Sexual Assault and Self Love
So I really don’t know where to start…or why I feel the need write this for everyone to see, but here it goes.
I was sexually assaulted. For the sake of autonomy I won’t name him on here, but it took me 4 months to even say his name out loud to myself. It took another 2 months to tell my friends and even then, I was wasted and under so much stress I thought my world was imploding.
So I cracked. My heart broke, my world seemed twisted and weird, and my life didn’t quite make sense, like it wasn’t my own. I lost who I was, who I am, and who I wanted to be in that 30 minute time span last Fall where I did nothing to stop the unwanted penetration from behind. I thought we were both going to sleep after the alcohol started getting the better of us. Sure, we made out and messed around, but I drew the line and said no. He said okay and we went to sleep. I woke up around 3am realizing that something wasn’t right, but I was still too drunk and froze.
I didn’t push him away. When I finally found mobility, I actually pulled him closer and started kissing him, hoping that if I seemed into it, he would finish faster and it would stop.
Let’s look at what I just said there, “hoping that if I seemed into it, he would finish faster and stop”. In my drunken state I froze, and then allowed my body to be used in hopes that it would make it ‘quicker’. Less drawn out. Less memorable in the morning. I let my body be used because I thought that his pleasure was my responsibility no matter what my boundaries were. After all, he gave me a good time and called me “beautiful” and “hot” and said he “just couldn’t control himself” because of my body and looks. I felt obligated so I didn’t come across as a ‘bitch’ or a 'tease’.
Since when is sex an obligation? Since when did I care about being labeled by how I was in bed? Since when did I feel like I owed my drunk one night stand anything more than what I was willing to do and was vocal about from the beginning?
My roomate had come in after we had fallen asleep and was sleeping in her bed across the room. When I realized she was back, I didn’t want to wake her up. She was NEXT to us and I didn’t call out for help. I lived in a house with 12 girls and had 2 suite mates, I did nothing. I let it happen and not once did I ask for help. I hoped that I was going to be too drunk to remember, but instead I woke up not wanting to be touched and not wanting to talk to anyone.
How had I let this happen? I’ve had plenty of drunk nights where things started going too far, but I was able to stop them and that boundary was respected. In previous drunken situations, I was still in control of my self and my body. What was so different about this time? I set my boundaries but I didn’t act when I could.
I never really talked about it and never really revisited that moment. The moment where I was no longer in control and when I gained an awareness, I didn’t ask for help. I thought it was my fault that he wasn’t satisfied.
I still get flash backs and random anxiety attacks because I flash back to the feeling of regret, the feeling of trying to regain power in a powerless situation, the feeling of anger and confusion, the feeling of not knowing what this meant, and afraid of how it would change me. I consider myself a strong independent young women, and it took less than 30 minutes for that happy girl to start wondering and questioning and feeling uncomfortable in her own skin.
He wasn’t a random a guy at a random party. He was the brother of a friend who was visiting and we met at a small house party. We drank too much and one thing led to another and we messed around and everything was fine. Waking up to that though? That was not fine.
It was not my fault. I didn’t ask for it. I wasn’t asked if it was okay. No matter how inebriated people are and no matter your personal connection to them, your body is yours. You deserve the right to love and cherish it. Don’t ever let someone make you feel otherwise. I did and it sucks. It seems like I’ve been through every possible phase of how this affects a person. I taught myself how to stop the anxiety attacks before they escalate too quickly and calm myself down before I allow myself to feel so powerless and out of control.
I’m finely going to start talking to someone who can help, and I think that’s such a huge step for me. I’m making me a priority and having a healthy mind is just as important as having a healthy body. Without one, you can’t have the other. Growth for each takes time, commitment, and above all, love.
If no one has told you that they love you, for all you have to offer, just know that I do. I love you for all that you are.
I started off not knowing where I was going with this post, but I hope this reaches someone who needs it. You are worthy of love and you are special. Tell yourself this everyday, because it’s true. You are worthy of self love and self worth.
jacobvanloon
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romaincrisis
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