Imagine – Helping Dean cope after he comes back from Hell.
Warnings – Depression, mentions of almost suicide attempt.
A/N – I’m sorry that lately I’ve been rewriting some of my old imagines. I’m just not happy with some of them and thought I could rewrite them and make them better. I hope you guys don’t mind.
You woke up to the sound of someone knocking on your door, Sam was already home, Cas never knocked and Dean has been gone for a few years so you had no idea who it could be. You pulled your gun out from underneath your pillow and grabbed some holy water that was on your dresser just in case if you needed it. You slowly walked down the stairs and heard the knock again but this time louder and more aggressive than the one before.
You swung the door open and cocked your gun, shoving it in the persons face.
“Who the hell are y – Dean?” Your jaw dropped as you finally looked to see who it was. This couldn’t be real.
“Surprise” He said softly, leaning in to give you a hug until you stopped him.
“This isn’t funny. If you’re a demon or some shit I swear to God I’ll kill you right here, right now.”
“It’s me baby.” He sounded like Dean, had the same soft look in his green apple eyes, same lip curl he always had whenever he spoke, he even smelled like apple pie and beer still.
“Prove it…” Your voice broke, still not letting your guard down
He leaned over and grabbed the holy water out of your hands, throwing it in his own face and sighing with relief when nothing happened.
“Still here ain’t I?” He smiled, opening his arms out to you. You dropped your gun, ran up to him and hugged him as tight as you possibly could. You cried into his shoulder as he quietly cried into your neck, running his hand against your perfectly smooth hair.
“I don’t understand… how are you here?”
“I’m… I’m not sure…” You cupped your hands on his face and kissed him as if it was the last time you’d ever kiss him again. He sighed into the kiss and wrapped his arms around your waist, never wanting to let you go. Never again.
“Where’s Sammy?” Dean asked, looking around at the place which hasn’t changed much since he left.
“He’s still sleeping. We should definitely surprise him!” You said excitedly as Dean nodded. You took his hand and tip toed up the stairs and headed to Sam’s room. Dean opened the door slowly, trying to not wake his little brother up from his deep sleep. He walked over and kneeled down in front of Sam’s sleeping figure, poking his face to try to wake him up. After a few minutes one of his eyes finally opened.
“Hiya Sammy.” He smiled as Sam laid there, still not fully awake or alerted until he heard Dean’s voice which made him jump back and yelp.
“Holy – What the – How are you?!” Sam stuttered, trying to find the words to say.
“Just give me a damn hug” You watched as they hugged each other tightly, both getting teary eyed as they held each other. This was seriously the best day ever.
You and Sam barley left Dean’s side the whole day. Where ever he went, you guys would go.
“How are you feeling?” Sam asked as he watched Dean shove more popcorn in his mouth. You guys were all sitting in the living room catching up on shows Dean missed out on while he was gone.
“Considering I’m out of there and back with you guys, I’d say I’m pretty damn good.”
You watched him as his hands would twitch any time you or Sam would mention it. Dean had a bad habit of not talking about his feelings no matter how bad he was hurting which always drove you and Sam crazy. We knew this would be extremely hard for him, but he’s tough and knows how to handle things so you decided to not push him to talk about it if he didn’t want to.
“You know if you ever need to vent you can talk to me, right? I don’t care if it’s 12 PM or 3 AM I will be here.” You told him, placing your hand on top of his and giving it a soft squeeze. He didn’t reply and just gave you a smirk and a small nod.
It was around 2 AM now so you guys decided it was time to get some sleep. You realized Dean hasn’t been in your guys bedroom yet since he’s been back so you both got extremely excited as you walked up the stairs, fingers interlocking and never leaving each other’s sides. He slowly turned the door knob and let the door fling open as he stood there feeling a million emotions. It still smelt like how he remembered, still had all the family pictures on the walls along with the Guns N’ Roses poster you had bought him one day.
“I’m digging the new sheets” He smiled, feeling the silky fabric in between his fingers.
“Not much has changed, has it?” He asked as he looked around the room
“I tried to keep it the same. It took me forever to buy new sheets and a new pillow. I always made sure to keep yours in your spot though.”
You both turned off the lights and crawled into bed. It felt so weird to have someone on the other side again, you forgot what it felt like after a while to not have one side of the bed freezing cold and untouched. You laid on your side, sighing when you felt his arms wrap around your waist tightly and his lips on your neck.
“God, I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too. I really thought I’d never see you again.” You frowned, remembering how you felt when you found out what happened. Dean noticed you getting upset.
