It's made especially clear when you go out. You spend hours on your hair. You have the perfect shapewear. Made sure your face was beat. You feel and look so good. But then the thing happens where everyone is getting attention but you. It shouldn't hurt or make you feel anything but it does.
There are also those times when you find someone while you're out alone but then you make the mistake of introducing them to your friends. And you see the look on their face and you realize... that they realize that you're the ugly friend.
And you can't really talk about it because you feel dumb. "Hey girls I feel really shitty because men won't talk to me when you all are around and when they do they're the bottom of the barrel".
At first you thought it was in your head. Your conviently attractive friends also convience you that itâs in your head (seriously what the fuck would they know?). But it keeps happening. Itâs a literal pattern. Youâre not crazy. Even the part where your friends hit you with "oh but you're so pretty/you're so nice/ who cares they're just boys/that doesnât even matter" is a never ending cycle.
But it's true. It shouldn't matter what other people think of you. However, you're simply not pretty. Even when you fool yourself into thinking you are, there's something always there to remind you that you're not. And letâs be real, your friendsâ shower of compliments donât make you feel any better because you know theyâre over compensating. Your friends are fully aware where you rank: some just plain old love you others keep you around because you make them look better.
As a consequence of your looks, you're not able to show how funny or caring or nurturing you can be because the one thing you need to atleast get your foot through the door, you donât have. Even the people who reject what is universally considered attractive, the ones who preach about looks not being everything, don't see it for you.
So instead of waiting, you figure you'll try to muster up some confidence you built yourself and "shoot your shot" as the kids say. The worse that can happen is they say no (and post your message all over social media). Especially for straight girls, right? Because guys love when you take the pressure off of them.
Well that doesn't work either. That worst case senario you were fully prepared for, still stings a little.
So you wonder what you're doing wrong. You're doing the things they say to do when your not feeling confident. You worked on your self. You dressed nice so you would feel good on the inside too. You faked confidence until you felt it. You took out a couple months to work on yourself instead of worrying about a significant other because wanting love is just societal pressure, yes?
But here's the thing. Sometimes it's not. I've said this before on this blog: It's not weird to want to be loved, liked, or desired. Especially when it's happening around you to people good or bad. So you accept the fact that you want someone of quality and not just the homeboy put in front of you to keep you from cockblocking the headhoncho.
After accepting that you indeed want companionship, you also start accepting it's probably not going to happen for you. You don't want to hear anything about Godâs timing or there being someone for everyone or making lists and manifesting the person you want. How can you do any of that when you don't know what you like and dislike in partner? You've never been given a chance to kiss frogs in order to get to your prince because not even the frogs are attracted to you.
It's bullshit.
Because it's been years and you've not gotten as much as a text back while it sort of just happens for everyone else.
You accept the possibility of loneliness. Youâre not âokayâ with it perse but you've fully accepted it. And soon enough the jealousy and entitlement (the âdamn at this point love owes meâ) all turns to dust.
My Conflicting *Internal Issues with Feminism Part II
Last time I talked about body image. Now let's chat about a taboo that's becoming less of a taboo.
Sex work.
If you think the Instagram girls are living off of Flat Tummy Tea and FashionNova checks, you are wrong. To be blunt, the bulk of them are sugar babies and escorts. Plain and simple.
I am okay with this. Get money. It's hard out here.
However, I have to admit that deep down in the dark crevices of my soulâŠ.. it pisses me off. As much as I want to come off as inclusive and open⊠it really, really pisses me off. I want to cheer on any woman "doing her thing" but meanwhile in the back of my mind:
I went to school. Got good grades. I kept my legs closed. I didn't do drugs (often). I did all the things that society told me to do so that I'd be successful and get the job of my dreams.
And now I'm out here struggling. I am in $54,000 in school debt, depressed, and broke. But then I log online and see these girls living it up in Dubai. For having sex. Â
Where the hell is my reward for doing life right? These girls are doing it all "wrong", right? They're doing all the things I was told not to do and they get to live comfortably.
It's not fair.
I worked hard, you didn't.
Life owes me. And so do these complaining ass baby boomers who keep accusing me of being lazy.
Unfortunately, that's not how any of this works.
Sex work is not easy and it poses way more threats to your life than going to school and getting a boring ass 9 to 5. If it was that easy to just suck dick and get paid, weâd all be doing it. But we are not all built for that lifestyle. I know all of this. But deep down Iâm still waiting for my ârewardâ for being a âdecentâ human being.Â
How do I possibly get over myself when Iâve wasted my whole life on this? And yes with 54k of school debt and a job that pays me 13k a year⊠Iâm still seeing it as a waste.  (Please note, Iâve never outwardly bashed these human beings for paying their bills. I am simply being honest about how Iâve felt and my internal battles.)Â
One thing Iâve stopped doing is blaming the girls. I am not upset with these girls at all. Iâm upset with this system that essentially lied to me. Iâm angry at all the boys who told me they didnât want to wife any hoes but are all in these girlsâ DMs and comments. Iâm upset with the pedestal itself, not the girl on it. I was never upset with these women.
