[danielhope-blog]

[danielhope-blog]

[danielhope-blog]

[danielhope-blog]

Do things ever seem to be going too well?

You know the feeling you sometimes get when everyone in your family is healthy, things are going well at work and the household is running smoothly?  All seems to be right in the world -- except there is something you can't quite put your finger on.  And that something starts subtly but slowly rises to the surface of your consciousness.  It's like the rock you might get in your shoe on a beautiful hike, you're admiring the scenery but something unpleasant is nagging at you and distracting you from enjoying the view.  You try feebly to make it roll to the side, hoping it will stay out from underfoot for the rest of your walk, but inevitably there it is again and soon it's all you can think about.  Before you know it there you are balancing awkwardly on one foot and shaking your sock inside out, looking for the elusive pebble that just spoiled your hike.

All seems to be right in your world but you just can't let yourself relax because you know that something bad might happen.  So you steel yourself, bracing for the impending unpleasantness even though what is happening around you is actually quite wonderful.  I have often felt this way but I never really understood why.  I figured it must be my common sense way of living out the cardinal virtue of Temperance, all things in moderation and all that.

But this feeling that we often get when faced with unbelievable awesomeness has nothing to do with common sense or temperance or any virtue for that matter.  When we react negatively to overwhelming positivity it means that we have lost our tolerance for feeling vulnerable.

I will explain but first let me back up a few steps...

You haven't heard much from me lately because I have been busy with a number of things, only one which was my graduation which took place just two weeks ago.  The morning of my graduation I was in a very good place.  I reflected on how for the past four years I was able to work full-time while obtaining my master's degree.  And most importantly I was able to do all of this while cultivating the lifelong friendship my wife and I share, all while raising our two young daughters (my youngest was only 1 when I started graduate school). 

I reflected on all of this while surrounded with the incredible community that has supported and sustained me through it all.  Things were good but I began to feel that they were too good.  My mind slowly started to drift toward what could go wrong or what was missing.  All of this was going on in my mind as I lined up to proceed into the graduation ceremony and suddenly there was Brené Brown to bring me back into the moment.  Not just her words but actually her.  I should explain here that Brené Brown, who is known for her research into shame and vulnerability and who has the most watched Ted Talk to date, was actually receiving an honorary doctorate at my commencement.  And if you know what a fan I am of her then you can understand why I might have been feeling that things were going a little too well.

Dress-Rehearsing Tragedy

So there she was and then her words returned to me.  Words I had heard in one of her interviews where she explains, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. So what we do in moments of joyfulness is we try to beat vulnerability to the punch ... We try to dress-rehearse tragedy.”

When we try to do this we are not being sensible, we are being fearful and robbing ourselves of the joy of the present.  These words of wisdom came back to me as I stood there in anticipation of walking across the stage and I allowed myself to be vulnerable to the myriad of things that could go wrong and in this vulnerable state I allowed the joy to settle over me.  It was overwhelming and it was amazing.

The Courage to Face Joy

Things do not always go so well.  People get sick, conflicts arise and sometimes real tragedy strikes.  But we cannot fortify ourselves with negativity in the good times and expect this behavior will strengthen us during the bad.  It actually works the other way around.  We have to open ourselves up to joy and hold that joy even though we know that it can't last forever.  We should always try to practice joy whenever we can because the courage that is needed to face joy is the same courage that is needed to face tragedy.  And wouldn't you much rather practice courage when times are good?

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When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.

Brené Brown on why we feel fear when things seem to be going too well in our lives.

