Suicidal and alone.

had to add the emesis blue soldier pfp. If you see this blog, No you didn't

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Just a secret vent blog I have. I guess it's similar to what delta had.

Praying my moots don't find this

[darkcloudsinmymind]

When I cry and suppress so much I lowkey forget why I was crying in the first place

[darkcloudsinmymind]

[darkcloudsinmymind]

When I cry and suppress so much I lowkey forget why I was crying in the first place

[darkcloudsinmymind]

When her confronting me make me feel guilty for something I did when I don't even know what she's talking about

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Someone tell me that it's okay for me to be here

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I hate you.

I don't want to go home and see you.

I'd rather anyone be able to see this because I'm not stupid.

I'm not fucking stupid.

I'm just slow.

I'm slow to tell you things

I'm slow because I'm scared of you

And this was exactly what I was scared of.

You're just manipulating me at this point.

I hate you.

If anyone in any way were to ask for my info, I wouldn't give it.

I'd have to be the one to offer.

If anyone asked me, I wouldn't.

When I asked him to come, I didn't just get to know him.

It had been over a year.

A year doesn't seem like a lot of time, but nothing suspicious happened between them. They weren't only talking to me. They had actual other social connections

Isn't it normal to want friends?

Why wont you let me have friends?

Ever since I've been little, it was you that prevented me from having friends.

I've always blamed myself for a lot of my problems

I've never ever stopped to consider any of them being because of you

I always thought you were the greatest woman in the world

But I hate you.

You're the worst.

You're crazy and never listen to anyone else

You're blinded by you believing you're always right

I hate you

I hate you.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

And I don't know if I still want to be in the musical.

Being here just makes me want to leave.

But I'd rather be here for a few hours than home with you.

I'd rather have my time taken up by something that hurts to think about doing than be with you

Id rather hurt than be with you

I don't say half the things I want to to you because I'm scared of you.

The whole reason I don't tell you anything is because I'm still scared of you.

The whole reason I have a therapist is because you're not trustworthy enough for me to talk to you.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I don't know if he can see this.

I don't know if he wants to see this.

My god who's life have I ruined because of my mom and her injecting paranoia into my head

Im such a fucking idiot

Im sorry

Im sorry for doing this to you.

Im sorry.

And still, for some reason,

Im not over you.

I want to be friends again.

But..

I don't know.

Im sorry.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I GET IT. I GET IT. I DID SOMETHING STUPID

I PROMISED I WOULDN'T GIVE MY ADDRESS BUT HERE WE ARE.

I just

Im sorry

I hope he is who he says he is

Please

Tell me you are who you say you are

Don't make me regret this

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Im not. That fucking stupid at least.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Please. Don't come. Please. Please. Just don't.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Juat say it. Fucking say it already. I know it's not real. Say. It.

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I GET IT. I GET IT. I DID SOMETHING STUPID

I PROMISED I WOULDN'T GIVE MY ADDRESS BUT HERE WE ARE.

I just

Im sorry

I hope he is who he says he is

Please

Tell me you are who you say you are

Don't make me regret this

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Long way to drive

Lot of gas money for the trip

Are you who you say you are?

Im scared

Are you or aren't you?

Was i stupid?

Yes

I told her though

I hope this is real

I pray this is real

Please let it be real

[darkcloudsinmymind]

I had a dream

Or rather

A nightmare

Where i was at school

Or something

And

There was a shooting.

I don't exactly remember how it played out, but I know that one of my friends got shot and... died.

I don't know what it means, because I escaped

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Please. Please be who you say you are.

Im. So scared you aren't.

Tell me

Tell me you're real

Tell me I didn't just invite over my own death

Tell me.

Tell me.

Please

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Im so. Afraid none of this is real

So afraid that he isn't who he says he is just because of the fears my mothers put in my head

Im so scared.

But I can't turn back now because I already did the stupidest thing a teen could do

Something I've always said I'd never do.

Im such a fucking hypocrite

[darkcloudsinmymind]

Genuinely girls are going to make me sexist istg

Not all girls. Women can be incredibly nice and lovely and i. Love women

But some of them

I just

Need to strangle them when they're within arms reach

They are so. Annoying and inconsiderate i hate them

Not all of them

But.

There are some rotten apples in the bunch