Confession time: I used to absolutely hate being alone.
I grew up being constantly surrounded by people. My sister and I didn’t technically share a room growing up, but we always had sleepovers with one another (read: every night) so we essentially never left each other’s sides. When I moved away to college, it was really hard for me to lose that constant pillar of support. I missed staying up at night and just talking about whatever was on our minds. I missed having someone right there by my side who I could tell anything and everything to, and not have to worry about being judged. Of course we Facetimed, called, and texted one another all the time, but it was never the same as having her there with me.
Things got worse when I started spending time alone in my dorm room. Left alone with my thoughts, I began to spiral into a darker place with my mental health. Fortunately, I began to realize what was happening before it got too bad, so I began actively avoiding being alone at all costs. I constantly stayed in the communal spaces of my dorm, and became fast friends with people who lived on my floor who had similar schedules (i.e. people who were free at the same time I was.) For the rest of Freshman year, it worked. I was hardly ever by myself, and it was great.
Things changed in the beginning of my Sophomore year. My roommate, and a very close friend of mine, started longing for a romantic relationship. She joined a dating app, went on her first date, and after that it was pretty much history. Their relationship went from 0-100 in about 2.5 seconds, and she began staying over at her partner’s house on the weekends. My other roommate hated us (long story) and so she was never at home either, leaving me in an empty apartment EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.
At first, it was absolutely terrible. I would text all of my other friends to see if they were free to hang out, but that only worked sometimes. For the most part, I was left by myself, once again alone with my thoughts. This time; however, it was very different. It actually when I came up with a cleaning routine for me to carry out on the weekends. I was the only one of my roommates who really every cleaned our communal area (sucky, I know, but that’s how it was) so I needed some sort of routine.
I made a plan, and started blasting music in my headphones, dancing around while I cleaned. One thing that I had really really missed my Freshman year was being able to listen to whatever I want, and dance around the place like an absolute fool. I began to treasure those carefree moments of solitude, when I could just completely let go and embrace a childlike mindset for even just a moment. It only went up from there.
I began making extensive weekend plans including all of my cleaning, cooking, and homework. I know, it sounds super boring, but it was great because I would watch TV or listen to music the whole weekend. Unfortunately, my little pocket of freedom didn’t last long.
My aforementioned roommate (not the one who hated me) and her partner were essentially banished from where they had been staying on the weekends (her partner’s grandparents’ place) because they were too messy. So of course, they began staying at our apartment. Every single weekend, they would be in the living room, pressed against one another like they needed each other to breathe. They were constantly making out, constantly making dirty jokes, and constantly making me extremely uncomfortable. And of course they were SUPER messy, leaving food wrappers and empty beer cans and bottles literally everywhere.
I was no longer comfortable in my own apartment, but with most of my friends in relationships, I didn’t have anywhere to go. (I just realized that I haven’t mentioned it before now, but my family did not live close enough for me to justify going home every weekend, so that was out of the cards as well.) So, I did what every reasonable person who wants to avoid confrontation does: I shut myself in my room, put on soundproof headphones, and became a room hermit until they were gone. I would literally wait until they would leave, and then hurry to do all of my cooking and things that couldn’t be done in my bedroom before they returned.
Ultimately, I was still getting some alone time, but I was completely confined to my room unless I wanted to put myself in a completely uncomfortable position. I was so happy when the semester ended, so I could have a break from that situation. I wish I could say that it’s no longer an issue, but I am still rooming with that roommate, and she and her partner are still together. Fortunately, they’ve been away for most weekends, so hopefully they’ll continue to do so.
Now, in the Fall of my Junior year of college, I absolutely love spending time alone. I feel like I truly get to know myself when I am left with my thoughts and feelings. I have learned more about myself in the last year alone than I think I ever have in my life. Introspection is a powerful tool, and I make sure to utilize it as much as humanly possible. I have come to realize things about myself that I would have NEVER noticed had I not been in the situations I have been in as of late.
The college experience is something that is so glamorized in the media that it’s almost ridiculous. I think that it can be difficult for so many people when they realize that college isn’t a place where you’re constantly surrounded by people, and partying every weekend. That’s not to say that you don’t make friends, and that there aren’t parties to let loose at (there definitely are. Ask the people who live above me in my apartments. I don’t know WHAT they were doing at 4:00 this morning, but whatever it was, it was very loud.) You just spend a lot more time alone as a college student than anyone really tells you.
I think lots of people find it sad that I spend my weekends alone, but I have come to realize that I thrive on that alone time. I can now say with confidence that I would completely adore living alone. That was always something that worried me, because I have no desire to enter a romantic relationship anytime soon, and with all my friends pairing off, I will likely run out of people to be roommates pretty quickly. The prospect of living alone excites me now, because I know that I would continue to learn more about myself that way, and I know that I wouldn’t be lonely, because I now know how to handle being alone.
Accepting time alone with myself has been such a powerful experience for me. Even now as I’m writing this, my head is spinning with ideas of new things that I can discover though introspection. Everyday, I am growing and blossoming into a more mature adult, one who understands herself, and who she wishes to become. I look forward to spending more time within my own mind, provoking deep thoughts, and becoming more me than I have ever been before.
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