The Life of a Depressed Dancer

I thought this theme fit because it's like I'm sending letters about my life to the people who follow me.

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Oops...

Oh, here’s the link for that video I mentioned.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZfR7qc0WVs

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Back at It

Well, it’s been a long ass time. I don’t even know if anyone still knows I have this tumblr. I know I promised some choreography earlier this year, but I got busy all of a sudden because I got a job, and then college came around and the necessity for distraction from my rough patch just kinda went away. Then I found myself accidentally gravitating back to watching choreography on YouTube through the ever present and ever dangerous comment section aka the college student’s second best procrastination tool (second only to Netflix). I actually watched about 3 hours today without even realizing it, and ended up getting really inspired by one that I’ve seen before, but for some reason it just made something click. I can’t promise any high quality videos soon (probably gonna have to wait for (maybe) Thanksgiving or (more likely) Winter Break for those because I need my sister’s camera, but I’m back at it. 

...did I just type an entire post just to not be read...probably. 

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Return of the Blog

Alright guys, I know it’s been an incredibly long time, but I made a promise to a friend that I would bring this back if I ever felt like I needed it, so it’s back. The stories/reasons as to why will be released with something new I’m gonna try, and that’s put my first publicly-viewable choreography to express how I’m feeling on the internet (big surprise cuz of the name, right?) It’s still in the early stages, and it’s been over a year since I’ve even attempted choreographing, so not only will it take a long-ass time, but it’ll be complete shit, but I heard a song that fits what I’m feeling pretty well, so I’m gonna give it a shot.

More to come guys, thanks for listening!

Ryan

[dancemakeslifebetter]

So close...

It's been almost a month since I made the decision to get better, and perhaps I am. Although there are still some very bad days, I seem to be headed in the right general direction. With any hope, that trend will continue. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually looking forward to being able to rant about college auditions, hopefully it will mean I'm no longer as depressed.

I don't know how long it has been since my last post, but I have lasted this long without thoughts of suicide or antisocial drinking. (A glass of wine in good company hardly counts towards the type of drinking I was trying to rule out does it?) Also, I've managed to wane off caffeine enough to the point where I can use it only in the most dire situations. I think perhaps I have become a much healthier person in more than just getting over my depression.

But now the real test. Can I completely strip away all the covering up I've done over the past year in front of my therapist and tell him how I truly feel? Wednesday is the day I've been waiting for for about a month now. I've become so good at lying and containing my own feelings that I am not sure how to release them and talk about them. I want to become someone who can truly help others from experience, and yet I'm hardly walking the walk. Somehow, I continue to trick two physicians and a psycho-analysis test into thinking there is nothing wrong, even though three days from now I am planning on going into my therapist's office and saying something along the lines of "hey so I've been sorta lying the whole time about how much better I'm feeling. I do feel like there is a much lower occurrence of thoughts of hurting myself or suicide, but I still believe that I have an underlying problem with depression." Not exactly something I would hope to say anytime soon, and yet I promised two very important people in my life I would. Thank you Darby and Beth, you both have helped me so much in cleaning up my life and mean so much to me. 

And then there's the other problem. How do I approach my parents if all Shawn says is "I'm sorry, that may just be anxiety with the upcoming college process, senior year, etc... I don't see any symptoms of depression". I mean, I guess that may be true, but that's not what I think. I don't know that I could exactly say "Hey mom and dad, I want a second opinion on something" and then expect them not to start freaking out. I mean, I know that if Shawn does sign me up for anti-depressants my parents will know, but I really was hoping it'd be something that was more or less unsaid between us. The last time they discovered I was depressed, I saw my dad cry for the first time in his life (the only other time being my grandpa's funeral) and my mom felt as though she had failed me because she wasn't there for me. I can't put them through that again. I also don't want to just go up to Shawn and tell him I need anti-depressants. 

Well, I've got 2 days to figure it out. Times ticking. Fuck I hate deadlines.

Also, first college audition November 16th, and guess who's driving down to Eugene on their own without any moral support. Guess it's time to get used to it. 

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Time for a fucking change.

I'm about to start one of the most important years for my whole fucking music career. If I don't get into a music school, I'm essentially condemned to a shitty career. So this is it. Time for me to clean my life up, and get my shit together.

