Dark struggles with people’s judgments and his own.
TW: Ableism (internal and external), emotional abuse, possible body horror (if you don’t like slimy/goopy bodies)
Taglist: @blueyeswhitedragon16 @sweetie2136 @harlequinette
Trying to be normal can be so tiring.
He can hear Wilford mentally scold him and say, “Being autistic doesn’t mean you’re not normal, Dark.” But that’s definitely what it feels like sometimes. Even if he can pass as neurotypical, even if nobody except Wilford knows his secret, the truth is that he’s always pretending to be something he’s not. And right now, he’s just tired of it.
Fortunately there were no meetings today and with some free time on his hands, Dark found himself online. It wasn’t often he got to browse the internet and frankly, he usually didn’t want to. His hatred for Mark bordered on obsession; he’d end up watching his videos and going through his social media extensively, until Wilford had to drag him off. It was basically self-torture and yet he couldn’t resist.
But this time, other videos caught his attention. Though he didn’t have many favorite Youtubers, he could rely on a few of them for relaxation and entertainment. Most of the time he’d put on some piano music and close his eyes to listen, but today he felt like something more engaging.
A part of him resisted. It told him not to give into temptation and not to indulge in such childish activities. But the other part of him was begging for some kind of escape from reality, so he puts on his headphones and clicks play.
Time passes without his knowing. All of his attention goes to what he’s watching and not at all as to how he’s reacting. Every so often, Dark would burst into a fit of high-pitched giggles, not even bothering to hold back his laughter now. His hands move automatically, clapping repeatedly as he cackles by himself. He’s barely aware of them lightly smacking his face, pressing his cheeks together when he can’t stop grinning.
After an hour his face starts to hurt and his sides feel sore, but he can’t stop himself from clicking another video. It’s only when something white materializes in front of him that he jerks in surprise and yanks his headphones off, suddenly aware that he’s only wearing an undershirt and pajama pants.
“What the fuck,” he snarls, ready to unleash his rage on the intruder. As he looks closer, he notices the white substance is rather gooey, and he starts to recognize the other ego standing before him. “Goop,” he realizes, only relaxing slightly.
Goop eventually reaches physical form, or something close to it. Their skin is still slimy and white, but Dark can see their face now. They seem nervous when answering him. “Sssooorryyy,” Goop slurs. As their lips moved, their mouth slides down their face only to be pushed back up by Goop’s dripping hands. “Wiiilfooord waaanted meee tooo geeet yooou,” they explain.
Dark didn’t want to make Goop talk any longer than necessary. Instead of demanding an explanation, he sighs and says, “Fine, tell him I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Goop tries to peer over his laptop, but Dark quickly slams the top down, glaring at Goop in response. The slimy ego seems hesitant, but still asks, “Whaaat aaare yooou doooing?”
“None of your business,” Dark retorts. “Now go away please.”
Goop doesn’t listen. The ego fidgets nervously and says, “I heeeard yooou laaaughiiing aaand waaas juuust cuuuriooous. I thooought yooou weeere liiike meee.”
Dark raises an eyebrow, unable to keep from asking, “Like you?”
Goops nods, pointing to their mouth. “I caaan’t laaaugh thaaat haaard wiiithooout myyy faaace faaalliiing. Biiim tooold meee yooour faaace wooould craaack iiif yooou laaaugheeed tooo.”
Oh, that’s why. Dark felt his temper flare, but pushed it back down. It wasn’t Goop’s fault that they took Bim’s joke literally. Plus, if he yelled at the other ego, they’d probably lose their physical form for some time and he didn’t want that on his carpet.
“No, my face doesn’t actually crack,” Dark explains. “That’s just an expression because I don’t laugh a lot.”
Goop frowns, their brow furrowed in confusion. “Whyyy?”
“Why is it an expression?”
“Nooo, whyyy dooon’t yooou laaaugh a looot?”
Dark opens his mouth to answer, but stops.
“But, but Father,” Celine whines, “Why can’t I –”
“Because it’s childish, Celine,” Father hisses. He slams his fist down on the table, making Celine jump in fear. “You get too excited about these things, you completely lose your composure! And I won’t have my thirteen-year-old daughter acting like a toddler.”
