ll go with the next best thing.

Once I have my license and a car, things will be so much different. Maybe even better.

Study more Poetry, History, Mythology, Nature and other aspects of the world to be a better Writer

So far, I’ve finished four educational audiobooks. My hope is to finish another six-ten educational eBooks and audiobooks on matters that will help expand my knowledge and allow me to use it to be a better writer.

The problem is that audiobooks tend to get boring to listen to fast, so I will likely need to spend some time reading eBooks on my tablet. Maybe lie down on my lounge whilst I do so. Something to decide in the future.

Finish 15+ Books

To clarify, books mean novels. As of this writing, I have finished 16 novels and I am making good progress to reach my goal of 30 novels for the year. I have a rough idea of the next five novels that I want to read and I have 20-30 novels that I want to purchase. It’ll be gradual when I have money to spare.

But I don’t plan to stop reading novels simply because I made it to 30. The more novels I finish, the better. I might even make it to 40 or 50, which would be a nice record to achieve.

I still have my ground rules to cover.

80% of the 30+ books that I want to read in 2026 will be books I have never read before.

25% of the 30+ books that I want to read in 2026 will not be fantasy, which is my favorite and most read genre.

So far, I’ve met the first rule and I am working on the second rule. I’m content with how much I’ve read so far.

Manga is a separate category, because a typical manga volume is only 140-200 pages each. In the case of manga, I’ve already read close to 60 separate manga volumes across multiple series. These series are Journal with Witch/Ikoku Nikki, Frieren and Fly Me to the Moon.

When I have some spare money, I want to buy the following series;

Witch Hat Atelier manga

A Sign of Affection manga

Delicious in Dungeon manga

Apothecary Diaries light novels

How a Realist Hero Rebuilt the Kingdom light novels.

There are other manga franchises I want to buy and have the entire list recorded in a word document, but they are not a priority at this time.

Buying all of these books will end up costing quite a bit. Reading all of them will take some time.

Moving all of my books and my bookshelves when the time comes will also be mildly tedious, but it will all be worth it.

Finish Video Game List

At the start of every year, I write up a list from my backlog of games that I want to play. Sometimes I will rewrite it throughout the year.

Of the 15 games that I’ve played this year, I’ve finished seven and dropped eight. Mostly because I had a lot of sequels in my list and when I dropped a previous entry, I dropped the rest of the franchise that was in my list.

I have another 10 games in my list for 2026. It’s my hope that I finish all of them. I’m pretty excited for some of them and a few of them have been in my backlog for nearly a decade.

Finish 2 Manuscripts

At the moment, I’m working on a second draft for my fantasy series. The first draft was so terrible that I scrapped it and started from scratch. My original goal was to finish this second draft by April and start the first draft of the sequel.

That has not happened. My original goal was to finish 3-4 manuscripts this year, which cannot happen now.

My revised goal is now to finish the second draft by the end of June and then start the first draft of the next book in this series. It will be finished before the end of the year.

Finish 4-5 Sets of Chapter Outlines

I still write my chapter outlines by hand. It’s a mild strain on my shoulders and neck, but that’s a mixture of posture and not having a very ergonomic setup. I’ve already finished one set of chapter outlines this year; my goal is to finish the last four sets of chapter outlines for a series.

It has taken me nearly a decade to finish the chapter outlines for this 11 book series. Mostly because I have worked on other series in the meantime.

I can only hope I complete all of them.

None of this will be easy.

But it will be worth it in the end. I can’t afford to become complacent again.

#Damasca's musings reblog #I hope I achieve all of these goals #I have some other goals I'm hoping to acheive but they require other people

damascaramza

I still have Complex PTSD.

A month ago, my psychologist confirmed that I met the criteria.

It is still a relief to have the explanation on why I have never truly felt like I belonged anywhere. Like a stranger in a familiar land. Disconnected.

But it is also like opening Pandora’s Box. I’ve ended up very lost in thought about a lot of things and begun to question aspects of who I am. I have also remembered stuff I had buried a long time ago. So now I have quite a few things to talk to my psychologist about when I see them next.

Also it takes a lot of work to rebuild your life, especially when you’ve wasted so much of it and have to do the work on your own.

But I’m trying, because I still don’t want to live the rest of my life in regret, all alone and feeling like most people I care about would shrug apathetically if I died suddenly.

Healing is so very complicated, but I am hoping it will all be worth it.

#Damasca's musings reblog #also apparently sleep apnea and ptsd exacerbate each other #which honestly explains a lot #someday it will be worth all the heavy thinking and such if it means I'm in a better place mentally #also I really want someone to tell me I'm not alone and mean it.#it'd probably help with not feeling so disconnected or like I don't belong

damascaramza

I have become complacent.

This year has been difficult.

Due to a mixture of sleep issues and some pretty awful neck and shoulder pain, I’ve barely accomplished any of my personal or writing goals until May 2026. My only accomplishments before May 2026 were video game related.

Don’t get me wrong, I love video games and they will be an important part of my life and soul until the day that I drop dead. But they aren’t the centre of my world anymore.

This lack of personal accomplishment and the pain I have endured have left me trapped in survival mode and feeling like an utter failure.

It was only this week that I realised that despite my attempts in the past 10 months to branch out, expand my horizons and become a more well-rounded person, I have lapsed back into survival mode and complacency due to the past few months of struggle and failure.

I understand why, but I do not forgive myself for it.

This needs to change.

I don’t have the time or luxury to feel sorry for myself or to make excuses.

I can offer several reasons for why I lapsed back into survival mode and complacency. But that doesn’t fix the problem.

It will take time to figure out how I will fix this in the long term. I have three ideas in the short term.

They aren’t perfect, but if I wait for the perfect idea or moment, I will be long dead and my ghost will haunt the waste dump that contains the urn with my ashes in it.

The first is to create a more ergonomic spot to write that is still comfortable, then power through any pain or discomfort and write. I used to do this all of the time when I was younger. And whilst I may not be able to do chapter outlines when I’m tired, have a headache or my eyes are dry and sore, I can type with my eyes closed.

I need to just push through the pain and write, take painkillers when safe and use my heat pack or heat gel on my neck and back when needed. Maybe also find an addition to my workout routine that will help with my shoulder and neck pain.

The second is to get back to trying new recipes. There are still so many that I haven’t tried and so much for me to learn. I know things are more expensive these days (And will regretfully get more expensive), but I want some variety in my meals.

Steak might be too expensive, but beef mince is still a good price. Same with pork. I’m sure I can find more affordable recipes to keep trying.

This weekend I’m making a teriyaki beef bowl, which should be tasty if the recipe’s reviews are accurate.

There are also several things that I want to learn to bake, like various types of cake or biscuits or pastries. But I don’t want to eat them on my own. Baked goods aren’t quite as enjoyable to eat alone.

The third is to force myself to go outside at least once a weekend. Even if it’s just for a short walk up to a nearby café or for a long walk, I need to get more fresh air and sunlight. I also need to avoid my place becoming a tomb or a prison, because it sure feels that way sometimes.

Will all of this work in shaking me out of my complacency and getting me back on track? I truly don’t know. But I would rather try and fail instead of letting myself rot away and feeling bad about myself.

Simply existing and surviving are not enough for me. I want to live. I want to thrive. I want to actually be happy for more than seconds at a time every few weeks.

And no one is coming to save me.

#Damasca's musings reblog #I may never have a 100% good sleep due to my sleep apnea (which is a chronic illness)#but I will do my best to make the most of my time #I can't let depression or sleep apnea or CPTSD get the best of me #this is my body and my mind not theirs