Iâm also upset for molding myself into an âidealâ woman (whatever the fuck that is?????) only to be passed by because someone has more ass than me.
That is not an IG Modelâs fault.
Another thing Iâve done is open a savings account so I could go to more shows. I havenât reached a full-blown âvacationâ status yet. I do, however, have enough money stowed away so that if my friends wanted to go to a concert for a weekend, I could get my ticket and chip in for an Airbnb. Iâve gone to so many shows this year and Iâve never been happier.
So instead of being jealous, which is one of the over all feelings I am experiencing, I am constructing my own fun carefree life AKA minding my business.Â
Answer honestly: Have you or do you currently feel how I feel? Have you outwardly (or inwardly) shown any hatred or anger toward these women? How are you coping?
My Conflicting [Internal) Issues with Feminism Part I
I'm a terrible feminist, but I do try.
On my old personal Tumblr, I made a post about this very topic.
I have a tendency to change the ârulesâ depending on whether I like a person or not. Almost everyone does it, but I'll go ahead and actually admit it. If you slut shame Ciara for dating multiple men when she was younger, I will defend her to the death.
However, want to talk about how often and boring it is looking at Kim Kardashian's tits? Want to drag Melania Trump for her painfully obvious sugar baby status and old nudes? Want to laugh at Amber Rose and her ridiculous rants? Want to tell Iggy Azealia how untalented she is to her face? Be my guest because I don't care about any of those women. I will remain quiet or depending on the day, I may join in on the dragging if I have time.
I strongly believe that feminism has nothing to do with blindly following women just for being women. You are allowed to be critical; be it trans or cis.
One of the main areas in which I am very conflicted is body image, plastic surgery, and Instagram. I've made a post before about my deep personal gripes with IG, but there is more.
I don't think the T-Rex booties with the 4-inch waists are cute. At all. That is just my opinion but I'd never talk someone out of getting it done. In fact, I'd encourage women to do that safely if it's what they really wanted. I am very pro-plastic surgery. If getting your breast bumped up a cup size is going to make you feel better because the fit of your shirts will be fab, go for it.Â
(Thereâs another discussion to be had about surgeries and body dysmorphic disorder but I donât 100% know where to squeeze that in.)
Where my confliction comes in at is that young girls are watching. Hell, adults are watching. They're watching these girls on the internet get gassed up by men, by other insecure women, by other women who also look like this, by brands, ect. It seems like the formula is: get your ass done, buy a few followers, pose half naked to grab a few more followers, finesse as if you got that body naturally by posting several workout videos, then get a flat tummy tea and fashion nova deal worth $4,000 a post.
How could the onlooker NOT want to look like this, especially if you can get rewarded for it? They make it look so easy and attractive. Next thing you know there's a slew of 19-year-olds going on craigslist's and hooking up with quacks in hotel rooms for fix-a-flat booties.
But how fucked up is it of me to say "Hey, can you girls please stop getting these surgeries that you spend your hard-earned money on and that make you feel good because like⊠it's killing people's self-esteem over here. Can you just chill out? Thanks!"
I want to be pro-choice in every sense of the word meaning: feel free to pump it and plump it if you desire it. But I also want everyone to feel good about their bodies and their image. These two things sort of bump heads, unfortunately.
The only real solution would be to unplug completely. But everyone also deserves to have fun. Once you filter out the bullshit, social media can be fun, funny, entertaining, and informative. So what else can we do? I, as I stated in my other post, simply unfollowed the people who made me feel insecure. I still see these girls on the explore page and "following" tab when my guy friends like these girls' posts but other than that it's worked out well.
I just feel like we've tried so hard to teach self-love and it's been undone by a new shift in the "ideal body". At first, it was "be painfully skinny with huge boobs" now it's âlook like an ant wit lip fillersâ. What other options do we have?
Open Discussion in the comments. Feel free to agree or disagree just donât drag me because Iâve already done that myself and Iâm aware of which parts of my thinking are problematic.
Noah Centineo & All the White Boys We Want to Love Us When the Rainbow Isnât Enough
Catchy title, yes?
A couple years ago Noah (twitters new boyfriend) tweeted âTHE BLACKER THE BERRYâ during Kendrick Lamarâs set at the 2016 Grammys. Unfortunately during the âletâs all search his old tweets and make sure he hasnât said anything racistâ portion of his career, the tweet was found and taken out of context.
Following the resurfaced tweet currently is a flood of âpress 1 if you like black girlsâ âoh shit Noah likes black womenâ âthe rest of you may as well go homeâ âomg Noah do you like black girlsâ.
Now Iâm not saying does that he doesnât like black women; I donât know the answer to that. But if he does, this wasnât his confession and you all are setting yourselves up for disappointment. Â
Noah is very cute and super nice- before I knew who he was, my friend and I ran into him and had a very long chat with him and his dad. You all are completely charmed by him for a reason.
But what I want to talk about for real, for real is the dire need for white men to âhave a thing for usâ.
I completely understand so Iâm not passing judgment. Iâve I hope he likes black girlsâed a lot in my youth.
One of the animalistic components of being a human being is that we are territorial. Therefore, we want black men to love us. So when mass media and that one cute boy in your class both imply that you, as a black girl, ainât poppin⊠that shit hurts.
