Hari Kondabolu: Warn your relatives sentence starters
“Packed in here man, like 800 people in here.”
“It’s important that I know how many people are here.”
“Oh, eight hundred, that’s it?”
“Oh, fifteen thousand people? Were you performing at my highschool reunion?”
“Why can’t I bring my water through security?”
“COMPLETE SHOPPING MALL FOR NO REASON.”
“I bought a 40 pound toblerone for no reason.”
“Hey, you look nervous, why do you look so nervous?”
“This was a man who didn’t forget.”
“Airport security is a scam.”
“How do little bottles keep us safer?”
“We’re being held hostage by big….little bottle!”
“Go into a machine that swipes right to left and steals your thoughts.”
“Pay respect to your silent masters.”
“What does that tell you?”
“It tells you I’m on the internet too much.”
“No sir, you have nothing to worry about!”
“This is a depression beard! I am depressed!”
“And the look on white American faces.”
“I was having a wonderful time.”
“If you’re the expert on being harassed, it’s time you should do the harassing.”
“All cops should be black and all convenience stores should be run by teenagers.”
“It feels like you’re disturbing a dinner party.”
“Who brought the asshole with the microphone?”
“Why’s he yelling so much?”
“It was a delightful diminishment of my life’s work.”
“Hey, can I give you some advice?”
“Look at you! Look at what you look like! Look at you!”
“I look like a muppet getting his PHD.”
“I’m familiar with my aesthetic.”
“That would be hilarious.”
“I’m talking really loudly, cause I want everyone there to hear.”
“Which is surprising, cause old white dude.”
“I look nothing like this man.”
“Which is weird, because that’s not how reading works.”
“That’s the saddest shit in the world!”
“If you’ll notice, we have completely different faces.”
“And she/he/they felt bad, and I felt better--so it was a win-win situation.”
“I am a master of disguise.”
“Which is weird because I know so many real words.”
“This was the first white person I ever met who actually couldn’t see race.”
“Does that mean I’m gonna be hit over the head with a bottle of kombucha?!”
“My mom sent me this text.”
“Which I will read to you if I can remember my birthday.”
“I don’t know why you do this to us!”
“She has some reasons to be afraid.”
“You never hear the other side of it.”
“Terrorism has a low bar.”
“Kansas gets homeland security money.”
“And the last time Kansas had to deal with terrorism it ended when a house fell on that witch!”
“That didn’t happen in Kansas, it happened in Oz.”
“That is not terrorism, okay? Cause a white dude did the shooting! That’s mental health issues.”
“They think we’re all the same, you think I give a fuck what they call themselves?!”
“These white motherfuckers melt in the sun, but I’m the snowflake.”
“_____ would close the last bootstrap factory if he/she/they could.”
“Hoping they would be rich and popular by association.”
“They lie to us as if we forgot yesterday.”
“You’re blatantly lying to us!”
“Remember the good ol’ days when we thought ______ was a loose canon?”
“Everything feels like the ending of a Kurt Vonnegut novel.”
“Health insurance might as well be run by casinos at this point.”
“What do we have now? Echinacea, prayer, and a hug.”
“No, I don’t know what those words mean!”
“My healthcare proposal wasn’t about a redistribution of health, but a redistribution of organs.”
“And as we all know, rich peoples’ organs are a delicacy!”
“Free range rich people.”
“We electrocute their anuses, we pull out their entrails, and we feast!”
“It’s a modest proposal.”
“He does all the work already! There’s nothing you can add to that.”
“It sounds like a weird mortal combat move.”
“Honestly, I wasn’t even told, I just kind of knew.”
“My mom is the reason why I’m funny, my dad is the reason I have anxiety.”
“It’s okay, it was a relief.”
“No, half of your genes were an obstacle to overcome.”
“DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. ONLY STUPID PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN.”
“Well, I thought about it for a while, and I realized your father had no role in raising you, clearly the gender of the parents doesn’t matter, and I could’ve used the help.”
“_____ was in the room at the time, and she said it loud enough so he could hear it.”
“Homosexuality is not an open rebellion against god. Do you know what an open rebellion against god is? NASA.”
“Really, ____? A masturbation joke?”
“So, I was licking this girl’s asshole…”
“Man, I fucking hate firefighters.”
“Who hates firefighters? What are you, the fucking human torch?”
“It’s like a way to justify their job.”
“Ugh, slow day today. Welp, gotta set that building on fire!”
“Is that ethnic food? It’s so spicy. It’s too spicy!”
“I wanna put ketchup on everything!”
“The story is: the mango was very juicy.”
“His real name, a gift to comedy.”
“THAT MANGO IS THAT GOOD!”
“Oh, I dunno, like a BILLION PEOPLE.”
“I’m Belgian! Belgium has a rich stirring history!”
“This is why you need to cut your highschool friends from facebook.”
“Why does the Devil need an advocate?!”
“That’s interesting, have you thought about selling your soul to the devil?”
“Oh my god, what are you doing here?”
“Cause I was giving _____ like nothing to work with.”
“Follow my flow, follow my energy.”
“At this point, he starts screaming and slamming his fist against a metal door.”
“HE PUNCHED ME IN THE CHEST. WHICH WAS NOT IN THE SCRIPT.”
“This is acting? I hate acting.”
“He punches me right in the sternum! And I hear a crack.”
“That dude beat the shit out of me!”
“Do you know what that means? Cats are white people.”
“Cats are not white people, cause then I’d own a cat.”
“Dogs are white people cause they can’t see color.”
“If you think I’m talking about you, then yes! I’m definitely talking about you.”
“Just doing a little not racist stretching!”
“If you’re telling someone we’ve come a long way, you’re telling them to hold their pain in longer and that’s fucked up.”
“You can’t ask me where I’m from and not know geography.”
“Something wrong with me? Clearly, there’s something wrong with you!”
“Where I’m from? Well bust a nut inside your eye and show you where I come from!”
“Gotta get my safety pin on, gotta get my safety pin on!”
“What is the moral of this story?”
“The moral of the story is that some of you need to talk to your white relatives about racism before I magically kill them.”