“Hey, look at me.” You turned over. He took your hands and placed them on his cheeks
“I’m right here. I’m real and I’m not going anywhere, never ever again baby.”
“I swear on my life.” You nodded and kissed him, feeling him smile against your lips. He was finally home.
“Please, I can’t hurt them… Please!” Dean yelled, waking you up.
“Dean? What’s going on?” You asked, turning on the lamp to see what was wrong.
“Please – They’re just kids... Don’t make me kill them, please!”
“Dean there’s nobody here, we’re okay!” You yelled, placing your hand on his shoulder
“Stop! Go away!” He swayed his arms, punching at the air while nearly hitting you a few times.
“Oh god, Oh god… No! No!” He screamed, waking himself up. He was panting and had sweat dripping down his face.
“Dean? Dean it’s just a nightmare. You’re okay.” You held him as he cried in your arms. You guys didn’t get any sleep that night.
The next morning Dean was very distant. When you went to hold his hand he’d twitch or pull away. If Sam asked him something he’d either mumble something rude under his breath or just ignore him completely. He didn’t eat breakfast, didn’t shower, nothing.
“What happened last night? I heard him yelling.” Sam whispered to you, looking over at Dean as he sat in the other room and drank.
“He had a really bad nightmare. I know he says he’s ok but I don’t think he really is.”
He didn’t answer and just sighed.
“I know he just came back from hell, and I know it’s going to be a long battle to help him hopefully one day get back to normal. We just have to help him and stick by his side through this rough time, alright?” You nodded, giving Sam a hug after. You went to get sit next to Dean when you noticed he was drinking whiskey this early in the day which was not like him at all.
“Whiskey at 10 in the morning?” You asked, he just grunted and took another sip.
“Dean, I know you don’t want to talk about how you feel because you never do but please –“
“Please! Please leave me be.” You jumped when he snapped, breaking your heart. You decided to respect his wishes and leave him alone. You went upstairs to take a shower and cried into your hands as the water hit your back. You heard a knock on the door, making you jump.
“Y/N? You alright?” Sam asked from behind the door
“Yes” You lied, but he believed you and left you alone.
You got out and changed into Dean’s favorite shirt that you owned, hopping he would notice. You walked down the stairs with confidence in your body as you smiled and sat next to him again.
“Remember this shirt? It’s your favorite”
“Oh yeah, it’s cute.” He looked at the shirt for a split second then turned his attention back to the tv and his whiskey. You looked down and just walked away.
You walked to the grocery store to get something to eat when you saw a big apple pie sitting on the counter.
“This would cheer Dean up” You thought to yourself, instantly grabbing the pie and putting it in your basket. You didn’t care how much it cost, as long as it made him happy you’d be happy. You decided to throw a few bottles of beer in there as well and a salad for Sam.
“Where’s Dean?” You asked Sam, noticing he wasn’t on the couch anymore
“In his room, he said he was going to take a nap.” You gave Sam his salad, put the beers in the fridge and ran upstairs to give Dean his pie.
“Guess what I got you babe” You said with joy, sitting at the end of the bed as he kept his eyes on the wall. You sat the pie on the night stand, hopping he would see it but he didn’t really move much.
“You haven’t had any in a long time, I think you deserve some. I won’t even ask for any”
“Thank you.” He said so quiet you could barley hear him. You sighed and rubbed his back, feeling him tense up to your touch.
“Please talk to me, you can’t keep this inside, Dean. It’ll tear you apart.” He didn’t reply as usual.
“At least eat for me, please?” He nodded so you handed him the fork you brought up. He thanked you again and listened as you walked out.
“He wasn’t sleeping” You told Sam, sighing as you popped open a beer and chugged it.
“Make sure he eats please, he hasn’t ate all day and it’s 9.”
“He’s killing himself by keeping his feelings to himself.”
“I know, It’s awful. But there’s not much we can do.”
You waited about an hour then went back upstairs to go to bed. You looked over and saw that a few pieces of the pie was missing which made you feel a little better.
“You ate! Thank you” You smiled, kissing his cheek. You texted Sam and told him the good news then went to sleep, leaving Dean up all by himself.
You woke up and felt around for Dean but he wasn’t there, scaring you half to death until you noticed the bathroom light on down the hall. You got up, went to knock on the door until you heard stifled crying coming from inside. You felt your heart break, wanting to help him but he wouldn’t let you. You waited a few minutes then finally knocked, making him jump.
“Dean, it’s me. Can I come in?”