This is why so many of us feel uneasy about Michael B Jordan blowing up then proceeding to date white and mixed-race women. Even if they donât want to admit it, a lot of black women feel betrayed.
So combine lyrics going âyellow boneâ this âexoticâ that, the music videos reflecting said lyrics, creative directors type-casting black women, and being bullied for your skin color- you get one traumatized black woman with a low self-esteem.
Then after all that whiplash (from the black community alone), something amazing happens. Zac Effron dates a black woman. And something clicks because Vanessa Hudgens wasnât white so that meansâŠ
And from there starts a long line of wondering.
For me, it was Justin Timberlake. Once upon a time he sat on 106 & Park and announced to the world that he had a weakness for âsistasâ (his words; insert massive fucking eye-roll here) and I was like FINALLY, SOMEONE LOVES ME. Only for him to grow up, abandon r&b music, and marry the whitest possible woman he could find.
Iâm over that. But only that situation explicitly. I still secretly holler every time Harry Styles finds a new blonde to stick his dick in.
It all comes down to validation. Thatâs all we want. We all want to feel pretty and desirable to somebody else. Literally, every other group of women gets some form of validation from their men and ours.
We seem to be the only ones who have to always ask potential suitors âdo you like/date black girls?â. If youâre lucky you wonât get the following:
âI donât usually date black girls but youâre so coolâ
So here are some things we can do together because weâre the only group that seems to have to solely rely on each other:
Compliment your fellow black sis, especially if she is dark or has natural hair. One thing men donât know about us is we prefer compliments from other women. Seriously makes us smile from the inside out. (Giving validation)
Put on eyeliner and lip gloss for work. (minimal makeup for a small boost in confidence)
Donât apologize. I know that some people have crippling anxiety and canât help it but donât apologize for things that donât require it. Thatâs a very small but telling sign that you feel like youâre taking up undeserved space and time. So if you need to get around someone donât go âExcuse me can I just- yeah- sorry sorry sorryâ say âExcuse me, Iâm just going to step right here.â Letâs be real. They do it all the time. (making others see your worth/gently forcing respect/taking control of the narrative)
Instead of inwardly competing with the one other black girl in the office, LINK UP. Luckily, the days of feeling like you have to compete with other women are slowly coming to an end but if youâre still holding on to that, let it go. Once again, itâs natural and thereâs nothing wrong with you feeling that way. Black women arenât usually awarded certain opportunities so when you see one âinvadingâ your space (territorial) you tense up because you think youâre going to be replaced. You arenât. Stick with your sister. (Giving validation)
Unless itâs your kids or sick parents, stop putting yourself on the back burner for others. It is literally making you sick. (keeping stress low and focusing on self)
Lastly, use that same energy you put into begging Michael B and Noah to love you, into loving on another black woman. I know we can multitask but skip it.
Noah liking black women would be fan-fucking-tastic and I wouldnât put it past him, as he is a Black Lives Matter activist. However, if we donât fall within his preferences, it will be okay. As long as heâs not saying anything foul about us, itâs honestly alright.
So, letâs be each otherâs validation because not everyone can pull from within.
I wish I could find the tweet but someone online basically said: âSo what do yâall want Zendaya to do- just not work? Give up her roles?â
I believe this was in response to someone saying that her admitting that she was the âideal image of a black girlâ wasnât enough and Iâm sorry buuuuuttt
I agree. Itâs not enough. Â
Acknowledging privilege is a cute first step with most issues because the vast majority of privileged people wonât even go there. But whatâs next? You have the power to actually do something so why not?
Not just Zendaya specifically, but with all girls who look like her in Hollywood. Even though I do think her character (considering the context) in The Greatest Showman could have been played by Simone Biles. However, Zendaya admitted that she auditions for roles that are clearly made for white women just out of spite so she gets a pass. For now.
I can tell by how easily amused people are in their reactions that people think âspeaking outâ alone is enough. It is when youâre 20 something working a 9-5 and you happen to have 2,000 followers. But when youâre in a position of wealth and power, your words alone mean nothing. Sorry.
Sometimes I do praise celebrities and influencers for their bravery. Itâs not often because knowing what I know about mass media, I just assume theyâre baiting.
In order for any real change, people in power will have to give up their privilege for real.
When you know a certain role would be better played by a darker person, then say that.
If you realize that in the book, a character was supposed to be Native American, stay your ass at home when you get that call. Then tell the casting director and your agent you refused for that reason.
On a larger scale, you trust fund babies with money that traces back to slavery... use that money to built a school or an activity center in the hood.
People with wealth need to built factories in the United States to increase jobs and stop skimping out by using cheap labor in India and China. They would also have to pay above the bare legal minimum. That would mean more money out of pocket initially. But, you got it.
Celebrities would have to stop posting charities for us to give to because once again- YOU GOT IT. Help them meet their goal with one simple direct deposit then educate us about the charity. Stop asking us for money, weâre poor.
