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@danathedreamer
08/05/2023
The Last Poem That I Write For You
Tell me when exactly it all changed
The exact moment you decided
That the love was no longer there
Because while Newton said
That the first law of thermodynamics
States that energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed
How is it possible that the energy you felt towards me, the energy you called love,
Is now simply…gone?
Tell me how you’re so good at getting women
But not at keeping them
I could only assume it was an aftermath of not receiving the love
from the very woman who should have loved you first,
when she let you into this world, but not into her heart
They say that the first cut is the deepest
And that’s the first heartbreak you’ve never been able to heal
Each day I survived without answers to these questions,
It started to make sense
I am not heroic enough to love you through the complications,
not at the expense of cutting myself with the very scalpel I wanted so badly to use on fixing your injuries
In the end Newton was right,
Energy cannot be destroyed—
I realize this as I watch my love for you transform
From one so passionate and burning, one that always has to be near you
To loving you from afar,
As an old friend you might think of every now and then,
Wholeheartedly accepting that I am not for you
and you are not for me
11/01/2023
"Color my life with the chaos of trouble"
Romanticizing life as a flaw
I've always been one to romanticize my otherwise uneventful life—my me-times, quiet nights reading poetry, or going to coffee shops alone. It must've been all the romantic films I've watched through all my life that led me to believe that my life is a movie and I am the main character waiting for the right person.
However, circumstances have pointed out to me that life isn't romantic. Being broken up with isn't romantic. Healing and moving on isn't as therapeutic as it is portrayed in motion pictures. It is a constant struggle everyday to choose to move forward.
I'm starting to get used to spending time alone now. Funny how, the point of life before was to meet someone to fall in love with and have a happy ever after. I see now romanticizing everything in my life has been a flaw. Now I'm 25 and on a journey to being okay with being alone. Now the point of life is being okay during the process of rebuilding myself.
I'll get there.
I don't have to be happy. I just have to be okay. :)
Learning stoicism
A year ago me thought being stoic was just a really really more intellectual way of being emotionless. To be stoic was to never let anything ever affect you. Cold. Heartless. Strong? But these recent events have forced me to redirect every perspective I’ve cradled in life so far.
I will never forget the first time I read Marcus Aurelius’ words, “the happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.” and how those words plucked new chords into my soul. Anything that is external from me, I cannot control. Anything that is beyond my control isn’t worth the suffering.
To be stoic, I learned, is accepting every possible outcome. The good. The bad. The ugly. The rejection. There is virtue in the strength to be at peace with whatever happens that is beyond my control.
I got into my first med school and failed miserably. Got into depression. Got back up. Lost my dad at 21. Persisted. Persevered. Went through a break up. Fell in love again. Going through a break up again. It’s funny how life’s a full circle. These past few weeks have been one of the hardest times I’ve experienced in life but I’ve never felt more strong.
The truth is, I don’t think I can ever be as stoic as I would’ve hoped to be in every aspect of my life. To know myself means understanding that I’m emotional as fuck. But at this moment, during this very significant low in my life, I’m happy to have chanced upon how to be stoic. I’ve learned to accept that not everything will ever go according to how I want things to be and that is perfectly okay.
It was the summer before my first year in medical school and I never saw it coming—my dad’s death. It was so untimely that I wasn’t able to process it until I finally saw him in the morgue, on a cold steel table. He wasn’t the first who died in our big family, but he was my dad. His death was the one that mattered the most, that hurt the most. The cadaver dissection for gross anatomy that soon came was one of the hardest things I ever had to overcome. I had to get past my trauma and fear of these steel death tables and turn them into skill I can use for saving lives. I’m now in my third year, persevering through everything. I always tell myself that if I can get through my dad’s death, I can get through med school throws at me.
How can death be such a personal experience when I haven’t even felt dying? The darkness in the funeral morgue represents the darkness of loss. The darkness that surrounds death of a loved one is only temporary and light can be seen from above. Eventually time heals the wounds and we come to realize that after death comes peace and light for the ones we love. I love to think that my dad is now in a beautiful place filled with flowers where he can rest. Nothing is more beautiful than turning grief into everlasting love even when the physical body of the person we love can no longer be seen.
Sa gitna ng gabi, isip ay lumalalim 'Di madapuan ng antok, kinukurot ng 'yong alaala
Kamusta ka kaya?
Templo
Ginawa mo akong templo
ng ‘yong mga alaala.
Ngayong wala nang tayo,
ngayong wala ka na
Sabihin mo sa akin,
anong gagawin ko sa kanila?
D.R. Castillo
I Hope You Like Yourself as a Poem
They say,
the best way
to get over someone
is to turn them
into literature
So now I’m
Planting you as poetry
and watering you with words
To become verses
I’d read
and reread
Until I finally
fall asleep
We’re back from outer space !!!! (I mean med school🤪) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQxT2wKBA0S/?utm_medium=tumblr
❤️ _ #igart #igdaily #artistsoninstagram #digitalart #digitalillustration #womensupportingwomen #womenartists #womenartistsofinstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/CEWRn3sBaWQ/?utm_medium=tumblr