Recall how you felt abandoned. Your father didn’t pay it any mind. At first, your friends were drawn to you, but then they turned away. And afterward, you felt the loneliness even more keenly. Remember how Grisha tormented you. How you feared the sounds of the walls shaking, his drunken stumbling, and his heavy footsteps in the hallway, faintly reaching you. How he fell in the middle of the hallway and urinated there, and how you had to clean it up afterward. How he brazenly lay down on your bed and didn’t even apologize.
Remember how you felt inadequate. During your apprenticeship and student years, you tried to be yourself, a vibrant thinker. When you spoke in your own words, even if you made mistakes, you were dissatisfied because they wanted you to speak like a textbook. When formalism replaced living thought.
Remember how they turned their backs on you, everyone you might have considered a friend. How they mocked you, were rude to you, and even spoke ill of you behind your back.
How you were alone in the crowd. Among the wretched, intoxicated individuals reeking of hangovers, to whom you carried cheap booze on a tray. And with the tips, you bought yourself Fichte. You were alone in your failures and fines.
How the absence of love created emptiness, remember how you were alone. As if someone else’s happiness were your joy. Someone else’s embraces and kisses, but unfortunately, you couldn’t separate yourself from those people. All of this, while watching others embrace.
Remember when you were overlooked. When they pretended you didn’t exist. As if your presence was an inconvenience, and everyone would have been glad to avoid you.
Oh, just not about love. Even if she turned away, she would still be right. You couldn’t murder her or even defile her in return. She wasn’t meant for you.
<Lady, three white leopards sat under a juniper-tree
In the cool of the day, having fed to satiety
On my legs my hearts my liver and that which had been contained
In the hollow round of my skull. And God said
Shall these bones live? shall these
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