White people would have to speak up when they see someone who poses no threat being threatened by policemen with guns. It doesnât matter what theyâve done because, at the end of the day, a boy shot up a church and left the scene unharmed. A black boy who steals a pack of bubble gum from the store should be able to keep his life as well.
Banks would have to chill out on fees and stop purposefully approving families for loans with high ass interest rates, knowing they canât pay them back.
Itâs confronting your own family for their racist or problematic views at the dinner table and risking getting kicked out or disowned (depending on how bigoted they are).
The greatest example I can think of is Ashton Kutcher. We havenât seen him in a while. Heâs literally stepped out of the spotlight and has been putting his time, energy, and money to help stop child sex trafficking. He is using his influence and money to better the world.
Giving up your privilege means Drakeâs âGodâs Planâ video on steroids.
But the thing is, privilege is comforting. Privilege and wealth protect you from some everyday struggles. Privilege means a job. And who in their right mind would give that up just to make the playing field even?
The Truth About McDonaldâs Broken Ice Cream Machine
Itâs not broken.
When I worked at McDonaldâs, I learned that there is a timer. It was like big brother was watching us at all times.
We had goals to say below a certain average per customer. For example, on a Wednesday weâd reach for an average of 90 seconds per customer for the drive-thru, then 120 seconds for dine-in. These numbers are made up but you get the point.
If things were going rough, the ice cream machine mysteriously âbrokeâ or it was âbeing cleanedâ. By being cleaned I mean one person volunteered to literally clean the ice cream machine for their entire shift so we could turn and point and say âsorry itâs being cleaned.â
Why?
Because it took too long. And the more customers we could boot, the better. Every person was a risk for our average.
So there you have it. Why the ice cream machine at McDonaldâs is always broken.
Normani doesnât have to forgive Camila for being a racist twat (no matter how long ago it was).
If youâre a sensitive stan... just turn away now. This ainât for you, sis.
Depending on the age, I think most people deserve a âbreakâ if they are caught doing something awful. Especially if itâs old. Thatâs why the FIRST TIME Camila (of former girl band Fifth Harmony) got caught referring to Obama as her nigga⊠I was like *sigh* okay.
But the second time she was caught, it was in reference to people she was close to, meaning she had to have known better. I personally donât understand being in a band with four other women of color and calling them jealous niggers but once theyâre upset⊠theyâre the assholes and sheâs the victim?
Make that make sense.
To make this matter even better, when one of Camilaâs fans photoshopped Normaniâs face on a picture of a hung slave⊠Camila gave some half-assed general speech about âlove onlyâ. Not once did she say âstop being racist towards Normani, you know, my colleagueâ. Which would have been ideal. Â
Let her stans tell it:Â itâs all fake, but she apologized, but sheâs Mexican and canât be prejudice.
But if all the racist allegations were fake and photoshopped why not just⊠deny it? Instead, she took the Taylor Swift route and pulled the old âWhy are you trying to bring other women downâ. It's classic for white women to cry feminism to back you into a corner when they are called out for being wrong. Camila painted herself as a victim with the help of Machine Gun Kelly, Perez Hilton, and other media âinfluencersâ (who purposely agitated the other fours girls and used their âangryâ reaction as a reason Camila was lucky she left). Itâs all fitting as Taylor is one of her best friends.
Despite there being very convincing evidence (clickable. very long and embarrassing. most of it can be skipped) and another lackluster âapologyâ back in February this year, Camila has still been successful. And unless you look for it, these comments from her have been conveniently swept under the rug. However, the narrative that Normani is a mean girl who had been âbullyingâ Camila has stuck around âstanâ Twitter. And thatâs apparently way more damning than being racist.
I jumped through all these hoops with this small example just to say: Iâm tired of black women having to be the bigger person and not being allowed space to be mad.
If Normani woke up one day and decided to record a song called âfuck camila and her motherâ because she got upset all over again, then so be it. Itâs crazy that even in the face of something as strong as racism, we're supposed to be quiet and take it. ESPECIALLY if weâre darker because weâre already seen as more masculine and angry.
From the beginning, Normani was never going to win over dainty, little, ârelatableâ, white passing, cute Camila. Thatâs not how this industry is set up; thatâs not how this world is set up.
Before getting dragged for it, these small gossip blogs would print Normani vs Camila stories with the classic âletâs take an angry or unflattering photo of the black girl and put it next to precious Camila smiling to skew public opinionâ headline photo. They even do it in YouTube thumbnails. (hell they even did that to Blue Ivy after the Grammys and sheâs a fucking toddler).
Whatâs most infuriating is that it works. It always works.
And even if Normani does turn out to be the angry black hottie teenie bop white media is trying to paint her as⊠so?
Since she was 16, sheâs been dragged for being the black girl of her group. Was always being told she the least talented, while also being told she does too much on stage to outshine the other girls. Anytime Normani had a bad day it was elevated because she stuck out. She wasnât allowed to make mistakes or be upset like the other girls. It was just always SOMETHING. If it wasnât getting less singing parts it was her being pushed to the side in formations despite being the better performer. And to top it off she was contractually bound to a prejudice Latina and a label who used her as a step to elevate said Latina.
And it worked.
