life
Where do I even begin. It’s like I’ve been holding so much in and I’ve only told my mom and one of my best friends from high school.
It all started back in December during finals week. As if it wasn’t stressful enough, my boyfriend came under a fiasco with his roommate at the time. We knew something was going on because it seemed like every other month it was the electric or the internet getting turned off. Pretty much turns out he wasn’t paying for stuff and kinda just neglecting it just until he got evicted. Danny wasn’t on the lease, but he was screwed if he stayed there paying rent that wasn’t going toward anything. He has been through the process of eviction once already, and did not need to face that again.
So I helped him move into my place. I stayed with him all the time anyways, so I wanted to be there for him like he was for me. I cried behind closed doors. It was hard, but I did it and lived through it. Then finals week was still looming and it was holiday season at work. I was busy. I was spiraling into a sort of depression that made my counselor want to put me on a prescription. I ended up not passing the radio tv class that I needed to pass to stay in the major because I got such bad test anxiety so now I’m basically back to square one in school, and I graduate this year. I can’t graduate unless I have a program of study I’m enrolled in and not “pending.”
So now we’re caught up to January. My roommates weren’t crazy about Danny being here but I basically locked us up in my room unless we needed food or something. Other than that, we would just be pent up in this tiny little space. It’s not easy at all. He sells cars and usually works for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. I work and go to school. We butted heads a lot but at the end of the day, we still love each other. We’ve been actively looking for a place together to escape it.
I want to say I’m killing it because I’m now officially an assistant manager at my job and decided to take it on as a career. But with that, I’ve given up my role as President for my student organization that I thought was going to take me to Nashville to my dreams. Taking on a career in fashion/retail means now I stay in Orlando until I manage my own store. The more I think about it, maybe Nashville was just something straight out of my imagination. Somewhere I escaped to get away from my problems back in high school. Maybe God wanted me in Orlando so badly so I could meet Danny and find my love for fashion and outfitting and developing a team. It’s never where I saw myself, but maybe I just need to adapt Orlando as home. I’m building a career, Danny is building a career, and our family is all here.
Fast forward to the present, I know I have to pass all of my classes this semester, now taking on a full time workload since I have committed to my career. I’ve been stressed. I cry in the car on the way home from work. I cry to Danny about how nervous I am and how I hope I’m making the right decisions. Same with my mom too. I pray every day that I’ve made the right decision. The only comfort I have is that whenever I have doubts, wherever I am, whether its in the mall, the radio, or even the outlets - “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts comes on. That’s how I know that maybe I am doing the right thing. So now to today, someone filed a complaint to the office that Danny has been here with me. Since he’s not on my lease, its not a legal thing in my state. It was in all caps. He must be gone in a week. The only thing is, his parents will not let him move in no matter the costs. When he was evicted from his own apartment the first time, he lived out of his car. His friends from high school have moved away. None of his co-workers are really his friends. The only choice he has now is to stay at my moms, which is 60 miles away from where he works. We won’t get to see each other much at all either. It just hurts and I feel so betrayed. I thought everything was ok while we were trying to figure life out. I’ve been crying and just have felt so betrayed, while it should have been Danny feeling that way. He’s just been nothing but comforting to me, and even watched me type most of this before he just fell asleep.
Lord, help us. I just need to make it through 2017 knowing its hopefully going to get easier. Danny and I are taking our only true days off to get him out of here. I’m done keeping all this to myself, so here we are.
