dampflower

i like pink basically a public journal

[dampflower]

I dont deserve him

[dampflower]

someone said that they felt like an ugly girl dressing up as a pretty girl, and i don't think that will ever not be true. it's so strange. I won't notice it for a bit, and then it'll settle in my heart like a punch in the gut. it stings and it hurts but it's all I know. I find comfort in it.

[dampflower]

I spend so much time trying and yearning to be pretty that I don't think I know how to just exist. the way I dress, how I style my hair, my lip gloss and how I stand, the faces I make, everything.

absolutely everything belongs to the public. I exist to be enjoyed. I exist to perform, and I exist to deliver.

[dampflower]

sometimes, I wish people were just cruel, so I had a justification for how disgusting and appalling I feel. there's no reason for this contempt in my gut, but it is always there, calling me a dumb girl for even thinking I could be worthy of good things.

but people aren't cruel, and I'm just bad

[dampflower]

majority of the time, I feel the ache in my chest, but sometimes it's in my fingertips and nail beds. It stings like I've been trying to pull off whatever skin covered these arteries. like my heart is rejecting the feeling of touch no matter how much I crave it.

I think of things that I know will hurt me because it's the only thing I have control over, it's the only thing that I can feel willingly. I feel comfortable in this hurt, and I relish in it.

[dampflower]

you're so sweet. It makes me feel bad. I don't deserve how you treat me. all this awkward flirting makes me ache because I know nothing will come of this. you'll get bored and then uncomfortable, then you'll be gone. and I just have to live with the fact that it was my fault, and I was never meant to feel that kind of love in the first place.

[dampflower]

"what an ugly, rotten girl,"

these past few weeks, that's all that's been playing in my head. on repeat. when there's a lull in conversation or a random silence in the room. I repeat it like a mantra.

"ugly, ugly girl. what a stupid, ugly girl"

it makes me feel bad, like it makes my heart ache, but it's almost like an instinct.

like the reason I don't feel loved, and the reason I'm this way is simple. because I'm an ugly and stupid girl.

[dampflower]

I should be prepared. because the time will come where I'm shown that I'm not really as seen as I think I am. where I'm shown that I play a much smaller role than I think I do. it makes me nauseous to think about. but deep down, I've already accepted it. I know I'm a nuisance, an annoyance really. it'll just hurt when I have to come face to face with it.

[dampflower]

I get my hopes up too often. I'm treated with the slightest touch of sweetness, and my heart swells. I begin to think I'm special, no matter how unlikely. how stupid of me. you are not worthy of this. why would you even think so. how naive. how stupid, how childish. so so stupid

[dampflower]

love, despite my rot, is all I can give you. I have no beauty, I have no kindness, I have no warmth. but I'll give you all the love that remains in my heart. it's all I have. I don't need it anymore, please just let me give you this one thing.

[dampflower]

my soul is ugly and filthy. she's so hideous. I'd hate to be the one to witness when she releases all her ugly emotions. So disgusting and putrid, unworthy of care and love. So rotten and decrepit. It makes my heart ache when I'm reminded of her.

[dampflower]

I'm stupid, I'm so so stupid. I'm so stupid and everything I do is just a projection of how little I actually use the rotting piece of flesh in my skull. I am rotten and disgusting. I am cruel and unforgiving. I am an ugly, ugly, ugly creature.

and God, am I so so stupid. I'm so sorry.

[dampflower]

hideous, hideous, ugly creature. unlovable and undesirable. so, so, ugly.

"ugly" is such a shallow word. wretched and grotesque, are what I am. I am rotten and irremediable. I am tired and unworthy.

I wish on every fallen eyelash, and I've made my 100 paper stars but love is disgusted by me. she wants nothing to do with me and all of the horrible feelings housed in my heart. I wish I were lovable.

[dampflower]

are you embarrassed of me? should I really just be sitting here waiting for you to look at me? I want to be seen and loved and held and loved some more. I wish i was worth that. I wish I deserved that. but I don't. and I never will. because I'm not special and I'm not unique. I am not lovable nor beautiful. I deserve to be cast aside and ashamed of. and that is all I will ever be.

[dampflower]

I crave to be pretty in the way that I linger for a few seconds after seeing me. just enough that you might think of me later when recalling your day. I wish to be beautiful and lovely. I want to be clean and wonderful. but I am ugly and rotten. my heart is spoiled, and all that's left to do is trash it.

[dampflower]

how I crave to feel loved and enjoyed. I want to feel as though my presence is desired and beloved. I want my heart to feel full. but it's not about what I want. this is exactly what I deserve. I am hideous and vile. I am gross and deceitful. apathetic and unlovable, just as it was intended.

[dampflower]

I am nothing. I will never be anything worth loving. I come to this realization every night when I'm supposed to be asleep. to top it off, all I do is whine, whine, whine.

"this is so hard", "my head hurts", "I feel so bad", "me, me, me, blah blah"

It wouldn't be so bad if I'd just suck it up and deal with it.