Black women absolutely do not have to forgive you or speak to you after youâve done something terrible to us. We do not have to be nice to make you feel better about being disgusting. We are not responsible for cushioning your bad behavior. Â
I'm going to lead this with- I had to unfollow the light-skinned IG girls. When I say the, I mean THE. Please note that this is not a #allwomen are beautiful post and donât expect any explanations about how this isnât meant to bash light women. Thatâs not what any of this about so if thatâs what youâre looking for then click away, please.
For the sake of my self-esteem and portions of my mental health that deteriorates due to my lack of commercial beauty, it was necessary to cleanse my Instagram feed.
I believe the only light skinned women (who arenât my friends) I follow are Ciara and Beyonce. Iâd say theyâre brown but Beyonce calls herself a yellow bone, so who am I to take that from her?
But everyone from Jilly Anais and the Gonzales twins had to go. I even had to unfollow men like Rotimi who I knew would never put women who look like me on a pedestal the way they do others (this is a separate topic that I probably wonât ever cover because Iâm not ready for the accusations that would come with expressing my opinion). Â
Why is this important?
Iâm going to be honest without giving away to much. My ultimate goal in life WILL include social media. I know that being on the internet is a choice but I also I have a choice to filter out what I see.
Seeing a bunch of mixed Kylie Jenner clones was fucking with me whether I wanted to admit it or not. I was a weird love-hate relationship that brought me back to childhood.
When I was little I was obsessed with the light-skinned girls in my classes; if they were mixed, it was a bonus. Iâd always ask what their parents looked and Iâd spend a great deal of time playing in their âwhite girl hairâ. Iâd talked myself into thinking that the closer I got to them, the more Iâd start to look like them.
Some nights Iâd take a bath instead of a shower and when my grandparents werenât looking, Iâd sneak some bleach in a styrofoam cup and put it in my bath water, thinking itâd make me lighter.
Thatâs how bad it was.
I have no memory of when this started. I do know that once I realized there was a clear difference in how I was treated vs how they were treated (by teachers, boys, cashiers, strangers), I became conflicted. I had zero knowledge of racism, colorism, or privilege back then, but thatâs what I was seeing. It made me very sad and also angry with the girls (and not with the system because as I said: I didnât know it existed). But I still had this very strong urge to look like that.
I thought Iâd recovered but I recently discovered I am not as strong as I thought I was; Iâm fine with that. I have the emotional intelligence and the verbiage to acknowledge why I feel this way now. So I can actively work on it.
I had Instagram way before it was a clout fest. In fact, I had most social media before it blew up. Everything was great back then. Once the initial shift happened, it was elementary school all over again.Â
Once again light became âbetterâ. Everything from their hair to their vaginas are constantly being compared to the rest of us. (Literally, someone went viral by posting a photo of a strawberry and a photo of a rare steak saying the strawberry was how light-skinned vagina looked and we were the other. A few thousand people agreed).
While Iâd argue against this logic and go on many Twitter rants, what I was doing over on Instagram was very different. I was constantly elevating lighter women over women who looked like me then Iâd cry about why there arenât any chocolate girls on tv.
So with this simple unfollow train, I followed it up with a following spree. Naomi Campbell, Jae Majette, Kelly Rowland, Naturi, Diamond White, Gabbi Sidibe, and many, many more. Since Instagram has implemented a feature that allows you to follow tags, Iâve also taken advantage of that. Because simply getting rid of things that may take a part in your unhappiness isnât enough. You have to then fill those spaces with perceived positivityÂ
We all agree that consuming media that only praised skinny white women with blue eyes and blonde hair has screwed with a lot of young girls. We all agree that representation matters. So why with the one piece of media (social media) that we can control would we not keep that same energy? Thereâs a reason we buy our kids black baby dolls.Â
And this has really worked for me. Instead of feeling shitty about myself for not being âslim thickâ and mixed, I now feel inspired. And it makes me feel good to leave comments under these womenâs images knowing it gives them a boost as well.
So I challenge you to fill your timelines and dashboards with people who look like you. Even if you donât think you have any self-esteem issues, just try it for a month and see if thereâs a shift in mood, especially if you spend a lot of time online.
According to Chris Brown, he lost his virginity when he was eight years old, to a local girl who was 14 or 15. Seriously? "Yeah, really. Uh-huh." He grins and chuckles. "It's different in the country." Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. "By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I'm saying? Like, girls, we weren't afraid to talk to them; I wasn't afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it."
-The Guardian
This, unfortunately, is not an uncommon story. I thought it was just a taboo in the black community but after getting a hold of the internet, I realized that we as feminist have failed all of our young boys. I was always sensitive about this topic, but a fairly recent interview with Trevor Jackson and Charlemagne the God pushed me to write a short piece about it. Trevor casually mentioned that a 38 year old woman had him when he was 16/17 as if that shit was normal. DTG and Angie implied that obvious: that he was raped and it was illegal but he sort of brushed it over because âhe was excitedâ.Â
It is unsettling how many boys think lost their virginity at a time where they barely knew what was going on. That's bad enough. Then we get to the part where they don't want to address it at all. That demon usually manifests itself in the form of sex addiction, abuse, or worse⊠they are forced to face it within their children. There is ALSO the part where other men encourage this behavior. Whether itâs a gross uncle giving an unsolicited sex talk or Facebook comments on articles about teachers getting knocked up by their students.