First, I've been sweeping my depression and anxiety problems under a rug. I'm so fucking good at hiding stuff that I've tricked a professional neuroscientist and his tests. Well that's over. My mom is scheduling an appointment with my therapist, and I am going to tell him that I've been lying to him about getting better, tricking myself into thinking I am, and ignoring relapses. This ends now, by whatever means necessary. 

Second, I've been pretending that my anger is okay. To anyone I've ever hurt (only one person I know reads this) I'm sorry. I can't excuse my actions of the past, but there is no changing them, so I can't dwell on it. All I've got to say is that my attempt at repentance is changing my ways. No more fighting except to protect the ones I love. No more angry cussing... unless I'm driving, but then it's nothing personal. I'm going to learn to control myself so I'm not a powder keg waiting to explode.

Finally, my love. Darby Cates Hennessey means the world and more to me. I know we can't be together right now, but this movement, this change for the better is for us. I know that me being angry is a problem, and so I'm going to fix it. I know that me being jealous is a problem, and so I'm going to fix it. I know me being depressed and anxious is a problem, so I'm going to fix it. Para ti mi amor. Gracias, y te amo.

My time apart from the one I love the most isn't all for nothing. It isn't a time for me to mope around. It's a time for me to shape up my life, and become someone who can be a proud person, and eventually a proud husband and a proud father. But that can wait for a while, because right now, I'm gonna be me.

Also, thank you Beth. I'm not sure you will ever see this, but I really appreciate the fact that you brought this up with me. 

[xodream-of-lifexo-deactivated20]

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Aint this the truth

[thepurplehouse]

[dancemakeslifebetter]

our 6 months would be in a week in a half. guess i just am incapable of even succeeding for more than a few months in a relationship.

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Days since drinking: 0 

Days since contemplating suicide: 0

Days without insomnia: 0

This ends now. Therapy doesn't help anymore, it makes it worse. I don't know what else there is to do, but you can bet that I'm gonna get my shit together. I need to. I will try and keep this count current so anyone who reads this (probably no one, even though I like to pretend people care) can keep up with my recovery.

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Conflict

It's incredible how some of my most correct realizations occur in the morning. I guess that's why it is good that I'm choosing a career which will most likely be centered around the night. I was lying in bed, a couple beers down, on the verge of suicide, when I saw something beautiful. It wasn't a hallucination, I'm not that far gone. I closed my eyes and saw my future family. I saw my wife, Darby, and our two kids. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this. I love you Darby, I love you dearly and I always will. I don't understand why we aren't together to be honest, and I'm sorry that you are having to hear this through a blog and not me. I don't want it to be that way because I know you don't want to, but I would literally swear off all other girls if it meant I got to be with you for the rest of my life. I don't want a relapse to where I was freshman and sophomore year, but its happening for whatever reason. My music choice is falling back to the depressing rap that I used to listen to (particularly Eminem) and I can't see beyond today. Sorry, I'm ranting. I don't understand why we aren't together. You keep saying you want to experience college, and yet you hooked up with your first guy tonight and you felt guilty. Call me crazy, but if that were happening to me (which it is...) I would see it as a sign. Maybe we aren't meant to be together but you deserve better than the casual hook up. I swear to fucking god, if anyone is using you I will personally come mutilate them before killing them, but if you find another guy that you love, I will also be ok with that too. I really want you to be happy, and if that means someone else, as you wish. I will always be here for you, whether it is a shoulder to cry on or someone to call when you're walking home in the dark. I love you dearly. I don't think words can truly describe how I feel about you. And that is why my heart is being torn out when I find out that I am making you guilty. I will always love you. But go have fun. If you want me to be happy, go have fun. I won't love hearing about the guys, but I'll survive. I've already talked to a couple friends to make sure that if things really turn for the worse they will get me help. Don't worry about that. You go enjoy yourself, make friends, fuck guys (you don't know how hard it was even to type that) and we can reconsider at the end of the term or year or something. If you want to.

Te amo mi amor. Te amo para el resto de mi vida. 