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The Myth of Going Through the Motions

  In a very insightful review of the movie The Descendants I read that there are no contemporary models for love in the second decade of marriage.  The author implied that for this we must look to 19th century Russian literature.  This was just the excuse I needed to open up Tolstoy's Anna Karenina.  Whether this book is a model for love in this so-called second decade of marriage the jury is still out as I haven't yet finished it.  But in an exchange between two of the primary characters, the philandering, buoyant Stepan asks his grudgingly single boyhood friend, Levin what he would do if he were married and loved his wife but was fascinated by another woman.  Levin quickly cuts him off with this vivid analogy: "Excuse me, but I'm absolutely unable to comprehend how...just as I can't comprehend how I could now, after my dinner, go straight to a baker's shop and steal a roll." Stepan has no use for his friends 'moralistic' views, believing that Levin in his inexperience cannot understand the complexities of married life, and directly makes his exit. Stepan Oblonsky, meet Stephen Covey Stepan's appeal for advice, if that is indeed what it was, reminds me of the man who approached Stephen Covey claiming that he and his wife just don't feel the same feelings for each other that they once did.  The man and his wife have three children and are very concerned that they lack this feeling of love.  The man implored Covey for an answer to what he should do. "Love her", was Covey's reply. "You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there." "Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her." "But how do you love when you don't love?" "My friend , love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that? ... And there you have it.  The man who gave us the answers to all of our organizational needs with those amazing Filofax inserts from Franklin-Covey. And the man who taught us all 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, in the dialogue above, presents the solution to the lion's share of marital problems.  If we can separate the feeling of love from the action of love then we are ready to, in video game parlance, level-up in this whole marriage thing. Going Through the Motions This brings me to something I commonly hear people say when giving the post mortem on their relationship: "For (years/weeks/months) we were just going through the motions."  Though I have it on good authority that what they call 'going through the motions' most likely bears a close resemblance to doing the bare minimum.  If more couples would actually go through the motions:  Serve, Sacrifice, Listen, Empathize, Appreciate and Affirm -- I guarantee they would see much different results than they do when simply doing the bare minimum. So my challenge to you is this:  Go through the motions of service, sacrifice, empathy etc. etc.  And do this whether you feel like it or not, but especially when you don't feel like it -- because that is when you have the best opportunity to live out the true love that each of us is capable of. Related Post: Sometimes 110% Just Isn’t Enough

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The proof of love is in the works. Where love exists, it works great things. But when it ceases to act, it ceases to exist.

St. Gregory the Great

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Marriage as a Spiritual Practice

Thank you to everyone who was a part of our last retreat. I have to commend you again for making your marriage a priority and overcoming whatever obstacles might have come in your way to be there.  I had an amazing time and I really enjoyed getting to know you all better.  The retreat was designed to enrich both your married life and your spiritual life.  And we focused a good deal on the lenten journey and how its innate struggles can prepare you in your marriage for greater struggles in the future.  Lent allows us to confront these uncomfortable topics in a controlled and safe environment and I hope you all took something away from it that you can use this lenten season. Photo Booth Most of you got a chance to use the photo booth and the photos are now posted on the Commitment Project Facebook page.  So go and tag yourselves and show your friends how much fun the two of you had making smoochy faces at each other or wearing ridiculous costumes (two things I specialize in...)  

...and here's proof (what a woman!) And while you're there give the Commitment Project's page a 'Like' so I can keep you posted on upcoming events as well as the material I regularly share that will help support you and your spouse in your lifelong commitment. A special thank you goes to the fine folks at Max Photography for supplying our retreat with Austin's finest photo booth.  If you're ever in need of a photo booth give them a shout. I also want to thank St. David's who made this retreat possible and especially to Rebecca Hall for coordinating everything. Lenten Practice One thing I heard from you was a wish for more support for your marriage through the church.  One way we can start this is by talking about our marriage to other people; with a focus on the positive and the constructive.  I will be in touch soon with more ways we can do this and I am eager to hear what could be useful to you as you live out this adventure called marriage. In the meantime, check out the article by Tony Baker that I mentioned in the retreat: Marriage, Vocation, and the Revolutionary Church

Have a great week! -Daniel

[danielhope-blog]

It is inside the family that we first learn a ‘technology’ that respects the dignity of the weak and vulnerable.