âHe knew what he was doingâ
âI wish this would have happened to me at 13â
âI would have fucked her tooâ
Which is ironic considering every time women talk about their own abuse experiences on a large platform, men scream something along the lines of #metoo âwhat about us/men go through it tooâ.
But thatâs another journal for another day.
For those of you who know me, know that I love me a good boyband. I got into one direction a smooth two years after their Xfactor run so I wasn't around for the Caroline Flack or Rebecca Ferguson disasters.
Caroline Flack, who was 31 at the time, dated Harry when he was just 17. In the United Kingdom that is the "age of consent"; you can even drink at 18 there. However this age of consent thing seems to be one of many reasons these women get away with this behavior. Let's please remember that the "age of consent" law is there to protect teenagers who want to have consensual sex with EACH OTHER without breaking any sexual abuse laws (example: high school freshman with high school senior).
However itâs clear that abusive and predatory adults just use it as a loophole to be disgusting. Once upon a time there were âage gapâ clauses but it caused the law to be a little sloppy.
âIt began to go wrong when Harry was pictures coming out of my house on morning.â Ms Caroline says in her book. âAnd once that was out, it was open season. After that anyone could say anything. In the street people started shouting at me âpedophileâ and âpervert.ââ She also mentions something about "feeling like she was 18" (so I guess that makes it okay??). But no where in her book does she mention regretting her decision. It was only wrong when people started calling her out for being inappropriate with a 17 year old boy.Â
Just before that, Zain was also in a sketchy relationship. He was freshly 18 when began dating Rebecca, a woman who was 24 with two children. The age gap isn't as horrendous but with children involved, clearly there is an elevation of maturity. She was in a completely different stage in her life.
In an interview last year, Rebecca revealed that she would often pay the bill when they went out on dates. I'm not sure if this was an attempt to gain popularity from his name or to tarnish his brand and paint him as some type of scrub but girl⊠duh
A few years before that she made some comment about regretting dating Zayn back then, but not for the reason you'd think. She implied that it sort of ruined her career and that "if it were a 24 year old man dating a 18 year old girl no one would have batted an eye."
I find this wrong, of course. But I'm assuming culture comes into play here as, they are British. Either way, when you take that factor out, 17/18 is not a fully developed adult no matter how mature the kid is.Â
Whatâs particularly insane is that they LOOK like boys. Itâs not even a case where puberty hit them a little early so they look grown, thus enforcing an attraction (which should be headed as soon as you find out the age). They look very young and as a grown woman myself Iâm not seeing how your 32 year old eggs are scrambling at the sight of these kids.Â
I'm glad we're in a time where things like mental health and sexual abuse in the entertainment industry are slowly showing their ugly faces, forcing us to talk about them. I just hope when it comes to this particular double standard and the oversexualization of our young boys- we stop waiting until a woman comes forth to speak on it. Â
I am very interested in seeing how this effected these men in their adult relationships. Not as a fan but as a concerned feminist who means well.
8Â Items Iâll Be Using to Glow Up During the Winter
I donât know about you heauxs, but Iâd definitely like to fine as hell by Spring. Iâm trying to grow this hair, even this skin tone, and snatch this waist.
So what Iâve done here is compiled a list of items (a lot in which should be in your house already) that will help us all achieve our Glow Up Goals. A lot of these are in my hygiene routine already Iâm just not that consistent. So hereâs my list along with any alternatives for us broke and boujee gals and lads out there.
1. ROSEWATER W/ ALOE VERA JUICE
I make my own rose water by putting rose petals in a mason jar full of boiling hot water and letting it cool in the fridge. Click here for another method of making rosewater. If you donât feel like doing alldet, buy some from your local south Asian market. Aloe Vera juice can be found at Walmart for $3. I mix these in a spray bottle for everyday use.
Uses: toning, refreshing/moisturizing hair, makeup setting, perfume, and calming the skin after exfoliating.
2. VICKS VAPOR RUB
You should already have this at the house, sis. Itâs cold out and you gonâ need it.
Uses: stretch mark removal (rub on stretch marks at night then wrap tummy in saran wrap) and hair growth (grease scalp with Vickâs before washing your hair with shampoo)
3. SARAN WRAP
If youâre lazy or you want to lose inches not weight, cling wrap is your friend. Wear it during a workout or while youâre in a steam room. I personally prefer to wear it bed underneath a shirt and a hoodie for max effect. The thing is though, you have to drink tons of water so you donât dehydrate.
4. BIOTIN
I think we all know what this is. Biotin is a vitamin that aids in the growth of hair and nails and clears up the skin. However, if you donât drink a lot of water itâll have the reverse effect. You donât want large pimples in unimaginable areas.
The good thing is that between this and the saran wrap, you will be more motivated to increase your water intake.
5. COCONUT OIL
Ole faithful.
Uses: quick weight loss (cook with it, put it in smoothies, drink it straight), make up removal, oil pulling for whiter teeth, add as a base for body scrubs.
