SMOKIN’ SEXY STYLE

And also a bad case of negative coping mechanisms

[dantessssdiary]

I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why we’re here. I cannot conceive of a good reason why I ended up in a, as far as I can tell, post apocalyptic techno virus city, with my brother.

But I do know that there’s a LOT of VERY inappropriately dressed young ladies with swords here and I’m DEEPLY concerned I’ll walk out of here with another nephew given Vergil’s track record with color-schemed chicks.

[dantessssdiary]

Still stuck, still confused. I’m not sure if Vergil is being a creep to this white haired heterochromatic girl, or if he’s being a psychopath.

Annnd that’s a building. He just Judgement Cut a skyscraper down. THAT IS A TEENAGER VERGIL. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE TO HAVE A COOL TEENAGE LADY WITH DIFFERENT EYES AND COMBAY SKILLS HANG AROUND 20 YEARS AGO.

That’s it I’m throwing the sword like a Pokémon.

[dantessssdiary]

Dear Diary.

Do not involve teenagers in world ending events.

You will always end up with a child in unholy possession of the power of God and a chip on their shoulder. Or worse, without the chip.

Would anyone know if combat robot people like ice cream? This 6-year-old 17 year old robot clone needs a hug.

[dantessssdiary]

I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why we’re here. I cannot conceive of a good reason why I ended up in a, as far as I can tell, post apocalyptic techno virus city, with my brother.

But I do know that there’s a LOT of VERY inappropriately dressed young ladies with swords here and I’m DEEPLY concerned I’ll walk out of here with another nephew given Vergil’s track record with color-schemed chicks.

[dantessssdiary]

Still stuck, still confused. I’m not sure if Vergil is being a creep to this white haired heterochromatic girl, or if he’s being a psychopath.

Annnd that’s a building. He just Judgement Cut a skyscraper down. THAT IS A TEENAGER VERGIL. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE TO HAVE A COOL TEENAGE LADY WITH DIFFERENT EYES AND COMBAT SKILLS HANG AROUND 20 YEARS AGO.

That’s it I’m throwing the sword like a Pokémon.

[dantessssdiary]

I don’t know where I am. I don’t know why we’re here. I cannot conceive of a good reason why I ended up in a, as far as I can tell, post apocalyptic techno virus city, with my brother.

But I do know that there’s a LOT of VERY inappropriately dressed young ladies with swords here and I’m DEEPLY concerned I’ll walk out of here with another nephew given Vergil’s track record with color-schemed chicks.

[dantessssdiary]

Wait a minute, I’m a red colored and dubiously Italian guy with connections to a religious order somewhere in the Mediterranean.

Well, I killed one pope. Might as well elect a new one.

[dantessssdiary]

That’s it, I love a good reinterpretation as much as the next deadbeat layabout.

But Who the hell was that?! And why did he sound like Nero?! Do I sound like Nero? Have I always sounded like Nero?

Has my hair always had that much volume?

[nerosdailydiary]

quarantine day 100: suddenly my sneakers have converted into crocs and socks, and I see Halloween decorations being put up,,, Didn’t september just start????

[diary-of-nevan]

Quarantine? What quarantine?

Did something happen while I was in the dmc attic for almost a year?

[cerberusjournal]

Yep a plague

[nerosdailydiary]

a real fuckin big one,,, sO WAIT NEVAN WAS THE ONE WALKING AROUND IN THE aTTIC???? I THOUGHT IT WAS A GHOST

[diary-of-nevan]

I've been living there since I started to follow Dante!

[cerberusjournal]

You didn't know?

[the-diary-of-v]

Ah, yes, 'the sickness to which there is no name.' I admit, though it is indeed a heinous situation, there are upsides indeed. Who would've thought that assisting restaurants with remaining in business would be quite so delicious?

[dantessssdiary]

Are you the one racking up my credit bill on food delivery?

V, they’re making me Pay them back by doing more runs for them. Cavaliere is NOT set up for takeout delivery. The insulated box REALLY cramps it’s style.

[diary-of-nevan]

Dante I can always fly and help you out with the delivery, I need some fresh air...

[dantessssdiary]

As much as I’d like that, people don’t seem to tip flying demons nearly as well as grungy 40-somethings. I’ve tried.

I think it’s pity, but honestly, I’ll take what I can get.

[nerosdailydiary]

Aww cmon old man, if you wear the banana hat it’ll totally raise tips. And I think the pitying comes from that insulated box, it looks like it was strapped on with belts and tape.S eri o usly

[dantessssdiary]

Kid, what do you think I strapped it on with? The demon-armor bike didn’t exactly come with a cargo rack.

[nerosdailydiary]

quarantine day 100: suddenly my sneakers have converted into crocs and socks, and I see Halloween decorations being put up,,, Didn’t september just start????

[diary-of-nevan]

Quarantine? What quarantine?

Did something happen while I was in the dmc attic for almost a year?

[cerberusjournal]

Yep a plague

[nerosdailydiary]

a real fuckin big one,,, sO WAIT NEVAN WAS THE ONE WALKING AROUND IN THE aTTIC???? I THOUGHT IT WAS A GHOST

[diary-of-nevan]

I've been living there since I started to follow Dante!

[cerberusjournal]

You didn't know?

[the-diary-of-v]

Ah, yes, 'the sickness to which there is no name.' I admit, though it is indeed a heinous situation, there are upsides indeed. Who would've thought that assisting restaurants with remaining in business would be quite so delicious?

