Suicidal and alone.

had to add the emesis blue soldier pfp. If you see this blog, No you didn't

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Just a secret vent blog I have. I guess it's similar to what delta had.

Praying my moots don't find this

[darkcloudsinmymind]

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I don't think my parents will ever understand my needs

I have desires. It's why I hid before.

I felt shame for feeling a want for "things", which is why I turned to "sites".

I don't even remember how old I was.

But I know that I had a large amount of exposure to things I shouldn't have been exposed to.

And that may have had a large effect on why I was the way I used to be.

But I still have desires.

There's still things I want. But I'm afraid to ask.

What if they don't trust me?

What if they call me disgusting?

What if they take everything I have away again?

I haven't done anything wrong.

I just have needs.

What if they compare me to the kids in our neighborhood?

What if they remind me of how perfect they are and how they weren't on "sites" at my age, and that they had friends at my age and went outside, and that I'm just disgusting for thinking about needing anything for my pleasure.

I'm so close to just getting it myself and hiding it.

I just wish I knew if they would understand before I make a fool of myself.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Am I a bad person?

I think I am.

My brother says my mom says all these things about me

About how I try to seem adult when I'm not

About how i don't exercise or do anything.

I just want to look responsible so people can praise me

Is that so wrong?

To want the attention I didn't get when I was younger?

Or did all I get was attention?

Am I just so greedy for attention that at the mere speck of not having it I break down?

What is wrong with me?

Why am I like this?

I used to get praise and love for what I used to do.

People said my singing was good.

And I tried sticking with that.

I did all the karaoke nights.

I want to show how good I am.

But I'm afraid they've gotten tired of it.

I'm afraid they've gotten tired of me

Always looking for attention

Always looking to be at the front of the room

And yet I can't even get on stage to be in a stupid musical

Not to mention my brother calls me fat

Its all he can say

We get into a small argument?

"At least I'm not a whale."

And I try to call him out on it.

But no one says a thing.

Do they agree?

Am I a whale?

Because I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a whale.

But I don't have the energy to exercise.

So obviously I deserve to be called a whale.

Him being a "little brother" isn't a fucking excuse.

And I know my mom has said it isn't.

So why don't you fucking tell him that?

Tell him that he shouldn't be using my body against me

Because obviously I hate it

And obviously he loves that I hate it

Because it means he can win any argument just by reminding me why I want to kill myself

I want to seem responsible by doing things for people

But when someone asks me to do something I don't wanna do

I say no

And obviously I should do whatever i don't wanna do for them

Because my opinions on things don't matter

Especially on my room

"My room should be clean because I matter" but I don't fucking matter at all and I should die and I should never be let out of my room and I should never feel comfortable going out in public and I should be silenced and never allowed to speak again because I'm unfunny and fat and attention seeking and everyone in my life gets chased away eventually because I can't stop making everything about me

[darkcloudsinmymind]

"I wanna get rid of your door do you have motivation to clean your room"

Yeah right, you just wanna get rid of my privacy. Fucking liar.

Leaving my doorway wide open isn't gonna solve anything, it's just making me look more pathetic to other people coming in.

I'm still not doing shit. Nothing is motivating me anymore. You could take everything from me. My phone. My tv. My chromebook. The wifi.

Everything.

I still wouldn't have the motivation to clean.

Post me all over your Facebook for all I care.

Set up a museum exhibit of me in my room.

Let everyone come over and watch me be a fat, lazy piece of shit.

Let everyone see how much of a fucking failure your daughter is.

Let everyone see how much of a fat fucking hypocrite i am for wanting a job, yet never applying.

For wanting my car, but not doing anything to earn it.

For wanting attention or a partner but I'm do fucking unconscious about my health to look good for anyone.

Just let them all see.

Im fucking done.

I just wanna sleep.

That's all I wanna do.

All day.

Every day.

Every hour.

Just sleep.

I don't wanna get up.

I don't wanna help anyone.

I'm selfish.

I'm lazy.

I don't do anything for anyone but myself.

I hate you.

But you don't deserve to be hated.

But you do.

And I don't know what to think anymore.

I wanna clean, but I don't wanna let go of anything.

I wanna sleep, but I feel too unproductive and lazy.

I want people to love me, but I don't care.

But I do care.

I hate everything.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

When I cry and suppress so much I lowkey forget why I was crying in the first place

[darkcloudsinmymind]

[darkcloudsinmymind]

When I cry and suppress so much I lowkey forget why I was crying in the first place

[darkcloudsinmymind]

When her confronting me make me feel guilty for something I did when I don't even know what she's talking about

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Someone tell me that it's okay for me to be here

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I hate you.

I don't want to go home and see you.

I'd rather anyone be able to see this because I'm not stupid.

I'm not fucking stupid.

I'm just slow.

I'm slow to tell you things

I'm slow because I'm scared of you

And this was exactly what I was scared of.

You're just manipulating me at this point.

I hate you.

If anyone in any way were to ask for my info, I wouldn't give it.

I'd have to be the one to offer.

If anyone asked me, I wouldn't.

When I asked him to come, I didn't just get to know him.

It had been over a year.

A year doesn't seem like a lot of time, but nothing suspicious happened between them. They weren't only talking to me. They had actual other social connections

Isn't it normal to want friends?

Why wont you let me have friends?

Ever since I've been little, it was you that prevented me from having friends.

I've always blamed myself for a lot of my problems

I've never ever stopped to consider any of them being because of you

I always thought you were the greatest woman in the world

But I hate you.

You're the worst.

You're crazy and never listen to anyone else

You're blinded by you believing you're always right

I hate you

I hate you.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

And I don't know if I still want to be in the musical.

Being here just makes me want to leave.

But I'd rather be here for a few hours than home with you.

I'd rather have my time taken up by something that hurts to think about doing than be with you

Id rather hurt than be with you

I don't say half the things I want to to you because I'm scared of you.

The whole reason I don't tell you anything is because I'm still scared of you.

The whole reason I have a therapist is because you're not trustworthy enough for me to talk to you.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I don't know if he can see this.

I don't know if he wants to see this.

My god who's life have I ruined because of my mom and her injecting paranoia into my head

Im such a fucking idiot

Im sorry

Im sorry for doing this to you.

Im sorry.

And still, for some reason,

Im not over you.

I want to be friends again.

But..

I don't know.

Im sorry.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I GET IT. I GET IT. I DID SOMETHING STUPID

I PROMISED I WOULDN'T GIVE MY ADDRESS BUT HERE WE ARE.

I just

Im sorry

I hope he is who he says he is

Please

Tell me you are who you say you are

Don't make me regret this

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Im not. That fucking stupid at least.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Please. Don't come. Please. Please. Just don't.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Juat say it. Fucking say it already. I know it's not real. Say. It.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I GET IT. I GET IT. I DID SOMETHING STUPID

I PROMISED I WOULDN'T GIVE MY ADDRESS BUT HERE WE ARE.

I just

Im sorry

I hope he is who he says he is

Please

Tell me you are who you say you are

Don't make me regret this

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Long way to drive

Lot of gas money for the trip

Are you who you say you are?

Im scared

Are you or aren't you?

Was i stupid?

Yes

I told her though

I hope this is real

I pray this is real

Please let it be real