6. ACTIVATED CHARCOAL
This isnât a typical household item, however, it can be cheap. I got a big bag of it last summer from Amazon for $13 and Iâm nowhere near done with it. Though this is one of those trendy things like... kale. Itâs actually been very useful.
Uses: overall detoxifier (inside and out), body scrub, face mask, teeth whitener (wet toothbrush, dip in powder, then brush; add turmeric for extra whiteness)
7. COFFEE GROUNDS
So many ways to love ya...
Though ingesting the number of coffee drinks I do is grounds for therapy, caffeine is actually really good for the skin. I just use it face to toe as body scrub paired with the charcoal and coconut oil. The charcoal detoxifies as the coffee tightens the skin and removes any dead cells. If Iâve gone too long without exfoliating, itâll use my homemade scrub with my exfoliating gloves. The coffee grounds can be fresh or if you like to recycle, used. It will work the same.
The downside to this combination is that youâll have to scrub down your tub every time you use it.
8. RAW MANGO SEED BUTTER
This does the same thing as cocoa and shea butter, I donât know why I prefer mango butter over the two. Either way, when picking your butters make sure they come in big, hard shards. Unless the jar says âwhippedâ, then creamy cocoa, mango or shea butter may not be real. The butters remove scars and keep your skin very soft during the cold months. Natural girls also enjoy using this as a sealant for the hair. My favorite way to use this is rubbing it everywhere (sans my face) then putting on socks and my onzie. When I wake up in the morning my skins is crazy smooth.
Now go glow up my little angels. Emerge like little butterflies all Spring â18!!
5. Ask us if we know where your next gate is (in flight). Sir we are 35,000 ft in the sky with 0 WiFi. Also, gates change so thereâs that.
4. Get angry with us when the flight is delayed due to the plane having a mechanical malfunction. Iâm so sorry youâre going to miss your connection, Debbie, but we absolutely cannot fly you in a plane with missing or broken parts. I mean, the ultimatum is possibly dying.
3. Have us name everything on the snack cart then ask for something else. i just told you we had sprite, coke, diet coke, ginger ale, club soda, apple juice, orange juice, and cranberry juice. Y U ASK FOR DR PEPPER.
2. Tell us you fly more than we do. I donât care if youâre a quadruple-medallion-admiral-platinum-diamond-amethyst status passenger... that joke is old and unfunny and you simply do not, Jim. You do not fly more than us.
1. Pass ten toilets in the terminal, sit at the gate for an hour, then get on the plane to use the bathroom ultimately holding up boarding.
13 Reasons Why I Didnât Regret Watching #RealityHigh [SPOILERS]
see what i did there
Let me start by saying, weâve all seen this movie. Weâve all read this book. So much that someone called it every story on Wattpad after watching the overly indulgent trailer (no seriously, who edited that trailer? you basically put the whole movie in there). However, even with the used up nerd gets the cool guy/girl storyline, there were a few devices that stuck out that arenât usually a part of this trope. Thatâs what I'm going to discuss. There are a few spoilers but because itâs so predictable Iâm not sure if itâll make a difference; you make the call. The film does have a few plot twists though, which I will keep out.Â
I must be honest and say I only watched this because I saw that Keith Powers was in it and I needed something to do while I adjusted this weave. But I was surprised to find things I liked outside of the beautiful cinematography and beautiful, beautiful man.
1. Racial DiversityÂ
Diversity is super important to me. Everything from schools to make-up to media should be diverse and a good representation of all people. Not only are the A and B characters racially diverse, but the school seems to be populated with a little bit of everyone. You can tell the casting call for extras didnât say âall races welcome but if youâre blonde with blue eyes that would be preferredâ. Iâm not sure how realistic said diversity is for that particular part of California, but itâs no matter as this type of diversity needs to be pushed regardless. And even though Cameron is the âtokenâ of his particular friend group, he is front and center of the story.Â
Itâs refreshing to see people of color at the forefront of an innocent corny little loves story. We are rarely allowed those.Â
2. Annoying Younger Sibling Was Actually Funny
And she was a great actress.Â
When it comes to kids and acting we tend to give them passes because theyâre adorable and, well, theyâre kids. But this particular child was kind of phenomenal. She was smart, witty, sociable, and her shade delivery was A1. She was like Louise Belcher in live action. I found out her name is Leah Rose and she is freaking amazing. Her punchlines are arguably the most entertaining part of this movie.Â
3. Healthy, Supportive Male Friends
Usually, The Popular Kids make fun of the Nerd and even play a huge part in the bullying. But in this movie, Cameronâs (Keith Powers) friends are very supportive and even prefer her over his ex, Alexa (Cool Mean Girl). So much that Shannon gave him some advice and let him know that he was going to have to work hard because Dani (Nerd) was a woman of deeper substance. They, in fact, called him out for dating Alexa for her status and looks. What makes this even better is that they warm up to Dani immediately. There is no protest at all against her hanging out with them. Â
Maybe I donât watch enough TV but, I seldom see young men/boys with good friends like this.Â
4. âNo, Dad, This Is Your Dream!â
Weâve all seen the thing where the kid wants one thing but the parent wants another because theyâre grossly and vicariously living through their children because they were a loser in their youth. Thereâs some of that in here.