I'm sorry, but we knew from the beginning this was how it was going to end. You and I both know that there is a chance of us later, but for now, I will not tie you down.

And please be honest with you about guys. You know I'm here as your friend first. That comes in front of everything else. And I'm also serious that I will come down there to protect you if I have to.

[dancemakeslifebetter]

It's not that I'm getting judged mom, it's that I am performing at the funeral of one of the people I've looked up to for my whole life.

This performance may not mean a lot to anyone else, but it does to me, and these pieces are sure as hell NOT performance ready. Now if you want to go half ass it not feel awesome about how you played mom that would be fine if it was you soloing but I'm gonna work my ass off EVEN IF it means I am not spending time with the family. You guys can give me a spring break where I don't spend every goddamn minute with you. For fucks sake, you should be happy i'm practicing. I guarantee about 5 people in the band are even gonna look at their instrument. So either practice your part or I will get my cousin to accompany me. Holy shit. The fact that you have messed up on the same part and not practiced it means I'm actually gonna have to teach you how to practice. YOU CAN'T JUST PLAY A PIECE LIKE THIS 20 TIMES AND EXPECT IT TO BE PERFECT. IT IS AN OPERA ARRANGED BY A PROFESSOR AT THE GODDAMN JULLIARD SCHOOL OF MUSIC. AND POSSIBLY THE BEST TROMBONIST EVER TO PLAY! 

[crushyourheartbebroken]

tell me i’m pretty

new dress from urban so worth it

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Darby you're gorgeous <3

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Fucking A

I thought I was done with this. I thought i could move on and get away, but turns out I need to fucking rant.

Linnea deserves better. I can't be the one to ruin her. I hurt everyone, most people without even dating. The only way to save her is to put as much distance between her and myself as possible. I'm sorry Linnea.

Days since contemplating suicide:

Yesterday: almost two months

Today: 0

[dancemakeslifebetter]

When you try your best but you don't succeed...

Sometimes things don't work out. Or in m case they never do...

I think pretty soon this tumblr may not be existent. For the three of you who followed me, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, tumblr has become a place of brooding and thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking about unavailable people. Unfortunate, but just the way it is. I deeply regret letting this happen, but to the three of you (although two of you i don't know) thank you

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Day 5

Darby, I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. I'll keep trying, but right now I'm halfway through a six page paper and dozing off. I seem to be getting less and less into it. But you can't say I didn't try. Imma keep this one short.

Good day. Marching point at homecoming (i think) and I'll probably be drum major at starlight. 

Girls swooned over me today for some reason. Happens about once a month when girls seem to obsess over me and then it stops... I don't know what the fuck is up with that...

I sound good on the trombone, but not amazing. I'm the best at lakeridge, but in the scheme of things thats not saying much. I'm definitly better at jazz. 

Dance on saturday. Get to see the team, but my solo's choreo isn't anywhere near done. 

Only bad thing really i guess was having this damn paper. But I gotta finish it now. much love to all my friends who will always be there for me.

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Day 4... which was actually yesterday...

Okay I know it was actually yesterday... but by the time Darby reminded me to write this I was stuck thinking about stuff and didn't feel like writing. Apparently I wasn't in the mood to write last night because I just kept a bullet point list. I'll try my best to explain now.

Good: Diana wants to be friends again and I can handle it without going insane, I might walk point at homecoming parade tomorrow, most my grades are A's, For once in forever my trombone is fully functional, I've got the worlds best best friend who is also my soulmate <3

Bad: Parents are still giving me shit about the battle, Sophie is being a bitch, I'm broke as hell, its way to easy to miss assignments in honors chem, and my music is not lookin good for auditions and admission to school

I'll start off with the good. Diana and I had a rough time last year trying to make things work, and she let go a lot easier than I did. I wasn't even ready 3 months later when she finally started texting me. But now I am ready to reopen our friendship, because although she may not be the best for me relationship wise, she was there for me alot throughout last school year before I found Darby to talk to. 

Second, I MIGHT FUCKING MARCH POINT AT HOMECOMING TOMORROW!!! Fuck yes. I have always wanted to, and apparently this year I am the best marcher so I get the spot. So when there are pictures of me marching in the LO Review and I'm front and center... YUSSSSS. And also, (assuming Alston doesn't decide he needs as many trombones as he could get) I might get to be drum major at the Starlight Parade! 