David L. Schindler Ordering Love

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Marriage as a Spiritual Practice

You may have noticed that it's been a while since you've seen a post or a newsletter.  That's because ever since the end of 2012 I have been preparing for a February marriage retreat that I am very excited to tell you about. The retreat is called Marriage as as Spiritual Practice and I have designed it to enrich your married as well as your spiritual life.  If you have taken part in The Commitment Project in the past then you know that it can be fun and interactive, but also informative -- drawing on scientific research and the teachings of people much wiser than myself. I will share with you one of the activities we will do at the retreat, and I'll do it by telling you the story of how I came up with it... Last semester I was watching a video on career counseling and the approach that really grabbed me was called the Narrative Interview which was being administered by Dr. Mark Savickas who basically invented it (or at the very least perfected it).  In the video Savickas was interviewing a young college student (let's call him Steve) about his career, but the questions he asked had absolutely nothing to do with a career.  Instead Savickas asked Steve questions like, "Who was one of your childhood heroes?", then digging a little deeper to find out what it was he liked about them.  As a child one of Steve's heroes was the cartoon character Michelangelo, the Ninja Turtle.  Steve liked the way he always lightened the mood with humor, even when things looked dire for these heroes in a half shell. Savickas then turned around and, using Steve's own answers, was able to reveal some pretty incredible things. In this instance he pointed out how Steve himself embodied Michelangelo's affability in their very conversation, in which Steve had used humor and a laid-back air to add levity to what could have been a very stressful on-camera interview. I was so taken by this approach that I immediately wondered, as I often do, if it could be applied to relationships.  I figured it couldn't hurt and decided to test it out on my very favorite test subject and partner in all things relationship-oriented: my long-suffering and exceedingly patient wife.  That very night I grabbed my notebook and told my wife I was going to interview her.  She knows better than to be too surprised when I pull stunts like these, so she went along with it.  After asking her a number of questions and then follow-up questions I was even more blown-away by what was revealed than I think even Steve was by Dr. Savickas. Here is one of my favorite examples:  One of my wife's childhood heroes was the Conoco Man.  And for all of you readers who did not grow up in the same small town as my wife and I, the Conoco Man was the friendly older gentleman who would pump gas in your car and when he brought out the charge slip on the tiny clipboard, he always attached a piece of gum for each child who might be riding in the back seat.  After digging down a little into what she admired about this heroic figure, we discovered some fascinating themes which we believe influenced decisions she has made throughout her life including going to culinary school and later becoming a chef. The process was nostalgic but it was also spiritually insightful and I have tailored the process so that it will help you uncover spiritual themes in one another's lives.  I hope you find it to be as enjoyable and bonding as my wife and I did.  Now I'm not going to give any more away here.  If you want to see this technique in action and then have the opportunity to do it with your spouse then you will have to come to next month's retreat. Here are the details and if you run into any trouble in registration please just email me or Rebecca Hall

Marriage as as Spiritual Practice Saturday, February 16 1 p.m. to 7 p.m. at Seminary of the Southwest I hope to see you there!

[danielhope-blog]

The degeneration of connection that spans years is made up of thousands of tiny incidents of disconnection that span mere moments.

Terry Real - How Can I Get Through to You?

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“It turned out this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And she said gently-that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born-and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.”

- Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

[scamanders]

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It really is a wonderful life.

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“Marriage is going to be that happy state in which we get all of the nurturance and care and love and empathy and even good advice that we didn't receive from our families.”

-Augustus Y. Napier, The Family Crucible

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Why are these parents invisible?

I write a lot here about the importance of marriage.  About how it should be elevated and respected; and about how the commitment it requires can make us better people.  The sacrifice required to raise a child with your spouse is not for the faint of heart.

So why is it that some of the most devoted couples and parents are not even recognized as families?

Watch this amazing video about sacrifice, commitment and ultimately human rights.

We as a society can do better.

[blue-voids]

The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses.

E.E Cummings (via phytos)

[danielhope-blog]

Happy people learn that happiness, like sweat, is a by-product of activity. You can only achieve happiness if you are too busy living your life to notice whether you are happy or not.

- Frank Pittman