Celine frowns and balls her fists. “It’s not childish to have fun! Everyone else is allowed to have it!”
Father gives her a scathing look, enough to make Celine shrink back. “Everyone else is normal, Celine. You are not normal. You scream and clap your hands like some kind of circus monkey. And when things don’t go your way, you blow up and have a temper tantrum. Sometimes you just ignore everyone entirely!” Father’s yelling at this point and it’s making Celine’s ears hurt, but she avoids covering them.
“Does everyone else do that, Celine? Do they?”
She knows Father is right. Celine doesn’t want to admit it, doesn’t want to accept it, but she couldn’t hide from the truth forever. She bites her lip, trying to push back tears. “No, Father.”
“Exactly.” Father stops yelling, his tone becoming more professional, like a lawyer consulting their client. He lays a hand on Celine’s shoulder and she flinches, unable to look up at him. “I’m doing this for your own good, Celine. You don’t want to be teased for being different, right?”
Celine swallows back a sob. “No, Father. I don’t.”
“Then just listen to me, please,” Father insists. “Can you do that?”
“Yes, Father,” she promises, looking down at Father’s shoes. Somehow, it was always easier to talk to them than to Father’s face.
Dark hesitates, the memory taking him by surprise. It’s not his, it clearly belongs to Celine, and yet…and yet it feels too real. Logically, it never happened to him, but that’s not what it feels like emotionally.
He looks at Goop, who’s still awaiting his answer. “It’s unbecoming of a leader,” Dark tells them, tone similar to Father’s – Celine’s father, he reminds himself. “No one would take me seriously if I didn’t act serious.”
Goop frowns in confusion again, as if Dark was speaking gibberish. “Buuut whaaat iiif theeey taaake yooou tooo seeeriiiiooouslyyy?”
Dark smirks in amusement. “There’s no such thing. Now are you going to keep Wilford waiting or can we end this conversation?” He points at their face. “I don’t think your mouth wants to stay up much longer.”
Goop gives him a bashful grin, pushing up their lower jaw just as it’s about to plop on the floor. “Sooorryyyy, I’ll gooo now.”
“Thank you. And,” Dark adds, “please don’t turn into goo and go under the door again. You have permission to use it like a normal person.”
Goop laughs at that, or tries to. It comes out more as a chortle until their mouth is covered by more goo and the sound is muffled. They push it out of the way to speak again. “I dooon’t thiiink aaany ooof uuus aaare nooormaaal,” Goop remarks. And with that, they unlock the door and close it behind them on their way out.
In the silence that follows, Dark looks down at his laptop with Goop’s words stuck in his head.
I don’t think any of us are normal.
Something about that statement both comforts and irks him. He doesn’t want to think about at the moment though, so he puts his things away and leaves the bedroom, entering the outside world once again.
“Hey, Dark!” Wilford calls, waving as he comes down the stairs. “It’s about time, you vampire! We’re all playing DnD and need someone with a lot of charisma.”
Bim huffs. “I think my character has plenty, thank you.”
The automatic refusal is on his tongue, but Dark pauses. He’s always been curious about the game, especially since it was the one thing most of the egos loved and actually enjoyed together. And the premise of it interested him, yet he always found himself saying no.
There were too many things that could go wrong. He might end up being bad at playing, which wouldn’t do well for his image or ego. He might end up doing too well at the game and ruin the fun for everyone else, which would just make the other egos less inclined to include him in any other leisure activity. Or he might end up enjoying it too much and get carried away, which would be utterly embarrassing.
Either way, he couldn’t imagine it ending well, no matter how much he wanted to try. “I’ll pass,” he says to Wilford, continuing his trek to the other room.
Wilford’s shoulders droop in disappointment, but he masks it with a teasing smile. “Aww, fine, but I’ll get you to join someday!”
Dark doesn’t respond. He enters the other room and sets out to complete some other task, some obligation that can keep him busy. Something that will distract him from the sudden heaviness in his chest.
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