[dantessssdiary]

Are you the one racking up my credit bill on food delivery?

V, they’re making me Pay them back by doing more runs for them. Cavaliere is NOT set up for takeout delivery. The insulated box REALLY cramps it’s style.

[diary-of-nevan]

Dante I can always fly and help you out with the delivery, I need some fresh air...

[dantessssdiary]

As much as I’d like that, people don’t seem to tip flying demons nearly as well as grungy 40-somethings. I’ve tried.

I think it’s pity, but honestly, I’ll take what I can get.

[nerosdailydiary]

quarantine day 100: suddenly my sneakers have converted into crocs and socks, and I see Halloween decorations being put up,,, Didn’t september just start????

[diary-of-nevan]

Quarantine? What quarantine?

Did something happen while I was in the dmc attic for almost a year?

[cerberusjournal]

Yep a plague

[nerosdailydiary]

a real fuckin big one,,, sO WAIT NEVAN WAS THE ONE WALKING AROUND IN THE aTTIC???? I THOUGHT IT WAS A GHOST

[diary-of-nevan]

I've been living there since I started to follow Dante!

[cerberusjournal]

You didn't know?

[the-diary-of-v]

Ah, yes, 'the sickness to which there is no name.' I admit, though it is indeed a heinous situation, there are upsides indeed. Who would've thought that assisting restaurants with remaining in business would be quite so delicious?

[dantessssdiary]

Are you the one racking up my credit bill on food delivery?

V, they’re making me Pay them back by doing more runs for them. Cavaliere is NOT set up for takeout delivery. The insulated box REALLY cramps it’s style.

[dantessssdiary]

Hey for demon slaying does Devil May Cry accept credit cards?

Not since October of 2003.

O’Neil, if you’re out there you son of a bitch, you still owe me six grand and a rental car. Your line of credit SUCKED.

[dantessssdiary]

Fist bump?

I’ll do my best, but it’s mostly just me punching my book lightly here. I hope you’re cosmically getting these.

[dantessssdiary]

How much whiskey does it take to actually get you drunk? I mean it's clear you aren't a lightweight like Vergil

Too much.

Listen, kids, find healthy coping mechanisms and occasionally get some help, your friendly neighborhood devil for hire is a terrible example for the masses on dealing with, well, Anything Traumatic.

Also, I think the demon genes made the human body mutate. My guess is that my liver just assumes ethanol is part of my blood and let’s it through now.

Is that why I’m on fire more now? Hm.

[dantessssdiary]

*starts blasting the Pizza Time music Base Boosted version just as stacks of pizza boxes appear full and paid for*

Yknow. This could be worse. But I think my eardrums are rupturing. Vergil May or may not be screaming or yawning I can’t tell.

I’m gonna close the magic book so my eardrums can heal. Thanks for the pizza I guess?

I should get a firewall on this thing...

[dantessssdiary]

Petition to let you say fuck

People like to joke around that I don’t pay attention. The fact of the matter, my small sunglassed friend, is I pay a helluva lotta attention, especially to what I’m doing, and how it makes people react. It’s not empathy, it’s performance art.

So, I promise this is going somewhere, consider how often I curse. Sure I’ve gotten more lax with age, but honestly. It’s not often right?

So imagine Nero’s shock and awe when old Dante drops a complicated f-bomb based insult on him, in the field, not another ear for miles. That I, a man who hasn’t audibly said that since my 20’s, suddenly dropped a five minute F-apolooza?

Who would ever believe him?

[dantessssdiary]

What's you favorite flavor chap stick?? Mines cherry. 🍒

You know you’re not supposed to just eat it right?

Jokes aside, I don’t wear any, so I can’t say I’ve developed a preference.

As I’m writing this I’m remembering I’ve had complaints about my lips being as chapped as my ass, so I think I’m going to the corner store and developing a preference soon.

[dantessssdiary]

Hey Dante,just out of curiosity,how can your body survive getting impaled so many times?

The short answer: Magic

The long answer: Deeeeeemon Blood Magic

Look, I’m not a scientist, I just get injured a lot, and seem to come out right as rain. I’m not gonna complain too much. Or investigate, for fear it’ll somehow leave me like a scared bird to the wind.

[dantessssdiary]

Hey Dante, what are your favorite and least favorite demons to fight if you have any?

Look. Genocide is never the answer. But if whatever demons the Blitz is based on could vanish without me meeting them forever, that’d be a-ok in my book.

On the other side of the coin, I kinda miss the whole family of Sins from Vergil’s List Goofs, Gaffs, and Disasters, Volume 3. Spooky reaper skeletons they were, but the variety of them always felt fun to take on with Rebellion. They vanished with Temen, as far as I know, but I got me a Bloody Palace, so I guess they’re never really gone.

If you want me to name names, Nightmare’s original incarnation is cordially invited to never ever happen ever again.

And lastly, my favorite demon to duel is of course my one and only brother. He knows how I think, and I know how he does too, so the only way we get a win over the other is to surprise ourselves. And ever since it stopped being about sincerely killing eachother, well, the fun factor went up a lot.

[dantessssdiary]

Oh thank God, Money.

I haven’t been on a proper job in months. Back now though, that was fun. Wrapped up relatively quick too, and best part?

Only got impaled once!

I’m getting really distrustful of religious institutions though. Too many Evil Priests for my taste. I’m getting tired of it, feels repetitive after awhile y’know?

All the anarchists and atheists I meet hunt demons, none of them summon them. I’m living an allegory, and it makes my head hurt.