“Go back to bed, honey. I’ll be out soon.”
“Dean I could hear you crying – please let me help.”
“There is no helping me, now go back to bed.” You knew you weren’t going to win this time so you went back to bed and cried as you laid there, wishing he was with you. It felt like he was gone all over again.
It’s been 4 months and Dean has gotten worse. The only time he leaves his bed is to go to the bathroom or get food at 2 in the morning when nobody else Is up. He showers 2 days a week, only eats when you or Sam scream at him to and drinks nothing but alcohol all day every day.
“Dean, you know I think your beard is really sexy but I’m begging you please shave that thing” You laughed, running your hand on his cheek.
“I used to beg you to never shave, and now I can’t get you to do it for nothing. What has gotten into you?”
“Hell has gotten into me, y/n. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I could try to understand, if you would just talk to me.”
“But Dean, you’re never going to feel better if you don’t –“
“I said no! Leave me the hell alone!” He yelled, shaking you to the core. Dean has never raised his voice like that at you before.
“You know what? The night you came back you promised on your life I would never lose you again. That was a lie, because I have lost you Dean Winchester, I lost you again.” You slammed the door, crying into your hands as you ran to Sam’s room.
“Y/N? What’s wrong?” He asked, bringing you into his arms and holding you as you sobbed against his chest.
“I don’t know who Dean is anymore, Sam. I really think we lost him. Hell took him away from us and brought back some depressed, hateful dude for his replacement. I hate it so much.”
“I know, I know.” He shushed you, rubbing your shoulder as you cried.
“I know he’s been through more than any human on this earth can imagine, but it just sucks. I feel like he’s sucking the life out of me.”
You decided to sleep in Sam’s room that night. He slept on the couch while Dean “slept” in his room as always. Sam jumped when he heard something coming from the kitchen, sighing when he realized it was just Dean.
“You scared the shit out of me, man.” He chuckled but stopped when he saw Dean carrying a bag.
“Anywhere that’s not here. I can’t keep hurting you and y/n this way, Sammy.” That’s the most Dean has spoke in months
“So you’re leaving to not hurt us? That’s stupid, that’ll hurt us even more!”
“You’ll all be better off when I’m gone.”
“Don’t be so selfish, you know that’s not true.” Sam stood up and walked over to him
“Here come on, let me take your bag”
“No! Back off!” He yelled, pulling his bag away from his hand.
“Don’t hurt us this way Dean, please!”
“Trust me, you’ll thank me later.”
“No!” He yelled, grabbing the bag again until Dean punched him in the jaw. Sam looked up at him with shock and sadness in his eyes.
That was it, he was gone. How was he going to tell y/n about this? That her boyfriend she tried so hard to stay strong for, tried so hard to help him to the point it was killing her too that he just gave up and left?
You woke up to someone throwing and breaking stuff. You jumped out of your bed and ran towards the noise
“Sam what are you doing?” You asked, watching as he slammed the wooden chair against the brick wall
“What are you talking about?”
“You heard me. He left, like we didn’t matter or something.”
You sat on the floor and cried. How could he do this? Was he safe? Where is he? Will he ever come back? So many questions with no answers to be found.
“Last night. I was sleeping on the couch and caught him before he left. That’s how I got this” He turned around and revealed his bruised face.
“Oh Sammy” You said sadly, watching as he tried with all his might to not break down and cry
“I tried to take his bag so he punched me, y/n. He’s never hit me like that before.” You didn’t answer and just stood there in shock.
“You were right, I think we did lose him.”
You went out for a drive to get some fresh air. Sam wanted to be left alone anyways so you figured you could go out and get a few things done. You drove towards a bridge where you saw someone leaning against the railing, making your heart stop. You pulled over to the side, put your car in park and ran over to the man.
“Wait, don’t do anything!” You yelled, running over to him not even paying attention to the cars flying by.
“Hey! What are you doing? Are you alright?” You asked, but the person didn’t reply.
“Come on, let’s get you somewhere safe” you placed your hand on the persons shoulder and finally saw the persons face, but it was the last person you expected to see.
“Oh, fuck.” He whispered, both of you looking at each other with shock.
“Oh my god, oh my god… You weren’t going to..”
Dean didn’t say anything and just looked away, to ashamed to look at you.
“I’m getting real tired of you telling me no, Dean. Please get in the fucking car!” He shook his head and grumbled, grabbing his bag angrily and throwing it in your trunk. The car ride was so tense, it felt like there was no air.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” You asked, gripping your fingers on the steering wheel
“It don’t matter. You caught me, happy now?”