However, Cameron actually likes swimming (yes, issa black boy that swims) but he wants to college instead of the Olympics (let it simmer).
I love my black men. But Iâm going to be honest and say I canât think of one black male friend who wouldnât jump right over the college hurdle and right into the big time. I donât blame them either. College is a scam.Â
But for those of you black children who are out there whoâd rather learn stuff than do sports (because they do exist), thatâs still chill. Black men have more to offer than their bodies and athleticism and Cameron is a great representation of that.Â
5. Cool Mean Girl Takes Several Ls
Normally thereâs this huge embarrassing thing that takes place in public at the end of the movie right before Nerd and The Cool Guy kiss. Because Cool Mean Girl, much like our government, is usually way too powerful to take down no matter how awful she is. But Alexa takes several hits throughout the movie that makes me wonder why she didn't just give up. I also love how her friends didnât put up with her shit. Miguel dabbled and humored her. But for the most part, her friends, like Cameron, were all #TeamDani. Which is cool because this movie sort of steered away from the âpopular people are meanâ story. Thereâs literally just one bitch here.Â
6. Dani Kept Her Curly Hair
In these movies, the Nerd always has gorgeous, unruly curly hair. Then when it comes time to âevolveâ they straighten it and are seen as âmore beautifulâ.
Shitty message Hollywood.Â
Though Dani does rock some straight styles, she goes back and forth and does not completely ditch her curls. This one sort of segways into the next point.Â
7. Thereâs No Huge, Dramatic Make Over Scene
You will not find a shopping, plucking, and tucking montage accompanied by a early 2000s punk-pop classic in this movie. Thank God.
In fact, she does all her beautifying herself in preparation for a college interview. Her intentions were not for the attention of Cameron or the male gaze at all. In hindsight, she really just began taking better care of her appearance and stopped wearing âfoot glovesâ.
8. Realistic Teen Drinking
A lot of us did it, okay.Â
Iâm in no way endorsing that and it was definitely wrong. But we did it. Itâs not uncommon for a group of teenagers to raid the liquor cabinet at a sleepover while the parents slept. It was all in good fun and it usually involved dancing and the oversharing of thoughts... very much like what we did in college dorms.Â
This probably makes me seem like a dick: but Iâm glad there was no message here. It was just kids having fun, getting messed up and taking an uber home.
9. Multiple GBFs
They didnât just throw one gay boy in here and ever so contently say âyup weâve met our lgbt quota we are #inclusiveâ
Thereâs a tambourine player in just about every subgroup, each serving a different purpose and I am here for it.Â
10. Multiple Climaxes...... :)Â
Typically in storytelling, thereâs this one big climax. In this particular story, itâs usually said Cool Guy dumping his girlfriend and jerk posse for the Nerd who miraculously turned back into a loser. Nerd and Cool Guy live happily ever after.Â
But in this, Girl gets Boy pretty damn early. Like, first 30 minutes of the movie early. Also, though Dani did revert back to her nerd attire she bounced right back after she got out of a slump. Almost as if what she wore was a reflection of how she felt about herself rather than the clothes wearing her and giving her a new attitude. She has the power not the other way around (if that makes sense).Â
The part where Alexaâs friends dumped her was also a kicker.
11. Â The Actor Plays Awkward Well
Nesta Cooper (who looks very much like Youtuber AndreasChoice) really nailed Dani. Usually, the actor who has to play this role weirdly overcompensates the awkward and it does not read well on the other side of the screen. It becomes the bad kind of awkward instead of funny and relatable. Also, there's no huge exaggerated falling in the middle of the hall or knocking over a whole bookshelf. She was realistically awkward and I loved it.Â
12. Wealthy Black Parents
It was great to see black families who were well off without it being a part of the actual storyline. Daniâs parents and Cameronâs dad are clearly blessed but they are so without being the typical Black Bourgeoisie. Iâm happy that Alexa (latina) was wealthy as well but that played a part of her character so itâs not really worth me mentioning in deep detail.
13. The âGood Guyâ/âGazing Best Friendâ Doesnât Win A Grand Prize Of âThe Girlâ As Reward For Being A Good Friend
This is probably my favorite part of this movie. Freddie, the best friend, who is in love with Dani, doesn't get her. I just knew that was where the story was going. Especially after Dani and Cameron broke up. If that had happened, I would have been upset for many reasons. One being, Cameron was a good guy who wanted Dani, Dani was a good girl who wanted Cameron. They were attracted to each other, they liked each other. Girls are allowed to entertain guys they are attracted to. Just because youâve been there her whole life and listened to all her problems doesnât mean you get to âhaveâ her. Thatâs literally being a freaking friend. If girls screwed every guy that was nice to them because thatâs all that was required, thereâd be a new strain of hepatitis floating around.
Overall I was pleasantly surprised. Definitely something you should watch if you have the time because thereâs a little something for everyone in it. However, a part of me wonders if I had been expecting something spectacular would I be disappointed right now.Â
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