Not much to say about grades and my trombone.

Darby. Darby Cates Hennessey. You are the epitome of beauty. I love you so much, and I hope you know that, even though I get on your nerves so much. Rawrrr. Can't wait for Spain and Agapito <3

And now the bad. 

After Alston told me i wasn't doing the battle tomorrow night, my parents started giving me crap. I was quiet about it hoping they would stop in a day or two. But nope, thats not the case. Theyre still goin on about how they helped me make the right choice blahblahblah I won't regret it blah blah blah. 

Not much to say about Sophie. she just has a habit of pushing me away. And money is self explanatory, same with honors chem.

But music is what makes me the most pissed right now (although I do know now that All state auditions are actually due later than I thought). Music is my passion, but I'm not good enough to go into it. Even just hearing the trombonist who was after me at my lesson today made me realize why I've never made all state. And on top of that, If i could get into any good music schools, my dad doesn't want me to do that. He actually talked to me about becoming a doctor. or a lawyer. basically every career that doesn't have time for music in their lives. I don't want to do that dad. I want to do me, and I'm a musician. So you can... Nevermind I'll keep that thought to myself.

Overall, yesterday was a 4. Its gradually getting better (as you will see tonight when I post my post about today.) Thanks to all the people in my life who love me and put up with me being selfish and self absorbed in a sad way. 

[dancemakeslifebetter]

Day 3

Well, I have yet to have a day I've been positive about. Yet another day went by where I didn't get to see the person I love most. To think being across a lake can be such a barrier. 

School started well, and ended well. What happened after the final bell rang is what sucked. I sat down in my band director's office and listened as he told me that if I chose a battle over the homecoming game, I would lose my chair. I would be below a freshman (although he is a trombonist in PYP). I want to go into music, so I just couldn't let that happen. I gave in and gave him my word that I would be at the game. 

Then I got home. Thank god I had an hour and a half to just rest before I had to endure a half hour speech from my dad about how I shouldn't worry so much about decisions because thats what adults were there for. To make sure we make the right decision. Have fun trying dad. I bid you good luck, especially seeing as I'm thinking of going 3000 miles away for college. (or however long it is to ASU). I got the same "we know best so listen to us next time" speech from my mom. 

Now I'm hella tired. I've still got all my homework, an APUS book review due by 10 pm on Sunday, and a family who is laughing at the fact that I even tried going to my band director. Cool. Y'all can have fun trying to keep me in line this year. 

Overall, another 1. Although I would have been dissapointed I missed one or the other, I feel like the battle was where I was most needed, and parents and other adults just can't understand that I guess. Also, I'm thinking of saving up for a new trombone, and then I realized that I would have to work incredibly long at minimum wage for a good one. Maybe I should try street performing.

[dancemakeslifebetter]

When two passions conflict with eachother

Day two of this experiment.

Too early to tell if its working. Today seemed like a good day to start. School went well. The band sounded awesome at the homecoming assembly, etc. I survived drivers ed. But then the shit started. 

My mom told my dad about the decision im trying to make between the battle and the game. He isn't too happy about it. He criticized the fact that I spent so much time dancing this weekend and none on trombone. Two days is all it takes for him to flip out about it, even though my chops were dead from the football game Friday. I thought he would understand as a brass player all through high school. I hate it.

And he doesn't want me to battle. He won't say it out loud, but all the way home from drivers ed he was lecturing me about how hip hop gets people shot, and anyone associated with it is in fact gonna kill me. For a guy who supports so many alternative lifestyles, you can be hella close minded dad. Bunky may not make a doctors salary, but he's doing what he loves. In fact, come to think of it, I'm not sure you're doing that. Maybe you're just jealous because he had the guts to go after his dream while you got stuck with a normal job. Sucks Dad, but some of us don't want to be doctors and lawyers. Where would all that music you listen to come from. 

All in all, my dad ruined my one good day in forever. It went from at least an 8 because for some reason girls were all over me today, to a fucking 1 tops cuz I might have to let my man Greyson down. He may be stuck partnerless. What am i gonna do...