“I haven’t been happy in months! You’re killing me! I’m trying so hard to stay strong for you and then you just leave without even saying goodbye!” Your voice broke, trying to hold back your tears.
“I couldn’t say goodbye because if I did I would of stayed! I had to leave, I’m tired of hurting you and Sam.”
“Yeah is that why you punched him?”
“Don’t.” He growled, keeping his eyes on the window next to him.
“You broke his heart. You’re killing me, and you’re breaking him all because you won’t open up about how you feel!”
“No! You don’t run away from your problems Dean, you figure them out! You talk them out with the people you love.” You decided to pull over next to a cornfield and walk around to get some air. You sat on the hood and jumped as you heard Dean coming. He sat next to you and looked up at the sky.
“I killed… so many people when I was there y/n. I killed so many people I lost track.” You looked at him, letting him continue
“I killed families, kids y/n… no older than 6 sometimes. Every time I try to sleep I hear their blood curdling screams and I can feel their blood all over me… I haven’t slept in days. I’m scared to blink because every time I do I see their poor little faces.”
“And then I killed you. He made me kill you and Sam and that fucking destroyed me. That’s why I can’t stay with you guys, every time I see you or him all I can think about is the torture I felt in there. I’m so scared that one day I’m going to lose it and hurt you both or worse. If I ever… did something like that I would never be able to live with myself. I’d absolutely die.” He was in tears by now as were you. You placed your hand on top of his and rubbed your thumb across his skin, making him gasp and cry more.
“I love you so much. You are my world and I’m so sorry I don’t like opening up about how I feel. I didn’t realize how bad it was hurting you. I’m sorry, really sorry.”
“I know you’re hurting, but we will get through this.” You reassured him, jumping off the hood of the car and giving him a tight hug. He clenched onto your shirt and cried as if he hasn’t cried in years. He let out everything he’s been holding in for months.
“You’re right here, you’re real and you’re not going anywhere never ever again. Remember?” You placed your hands on his face, reminding you both of his first night back home.
“Thank you, for sticking with me.”
“I love you, you don’t need to thank me. I know you’d do the same for me.”
You went back home. Sam and Dean talked for awhile and Dean apologized for hitting him, admitting he wasn’t himself and Sam understood. Everything was finally starting to be ok.
“Y/N, I think I need to shave.” He smiled as he played with his scruff, making you laugh
“Most the time I’d argue with you and tell you “No, I love your beard!” but this time I really think you do.” You smiled, handing him the razor. You sat on the toilet lid and watched as his hair dropped in the sink. You got up and grabbed a pair of hair cutting scissors, trimming his hair for him after.
You helped him take off his clothes as he got ready to shower. You frowned as you looked at how thin he was from not eating. You ran your fingers across his ribs and Dean placed his hand on yours, shaking his head.
You turned on the shower and looked back to see him staring at you with a huge smile, the first time you’ve seen him smile in a long time.
“We haven’t showered together in a while” He winked. He walked over and helped you slide off your shirt along with the rest of your clothes, blushing while he looked you up and down.
“God, I am one lucky son of a bitch.”
You both climbed in and you leaned back and watched as Dean sighed into the hot water pouring down on his back. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, smiling as you helped him scrub shampoo in his hair. After he washed his hair he helped you with yours, kissing you underneath the warm water.
When you finished you both dried off and changed into your pj’s. Dean wore his boxers and a dark green tank top while you decided to wear his favorite shirt and your blue shorts.
“Hey” You said, making him turn around and gasp when he saw the shirt
“Look at my baby girl, so beautiful.” You blushed, making him smile and kiss you after.
You climbed into bed and gave Dean a concerned look noticing he didn’t get in with you.
“I – I’m scared… I’m scared I’ll hurt you.”
You got up, took him by his hand and walked him over to your bed. You laid down along with him and laid your head on his chest.
“I trust you, I know you won’t.”
“But what if I do? I already hurt Sammy.”
“You won’t. You’re out of there now, babe. You’re home safe with me and Sammy. You’re not who you were in there. You’re sweet, loveable, caring, generous, smart, sexy and definitely a badass. You have been my boyfriend for 7 years and have never once hurt me. I know things are different now after all you been through, but you would never in a million years hurt me that way. I trust you, I love you.” You placed your hand on his heart and kissed his cheek, feeling him grip his arm around you tighter.
That was the first night in months Dean didn’t have a nightmare.
